cuzwhynotblog

[cuzwhynotblog]

The begining of a first date.

The sky is blue. She was nervous. Nervousness ,stress and anxiety are her essentials when leaving her house. However , today , her essentials were extra thicks on her face. A usual intensity of four became a strong growing seven . So many thoughts went through her head. Not many were positive. A lot of them were what ifs. What if I stutter and he thinks I’m dumb , what if he thinks I’m ugly ,what if he doesn’t show up because he changes his mind? She hated these, what if . They never go anywhere productive ; only making things worst.However ,being a young insecure  woman with no apparent brain damage or propensity for self-medication in the form of  drugs, it was not like she could just shut out her thoughts . Her only real option was to ignore . The usual but harder . To ignore a question , you have to not answer it . Yet in doing so , the questions will be transformed in her head .Now the what if's become  you are. You're ugly , or you’re so stupid for accepting , you are better staying forever single at home with your cat. Since silence is a form of agreement , the you are's can't really be ignored .  In answering these thoughts , she validates their existence , she transformed theses impulsive thought into real problems that she needs to address. In other words ,in trying to ignore her thought and stay positive ,she has found herself once again captive of her overthinking . After so many years of having these issues , you would think that she would not be fooled by such a basic technique but no , it works almost every time.  She looked at her clocked. He is two minutes late. Well, it’s official , he is not coming . He secretly hates me , he found another girl that has a better than me in every way and now there having passionate love as , I’m standing here like the unlovable idiot  who actually thought that a cute ,smart ,funny guy like him would ever go on a date with a girl like . Then like if God wanted to tell her to shut up , he appeared . Blue jeans , basic brow button shirt buttoned up to the very last button and a poorly brush basic hair cut . He gave her a shy smile and a little hand wave that she responded with a little too much intensity. He asks how she was, she replied fine and they went off on their date ,leaving the war in her head in the past where it belongs.

[cuzwhynotblog]

One night stand

Perfume covered air pierces my breath. It was suffocating but I didn’t mind. Long sharp nails raking my skin. So close to ripping me apart but I didn’t mind. I can’t mind , I can’t even really think.  In between soft kisses, I felt her teeth bite my neck.  I can’t hold my eyes open, it’s too much stimulation. I release  all of my insecurities in one single passionate moment of shared existence. I moan in her ear . I had lost the words to express how I felt. I want her to know exactly what she is doing to me . I want her to be me , I want everything to be me , I want to rebel against the suffering of the world with this pleasure. How could I ask for more , how can I even beg. I have everything a person can ever hope for in this moment. Nirvana or heaven can’t hold a candle nor even a broken match to this. Then at its peaks my muscle tightens , I wrapped my arms around her and held her closer. We screamed together with a cry that could wake up the neighbourhood , but we didn’t care. How could we, we're not even here anymore. From that cry comes silence and a gentle drop . Hours streamed by. I was an unshaken pillar of joy.I smiled, while little waves of pleasure hit my face and neck and ripple down my body . My fingertips moved on her skin reflexively, as to show gratitude, or simply to try to grab at what I held so dearly. Then one last kiss on the lips , long, tender, and filled with so much care. I felt it was the last one by how much it communicated . She was happy like I was , she had gone on the same journey  .With that kiss, she wanted to try to become one with me again for one last moment .I could not stop myself from being at peace . I let go and fell into a deep sleep . I had all I needed from the world; I could finally rest. Alas, the world hadn’t had enough of me. I awoke feeling a loss in my bed. It had gotten colder, while I slumbered, much colder. After I took account of my breath and heart beat, I finally opened my eyes and saw my painfully grey wall standing guard, as usual, followed by an empty bed . She was gone. No sound was made , no trace was left . But the worst part of all, after everything that happened, I never even got her name.

