daesylvii - Tumblr blog

[daesylvii]

You asked me to be patient with you...but you were never patient with me. You asked me to tell you immediately when things went wrong so we could address it immediately so you don’t dwell over wondering what you did wrong...you didn’t do that for me. You told me that our friendship ending was dependent on my anger because “I was the one who got angry all the time”...you ended our friendship over another matter without telling me. You told me you were working on it, so I could clarify things with you...you still always got mad when I tried after that. You told me I got better at listening to you and hearing you out...only to decide on your own the next day that I didn’t and would never get better. I always tried to fix things with you in our relationship when something goes wrong...you always tried to end it. Do you realise that I was never allowed to be angry in this relationship because that set you off, and I was always running back to coax you even in my pain?

I always had to put myself aside to make sure you were okay...and truth be told, as much as I felt a tiny bit aggrieved, I didn’t mind. Why didn’t I mind? Because you mattered a lot, I heard so much of your pain and I had so much love to give. But to be honest, despite your obvious care for me...I don’t think you really spared me much consideration. I always told myself that’s because you have depression and you’re trying so hard to stay alive that you don’t have the energy beyond trying to survive, but...at some point I have to stop making excuses for you. Honestly, until you learn to care for someone else, you’ll never have friendships this deep with anyone again. No one would even bother letting you get this close. If you don’t want those friendships, then so be it. I wish you the future you seek.

[daesylvii]

Right here right now

I caused my close friend so much hurt they're not talking to me anymore, not even talking to anyone else anymore while they're in deep depression. This ended up making me so sad that I can't sleep, but I'm also so tired. So all I can do is lie awake and think and cry. For the past few days now, I've not even totaled 10 hours of sleep, I don't think.

I feel like I probably lost that friend of mine. I'm torn between regretting what I did and wondering if I really did anything so wrong. I'm not sure right now, maybe I really was too sensitive. I'm torn between thinking that my heart wanted me to protect myself and thinking that I was maybe too easily affected by words that didn't really mean anything.

I don't have energy to deal with people anymore because of this, but at the same time as an extrovert I need to be around people to feel better. Everything is just a contradiction right now.

I can't do anything to help my family out and I'm a burden right now because of my surgery. It will more or less stay this way until the end of this year. As much as I know it will pass, there's still 7 months left in this year that I'll basically be useless. I can't go out to play with my friends either.

To make matters worse, I'm but one step away from being diagnosed with cancer. It's not terminal though, so that's not so bad. I just have to learn to deal with it somehow and worry about it when I'm older.

The upsides though! I know that all of these will pass someday. Hopefully some of these could change for the better but I'm preparing for the worst even as I hope for the best. I've lost weight and I don't have a thyroid condition that I was scared I did! I've finally accepted that I could be worthy of being loved even deep down inside and not just on the surface as long as I changed my flaws at the core. I've accepted that it's okay if I'm no one else's favourite as long as I am my own favourite person. I still have so much about me I want to change and get better on, but I'm at least now able to admire me for who I am and who I am striving to become.

To my closest friend whom I've hurt...it's okay for you to give up on me, just please don't give up on yourself. You are worthy of being loved, deserving of love and I swear that even despite all of these constant fights, I still love you a lot. You've taught me so much about myself, and although it may feel (to both of us) like I've been regressing a lot, I know that you've changed me for the better in many ways. Stop beating yourself up, you are amazing.

[daesylvii]

Every time you hurt me and I need comfort, you end up making me comfort you. You end up making me feel like I shouldn’t feel hurt. You end up making me feel like only your pain matters and I shouldn’t be feeling mine. I know you’re trying, I know you’re reflecting on yourself. But god, I love you so much that all I want is for you to feel okay but nothing I ever do seems good for you. I’m tired. I’m always running after you to make sure you’re feeling okay.

Did we seriously get into a fight over someone as insignificant as her? I didn’t even think it before but you’re making me hate her the more this goes on. What makes matters worse is she’s not helping. If you were at least right about her, I wouldn’t even be so upset. Instead she’s self-centered just like I thought she was. It’s not her fault, you’re right that she’s lonely. She’s still self-centered as crap. And I hate that we fought over her. It makes me feel like she was that important to you. And I hate myself for thinking that.

