daydialogue

[daydialogue]

older

my pregnancy craving especially includes sweet juices /: to the point where me affi buy syrup and mix some time. but any juice in sight will get mash up and when me seh mash up me mean dung me throat. i also made boiled dumplings for the first time today and ate it wid liver (low iron + i love it) and it was so yummy, i was so nervous e bcs i’ve never attempted fi mek nuh boil dumplin before like… me just turn wife & soon mommy so i guess it was time. but back to the juices, me cannot afford fi a drink juice at the rate i am. this is crazy. pregnant people should get sponsored by the government to cover their cravings because jah know…. anyway that’s the post, pray fi me cravings. 4 weeks 2 go <3

[daydialogue]

The 3rd Trimester (older)

I am at the end of my 3rd trimester and I am starting to feel all the aches and pains in my joints, namely my hip and pelvic area. I havent done anything that everyone else has constituted as quickening labour. I however having been walking a lot more and bouncing on an exercise ball. I know there is more that I can do and sometimes this leads to random bouts of dance parties in my room and squat reps in between my favourite songs. I have been sick with i dont know what for almost a week now and I would like to believe it's getting better but now my husband is sick so that is another thing added to our plate. This is only a problem because we can't get our baby sick because if we can barely breathe I cannot imagine a baby that cannot blow their own nose or let you know that they cannot breathe. We also had to pass like a certain "test" to be eligible for a home birth. Which with a little hard work and focus on my diet brought us through that fiasco with flying colours. Now we just wait on baby. We have had the best support system gift wise because we have all we need for our little one. Anything else would be anything extra that would help us out or diapers and wipes. We definitely feel so blessed. I made a comment to my friends that I will cross my legs and keep the baby in if no one bought me post partum essentials for my vagina, because everyone wants to see the baby and wants the baby to come into the world safely but my cooch will need a lot of aftercare and she will not be neglected. My best friend bought the cooch things and we love her for it. I used the peri bottle today that my friend from back home bought because I got my vagina sugared and she is screaming and i peed and sprayed her with the peri bottle and it felt so good. Also I didn't get sugared because I care if there is hair or not but I would like to not think about anything vagina related for weeks, and if one should experience a vaginal tear, I would really prefer down there to be appropriately landscaped to make it easier for my midwife to stitch and sew as needed. I really dont know how any of that works and I hope no tearing occurs because hello??? that is not the vibe pls. I will have a baby soon and I think that it is so crazy that soon I will have a family of 3 instead of 2. I will never be able to do things sporadically without including my baby. I am also really excited to pump milk. I honestly have no idea why. I just like the idea of being a cow for a while. Like moooooooo. Anyway, I am a whole mom and there are so many things that have happened to my body already. I weigh a bunch which I don't care about but it is so different. I have also weighed less than a certain number and never over and here I am over. Nothing fits. I get tired so easily. I have body parts that have completely changed from their original shape. Everything is different and after baby comes my body will change even more. For 23 years, I have had the same body, with minute changes but I could still wear things I had since age 12. Crazy. I am also in super nesting mode and anything that could threaten time with my baby, I am like this needs to get done ASAP!!!!!

[daydialogue]

