dahliaunderthesky - Tumblr blog

[dahliaunderthesky]

Diary shit man

As we both know (current Bailey and future Bailey), I prefer writing this shit on paper but it hurts my hand writing too long so here we are. On the computer. So I just wanted to say how much I fucking love bts real fast. Like their past like 3 albums have been about loving yourself. I guess this is cheesy for me to say but it really has helped me. Literally let me read you some of the lyrics from music I used to listen to:"Our legs begin to break we've walked this path for far too long, my lungs, they start to ache, but still we carry on! Im choking on my words like I got a noose around my neck. I cant believe its come to this and dear, I fear that this ship is sinking to night." Now this example is from stuff I listened to when I was like 15. The time when I was most depressed might I add. Im not saying that music is the reason for my mental state of course. Im just saying it didnt help lol. I still love these songs and I think the lyrics are good and creative. But when ur sad and listening to them it doesnt make u happy lol. The reason I am bringing this up is because I just found out what bts's anpanman song is about. So anpanman is a bread super hero who is the weakest super hero but stays by peoples sides and feeds hungry people pieces of himself. "I dont have biceps or pecks, I dont have super car like batman. My ideal is a really cool hero, but all i can give you is just anpan. Ive dreamed of becoming a hero like superman, I jumped hard jumping high up in the sky. Im not afraid of bruising my knees, a delusion of my innocent childhood." "whos gonna do it if it isnt me, you can call me say anpan. Ill give you power, ill be your strength. as I open my eyes, im a hero but still in maze, that young man" Its a cute song is my point. Anyways a lot happens to me now a days now that I think about it. Its not that much but it is a lot to write and catch up on. So Nicole called me crying one of these days about Matt being a real dick. So Justice (her dog) died and she told matt first and he was around her more then me I think and he was just like oh that sucks. Like verbatim. So she was disgusted by how he didnt give two fucks that an innocent little animal just died. He was sad for like a week over his dog dying and Nicole was there for him. So anyways they talked and its all good now. Ill have to ask why he was being a dick. I met this kid named Daryan and hes 10/10 boyfriend material lol. I hope that I date him. Hes pretty cool man. I have only talked to him irl once tho so who knows. He made a good first impression tho. I just don't know the next time Ill see him irl and Ill have to be alone with him and thats spooky. I dont talk to the male gender so. Im going to be dog sitting starting tonight. Im dog sitting for my sisters friends who are part of the drift people. I have to stay at their house and im spooked. I also dont know if I should shower there because showering in others houses (a specially people I dont really know) is weird to me. I dont even like showering in like hotels much lol. Its just being naked in a strange place that freaks me out I guess. I think Ill talk to Irah while Im there because I can already tell Ima be spooked. The dog is cute as hell tho. I packed a lot because Ill be there for like 3 days and it looks like im moving out. I just have a lot of shit I use everyday. Whenever I write these I think about sending them to Irah because I talk to him like I do my diaries and shit lol. Just what Im thinking. Im ordering a lot of Christmas presents and its a lot of money lol. I ordered a sweater for myself because I still need more winter clothes and I havent gotten any yet. I have a lot of sweaters from last year but I feel like my style has changed a lot but at the same time not at all. Oh yeah so since this kid I like is emo (oh boo hoo hes emo Idk I hate that people are like emo? ew. like fuck off who gives a shit) I have to be like heeeeeeeeey I was emo or goth as hell before like leme prove it. Idk lol. This year and kind of last year my style has improved a lot. I think its because I have money for myself now sort of. Before I didnt have any choice on what I bought because my parents got it for me lol. I like really colorful things now because all I ever did was play it safe with clothes and honestly fuck that shit colorful clothes are fun. Fashion is fun. But yeah I keep telling myself to be myself because if I talk all this emo stuff up or talk to impress him then if we really do date I wont be myself. I would like him to like me for myself not for the wall Im putting up lol. Ive never actually been on a date before. I last dated someone when I was 14 and lets be honest I never seriously dated anyone. Middle school aint shit. I just dated to say I was dating in middle school. I didnt give a fuck. So now im super shy and spooked about the whole idea of actually dating someone because its been in my head for the past 4 years and now it might actually happen. Spooky. I also feel like I need to improve myself and like try harder with my body lol. Like my skin care and everything. Honestly though I dont think itll make a difference. This guy said that he thought I was cute back when I had blue hair and I think thats kinda funny because when I saw him when I had blue hair I would think like aye u emo, I have blue hair, like come on man date me. lol. Like does my blue hair appeal to you man? That kinda thing. Its crazy to me to think that a lot of what I have wrote over the years is like mental break downs. I just know the worst ones was when I was trying to graduate. That time was horrible for me. All that shit is written down on my laptop. I should really put all these on a flash drive or something one day because they are everywhere. I pt them on tumblr too so maybe its on there. Anyways thats all I gotta say for now. Bye bye! 10/25/18

