daringtobehuman

[daringtobehuman]

have you ever been so tired that you just... want to stop existing?

cause that's where i'm at.

i'm tired of life. i'm tired of work. i'm tired of people. i'm tired of disappointment.

and the new year just started and instead of feeling hopeful about all the new possibilities, i feel tired.

and just... not existing sounds really nice.

i regret that i'm not old enough to just go in my sleep tonight. or that I can't give someone else my years who wants them.

knowing that my dog wouldn't understand why i never came home is one of the only things keeping me afloat.

i'm afraid that one day it won't be enough.

[daringtobehuman]

i just need a space to vent

I have a friend. Let's call her Lily.

For months, I have been Lily's tried-and-true. I have stuck up for her in public and in private, and got myself ostracized as a direct result of it. And I don't regret that - she was being bullied, and it was bullshit, and she deserved to be defended.

But I have been struggling to crawl my way out of the spiral of drama and bullshit ever since then. And Lily has been... begrudgingly-supportive-borderline-discouraging ever since.

After the drama, I wanted a fresh start. Some breathing room. But I didn't want to abandon the fandom I was interested in. So, I decided I would start fresh with friends unrelated to the bullshit. New server. New account. New events. etc,.

And the whole time, Lily has been screaming from her soapbox about how injured she was. How she can't stand to even read the pair anymore. How she doesn't want to be associated with anything to do with it anymore. And she doesn't understand why I do.

And beyond just not participating in anything I try to arrange (with one exception, which wasn't done for me but conveniently overlapped with something she was already doing), she's been flat out negative about everything I try to do.

She abruptly left the group chat we were in with a few other writers because we were all writing for the pair that she "can't stand to read anymore" because she associates it with bad memories or whatever.

But the next day she worked on her own fic for the pair and posted it with no issue, and has since continued to engage with it.

And now she's moved on to another fandom, she's writing new pairings, making new friends.

Which is great. Genuinely, I'm happy she seems to finally be moving on from the bullshit.

But she's also now doing all the things for this other fandom - participating in exchanges, events, etc,. - that she strongly discouraged me from arranging and more than once told me how stupid she found my ideas.

And tonight she invited me to join.

And I was so, so angry.

Months. Months. MONTHS of being discouraged, of being told my ideas were stupid, of how uninterested she was in them, of how much she hated things like fandom events or writing challenges, and she invites me out of the blue and I just---

Like I know it was coming from a good place. She knows I enjoys those things and she wanted to invite me.

But for fucks sake. Seriously?

I never said anything about how her discouragement hurt. Because she was hurting, and I wasn't trying to make her hurt about me in any way. But it fucking hurt. I supported her from beginning to end during the drama, every single meltdown, every single depressive spiral. And I never pushed her to participate. It would have been nice to have been offered some fucking encouragement but I didn't even ask for that.

No, now that she's not hurting anymore, she's 10 different kinds of excited about all these things that are cool to her now and acting like they're brand fucking new.

And when she invited me, I don't blow up. All I said was "I'm glad you're making new friends <3 but no thanks". For all the reasons above + some more that aren't worth venting about (not the least of which is that I'm insanely busy and don't have time for my regular fandom activities which she fucking knows).

And she gets mad at me because she felt my response was curt and hurt her feelings and I could have offered further explanation.

Now, on top of being hurt, I'm angry. I'm angry that she's angry. She doesn't even having a fucking reason to be angry.

And I don't owe her a goddamn explanation. Even if I wanted to give her one tonight, it would be written in anger. And I specifically didn't want to do that, which is why I kept it short.

The worst part is, even if I tried to explain - to say, "Hey, as glad as I am that you've found joy in fandom again and are making new friends and having fun, it really hurts to be invited to the same kind of events you actively discouraged me from arranging at a time when I really could have used your support, even if you didn't participate." - it will get flipped back on to me.

I'm just... so tired.

I have been walking on eggshells around Lily for months and it's just getting to be too much. Friendships are supposed to be mutual, and this is starting to feel parasitic.

This isn't how I wanted my New Year to start. Not at all.

[daringtobehuman]

[daringtobehuman]

[daringtobehuman]

[daringtobehuman]

there is nothing quite so agonizing

nor pain so sharp

as watching your friendship break

and knowing there’s nothing you can do about it

because doing something

is all you’ve been doing

while they have done nothing

and clinging more tightly won’t salvage it

but letting go hurts just as much

because at least when you’re hurting you’re still feeling something

but god does it suck

[daringtobehuman]

Dear Me #3

Dear Me,

We're really bad at this. Like, incredibly awful. I've always known that I was bad at journaling, I mean we've probably got 10 and every single one of them has only got four or five entries in them. But maybe this is just how we journal - we only do it when we really need to work things out with ourselves. Of course, if we just journaled like everyone else and did it regularly, we probably wouldn't need to do a super heavy entry every couple of months.

