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[dandilae]

pretty shitty how baseline human activities like singing, dancing and making art got turned into skills  instead of being seen as behaviors

so now it’s like ‘the point of doing them is to get good at them’ and not ‘this is a thing humans do, the way birds sing and bees make hives’.

[dandilae]

I’m so grateful right now of the opportunities I have to peruse a career that I love and to eventually be able to be independent and build a life for myself. I really cannot wait for that to happen and it’s so exiting to think about it! I do wish though that there was more time. The career I’m pursuing, while I do love it, it is the compromise I’ve made with myself, life, and time. Realistically speaking I wish I had the time to do more in life than just pursue a career in medicine. So, the point of this post is kind of just to say everything I would love to do in life if I just had the time.

One of the things that comes to mind for sure is that I want to be a fashion designer! The idea of clothes, fabric, construction, modeling, contrasting, aesthetic, and finess appeal so much to my creative being. My fashion would be strongly influenced by glam of the 60s and/or the fun of the 80s. Space age fashion and techno-futurism are also strong appeals of mine. I would love to be able to make clothing that would help define a decade , it’d be a dream come true.

Along the lines of fashion, going into the career of drag would be so amazing. Having the freedom to express the essence of who I am and who I want to be through the art of drag sounds so liberating. I’d be able to explore fashion, and makeup, and performance all in one job. Then having the talent to entertain a crowd of people that respect your craft and all the hard work put into it! And to top it all off, the applause from the crowd would be like ecstasy coursing through my body.

On a much lighter note, I would want to be a shop owner! My shop would be called Dainty Dames, where I would be selling flowers, different types of teas, candle sensies, and planting seeds. I have a very serene and harmonized side of me that this job would embody. It would be a slower pace of life filled with warm smiles, life long friends, and an optimistic zest of life :)

And to end, a teaching retro-homemaker. I actually speak about this a lot in real life and that’s because it’s actually very dear to my heart. I would do the laundry, ironing, cleaning, cooking, and baking of course. I would have my own bunny that I would have running around outside while I tend to my garden. On Sunday Brunch I would kiki with the other housewives. Take care of the children, attend church on Sunday mornings, and get ice-cream afterwards. I would host parties in my home. Be a role model for my children and husband while keeping a very dainty and feminine poise. On the side, I would teach a class on how to be a proper dame. Teaching the future generations of boys and girls that femininity, daintiness, elegance, opulence, and resilience are not things to frown upon but to embrace and express.

So that’s everything I would do with my life if I had the time. Life is a constant ultimatum and sacrifices are not bad, they’re just a change of path. I likely won’t be able to pursue any of these as a career but that’s alright. The one thing these all have in common, even though by different means, is that I have left something to my name for people to know me by and that I was able to touch in a positive way the lives of those around me 🥰

[dandilae]

I’m back back back again to discuss another one of my struggles! I do understand that most of these are entitled boy struggles but to me that doesn’t make them any less valid. Anyhow, I was scrolling through Tinder and I saw someone who is going for their MD and he looked very well composed. I obviously compared myself to him and well I didn’t necessarily feel good afterwards. In a general light, I see myself to be a open, detailed, and oriented but also a little immature, rather child-like, and very much not put together. Those are flaws of mine that I feel like I “know” how to fix but I can’t because of a little something I call my “two personalities.” When making decisions, expressing myself, and representing ideas, around 95% of the time I’m in a tug-a-war with myself. I always have two different opinions as to going about what I just mentioned. Part of me is always very outgoing, fun, egotistical, childish, loud, flamboyant, fabulous, careless, drama queen, emotional, colorful, aesthetically pleasing, entitled, fashionable, etc. but the other part of me is very upkept, responsible, logical, impatient, reasonable, stubborn, eloquent, intelligent, self-conscious, boring, rude, organized, apathetic, mature, etc. Both have their good and bad qualities that I acknowledge. The issue is that I want to be both of those individuals at the same time so I find it really hard to find the right balance between the two. I want to have fun and enjoy life which is why I like my first personality traits but I also want to achieve things in life and make a name for myself which is why I like my second personality traits. I don’t understand how some have been able to do it, but it just means that I have yet to find the right mix of both of them. Having practically all decisions I make be a conscious or unconscious dilemma is so tiring. It’s a constant battle of pleasing societal expectations and my expectations, and both are equally as important. That’s all I have to say. I hope I soon find what I am yearning for, good old equilibrium. Bonne soirée 💫

[dandilae]

“Every picture I have, there was always someone beside me. Yet when I look back at them, it feels as if no one was ever there.”

