daddycharlierules

[daddycharlierules]

Team Sparkly Blood-Sucker or Team Wolf Boy?

Neither. I already don’t understand why the only options are a 16-year-old and an old man, but after watching Eclipse, I have to ask: is Bella colour-blind? Both of her love interests are walking red flags.

Twilight: Eclipse, the third movie in the franchise, delves deeper into the love triangle between Bella, Edward and Jacob while also exploring themes of rivalry, love and self-discovery. Despite the added depth to both main and side characters, the film suffers from two major issues: toxic love interests and the oversexualisation of minors. 

The werewolves, properly introduced in this installment, vary in age from 15 to 19, yet they all have something in common: a serious lack of clothing. For most of the movie, they’re shirtless—unnecessarily so. While not all of them are minors, they’re all still pretty young. Jacob, in particular, is heavily sexualised, with Bella shamelessly checking him out in multiple scenes. He struts around in nothing but shorts, regardless of the weather. His peculiar choice of style is even pointed out by Edward, who asks, “Doesn’t he own a shirt?” The movie plays this off as simple jealousy, but he poses a great question. Why is a minor half-naked most of the time? One could argue that fewer clothes make for easier transformation, but let’s be real—there’s no practical reason for him to be shirtless 90% of the time. The film emphasises Jacob’s physique for the audience’s gaze, making the oversexualisation of a minor impossible to ignore.

But Jacob’s youth is no excuse for his highly toxic behaviour. While he is a bit pushy in the New Moon, he goes completely off the rails in this one. Not only is he way too intense in his pursuit of Bella, but he also refuses to take no for an answer. He constantly dismisses her rejections, insisting she’s in love with him—classic gaslighting. Sweetie, that’s not how it works. She says no? Back the hell up. Even if he ends up being right about her feelings, coercion isn’t romance. He toes the line of consent—then leaps straight over it.

While Edward also strolls along that line by being 80+ years older than her, at least he’s not as blatantly dismissive of Bella’s rejections. However, he repeatedly disregards her wishes. He makes it clear that he doesn’t want her to become a vampire, but he acts petty and passive-aggressive about it—again and again. Honestly, his behaviour gets old (pun intended). 

That being said, as much as I don’t want to side with a groomer, his jealousy towards Jacob is completely justified. Nothing about Bella and Jacob’s friendship is platonic. She might have verbally rejected him—which should’ve been enough for Jacob to stop—but their interactions constantly blur the line between friendship and something more. Especially after she admits her feelings for him and asks him to kiss her. Yes, she was acting in his best interest, and I would’ve done the same, but if I were Edward? Absolutely not. Unacceptable.

Bottom line: both Edward and Jacob suck, and their relationships with Bella are incredibly toxic. 

A much less problematic relationship in the movie, however, is Bella’s bond with her father. Eclipse does a great job of further developing Bella's character outside of her romantic endeavors. Her family ties get more attention, with scenes like her Florida trip and a heartfelt conversation with her mother.

Side characters also get more screen time and backstory. A character development I’m particularly fond of is Charlie��s. His personality shines through more than in the previous films, especially in his interactions with Bella. One of the funniest aspects of his character is his complete lack of enthusiasm for Edward. His worry and protectiveness manifest as visible displeasure whenever Edward is around. When Bella tells him Edward will be joining her in Florida, his deadpan response—"Super. That makes me really happy"—is absolute gold. He’s the ultimate Edward hater, and honestly? I am here for it.

Rosalie Cullen also gets a much-needed character exploration. Her tragic backstory explains her cold and distant demeanor. Her opposition to Bella becoming a vampire suddenly makes a lot more sense—she’s not doing it out of spite; she only wants Bella to have the choice she never did.

Another welcome addition is Jasper’s backstory. It serves both as character development and a plot device, helping the Cullens prepare for the final battle against Victoria’s newborn vampire army. Speaking of which, Victoria’s entire revenge plot is so over-the-top that it’s almost comical. All that effort just to kill one weak human girl? Priorities, girl. The problem is that the weak human girl has both vampires and werewolves backing her up. Take that, Victoria.

