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[cursedcannibal07]

— David Cronenberg, Consumed

[cursedcannibal07]

Love.

Do you know what love feels like?

We’ve been taught all our lives

what it’s supposed to feel like,

But that’s not right.

Love is the feeling of the warm

Winter air coming through your window

Brushing against your back as you sleep

Love is the smell of the rain as it falls

The musky earth opening to the sky

The smell of it as you step outside

Love is falling asleep in rehearsal

Head to head with one of your best friends

On the new, soft, seats in the theater

Love is offering to put your socks on

Before you go to sleep

Because you know they like it that way

Love is screaming into the woods at the top of your lungs

Knowing only the bark and the bugs

Will ever hear your cries

Love is the excitement you feel

When you wake up and look out your window

To see a white ground and flurrying snow

Love is running down the sidewalk

Being chased by your friends

Giggling and wheezing through it all

Love is keeping your window open

Throughout all of summer

And being able to sleep smelling the world

Love is hanging out the window

Of your cousins car, going sixty

Down an empty back road

Love is playing in a giant pile of

Discarded mulch, with no goal in mind

Other than having fun

Love is the little things

And the big

That make us who we are

[cursedcannibal07]

The world is split into three categories

What you know

What you don’t know

What you make up

and we live by these

day in

and day out

it’s like a mantra:

express the knowledge you possess

keep hidden what you don’t

and make up the rest

it’s exhausting

[cursedcannibal07]

There was a kindness in me

From birth

But my father burned it away

and my mother watched

the world took that from me

and somehow I am the one to blame

There was a kindness in me

and I can smell it’s rotting flesh

[cursedcannibal07]

Once I was kind

Trusting and loving

I would help anyone without question

Always be a shoulder to cry on

Then I got mean

I ripened

And I soured

I learned that some that I trusted

even with my life

would sooner squash me

to fulfill their own needs

I learned that those I listened to

anytime, anyplace

would rather ignore me

because I was “whiny”

I learned that asking for help

is attention-seeking

That talking to someone

is being annoying

I learned to harden my shell

Bite first

before they got a chance

I got mean

I got bitchy

I got rude

Now I judge

I ignore

and I walk away

I know it’s not right

I know I should change

But how?

When all I’ve done

Is conform to a world

constantly pit against me

What is there to do?

How do you change?

Go back?

Be kind again

Be good again.

I don’t know.

So instead I bite

and I bitch

and I judge

All to keep from being bit.

being bitched at.

being judged.

What is there to do

when a world wants

what it cannot produce?

what it refuses to nurture?

[cursedcannibal07]

I remember it

clear as day

the first time

I was four

i had no particularly close friends

i believed everyone was my friend

i was four

I felt the light drain from my eyes

and the heat fill my cheeks

i felt the hole begin to sink into my chest

and the emptiness begin to take shape

I remember it

clear as day

the worst time

I was twelve

I had a couple close friends

I truly believed they were my friends

I was twelve

i felt my heart sink to the floor

and the heat fill my cheeks

i felt the hole sink further into my chest

and the despair begin to take shape

i was four

then i was six

then i was nine

then i was twelve

I felt my head fill with turmoil

and the heat fill my cheeks

i felt the hole make a home out of my chest

and the pain become akin to normalcy

now, i’m seventeen

and my head spins with anxieties

and unanswered questions

my cheeks burn

with the heat of embarrassment

my chest feels as empty

as a forgotten, forsaken glass on a nightstand

i know the pain

and the despair

and the emptiness

as one knows a mother

I remember it

clear as day

i was four.

[cursedcannibal07]

It’s hard for me to look at myself

some days

i look in mirror and see

a person that does not resemble me

and yet in my heart i know

that is the person i show

[cursedcannibal07]

I sit in my bed

dog between my legs

and in my head

i’m surrounded by them

i scream

at the top of my lungs

all my issues

and reservations

one was an ass

and another a racist

but they made me laugh

when they made funny faces

i ask myself “why?

was i friends with them at all?”

because they made me feel better

when i felt i might fall.

they turned the nights at home

into parking lot chaos

no time spent alone

like a never-ending seance

and then, it turns out

their true colors were shown

they’re not the same people

they make me feel alone

i’ll remember the nights

when we’d run and play

but something never was right

and it’s all gone away