Diaper Dialogue

Today is day 5 of wearing a diaper, xoxo. My girl and I are twinning, we wearing diapers (because gorgeous gorgeous girls are wearing diapers in 2023), we both cry and get cranky when hungry & as of late we both have pooped ourselves and needed help cleaning up. On August 02, 2023 (Same day Snoh Aalegra released 'Sweet Tea' bcs clearly she knew I was going to give birth on that day) I gave birth to a child (I thought a cat was going to come out tbh) and I had her in my living room anchored to nothing but the Lord and my husband. I pooped and pushed and after 30 minutes from the initial push, there was a sweet little baby in my arms. That is also the last time I pooped and I am terrified of the next one but hey, we made it this far, let's just hope it's diarrhoea :). Labour was intense and so beautiful. I did not have a negative experience as my husband and I laboured how we wanted. I did not believe my body could do all that no drugs, even if I had drugs I still wouldn't believe. My body literally pushed my baby all the way down to where she needed to be and said "your turn" like it didn't already just beat me up ahaha kidding it was an amazing experience. We had the string lights on, streamers up, balloons on the floor, a "happy birthday" banner and "happy birthday" crowns. It was a phenomenal experience and I felt seen and heard by God. He gave me the strength to safely birth my baby, and he kept me safe throughout. He put people in my life who have loved and supported me throughout. I have to take breaks from my phone because I really want to soak in my sweet tea. I really just want to be able to fully be present as her mama and to soak everything in with my husband. We are parents now, we made each other parents and our relationship is completely different and I am so excited to see what happens next. Thank you God for everything and all that happened up until that point and what will happen after. Also I met my husband two years ago today & all I have to say is, dating aint married and what is yours will never be in jeopardy of not being yours because some things are simply God given. Also rebuke sin wherever you see it in the body, I would rather be disliked than see anyone perish. Love ya, bye <3

[daydialogue]

life is tough sometimes & in those moments what comforts me is to make a gratitude list. i’m grateful that my baby is healthy & moving everyday. I am grateful to have a home, food to eat, cleaning supplies to clean my home. I’m grateful for the company of my cats on lonely nights. I’m grateful that my husband is alive and well, i’m grateful that he has a job. i am grateful that i haven’t had any pregnancy complications. i love you God, there’s so much to be grateful for but i cannot list all of those things right now because um too much.

[daydialogue]

super excited to give birth, trying to stay as educated as i can be without fixating on birthing horror stories people feel so inclined to share. i know it’s a bonding moment but maybe we can bond after the baby is out & i’m not filled with anxiety about the birth. i’m having a home birth & the scariest thing so far are certain requirements like you have to be >37 weeks or to the hospital you go, or my iron levels have to be 9.8 minimum but preferably >11 or to the hospital you go. two things i am currently worried about bcs my iron is 9.0 currently even with taking supplements & my body does this thing where it does whatever it wants whenever it wants. so not too worrisome, i just haven’t packed an emergency hospital bag so :) there’s that. i also don’t like hospitals & i feel like it’d be a safer space in my living room with my cats & my husband only & not some random doctor & nurses. anywho, let’s get these iron levs up & legs crossed for this baby to stay in, xoxo

[daydialogue]

why don’t we realise our worth until we’re in a situation where we are forced to realise it. sometimes it’s heartache, sometimes it’s someone loving us & us not knowing how to accept it & not self sabotage to protect ourselves. God blessed me with the best life partner ever and i am very sensitive to people who are not intentional, people who don’t take others seriously & people who just don’t know what they want. i’m here to tell you after almost exhausting myself by throwing my love at anyone and everyone, especially those who didn’t want it & instead of stating that, abused it…. there’s so much more out there, be open to the possibility of true love whether that be with God or with another person on earth. I sure did have to fall in love with God first and know that no matter how stupid i can be sometimes, He loves me unconditionally & He would want me to enjoy the sweet things in life, like my beautiful husband, and my baby otw (still cooking). i have such sweet friends & i know there are a few people i have not met that will become apart of my village <3 there is hope & sometimes we see the red flags & want to give the benefit of the doubt or maybe we think we can’t do any better than the current situation but :( not true. not everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt & nobody should treat you like you are less than what you know you truly desire💐 (i desired someone who would fight for me even when i was the one putting up the fight & I was blessed with a patient man who fights for me as i heal and is so gentle with me even when i’m intolerable)