(Spoiler alert: Victora doesn’t manage to kill Bella.)

And honestly? I’m glad. With each movie, Bella becomes more likeable, and I have to admit she’s kind of growing on me. Her final monologue gives insight into her decision-making process and inner thoughts, making her choice to become a vampire feel more valid. She isn’t doing it for Edward; she’s doing it to find herself.

Her journey of self-discovery and character growth is refreshing. Unfortunately, it’s not enough to distract from her godforsaken love triangle. Even if we removed the absurd age gaps, Bella would still be stuck choosing between Mr. Problematic and Mr. More Problematic. At the end of the day, Bella doesn’t need a sparkly blood-sucker or a pushy wolf boy—she needs therapy.

Until next time, my deranged friends,

Father Charles

[daddycharlierules]

Bella, Where The Hell Have You Been Loca?

Writing this review is where I’ve been. I’ve been gazing at the new moon and discovered something new about myself. Now, I don’t know if it makes me a sadist or a masochist, but I’ve realised I enjoy watching people suffer emotionally—especially when it hurts me too. In movies, that is. The second movie of the Twilight franchise definitely understood that assignment.

Twilight: New Moon is a significant improvement from its predecessor. While there are, of course, some horrendous quotes and nonsensicalities, they are overshadowed by the enjoyably heart-wrenching drama and captivating cinematography, making the overall experience much less unpleasant for the viewer.

This wouldn’t be a Twilight movie without some degree of quintessential nonsense. The film starts strong with Bella dreaming of the impending doom of aging. While this is a completely reasonable cause of anxiety most times, Bella’s existential crisis happens because her dear boyfriend is now one year younger than her. Except he isn’t. His body might be 17, but he’s still an old man. Plus, there are so many other reasons for separation that should concern her more than the fucking age gap. Like her boyfriend suddenly deciding he doesn’t want her anymore and his entire family moving away, leaving her behind. 

Another thing Bella struggles with, besides being abandoned by the love of her life, is being a good friend. Okay, your boyfriend left you. You’re sad and become an adrenaline junkie because you get off on seeing his hallucination berating you for your stupidity. To each their own. But please, don’t endanger your friends just because you’re reckless. Leaving Jessica behind to ride off with some random dude in a bike gang that is catcalling them? Really fucking dumb. That could’ve gone so, so horribly wrong for both of them. You wanna put yourself in danger? Fine. But goddamn, choose your timing better.

To address the werewolf in the room, Jacob Black makes an appearance, saving Bella from heartbreak and being there for her when her shitty boyfriend wasn’t. So romantic, so sweet. If only he weren’t 16. While a two-year gap isn’t that big of a deal in most situations, the fact that he’s a minor adds a bit of discomfort, especially considering how the franchise struggles with age dynamics (Edward Cullen, 100+). Why couldn’t Jacob just be 18 from the start? I'm looking at you, Stephenie Meyer.

Of course, no Twilight movie is complete without its share of questionable dialogue. Here are some of my personal favourites:

"Bella, where the hell have you been, loca?" 

Not with you, obviously.  

"Maybe I shouldn't be dating such an old man. It's gross." 

YEAH, MAYBE YOU SHOULDN'T.

"I should be thoroughly repulsed" 

I don't know why you're not.

"Hello, biceps"

I just barfed a little in my dinner.

Despite its flaws, the film has some strong aspects, particularly in cinematography and atmosphere. The cinematography in this movie is surprisingly enjoyable. While we hit some rough patches, the acting improved, as did the film's overall quality. The colour palette, in contrast with the first movie, was striking. The iconic blue hue was lost, replaced with a more natural, golden tone. This shift allows the natural colours to shine, no longer buried under the overdone filter the first movie so desperately clings to, making it easier to appreciate the well-executed cinematography.