[cuzwhynotblog]

I love life so much that even when it give me hell , I can't seem to stay mad at it for very long

cuzwhynotblog

[cuzwhynotblog]

Odd encounter

One time ,I came face to face with a horse in the washroom of a bar. He was just there with some soap on his nose and toilet paper stuck to one of his hoofs. I have seen a very odd thing in the washroom but I must say that this was quite the odd surprise. We look at each other skeptically , we did not know what our meeting meant . Was this a spiritual moment of cross species understanding the begin of a fight ? More importantly , would he let me go pass so that I may relieve myself. It was a unique moment ,but my bowels did not really care . I tried to say something to calm him down , like hey there buddy, but as I was about to talk another person came in and screams breaking the moments. The spooked horse answered the cry by trying  to run away . He turns around ,saw that there was no exit and instinctually threw his legs back  to defend himself. I say instinctually because , I had not moved yet . I was not a threat , he knew that from my eyes. Yet he still kicked me right in the face and before I even understood what was happening I was gone. Woke up in the hospital few hours later with a major concision , a black eye and a broken nose. I looked as if i had used my face as a hammer . On the plus side , I did not have to pay for my tab of that night and the bar even sent me some flowers. Don't know what happened to the horse and to my fecal matter . I did not dare ask the nurses .

[cuzwhynotblog]

Say what generations of dead men have said and believe ,just like they did ,that you will live through your self deception.  Maybe one day we will be right but most likely where just crazy.

cuzwhynotblog.

[cuzwhynotblog]

Spending the night in a cave.

Lasting threw the night in a dark cold cave is a burden of will . You see nothing yet are asked not worries about it and to get some rest and wait until the morning comes. But ,who truly knows the future ? What if morning never comes? What if it comes but I can’t see the light because I'm too deep in the cave? What if I have to spend the rest of my life in a cold dark place  by myself.  How can anyone rest in a place like this? Night came so fast , I did not find the time to prepare wood for a fire or gather food for a meal. You can’t see time past in the dark. One minute can feel like an hour and an hour can be days. Should I move around the cave or just stay put? I'm not even sure that the advice was really advice. Maybe it was just an empty phrase that meant nothing. Am I alone? I don't hear anyone else . I’m trying to see positive but it’s hard when nothing around you is giving you an end of a tunnel vibe. If the morning never come should I wait until death or should I claim it myself. Hmmm, I don't like thinking of these questions. But it is a valid question when you’re in a dark cold cave waiting for the morning ,so you may live. In here it feels like life has no purpose. I can't play the game of life , enjoy the company of people , have a job that is meaningful or have a family. All I can do is wait or walk around doing things that may be better or worst for myself. I'm like a rock with a conscious in here. I guest if people have survived the night in the cave before ,then I should be fine. Hopefully, it was a cave like mine. I would not want to be particularly special in this situation. Maybe there’s still life to be had even if I was stuck here forever. Maybe my hearing or eyes could get use to the place . Maybe I could spend my days paying attention to the slightest detail of the floor and the air on my skin. I could learn to truly hear my breath and colors my world with the truths of my mind. I mean , a lot of my mind is like a dark cave. So I guessed I’m not necessarily in a bad situation. If I stay here , I live a life that most do not and if I leave , I live a life that most want and desire to live. Both good path. Ending it seems like just a bummer with no plus . So I guessed I will live a bit and see what happens.

[cuzwhynotblog]

Do I get it , do you?