[daesylvii]

I can’t sleep when I’m really sad, but it looks like you can. How nice. You get to forget all your troubles while you sleep while I stay awake with everything tormenting me. My thoughts going back and forth on what I did wrong. And yet all you can ask me is “Everything about you again?” When you reach out to me, I comfort you. When I reach out to you, you run away. How nice. I’m tired. Maybe I should wean myself off you.

[daesylvii]

Without my family...

I have no one to talk to. I didn’t realise that. I just realised that once I fight with my mom and my sister, there’s no one I can talk to. There used to be my best friend but we’ve just drifted so far apart it’s hard to find a topic. And I don’t want to hear fake excitement on my behalf anyway. It’s obvious to see the lack of excitement from texts. As for others...gosh it feels like I’m bothering them the whole time. They’re always planning with friends to hang out, to go out, to have fun....but they always tell me they’re not feeling like it when I ask. So, for one, they’re too busy to hang out and for another, it’s ME they don’t want to hang out with. I get it. I do. I know a lot of the others have work. And the people who want to interact with me are people who don’t want to give me personal space. Maybe I’m annoying my friends like these people are annoying me. But god it sucks to be lonely.

I’ll probably kill myself as soon as my close family is gone. After all, what else is there to live for?

And hey, thanks to this one sweetheart named Ella who honestly helps to fuel my excitement whenever I text her. I know I may not be a good friend, but thank you so much for matching my excitement whenever we talk. I love you and please find someone good enough for you to spend the rest of your life with.

[daesylvii]

The one always asked

Why does everyone always ask me to do things? Why is it always me? Subscriptions to newspapers not working out means I’m always the one calling in to check. TV not working means I’m the one who should check what’s wrong. Computer not connecting means ask me. I don’t mind it when my aunt asks, because at least she asks. And I know for her, no one else will do it.

But my parents? I’m not the only child? I’m one of 3? Yet I’m always the one getting ORDERED to do things? I’m always the one getting asked to do the laundry, always the one getting asked to clean the house (not just the places I inhabit), always the one getting asked to do something. Go downstairs and buy something, go do this, go do that. And it’s not like they dote on me more. They still coo over that son of an ass even though he’s not done a single thing for the family. In that case, what’s wrong with asking for monetary benefits? It seems like it’s the only thing that I can make sure asking for means the other two will get less, and it’s the only way I even feel half compensated for this biasness. Admittedly, my mother does a lot of things for me, too. But I am the only one in the family who does much back, so WHY DOES SHE STILL TREAT THEM BETTER THAN I?

Yes. I know I am the one who does my best for the family. Yes, I know I am the one who tries for the family. Yes, I know I am the one who doesn’t try to weasel my way out of chores by trying to push away the responsibility. Yes, I know I am the only one who does them properly. Yes, I know I am the one that is the most reliable.

But that doesn’t mean I want to do them without being appreciated.

Why am I the only one asked to do things?

[daesylvii]

Lonely

I have no friends nor family that have time for me. Nothing much to guess about, of course I'd have none. The problem is it gets so lonely. And I daren't write on my social media that I'm lonely, because then people will crowd around and try to help, but that's the thing. If they already didn't have time for me in the first place, that's like forcing them to pay attention to me because I'm in trouble. And boy does that suck as a friend. I want to be self sufficient but GODDDDD I LIVE OFF THE ENERGY OF BEING AROUND OTHERS AND TALKING TO PEOPLE OR HEARING THEM TALK MY EARS OFF. When it gets so lonely, I just sleep in hope of passing time. I guess I'm back in depression mode because of how lonely I get. The problem is that the people who probably have time for me...generally they're people that I help instead. So right now I don't have the energy to entertain them, I need to be entertained instead. But that makes me feel like such an asshole so maybe I'll just...withdraw into myself...

[daesylvii]

Guilt

Is it bad that the only reason I’m not jumping is because I’m scared of how guilty my friends would feel, knowing that they always told me they were too tired or busy to talk to me? What if they found out I was looking for help only after I died? I don’t want them to feel guilty. It’s my choice. I was just too tired of keeping all my anger and sadness to myself.