[dahliaunderthesky]

Diary thoughts 1

Ok so im watching 13 reasons why right now and it got me thinking about combs of course. So Nicole or matt or whoever told me the other day that tyler before he you know, he told people he had cancer. So that was a thing he told people often and shit i guess and I guess one of his friends asked his mom if that was one of the reasons he did it. She said he never had cancer. Now I dont really want to just blindly believe shit anymore so idk if this is true or just bullshit. Idk why he would lie about that but no one knows why he did a lot of things but himself. And it doesnt change anything. Anyways I wanted to keep everything written down on paper but its just a lot of work lol and im very lazy. Typing is so much faster and easier. Ill put all this shit on a usb anyway. So tomorrow is Nicoles 18th birthday! Yay! shes getting her first tattoo and almost backed out of it. Im glad she didnt but it just makes me even more nervous that she might not like it or it might not turn out how she wanted. I hope and dont think that will happen but it makes me nervous. It should be fine. Im excited and ill be driving there tomorrow which is spooky business because I never drive to far places. I have only a hand full of times now so it still spooks me just a little bit. I have to get more gas tomorrow for it because I always just fill up half my tank since i dont usually go anywhere far. I got my official drift car recently. Its a miada 1991? I think. Its silver and is my lil sardine. Hi I still cant spell. I still need to apply for adp but ive just been so busy and my parents work all week so my mom cant help me on my days off which are during the week. The weekend after this one I will try and get everything done. I will try and learn to drive stick, put the car into my name, get my passport, etc. It probably wont all get done but ill get at least one of those things done. Anyways thats all for now, bye bye. 8/1/18

[dahliaunderthesky]

Plan for the future earlier kids

So I am having little freak-outs every now and then because I am super worried about my future. It is just stressful because I am going to graduate soon and everyone jumps right into a career. I kinda want a year break to be honest. But I also dont want to work at my part time job. Dunkin sucks dick and is getting worse by the day. What I want to do is either go to a college for art or japanese. Maybe even photography. But arizona sucks dick and only have nursing or some shit like it, graphic design (I wanna do irl art my dude), and automobile stuff. It would be amazing to go to Japan to do school actually. I just dont know if my grades would saffice. Also I would miss my friend (I have 1) and family. I dunno. I think ima look for higher paying jobs right now and not rush into anything. Everything is just shit I do not want to be stuck with for the rest of my life. Everything is so boring. No thx. I feel so rushed even though no one is rushing me. I guess its because I have been hearing what everyone else did when they graduated. Ima do some fun shit man. Aint no boring ass job holding me back from doing what I want in life and with my body. I want colorful hair and piercings, tattoos, the whole thing. Ok bye bye. 4/22/18

[dahliaunderthesky]

Graduation Stress plz give me diploma now thx

just getting this off my chest real fast. I am so fucking stressed again. This is the last week of my math class and im still fucked. I am going to try and learn everything but I dont exactly have much time. I am currently at work with nazi boy and its a pain in my ass. Like its not bad bc im only working for like 2 more hours but im just mad I have to work with him because we are under staffed. I hate the sight of him. I just wanna graduate man. Im going to take off sunday to get my work done. another thing that doesnt help me being behind is that were so under staffed im working almost 40 hours a week. It doesnt really feel like a part time job now. keep ya updated myself. 3/27/18