[daydialogue]

i am knocked

hello no one bcs nobody comes on here lol, i am pregnant & my husband and i are so excited to welcome our baby in as little as 2-4 weeks… helppppp that’s crazy but we’re doing it & honestly i can feel the forgiveness diva coming to the surface bcs i sure was harbouring some hate in my heart towards those folk that did not support my relationship but called themselves my friends but just like people are weeded out of walking with Jesus, people are weeded out of your life and i forgive them bcs surely they were not obligated to support me, right? but i hope that my baby knows that they’ll always be supported by their family & i hope God continues to bless our sweet little family… if anyone does see this crazy post, here’s our baby registry :)))

[daydialogue]

Life in the Now

It is difficult to process things that make no sense. It is difficult to process the hate in the world, it is difficult to process the love between people and it is especially difficult to process what our hearts are feeling. It is difficult to process a break up, because you either are curious about what went wrong, why it went wrong and how it could have gone wrong. But to question that, I would also have to question God (& that is not the vibe). It is difficult to process murder and wrongful death, because we will never know what brought someone to kill someone and we try to understand the wrongful termination of a life, but these are very difficult things to process. I know especially for me, I feel a lot and in the moment while I am feeling everything (and then some), I cannot process anything. All I can do is be in the moment and keep swimming. It is similar to that feeling when you are angry and nothing logical can come from you except something you may regret saying/ doing. Yeah, I am feeling a bit of everything and my feelings are constantly changing and the minute I think I can fully grasp what I am thinking and feeling, something else happens and I start feeling something entirely different. What really helps me through all that is knowing that “Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever” (Hebrews 13:8 NIV). This grounds me because in a world where I have absolutely no control of what will happen next, my feelings are constantly changing, I am constantly changing, the world is constantly changing, God is constant and I am secure in Him. In a world where justice is flawed, I am reminded that God’s judgement is based on truth. What is the truth? My truth is that I am loved by God and made in His image and if God is clearly not inferior to anyone then neither am I. My truth is God’s truth and how He feels about me and how deeply He loves me. For a long time I struggled with feelings of inferiority, never being enough, always lacking something and I was always focused on the opinions of others and all the things that really did not matter and the world surely did not make it any easier in how I viewed myself. I find comfort in knowing that He loves me, He will always care for me and He will always be there for me. Everything else remains futile. His peace transcends all understanding (Phillipians 4:7) and believe me, I do not understand anything that is happening around me and I do not understand anything that I am feeling. However, I will not stray from the love of God because through my mourning and grieving process, He comforts me (Matthew 5:6 NIV). God feels our pain with us and suffers with us when we are suffering. He feels things more intimately and deeply than we do because of His unconditional love for us. “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in Spirit (Psalm 34:18 NIV), “For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are..” (Hebrews 4:15 NIV). A world filled with love and nothing but love in my eyes would be ideal, but things are not so simple and our world is filled with a lot of hate and division. In a span of 3-4 months, there have been several black murders that have occurred. Either by the police or by citizens and I was sad for a long time before I really started reaching out and standing up for what is right. 

Below are a few resources which may give some insight into how you can help be a part of this movement for justice. 

Breonna Taylor:

https://www.change.org/p/andy-beshear-justice-for-breonna-taylor

https://www.standwithbre.com/

https://actionnetwork.org/petitions/justice-for-breonna-taylor

Ahmaud Arbery:

https://www.change.org/p/liberty-county-distric-attorney-justice-for-ahmaud-arbery

https://www.runwithmaud.com/

George Floyd 

https://www.change.org/p/mayor-jacob-frey-justice-for-george-floyd

https://www.tinyurl.com/emailforfloyd

https://www.justiceforbigfloyd.com/

https://www.gofundme.com/f/georgefloyd

Sean Reed 

https://www.change.org/p/mayor-joe-hogsett-justice-for-sean-reed

Other Black Lives Matter Resources and ways to help: 

https://blacklivesmatter.com/

https://www.email2act.com/

https://www.change.org/

https://www.blackvisionsmn.org/

https://www.reclaimtheblock.org/home

https://www.naacpldf.org/

https://action.aclu.org/give/now

https://www.communityjusticeexchange.org/nbfn-directory

https://bailfunds.github.io/

https://www.nlg-npap.org/donate/

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1agMod4sN09hCicb8xO8qP8VxA_fwhM3eUhx3i_cYBU0/mobilebasic (This 301 ways to support BLM)