I don't think you're supposed to use 'journal' as a verb, but I did and will probably continue to do so. Oh well. 

Anyway, we're still a virgin, working at Applebee's, not going to school, and living in Minnesota. It's fucking cold here - I got excited when it hit 15 degrees the other day and said "It's so warm!". That's how cold it's been.

I've been feeling really... lost, I guess, and while the feeling isn't new, I've gotten really good at ignoring it. But everyone is graduating college this year - Megan, and Sammi, and all my friends from Mt. Holyoke... and It hurts so much that I'm not part of it. I'm looking back on everything and it's like all my dreams are shattered and gone, and I feel like I've ruined everything. We wanted to go to Harvard, and we can't even get through a class at a community college.

I want to go back in time and ask myself: What happened? Because, I don't know when things took such an awful turn. I know that there were little things I could have done, like been more social and studied a little harder, but I can't pinpoint when I managed to fuck things up so spectacularly that I ruined my life.

Maybe it was the culmination of not paying attention to the little things. I don't know. But I'm sitting here, writing this while I'm working twenty-five hours a week at a minimum wage job that I hate, not going to school because I can't make myself care and I am so afraid of failing again that I can't even bring myself to try.

I feel like life is passing me by so quickly and I can't seem to catch up. I don't want to be a waitress for the rest of my life and struggle to make ends meet. And I don't know how to get back on track. I don't know what to do, or how to do it, and sometimes I feel like giving up altogether.

There's no reset button for life, and there sure as hell isn't a goddamn user manual (not that anyone reads those anyway). I feel like ending this entry here, because I don't know what else to say. I don't have any words of wisdom, or uplifting bullshit to sell myself. I can call myself tenacious, and say I'll never give up - but I don't have anything to give up on. 

I'm drowning in a sea of aimlessness and indecision.

[daringtobehuman]

Dear Me #2

Dear Me,

Noting the seven-month absence, I'm going to be completely honest: I forgot this blog existed. I made it really early in the morning when I wrote our first letter, which - by the way - I happen to find really fucking well written and poignant right now, and forgot about it. Not that that is anything new; we're about as bad at remembering to write in our journal as we are about regularly writing.

I rediscovered this blog because I was editing our profile page on NaNoWriMo (which we will be attempting, again), and clicked on the link to our website. It took me to a tumblr blog which very obviously was not ours, likely a domain I lost or let go of a long time ago. Regardless, it prompted me to hunt for it and, well, here we are.

To summarize, briefly, the past seven months: failed Normandale, moved out of apartment and back into Nana's, quit job at the Afternoon, promoted to server [finally!] at Applebee's. That's pretty much it. We went to Byrd Fest this past weekend and I now have empirical evidence to support our hypothesis - we fucking hate camping. The festival was fine, but is definitely not our cup of tea.

I don't have much to say in the way of inspiring things this go around. I'm not in a bad place, per say, but I'm not back on track as I'd hoped to be. But this is our golden year, so hopefully things will improve. We're doing that thing that we do every couple of months - where we evaluate our life and decide to change things to make it better. Right now, I should be making a list of habits and ways to change, and if I was less tired and preoccupied, I would be. But I'll save that for tomorrow.

Our life feels... stagnant. The same thing every day, with only minimal variations. I feel the need to be spontaneous, and yet I lack the method to do so. I feel the need to make a goal chart, from weekly, to monthly, to yearly. Again, it should probably wait until tomorrow; we've got work in the morning. See you tomorrow (I mean it this time).

[daringtobehuman]

#RMi RESPECT MY iNDiViDUALiTY #music #newmusic #hiphop #edm #success #life #free #people #quote #quotes #beauty #real #beautiful #peace #love #happy #happiness #vegan #motivation #fitness #art #good #hope #heart #spirituality #meditation #friend #friends #friendship

[daringtobehuman]

[daringtobehuman]

[daringtobehuman]

[daringtobehuman]

Love your journey through life….

[daringtobehuman]

aren’t as bad.

[daringtobehuman]

[daringtobehuman]

✝ Daily Verses and Inspiration ✝ http://goddaily.tumblr.com/

[daringtobehuman]

It’s not who you are inspiration positive words