dear fuck you. im super stressed right now because i might fail my math class and graduate late because im a fucking idiot and relying on nazi boy bc i cant do the work myself and he isnt helping me at all. I have tonight and tomorrow till midnight to get my whole class done (a months worth of work) and i dont want to graduate late bc of this. Nicole is trying to cheer me up and failing. she is basically telling me to try my best even tho she knows i cant do any of this work and it is pissing me off. i know she has the best intentions but it just isnt working so im writing in here to make myself feel better and more in control of what i am not. she is just saying shit like try ur best (I cant do anything) and that graduating late isnt bad (it is) and that this is something to learn from (i have failed too much to learn from it) and so on. i am not mad at her i just wish she would cheer me up instead of saying things that arent helping. i want to hear like ill help you and you wont graduate late and such. not try ur best only to fail later. its upsetting. i just had a mental break down a few seconds ago so i dont really want to hear this. daisy helped me a bit bc she saw me crying and came up to me. i love daisy. im so stressed. i cant even work on my math right now  because i have to work on my other class. which i am of cource failing as well. i have too much on my plate right now and wish i could stop time but cant. even if i did nazi boy wouldnt help me. he said he would help me then didnt. i fucking hate him. I spammed him and called him a bunch and nothing. im so sad. and so upset im so damn sad i worked so hard just to fail god i hate myself omg fuck i hate this! why cant i fucking work for myself i cant im so sad. why cant anyone help me i just want to pass my classes and graduate like normal and not be a disapointment and be like everyone else not stupid. plz let me graduate on time. plz. update he is sleeping and had no intention of helping me at all. i would not wish this on anyone. this is fucked up. he said he would help me then didnt at all after i kept telling him i would graduate late if he didnt. i cant believe this. i will never forgive such an ugly soul. he really is a nazi boy. my eyes hurt from crying. i just cleaned my glasses today and now they have tears all over them. i called nicole crying bc i needed to talk to her. she is still my best friend and she cheered me up a lot better over call them text. im glad she is my best friend. im so upset. im going to try my best with my math but honestly i cant do all that in a day. i cant even do it at all. im so sad. my eyes really hurt. i want to just watch youtube and cheer up but i have to do school work for my other class. it is 10:24 pm right now. wish me luck.

[dahliaunderthesky]

Diary thing again

6/7/18 hey hey its me wow its my computer who woulda guessed? I feel like I only speak my mind on here when im sad and tbh im tryna avoid that shit. Reading through my old shit made me a bit sad and I knew it would but yeah I did it anyway. I guess im not as stressed. I think after the last classes and mental break downs and panic attacts I lost motivation. Obviously I want to graduate and its my only damn goal right now but I feel like I already graduated even though I havent. After all this I wish it was over already lol. I have like two more weeks. JESUS I HAVE TWO MORE WEEKS! Damn I didnt even think about that. How crazy. I cant wait to be done with this shit. My goals are to graduate and leave my shitty part time job. Right now im in the process of dying my hair half pink and blue is a real bitch to get out so its taking a few days. I have a few days off work so thats good. I just hope/need it to be done tomorrow so I dont go to work and scare people and scare Tania when she comes over to get her hair dyed for the first time. I dont care about leaving names out because anyone could be these people you dont know. I dont really care if anyone I know sees this anyway. God im blind I cant see the damn keys its too dark in here. Works shit, the people are shit. Get me out man. Lifes good tho. Im happy. I love my friends and family. They are the shit. Love em. I blew too much money at comic con so I need to save more again but thats ok. I saved for comic con to begin with. Now for Japan! I want so much unneccesary shit tho (that is spelled wrong but I dont have spell check atm so fuck it). I dont talk to Irah anymore. It sucks but I feel like there is nothing I can do for him and he is just not about it. Im just listening to kpop now a days which is good lol. I usually listen to grunge and rock and shit but lately its just been upbeat music like kpop and some rap surprisingly. I like listening to happy music bc it makes me happy lol. Mandy is becoming more of an extreme vegan. Like the protests are fine and dandy with me but going into restaurants and yelling about shit is not my cup of tea...You do you tho. I havent seen her in a few months and idk. I want to but I also dont know just because I feel like we have nothing to do but talking to her is still nice and fun but I wish we could do more. That kinda makes me sad. Nicole is just the bees knees my dude. 10/10 best friend. Comic con was the funnest with her and we did not kill each other or get sick of each other. For some reason she makes me erked over text a lot but in person she the best. Shes in Cali right now doin stuff with her boyfriend matt and his family. Shes also doing a small roll in something idk what it is tho. She is coming to Japan with me like 98% sure so hell yeah. I dont really have anything else going on right now so bye bye.

[dahliaunderthesky]

2015

Dear mandy, I have the worst hand writing in the world so I thought id do this. I was wondering how everything was going. I wish I could text you and talk to you everyday but since I cant ill write letters as muh as I can. I wanted to send more picures but my mom said I couldnt sent too many. Im finally getting those pictures from the third or fourth grade developted. Its gonna take like a week though. I havent been doing anything but the usual. which is just watching youtube and such. Iv been dog sitting and they have really long nails and keep scratching me. One ate a lizard. I hope your doing well. I wish I could visit you and ill try and see if I could but I dont know if ill be able to. I dont know what else to write but I was looking through my old things and found this in an old diary: "Dear diary Im 10 years old and a lot has been going on. It was Mandys b-day. Shes my bffeeee(my best friend for ever and ever and ever and ever) (my step sister). Its almost mandys b-day party and its going to be awesome! mandys awesome,cool,smart,funny,fair,caring,and the best step sis/best friend. Dear diary today was me and mandys best sleep over we ever had. Our webshow bffmb it was awesome. Not just our webshow, our sleep over was awesome. I loved it." Lol in this part its just me talking then randomly saying your awesome then I start talking about a book report. My only problems in the third grade were not having a two story house. omfg. Im all man lifes not perfect bc I dont have a two story house. lmao. I dont know if you want to hear more from it I just thought it was funny and forgot about that whole bffmb thing