Some transitions in the movie were shockingly good. As a filmmaker myself, I’m definitely borrowing some ideas from the editing. The scene where Jacob and Bella are fixing the bikes, and Bella throws a pizza slice to Jacob, which transitions to him catching a wrench? Executed so well. The seamless match-on-action cut maintains the visual continuity of the scene perfectly. 

Another example of continuity happens after Edward leaves. Bella sits on a chair in her room while the camera circles her in a single, continuous take. The changing scenery visible through the window, along with the shifting lighting on her and her surroundings, beautifully indicates the passage of time while providing insight into her inability to move on from her heartbreak. The song “Possibility” by Lykke Li plays in the background, further enhancing Bella’s devastation. That song, together with the rest of the soundtrack, is an absolute masterpiece. From Muse to Bon Iver, the beautifully composed soundtrack elevates the film’s angst, layering the heart-wrenching content with pure, aching melancholy. At the same time, this makes it hard to watch and also relate to the anguish Bella is going through.

The anguish is present every step of the way, and I am all for it. I’ve already laid bare my weird enjoyment of pain. What can I say? I’m a sucker for angst and this movie delivers—from angsty tropes to helpless situations thrown at Bella time and time again. The classic forced breakup trope, where one person hurts the other to ‘protect’ them? Give it to me. The unrequited love towards your best friend? Fuck yes. The parental protectiveness when your child is suffering, and you can’t do anything about it? My poor heart.

Bella suffers blow after blow. First, the love of her life tells her he doesn’t want her and leaves town. Then, her best friend promises to never abandon her—only to do just that. And while both of them did it to protect her, it doesn’t make the situation any less hopeless or her pain any less real. I just sometimes wished this sadness was more dramatically portrayed on screen, especially right after Edward leaves. She searches the forest for hours, and while that conveys her desperation well, I wanted more raw emotions. Full-on sobbing. A complete breakdown. It might be dramatic, but if you're going to have nightmares that make you wake up screaming violently, you might as well fall to your knees and have a full-blown meltdown in the middle of the forest. 

My personal preferences for S&M aside, New Moon is undeniably more enjoyable than its predecessor. While some aspects didn’t fully hit the mark for me, the angst and cinematography more than made up for it. I have to admit— it almost has the potential to convert me into a fan. Almost. But for now? I’m still only here for Charlie.

Until next time, my deranged friends,

Father Charles

[daddycharlierules]

It’s Whoa-hoa-hoa Season, Bitch

When we were younger, we argued about being Team Edward or Team Jacob. As we grow into the deranged adults we must be to enjoy this movie, we realise that Daddy Charlie just might be the only worthwhile man in it.

Twilight is my guilty pleasure. I’m sure many of you out there share my sentiment. It's funny and low-key relatable. But like any vampire victim, I gotta break free from my captor before they suck me dry. Let's face it: Twilight is shit. It is a badly made collection of cliches, romanticising paedophilia and other deeply problematic behaviour. It is also unrealistic and so horribly cringeworthy that it makes me wish for the sweet release of death.

I don’t think this infamous movie needs much introduction, but for those of you who live under a rock, Twilight (2008) is a movie about a pick-me main character who’s so different from everyone you’ve ever met because - and listen to this - she READS. Yeah, you heard that right. She’s not like other girls, and that has the boys fighting for her, of course. Naturally, she ends up choosing a sparkly blood-sucker.

The pick-me-ness in the movie had me rolling my eyes at the screen every five minutes. Of course. Bella is so different from everyone else. Of course. Everybody is obsessed with her. Of course. She’s unbelievably desirable to all vampires. And, of course, she is the only person in the world whose thoughts Edward is unable to read. From the moment she meets him, her life revolves around him. It's like she left all of her personality traits back in Arizona after she moved. It's infuriating seeing a woman reduced to a love-sick, man-chasing, two-dimensional character whose thoughts are nothing but “Edward this” and “Edward that.”