“A new commandment I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.” John 13:35 NIV

“Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone” Romans 12:17 NIV

“Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written:”It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord.” Romans 12:19 NIV

“Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.” Romans 12:21 NIV

“Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.” 1 Corinthians 13:6 NIV

[daydialogue]

StoryTime: How We Met

I always thought I was a happy person, I always believed that whenever I was mean to others it was just who I was. I did not think I was hurting anyone, because I did not think I, myself, was hurting. I would hurt people at school, both physically and mentally. Things didn’t change when I started high school. I would get in trouble everyday, it was my routine. My mother would always be disappointed and I didn’t know how to stop. I did not know how to stop seeking the attention I so desperately wanted. I was a very impulsive person and I would do anything that would give me a rush. I was lost, and I allowed my pain to manifest into the lives of those around me. These feelings of unworthiness did not get better after being sexually assaulted by one of my closest friends. It only added to my lack of self worth. These feelings brought up prior molestation encounters that I tried so hard to forget about. I deemed myself as broken. I wanted others to love me in the way I couldn’t love myself. I overextended myself so that I would receive even an ounce of love from others. I was always exhausted and I blamed myself for all that had happened to me and all things I did to hurt others in retaliation. And even with all the friends I had, I still lacked something great. I lacked God, I lacked His love and His mercy. The first time I went to church in what must have been forever, the sermon was about “The Lost Son” and there I was in a church where I barely knew one person tearing up. I felt like God had finally brought me home. I remember bawling my eyes out late at night because I had realized God was always there, he always loved me when I didn’t love him and when I didn’t love myself. God made me know I was never too far gone, He made it known to me that I had hope for redemption. The love I so desperately wanted wasn't that of the boys I gave all my time to, who didn’t love me back or my friends who didn't care about me. The love I was desperate for was that of God. It took me studying the bible and learning more about God’s heart to realise that I didn’t love Him as I claimed and proclaimed to others. I wasn’t giving Him all that he deserved, I wasn’t even giving Him an eighth of the attention I was giving to everyone and everything else in my life. It took me evaluating my entire life to deduce that how I was living wasn’t pleasing to God, I was selfish, impure, hateful, prideful, and broken and He loved me! He loved me as I was and I try to be better because He loves me. It’s because he loves me why I repent as often as I do, it’s because he loves me why I hate sin, it’s because God loves me why I have devoted my life to Him and made Jesus Christ the Lord of my life. I had to move him from the back burner and make Him the priority of my life to see all I needed to do to be closer to Him. I had to change the behaviours I was so used to doing in order to truly be happy. I strongly believe God rescued me from myself, because everything I was doing would hurt and would always leave me more broken than I ever was. God rescued me from my trauma and my impulsive self-destructive retaliations to all that I had been through. He became the light of my life. The God that gave up His son to die so that I could live. The God that deemed me so worthy and wanted a relationship with me so much that He sacrificed His only son for me. The God that taught me to forgive those who hurt me by forgiving me of my sins. The God that rescued me on November 10, 2019 is the only love and redeemer of my life.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”

‭‭Matthew‬ ‭11:28‬ ‭NIV‬‬

[daydialogue]

How do you feel today?