I started with that quote because it portrays how I’ve been feeling the past month. I haven’t been alone but I’ve been very lonely. I am eternally grateful for all the friends I have but unfortunately they are not enough. I have attachment and solitude issues because of the environment I was raised. And it’s hard to emotionally rip the people you grew up with out of your emotional life in hopes that the great friends you have will fill the self-created emptiness in you. And I was really taken aback when I realized that it is a lot harder than I thought it would be. I thought that my friends would easily welcome me and they would open themselves up as much as I was trying to. But that did not happen, because every time I did that I FELT the emotional barricade they put on our friendship. And hitting that wall hurts like a motherfucker. At first you don’t really notice it, it’s as if the adrenaline is keeping you from the pain but as it wears off you are in constant increasing pain and there is nothing you can do about it because talking to them results in nothing but feeling even more alone. Constantly trying to navigate conversation to talk about the issue and to always end up having it being answered so robotically or changing the subject to avoid it does not help. Don’t get it twisted though, I know that not everyone is willing to let their walls down. People already may have enough of those close connections, our personalities just don’t match, or it could be that they are just not ready. But the fact that none of those close friends of mine have even noticed/cared to help me through this rough patch in my life sucks. I keep on putting a smile but as I feel more lonely those smiles keep slowly turning into my angsty fits. My temper-tantrums that everyone sees as silly and immature are my way of venting that something is really emotionally hurting me. Of corse no one ever takes the time to even get to know a person enough to even know this though! They keep expecting everyone to act the same way, the same conditioned standard way and anytime someone acts differently it’s just a quirk or a flaw or a silly joke! Well it’s not a silly joke to keep feeling lonely and wanting a single person in your life to just share that deep emotional bond with but there is NO ONE when there is EVERYONE...

[dandilae]

I have to be very upfront with this. Twentygayteen was an extremely complicated and emotionally charged yet fun and eye opening year for me. Academically speaking this entire year has been a struggle. The relationships I have with the people around me have been destroyed and created, blossomed and withered, and challenged. My mental health seemed to have fluctuated so much, often times making me feel out of control. My drive, zest, motivation, purpose, character, meaning, everything about my identity was in “Try Me” mode. I feel I’m in the midst of my early adulthood crisis. That’s hopefully a good thing, I’m ready to continue changing my identity towards personal success.

My style is a giant part of how I consider and see myself as a person. When my style changes, subsequently so do I. This new year begins a gradual change in my couture. My fashion is headed towards a more refined and clean look while I continue to challenge gender stereotypes. Androgyny has never looked this good ladies, gentlemen, and all in between 👒

As I continue to fight my mental health I hope my physical help also comes through. I want to feel good about my body, I want to be able to be proud to show off my fashion with a lucious physique. And hopefully pick up an honorable guy (or lady) along the way.

Cheers 🥂 to a year of growth! Cheers for 2019!!!

[dandilae]

[dandilae]

My boyfriend: //smiles Me:

[dandilae]

[dandilae]

my single ass, already loving my future girlfriend with all my heart despite not knowing her:

[dandilae]

when a gay person says “the gays”: blessed, wholesome, probably followed by lighthearted joke about our healthy relationships

when a straight person says “the gays”: snakes begin to manifest in m home

[dandilae]

Being only 19 years old, you’d think I wouldn’t have any life long regrets yet, but I do have one. Every single day of my life, I regret not having been able to express myself in my colorfully gay and flamboyant way when I was younger. I look back to my Middle School and High School years, and I think of all the great things that could have been had I been honest with myself and the world. It is, unfortunately, too late for that. This now being my second year of college, and I have tried every single day to make up for the loss time but it just doesn’t fill the empty void of my teenage dreams. I let the fear of being ridiculed, rejected, disowned, kicked out, bullied, beat up, harassed, etc. keep me from living my life. Please don’t let them keep you from living yours. Be yourself and fight in support of yourself. Don’t let nobody tell you otherwise, we all deserve the right to pursue happiness 🌸

[dandilae]

LMAOO

[dandilae]