daisymmarie-blog

[daisymmarie-blog]

Daddy Issues

Dear dad,

what did I do to deserve such a pathetic excuse of a man as a father

Living in denial of your mental illness

No wonder at nine I tried to kill myself

I had spent my whole life trying to please you

And then you told me I reminded you of my mother

The woman everyone knows you hate

And I realized nothing I ever did would make you love me

I was your little girl

I believed just like every child that their dad was a super hero

Until my super hero started to hit the innocent instead of the bad guys

I no longer heard “I love you”’s

And if I did they came with strings attached

I was conditioned to think I was good for nothing more than stroking your ego

If I played my role, I earned your attention

But if not, words of anger lashed out

What hurt more than the words “Little bitch” and “whore” was how all of a sudden I was no longer even worth the abuse

I was just forgotten

You no longer came to pick me up for your weekends

I’m your only child and you couldn’t even be bothered to meet me for dinner on my birthday

But you did manage to send me a letter

explaining how I was such a disgrace of a daughter and a whore that you no longer wanted anything to do with me

Those words written in ink, so permanent and daunting

All because I no longer fit the role of “perfect daughter”

You made me believe I was unlovable

So when the cool older boy at school started to take interest in me I couldn’t believe it.

That was mistake number one

Or better known as T.

Man how you fucked me up

You made me live up to my dads prophecy.

I believed you loved me

But you didn’t

I was a conquest

And man did you conquer me

“Relax, it��ll stop hurting. Just let it feel good”

I cried myself to sleep that night

No matter how many showers I took I couldn’t erase the image of you

Forcing yourself inside me

The image of how easy I was

How I didn’t put up a fight

I didn’t love myself enough to fight

So I whimpered no and prayed for the pain to stop

The physical pain subsided with the bleeding

But the marks left behind remind me of the emotional trauma each time I saw myself in the mirror

The girls in the locker room noticed the evidence too

They giggled and asked me if I had fun

So I laughed it off and told them yes

Because It’s easier to admit to being easy than it is to being a victim.

I was already labeled a whore, might as well live up to it

So then came N

You were the perfect bandaid

I covered my suicide attempts and low self esteem with our cute innocent little relationship

Until you started to hear that I was easy

And then you started asking why I hadn’t opened my legs for you

Our relationship wasn’t innocent any more

So on our one month anniversary I slept with you

I already lost my virginity

Why not just add to the list

I didn’t even cry after

I thought maybe if I consented this time it would be different

It wasn’t

I still hated myself after

I hated myself for being exactly what my father thought I was

Then there was J

J saw through my bullshit

But he didn’t see me as unloveable

We were both so broken and damaged that we clung to each other

We built this beautiful world that allowed me to escape reality

J was the first boy I didn’t flinch at when he touched me.

In fact my body craved his touch

He was my beautiful life line that pulled me above the pain

Until he didn’t

Until the rumors started of another girl

And man let me tell you

Those rumors broke any fragile rebuilt self esteem I had

I was worthless

My father didn’t love me enough to stay

The boy who saved me didn’t love me enough to be faithful

Everyone in school knew

They knew that I was nothing

Adding another label to the word whore

After my heartbreak I tried to cope with other boys and lovers

All of them failing to fix my self loathing

I was looking for something

Something other than shame and guilt

But the shame and guilt came after we did

And I looked in the mirror still hating myself

I cried in the tub still wanting to kill myself

I still tried to fill the void of an absent father with boys who didn’t love me

I spent years in counseling

Statistics say girls go after guys who remind them of their father

And that’s exactly what I did

I went after narcissistic assholes who made me fight for their attention

I wasn’t their girlfriend

I was their entertainment

I was something to get off on

- original poem