[dahliaunderthesky]

A old thing

6/12/14

From this point on this will be a little thing i keep whats going on through the years to look back on and probably laugh at how stupid i sound and to remember these things.8th grade finally ended i dont even remeber much of it it feels like it was mixed in with 7th grade and we just took a break and came back like winter break or something.At the end of the year i finally got my first kiss and it was from jadon.Too bad it happened like this:i went in to kiss him thinking thats what you do and he leans in too and we smack faces.We literally smacked each other in the face it might as well been a headbut.Anyways i didnt get over the embarrassment and i think he most likely told his friends about it and laughed(oh wait he didnt have to because they were there.)This year really sucked.I didnt do anything special besides the embarrassing kiss and im prettysurprised i passed the year,Considering my horrible grades.But at least i got one of my goals done,which was to get my first kiss before i went to highschool.One of the reasons is because id be doing online school and not have a boyfriend for probably a few years.I only had 1 real friend at that school and it was Emma.All the rest would leave and not talk to me untill i went to a group party type thing at emmas house.I dont really mind not having that many friends(sounds pathetic i know).But i really dont its better to have a small amount of real friends then a bunch of fake friends.Mandy is one of those real friends,iv known her since third grade back when we were 7 or 8.We fought alot but not any more.We both do online(emma is doing online now too).I have some friends me,mandy,and mandys brother met through video games.Phoebe is 13,kevin is 15 and i dont really remember the rest because i dont really talk to them they talk to mandys brother.Its ok,wev seen their faces,and phoebe is even coming to meet mandys brother because they kind of got a love thing going on.Plus kevin doent really give two craps either way hes more mandys brothers friend but we all still talk.he likes anime like me and mandy do.What else happened?ugh i dont really know.Im bored of this so im done for tonight(might not write anything for a long time anyway.)

[dahliaunderthesky]

Here’s a sad thing from when I was depressed.

I found this on my computer and it doesn’t sound like me. I haven’t seen this since I wrote it and don’t remember it. I am not depressed now. Just stressed so I was looking through my old documents on this computer. 

“I’m sad again. no reason once again. the music isn't loud enough. i want to keep my eyes closed but i like them open too. I have a feeling of discomfort in me. it wont go away till I listen to music. but its not loud enough. I hate being sad. My dad asked why iv been mad lately. I said I haven't been and felt bad for not telling him Mandy has anorexia. Idk if that’s why I’m sad right now. I am sad she has it but I started being sad way before this. I just want to sit and close my eyes.”

[dahliaunderthesky]