Let me tell a tale of a man who lived a lie. For years, he did the same thing over and overs and suffer the entire time. OK maybe not but he did suffer a lot. Yet that suffering changed nothing. No story could ever truly define him because no story can ever define anyone. We are not stories , stories are reflections of general experiences . Hear me now . I ask not tears nor broken men , nor even illusions or lies . Nor unnecessary torture ,nor fake revolutions. I say to you ,does who are brave, keep your head up high and keep waking . You can pretend to control everything or you can accept the real position of powerless control and a true river like processes . If one loses himself to the prisons of his mind that we are truly to be pitied . There are prisons in prison , solitary confinement to the highest degree. I’m going mad , but not in the wrong way. I’m going away but not corporeal. My ego never existed , its all and is still an act. I never wanted anything but my life saved, come to find out it was safe all along. Why must I push for change when I know it is all illusion. There is no point, the revolution I declare is not here to promote change but to maintain the system. You see it everywhere ,we fight ourselves while keeping the wall crackles. The rich stay rich the poor change but not really. Law of the universe , law of the world ,law of nature, law of life , law of society, law of the mind , synonym. To leave oneself to the side and break our back for nothing . Serious nothing . I am going to change like a river changes , my body’s life is a wave in the ocean, my thought branches in the wind . Time flows or rather I flow. I get it but I guessed, getting it ,is not part of the main game . We are perspectives and I just got the truth but as I warned myself , I love my wife too much to leave her once she presents herself. I have lost all motivation, but in the same breath have become a fully grown creature, not really but still. There is only the walls I place, and the ''I'' is out of its own control. So let me now declare something to the sky and the earth and the forest , you win. I will be joining you soon . Hence now I say. If I allow it, I will leave my home in the morning to go to walk the world till I find myself satisfied and come back. I get it that the point to leave and come back learning that you know everything yet can grasp it fully. This is my answer to what I was begging for so long in my life the truth truly not the truth artificially. I’m not talking about fake spiritualism but real existence , intrinsically. Granted I never truly leave the real life, and nature is as fake as the computer in a sense but hey ,why not explore the world again in the eyes of the thing that always is .

[cuzwhynotblog]

Miss you so much that i never said hello

cuzwhynotblog

[cuzwhynotblog]

A river

I saw a river in my travels. Simple calm river. It sounds were humble and its presence decorative. It was like a good merchant offering a drink and a bath for a simple payment of time and presents. I look at it with great admiration and desire.  My was i stressed and my was i thirsty . I needed a release . Yet my legs refused to change course towards it. Only the gaze could bend . My person refused to give me this key. I felt i could not take this great gift as i had already taken so much from life already. More than that , i had taken and still gotten myself into this mental state. The river is the as great as it is because it never force the world to bend to it will. It did what it does without pushing any additional force. Droplets found themselves united over and over again until a road was naturally carved with time. Why should i take of such a simple majesty when i refused to follow my own path. I force myself to be happy at time when i wasn't , push things to happen when i wasn't ready and did not start other when i was. I lost my unity and so i consume to try to find a balance. But not this time , not with this river. It was too inspiring to transgress. In his present , for just one moment, my body found its harmonies . In finding it , a certain peace had come out of hiding within me . I now often think of this river. Trying to recreate that feeling i had . But trying not to try is quite the issue and letting go is mighty scary when your mentor is not around to remind you that it’s alright . Hopefully, one day this will change.

[cuzwhynotblog]

Sometime the best motivation to keep going is just a gentle reminder that its ok to be human.

[cuzwhynotblog]

A warrior

A warrior walk into town yesterday . Nobody really noticed. He did not have badges , a cape or a flashy weapon.  He was quiet for the most part , he would give you a friendly smile and a little head movement if you cross eyes with him for a few seconds. I sat down with him for a drink ,we talk about the little things for a few minutes. Then he paused , look at me for a moment, took one better breath and said ,'' yep that the life we live''.  With that and a thanks for the talk, he was gone . I often think about him now.  I knew he was a warrior but I had nothing to prove it per se. No scars or war stories. I did not even ask him , my politeness stop me. Yet ,i know in heath he is a warrior.  See warriors they often see the worst of life almost every day. Death , betrayal ,pain ,lost ,regret ,cruelty and pure selfish greed ,they saw it all. If you look at their eyes, you can see that they are still screaming or crying what they have witnessed. Victims of reality. But that not what make me think he a warrior. I’ve seen those types of eye , in the abusive dads and dictators too. The difference with him was his calm. A true warrior is a person who fully accepted  reality . Doesn’t hide his pain down a bottle ,a needle or bullet in the head. He understands the balance of things , he understands that freedom comes with the freedom to be the worst. He accepts what we are and what we have and keep fighting for us all. The way he smiled , the way he did not empty Pandora’s box and break my mind and the way he did not waste a simple moment to cures the world .  He was a warrior and I thank him for being the pillars that nobody sees but everyone needs.