I want to die but I’m so scared everyone will blame themselves. I deserve to be unhappy anyway so maybe I’ll just be unhappy alone forever. And maybe if I stay far enough away from them long enough...they won’t know when I do die by my own hands ehehe

[daesylvii]

For all you said

For all you were abandoned, I thought you wouldn't abandon me. I thought because we shared the same fate, you'd understand the pain.

Time and time again I just wasn't important enough to you for you to care about. You abandoned me in everything. Is it me? Do I emanate an aura asking for people to abandon me as I am willing to climb mountains for them? It's not that I ask for things in return. I just hoped I'd have friends that cared for me as much as I cared for them. Is that too much to ask for? Is it because I'm not worthy of that love in return?

Maybe I need to stop caring. Maybe this is the end.

[daesylvii]

Intentions

Previously I told my sister whether a writer did something intentionally or didn’t notice mattered to me a lot. She asked me why, since the results were the same. I couldn’t really answer.

But now I know it’s because intentions matter to me a lot. It matters in a sense that I have always found attempted murders the same as murders, even if it meant the victim didn’t die. The fact is, the victim luckily survived. But the perpetrator HAD intended to murder the victim, even if they didn’t succeed. So why is the person who didn’t succeed treated more kindly than the person who succeeded? To me that seems like nonsense. If they maliciously tried to kill someone, they should be treated as murderers as such, not let off with a more lenient sentence. Why are we letting them off easier? So that they could get a chance to succeed the second time vs the first? Intentions to me always matter. I can take pity on manslaughters. I can take pity on people who had good reasons for what they did. But I can’t take pity on ignorance. Doing something bad to someone else in the name of ignorance is the worst crime possible. How dare they hurt someone over something they were uncertain/ignorant of? That’s why I hate idiots.

That’s why I need to know if writers noticed and intended the inferred meaning behind their works. If they noticed that their characters were written with a slight twinge of two-faced-ness. Or had they written their characters to be nice and kind and all so holy, without realising they made their characters a closet asshole which the reader can’t even notice were they not observant nor sensitive enough? Intentions always matter to me. I need to know if you’re a genius, or an idiot. The line can be quite fine.

Perhaps there are those who find that intentions matter, and those that don’t. Which are you?

[daesylvii]

Not yet 21

I’m just barely into my 20th year and I have to take care of everything. Buying a flat and I have to talk to the renovators. Worrying we’d starve so I have to plan out expenses. Worrying we wouldn’t have enough money to pay off the house so I go around borrowing. Starving myself and telling myself “There’s always next meal” in order to save on expenses. Using electricity at work to charge my own electronics so I could save on bills. Showering under 3 mins so I don’t use too much water. Skipping out on grocery shopping so I don’t have food. Buying instant noodles to make the most out of cheap food. Praying hard I don’t fall sick so that I don’t have to see the doctor.

And then everyone gets mad at me for asking questions. About their OWN NEW HOUSE.

What am I doing all this for, really? Why am I putting myself through so much misery for everyone else?

I am only 20. Your son is 30 and goodness knows has ever done what for this family. Your daughter is 27, and while I can say the same of her, at least she tries. Both of you are 59 and 70.

I am only 20.

Why? Why do I have to take care of the whole family? Sure, I should be doing it of my own accord out of love for you all. Sure.

You get mad at me for things she’s done. She gets mad at me for things you’ve done. No matter what, no matter where, I am always the one to take the anger, the blame, the fall.

Why am I trying so hard? Why am I doing all this to myself?

No really. Tell me.

...I am only 20.

[daesylvii]

Fraud of a friendship

Why do I keep forgetting your friendship is fake? Why do I keep getting my hopes up? I’m so stupid. Just because we met up for a gathering to send a mutual friend off I thought we could be close again. How many skype request rejects do I have to go through before I remember that you guys don’t like me? I should’ve known all those times you guys said “Let’s skype tonight!” and then no news was heard. I knew then. I scoffed and laughed when I was at home knowing it wouldn’t come to fruition. But then I believed again. You guys made me believe again...such lies.