Diary #1

Hi notepad! I have come to the conclusion that writing all this shit when I am so goddamn behind on telling my diary shit would take too long and hurt my hand so I’m gonna type it. I do prefer a physical copy of a diary but this will have to do for now. Ok so its been a lot asss time since I filled you in. Leme tell youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu. so I guess you have to hit space or this shit goes on forever but I like the way it looks on here so whatever. Its been a while since i’ve typed on this computer and these over grown nails are a pain in the ass with these keys. anyway, I bought myself nails a month and a half ago because I haven't in two years and wanted em. But now I don't have the money to keep up with them because of Christmas presents. I bought my dad $200 paint so that was a big dent in my fortune (ha). So I am in dept to myself because I need to keep a certain amount in my bank at all times but that shit is lower then it should be. Dick face McGee is a dick face like usual.Some lady at the drive thru asked for whip cream on her coffee and he walked up to me yelled "I HATE FAT BITCHES" and threw the fucking whip cream can at the wall. So me being pissed hes acting like a fucking pussy ass baby over nothing yell "I hate rude assholes!" He didn't say anything to that he just went and sat down to play his computer game. (Since I plan on posting this shit on tumblr I guess wow I’m so cool I’m gonna fill anyone reading in) So I work in fast food I’m a teen and its my first job. If u haven't gotten a job yet fast food is usually the first job u get but if u can avoid it I highly recommend it. I tried to but I didn't think the place I work at would be the much like a fast food place because of what it sells. Anyway I work with this asshole guy hes like 4 years older then me, asked me out I said no, hits on every girl he sees, is ugly as sin (inside and out), and has anger problems and is known to break shit at my work place. Why he is still hired is beyond me. Anyway After that I had enough working with him (I have to close with him and that means we only work alone together and hes a dick in front of every other worker so imagine how he is alone. Also hes a racist! And is proud. Makes me sick. SO I asked my boss to stop having me work with him and junk and he said it was cool but I realized the only reason he is still hired is because he is exactly like my boss (my boss isn't racist though). My boss also has anger problems wow! Here’s some things dick head McGee does around me that no one knows tho! He asks me to 1)close the store early. 2) leave for an hour to go work out or do something else. I’m more then happy to tell others this shit because I hate him and he should work for the money hes getting. I always say no to these questions btw. Oh hes also a dick to customers of course. Anyway my boss says yes to me not closing with him and I feel like i’m on thin ice because even if I am a good worker I can be easily replaced anytime for the slightest inconvenience. Oh yeah lets call this kid neck boy for now since I don’t wanna use names I guess. I call him this because he has a neck tattoo. Hes hot, nice, sweet to customers, everyone loves him but if only he wasn't a stoner. Smoke weed idgaf but he does it everyday and throws up everyday because of it. Its also Xanax and shit too. He has been calling out sick literally everyday every week and he isn't gonna be fired or talked to or anything bc my boss loves the kid. I’m a shy teen girl he doesn't give a shit about me lol. enough about work though, Nicole (my best friend) is in Washington filming a movie! She road in a limo and shit and is in a really nice cabin and everything and it looks so cool. I’m proud :,). She finally got the court (im gonna stop explaining shit from now on) papers. I didn't know it took this damn long for shit to go through with the court. I hope now you know who gets her shit man. Oh! I went to a toy donation drift event last weekend. It was super cool because only pros drove. I road with someone I haven't before and he asked if he was better then my sisters boyfriend and I was thinking "well iv’e ever feared for my life with him" It was a lot of fun though lol. I feel super safe with my sisters boyfriend driving (because hes a pro and knows what hes doing) so driving with someone who almost crashes and gets crashed into is interesting lol. Hes not bad at all he just spun out a little and we were in a like enclosed track where everyone goes at once so you can easily crash but I don't think anyone crashed into each other that event. Nicole and Matt tried setting me up with one of Matt's friends which I am all for man iv’e been single for 4 years. I still have standards of course lol. He was a nice guy but just not for me. Hes one year younger and likes drift but I thought he was a drifter, no he doesn't even have the car for that shit lol. Oh I forgot to mention my whole family and I drift. He kind of just sent shirtless pics of himself, talked about himself, never asked about me, etc. I gave him a second chance and talked to him in person at my work but it was still meh. I confirmed hes not my type with that. Also he comes to my work through the drive thru and expects a damn convo like dude I’m working right now my crab ass boss is behind me eyeballing every move I make and I have other customers now is not a good time. He even tweeted "when the employee ignores you." He said my works name so I know it was me. I’m not ignoring u I’m busy. also were not dating stop. Matt is also super (Nicole's boyfriend) bored since Nicole is gone for the movie. He asked me to hangout and we have never talked outside of Nicole. So Im like ehhhhh maybe not. I mean I want friends and I’m down to hangout but it would be so awkward. I asked nicole if it was cool first bc idk how relationships feel about boyfriends hanging out with girls anymore. My grandparents are coming this Friday which is cool but I have no idea what to get grandpa for Christmas and nana’s package is just not here. Idk where it is they said its delivered but nope. I learned sign language so that’s cool. Oh! fucking dick face McGee was walking past me and his arm was out when he was fast walking and it hit me in the stomach and really fucking hurt. He was like sorry haha. It was an accident but im still salty about it. Im getting my fourth tattoo on the 22nd. I hope it turns out well because its more detailed then the others. All my tattoos are where I cant see without a mirror so I was like wait 3? What are they lol. I have one on my ribs, back of my neck, and my back. The other day at work a guy came in ordered a donut and then told me how he worked for 26 years and that people are telling him hes unemployed and was like "CAN YOU BELIEVE IT 26 YEARS AND THEY SAY I’M UNEMPLOYED" like dude idk you if you don’t have a job right now, you are unemployed atm please go away. It was just out of nowhere. Not sure what else to update you on...Oh well bye bye for now! 12/13/17