[cuzwhynotblog]

To deserve

Do we deserve the best of life? Well, if the word has any significance, we know that to deserve something you have to have done something . You deserve your pay if you did your job like the person ask and you deserve time to think about a big career or life decision if you have shown care in doing the right thing. But what about the big thing in you deserve in life ?Like what makes me deserve to have a healthy loving relationship where I can be myself ,have a great family and friends or have a job I'm passionate about and is stable and healthy for me. What makes me deserve those things? I mean when I was born I hadn’t accomplished anything yet people quickly start saying that I and most people deserve a good or great life . In my opinion, there are three things that make us deserve better times in our future. 

The first is that we survive. Life is really hard at times. To give up on life by outing ourselves is a painful thing for everyone around you that now have to live on with the loss of your potential and gifts. I should add that even if one does not see it in the moment we all have potential and gifts . Anyway , if you decide to keep on surviving the hard life with the rest of us , then you certainly deserve some compensation for it. 

Next, i think that people who continuously try to improve themselves to be the best person they can be are more then deserving .If living is hard then improving while living is harder . I don’t think you need to be the best at everything or to improve 0.0000001% a day  to deserve good things. Only in the honest attempt of improvement , we are truly winners and deserve the winner . Blind as we may be and even when the times are thought and that  we just keep failing over and over again . We can do any better than to try and keep trying so glory to those who try.

 Finally, the last thing that I think is an extraction of the first two . To simply not settle for a mediocre existent. You don’t have to be a genius or a saint . You don’t have to revolutionize the automobile or tech industry. You can live on a farm and have a modest family.  To not to settle is simply that if you feel you can be better ,even if it will take a lifetime , you keep going. Some relationship have unresolvable issues that will bother us for the rest of time yet we stay in them because in the moment settling seem easier . We settled to live with someone we tolerate instead of someone we love  . The we settle on boring unfulfilling live where our pastime comedown to watching things we don't care about or playing games so that we don't just stare at the clock to long. We settle in life we dislike when we know we could do better all the time. 

If you take it upon yourself to always try to be in the better position , not in one giving problem but threw out life in general, than truly, you deserve the best that the world has to offer. Now ,let me be clear ,I'm not saying to never stick to one thing . I’m saying to never give up trying to get a better thing if you think you can obtain it . Furthermore, I’m  not talking about other people , only you . Also  better things can be in a same place. You can’t change your family  but you can have a better relationship with them instead of settling in something toxic for you. 

Finally , to recapitulate , if you do one of these three things you deserve the best and if you to two or three of them then , be patient because life will pay its debt one day.

[cuzwhynotblog]

the subject of humor

Laughs not at other weaknesses but at life absurdities. We are all shot out with problems and downfalls in hell-like world . We can be compared to blind sheep looking to try to look at a map to avoid wolves while being guided by a pack of wolves.  A humorist irony if you ask me.  Why would you critique the sheep , they can’t see , why critics the wolf they’re hungry and don't want to fight the thing that they can simply trick? Why would you laugh at the stupidly of the creature and not the ridiculousness of the scene ? Now convince yet , how about another example. Imagine , you see a heavy man trying to work out , sweating like a waterfall , breathing like a train engine and looking like he about to explode. Then a heavier man with a suit and a cigar in a limo stop and look at the man and proclaim , ‘’Should not have eaten all does donuts buddy ‘’. Then continue his ride to the restaurant for his four stakes of the week laughing. Now , again one might find the hypocrisy of the man to be the centre point of the humour in this story. However I would argue that what is quite remarqueble is that we are made with such intelligence to build a society where over abundance is a problem and yet we can be so blind not to see that our own gut is bigger than the one we criticized. Not only that we can be so blind to all the ironies of the situation that we will laugh about it . How about a man with lung cancer smoking in between having to be pumped full of oxygen? I mean what kind of ridiculous machine we are to be in love with things that are bad for us that we will keep doing them even when we are about to die . OK less leave the human world . One day I saw a mouse approaches my cat . The mouse stare at my cat and my cat lazily paw slap him 50 times and finished him off with one or two bites.  I saw that and how could I not find that funny? Mice are so scared of cats that the odder of cat urine can cause them to be traumatized yet a simple bacteria can make them a walking dummy .  My point is simple in this little monologue , our world is very odd and silly . It’s silly eggnog to never need anything else but self-reflection to always have a reason to smile and laugh. There is no need to laugh about other when we are what we are and live where we live. 