Yes, I owed you a lot. But I think my expensive birthday present more than made up for whatever I owe you. From now on I’m going to drop you. I’m going to learn that I’m worth more than how I’m treating myself right now. And if I have any sense whatsoever...I’ll stop texting the group and stop asking for skype calls. This is the end. Goodbye.

[daesylvii]

A vegan’s nightmare

I just had a nightmare. In the nightmare we had to go for a family gathering, and mom and dad told me to stay home because it would be hard to find me food. I wanted to go, because I wanted to make it hard on the extended family to find me vegan food. My sister was going out with her friends, so she wasn't going. She was in the shower. Mom and dad finally okay-ed me going, and mom decides to whip me up a quick meal before we leave. It's a bunch of lil fried stuff. So I was eating, and while munching I lifted the lettuce off one of another food piece...

It was a bunny, encased in brown what seemed like flour batter, what I discern as its eyes were like pale white pumpkin seeds. They were twitching. It was still alive.

I leapt from the table and screamed. Tears followed. "HOW COULD YOU?!" I screamed at my mother. "什么事情?" My mother replied, running out of the kitchen. My dad echoed her words, a frown deep on his face. Dad told her I started being like this when I saw the food. Mom walked over to the food, pulled up the lettuce, and said "Orhh. 她是看到这个啦。" and showed it to my dad. I continued wailing, my head against my dad's left side, opposite from my mom, as my dad actually lifted his left hand to pat me.

"没有关系、一点点而已。你试试看！一点点就好!" Mom said, offering me to try nibbling the food. I SCREAMED. At this point I was aware I was screaming too loud. But I couldn't stop myself. My dad, whose face I couldn't see while my face was buried in his side, said "你看她这样了还逼她做什么?!" in a stern tone. My mom slapped down her chopsticks, "随便你!" and walked away.

I screamed and cried and woke up sweating bullets, a hoarse scream echoing out my mouth. I let myself cry. I was screaming softly and crying and I couldn't breathe. I forced myself to take deep gasping breaths as hot tears continued rolling down. It took me some time to calm down. I knew it was a dream once I woke up. I did.

But because of this, I feel distant from my parents right now and I daren't go find them. I don't think I'll tell them about this. I don't think I can recover easily from this.

[daesylvii]

Fat

So done with my family. They’re upset that I’m fat, yet they won’t stop buying food. I could have food in the fridge, and they will still buy more food. And then I’m scolded for letting the food in the fridge spoil. Nothing I do works.

[daesylvii]

Kindness

Do not mistake it for weakness. Kindness is always, ALWAYS self-sacrificial. I’ve heard people say “do not mistake kindness for being a pushover. Kindness is being kind to yourself first.” Lies. If you do that, it will be the exact opposite. You remember the stories? The stories of how people keep to themselves when they heard others being taken away? That’s it. Those were the people being kind to themselves first, knowing they would be embroiled in trouble if they helped. So they ignored. Is that kindness? Kindness is always self-sacrificial. If you have to be kind to yourself...you will not be kind to others.

But it does not mean they can trample on me. No, just because I am kind gives them no right to trample on me. Just because I am willing to sacrifice myself does not mean they have any right to step on me. I am kind, but I am not a pushover. Dare you say I am not a kind person if I ask for something ‘in return’ for my kindness?

But I am not asking for anything than for them to stop from trampling on me. Surely that is not my fault. And if you’re telling me that you will trample on me the first chance you get that I am kind to you...

Then I will become the nightmare you fear but do not yet know you fear...I will become kind to myself.

[daesylvii]

Childless

He will be the reason I never want to have kids. What a disgusting excuse for a son and...a brother. I will always be afraid to ever raise an imbecile like this. Even if pets can't take care of you when you're old, they'd never turn out like humans could. I feel disgusted to be related to him. I'm so red with anger that I can't even find the right words to describe him.

[daesylvii]

Romance

I now know why I crave romantic love so much. It's because I'm hoping someone can finally give me the love I didn't get.