Her lack of thought is repeatedly visible. After Edward shows a display of great speed and strength, together with Bella noticing his cold skin, she makes it her life mission to find out what the fuck is wrong with him. Tell me, how do you, with like three pieces of information, accuse a guy you barely know that he is an undead, blood-sucking vampire? And tell me, how did Edward decide that the best way to prove to her that he’s a terrifying “monster” was to show her that he can sparkle? I’m sorry if I’m not quaking in my boots when you look like a Christmas tree ornament about to break into an emo rendition of “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.”

Our Christmas tree ornament doesn’t only sparkle; he’s also bad at acting, and so is his co-star. Two hours of pure awkwardness and wasted potential was downright painful to witness. Both of the main characters looked severely constipated every single time they appeared on the screen, I was begging for them to take a shit. Bella’s outbursts at random moments hit you in the face like a brick, which honestly doesn’t seem like a bad alternative. 

Another thing I was hit in the face by is Edward’s deeply unsettling behaviour of watching Bella sleep without her knowledge. A random man creeping into a woman’s bedroom to watch her sleep for months without her consent is romanticised? Excuse me? “I like watching you sleep.” “Oh, do you now? That’s a bit fucking creepy, Edward,” would’ve been the correct response. Oh, and paedophilia, by the way. That’s also just there and not addressed in the slightest. While it may not be illegal (don’t hold me to it, I’m not that familiar with laws), it’s still pretty fucking weird to be in a relationship with a 17-year-old at your ripe age of 104, wouldn’t you say?

Moving on from the topic that really should not be moved on from this quickly, let's turn to the reasons why it's so hard to leave this questionable relationship. Iconic quotes. By iconic, I mean I’m clawing my eyes out and crawling under a bed and never coming out because I will never stop cringing, yet I will continue to quote them because I do consider them peak humour. Starting strong with “This is the skin of a killer Bella.” 

… 

I think I’ve made my opinion on that one pretty clear. Thank you, next. The only quote that can top the first one is “You better hold on tight, spider monkey.” If someone called me a spider monkey, I would wait until he’s on a very high tree, before jumping off his back, and hope I break my neck when I land. It is scary how little of an exaggeration that is.

While I have a love-hate relationship with the quotes, there are some aspects of the movie that I found particularly enjoyable. Despite being annoying, Bella can be incredibly relatable. In a certain scene where she has dinner with her dad, a guy approaches them to ask her if she remembers him. You know those moments at a family gathering where a random uncle you’ve met once when you were 4 asks you if you know who he is? Yeah. Just like Bella, I would awkwardly look at my dad, silently asking “Who the fuck is this?” Another moment that had me saying “same” out loud was when Bella was pacing around the kitchen, stressed, walked to a kitchen sink, poured herself a glass of water, took the tiniest sip and poured the rest away.  

This display of nonsensical stress actions was witnessed by her father, Charlie. The movie attempted to create a relationship between Bella and her dad, which was honestly kind of heartwarming. My heart was aching when Bella left him and said something incredibly hurtful to him to keep him out of harm's way. No tears were shed, though, because their relationship was severely underexplored. Still, Charlie really is the greatest part of the movie, which made me think: it takes a special kind of growing up to realise that the older men are what keeps this film going. The DSM-5 refers to this as "daddy issues".

Next to Charlie's awesomeness, I also enjoyed some genuinely hilarious jokes that had me cracking up. In an awkward exchange, Bella accuses Edward of never answering her questions and never saying hi to her, to which he responds by awkwardly standing there for a while before saying “hi.” Peak humour. And when Bella invites Edward to the La Push beach, not knowing that it’s enemy territory for him? He turns her down, saying that it’s a bit too crowded—cue a cut to an empty beach. Also, peak humour.

To wrap things up, not all is bad in Forks, folks. Some awesome humour and some relatable moments can be found. But is that enough to overshadow the absolute monstrosity that is Twilight? Almost, but not quite. Unfortunately, bad plot, romanticised creeps and paedophilia have never been my cup of tea. So, until the next time I feel the need to indulge in this guilty pleasure of mine (hopefully not for a few years), I will stay as far away from it as Edward should’ve from his underage girlfriend.

Until next time, my deranged friends,

Father Charles