[cuzwhynotblog]

To burn a book

To burn a book is to refuse knowledge , to burn a truth ,a reality. Book rarely contain ultimate truths. It is more that when some people works hard and write a vast text , they reveals realities of themselves . they reveal how he thinks , how they and probably others saw the world at a time ,there emotions ,passions and concerns . In other words, a book, regardless how poor or offensive it may be , is a mirror to our psychologies . Now one might argue that  one man cannot represent all but let not forget that even the worst of us where humans. Plus the worst writer where still smart enough to write . When we decide to burn a book , it is like breaking a mirror . It does not change the thing you saw in the mirror , it only blocks us from seeing the thing we need to change or accept.  How could that help us in the long run?  Walking blind might be more comfortable until you hit a poll or fall down a cliff .An objection to this is that a reader can be converted to the book’s message ;hence we must destroy it before it corrupts us. To them , I respond by saying that you don't bring a torch to a pen fight . Fight bad ideas with clearly better ideas. That adds to the betterment of all. We then will have clearly wrong way of seeing things and their pitfalls and clearly better ways of seeing things and their logic. And that why I'm not very fond of burning books deleting TV shows ,series or movies and banning plays.  

[cuzwhynotblog]

A cynical rant whit a point.

Ever had this feeling of cynicism that makes you feel like everything fake. The smiles , the ‘’I love you’’ ,‘’I care for you’’ or ‘’anytime you need me I'm there for you’’ . How about when you said it to others? What about when people tell you there struggle and you can help feel as if they’re basically putting makeup on their pain to make them socially acceptable to talk about in public and using you as a mirror for their words? How about in speeches with anything thing relating to politics where you feel like no ones really care what the person talking about but just give them props like if politics was a sports game and they’re saying that your team has a good game plan? Plus let not forget that the person saying the speech is also just preaching shallowly as well.  Oh , what about religion ? Ever feel like people talking about their faith believe more in convincing others then believe it themselves. If others believe what I believe then I'm not wrong.And so they talk about how better their lives have been since they saw the truth.  Yeah, I’m sure it was a rainbow and Pop-Tarts. Self-help gurus , business people , artists in Hollywood, YouTube, incels, ads ,comedians ,cat lovers , it’s just all feels empty. Now OK maybe I’m being a bit dramatic( and the cat lover thing was a joke) , but I'm sure you know what I mean. It is like the feeling that we live in a fog of cardboard divinity. Now why is that? Well, if I had to try to pin one of the many possible causes ,I would poke laziness and power. See real importance ,meaning ,glory and beauty is really hard to obtain. People say they’re ready to work hard for it ,but most of us don't really understand what hard mean . When you try to lose weight and you say ‘’I know it hard but I will keep pushing’’ but three days in you give up , that shows that you did not catch the meaning of your claim. Meaningful things are hard to find, hard to gain and really monastery hard to keep . So hard in fact that most likely you will never get it nor keep it ever. So why work so hard when there is a much easier alternative. Fake your joy , sense of purpose , drive , love , drama, pain , glory and reap a part of the social benefits . If you’re good at it, you can ever make it your career path. The problem, of course, is that ,most people, including me , will go to that alternative at one point and stay there basically for the majority of there lives. So 99% are lying , no ones want to call in out by fear of being also revealed in the process.  Also , if you are trying to get the real stuff ,your journey is now harder because of all the fake road to it . I don’t really know if this rant will contribute to something but I hope at least that if you get to the end of this monologue that you now understand that if you fall in your purpose but keep going you’re a true winner. You’re the 1% ,you are what keep the civilization from becoming a true theatre show . Your realer than most and I wish you all the best in your journey where most will try to push you toward the easy life . Don’t listen to the one who fails just keep on keeping on.

[cuzwhynotblog]

Help your crewmates during a storm

Pitie too does hold the mast of the ship during a storm instead of helping their brother and sister in arms to keep the boat a float. Those are the true victims. Their fates are dark. If they live , there will walk in a sort of shallow shame  . You made a pact with your fellow man , a promise to sail the chaos of life with them . They help you , you help them . Together you vowed to make your home safe in the harsh open sea. You seem to keep your promise. They started to trust you . But at the time where it was crucial for you to stand up and keep your promise you failed. You held to the structure of other and left everyone else the job of saving the world. Trust is slowly gaining in life, but very easily lost. At this point can he even trust himself? A person needs to be able to make pacts with the world to truly live in it. A job is a pack , a romantic relation is a pact , going shopping is a pact and getting educated is a pact. We live in a ship build on the trusted pacts of generations. And he broke that trust . He no longer a brink in the wall but  a bomb or simply a rock made of broken glass and cray.  A mistake , he made a mistake. Well, less hope he believes that. As if he doesn't how will his soul heal. If not their pain and shame will either lead to giving up or becoming resentful  . Tell want to destroy everything because of their mistake. They will curse the world thinking by proclaiming that it is it that is unfair . You did give me a solution to this pain . Of course , life is not a charity , it is a pact. You failed to keep your part of the bargain and the world left you to deal with the debt you owned.  So try to swim back to the ship poor soul ,before the wave takes you . Nobody has sympathy for you that what makes you truly a true pity. Shamed , scared and alone to fight off the waves. That’s why you help to manage the ship during a storm.

[cuzwhynotblog]

Thirsty

If one found water while thirty but refuses to drink , that is his problem. Guidance can be desired and to a certain level needed but genuine continues effort from the person is required for anything to be done. Thirst is only one of our needs. We also get bored, unfulfilled , unmotivated ,lonely and trouble in our social relationship. Just like thirst there solutions that one can fall upon or work towards obtaining. What is fascinating does is that in front of a possible solution , we often decide not to drink from the water ,so to speak, and quench our troubles. It is as if pain has become comfortable to us and the idea of not having our usual problem scare us.  What will I have to do after I'm not thirsty anymore? Will it be harder , more pain full ? What if I can’t go back? Such worries have their points. Sometime change brings more issues than the problem it helps solve. Think of certain drugs or addiction that we use to deal the problems of stress and boredom that now have caused us to be in a sort of living hell. Truly the problems we’re better off being left alone there. But see comrades the issues is that one can choose , to an extent, his problems but cant innocently complain like a martyr if solutions exist and are at his disposal. Again , imagine a man next to a water fountain complaining to all like a broken man is tormenting thirst.  How could he and all of us take his serious? If he did mean what he said ,then we would assume him to be crazy. Now you can present as is you don't have a solution but most likely , if you are able to read this , there a good chance solution are a few clicks away. Ever heard of Google? Sure it won’t ,by its own fix your sorrows, but surely there answer that can help on there. Books , wise people , apps, movies, documentaries, YouTube channels, social media influencers , people with doctorates in every conceivable topic. The odds of you being able of finding something helpful is basically zero. Plus , if you still haven't there people that can give you tools to search your problems better.  Now, of course, I'm not implying that fixing thing is easy. I'm saying that most things can be fixed if you actually care to fix them. We basically all cry  our sorrows next to multiple continues rivers. We can decide not to drink and live with our problems but I think it is important not to assume that we are as innocent as we pretend to be.