There is no handbook for trauma, there is nothing to tell you “Hey, you are traumatised” which leaves the majority of us wandering the world as if all is fine within us. I did not consider myself someone who could be traumatised because I had not gone to war nor had I been in any situation like in the movies that led others to have PTSD. I had not experienced anything that I thought was grave, yet, I had PTSD. I mentioned in the previous post a few things I considered impactful in my life. It has been a month since I have been seeing a therapist and I can confidently say, the girl in my last post is definitely fading. The deeper I am willing to go, the better I feel. The more I run, the more things I am burdened with carrying. I feel much more at ease, my mind feels less cluttered. My cluttered mind led to me being easily irritated, I am now doing better in that regard. Giving all the things going on in my head to my therapist and most importantly to God has been the key thing that has kept me afloat this past month. I was terrified of men and going to therapy made me realise that life sucks and things will happen exactly the way that they are supposed to happen. Living in fear that men will once again fail me allows me to focus too much of my energy on things that I cannot control. Whether something happens or not, we have to trust and believe that God will always be there to help us through it all. I feared the horrors that men could have done to me to hurt me even more than I feared God. All the crying, writing of forgiveness letters, weekly goals, confessions, therapeutic assignments, prayers, active listening, silence, and the vulnerability it takes to have effective therapy has been worth it. After my sessions, I always end up feeling drained but I never felt alone because God has never left my side. Being in therapy, things I believed were long gone resurfaced and it felt as though they had just occurred. I grieved for my grandmother’s death even though she died 13 years ago. I was deeply saddened by the abrupt end to my study abroad program in Italy. I was faced with the fact that deep in my heart I was terrified of men and I believed that I had great disdain for them. Today, that fear has subsided. I now fear God more than I fear the actions of anyone. I am coming to terms with accepting and giving the appropriate love to men. I am now aware that the selfish actions of others in the past no longer plays a part in my future actions and who I am as a person. I don’t think every man I come in contact with is a predator ready to prey on my fears due to my tainted past. I am now aware that the only way to get over things is to go through them. This is just the beginning of my journey to a healthy mind. A healthy mind starts with a healthy grind. This is not a “Woo! No more therapy because I am fixed” post, but simply an update after a month of hard work. It begins with you.

“For I am about to fall, and my pain is ever with me.” Psalms‬ ‭38:17‬ ‭NIV‬‬

“Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” Matthew‬ ‭5:4‬ ‭NIV‬‬

“Be merciful to me, Lord, for I am in distress; my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and body with grief.” Psalms‬ ‭31:9‬ ‭NIV

“The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” ‭‭Psalms‬ ‭34:17-18‬ ‭NIV‬

“Now may the Lord of peace himself give you peace at all times and in every way. The Lord be with all of you.” ‭‭2 Thessalonians‬ ‭3:16‬ ‭NIV‬‬

[daydialogue]

What Brings You Here?

I did not realize how my step father beating on my mother added to my box. I could not quite grasp how my father’s lies and constant betrayal added to my box. I did not want to believe that I had been sexually assaulted by men who were supposed to be my protectors. I had not imagined how the sexual glares and stares from men who could be my father and grandfather would greatly increase the contents in my box. I would have never thought that I carried around a box filled with trauma because of men. I had no idea how men traumatized and terrified me. On the outside it would seem as if I hated men and I believed they were no good but I was in fact afraid that they would make my box even heavier. I was so unconsciously scared of men that I did every and anything to not be associated with them. I would call them out on their foolish ways because I now had the power to defend myself, I never allowed them to disrespect me whether it was jokingly or not as they had done before in the past, I would not let them breathe anything of peace. Constantly challenging them and taunting them because my fears were always present. I was terrified of a man once again being in control and abusing that power, I was afraid to even be vulnerable because I knew the violation and exploitation that would eventually follow. I claimed homosexuality because I knew I was safe, I was safe from men, I was safe from my most prominent trigger. I knew a woman would not evoke the disdain, hatred and terror that men had instilled within me. I knew that even if she were to hurt me I would recover but if a man were to hurt me, it would just add more weight to my box. The box I struggled to carry my entire life. The box that always reminded me why I shouldn’t allow men to have a significant place in my life because they didn’t deserve it. The box that reminded me to always be defensive even if they only uttered a “hello”. I was in such distress because of these men, that I had not realized how I had projected my fear onto them and myself. I was always in survival mode, I was never under any direct threats yet I would always develop defense mechanisms that protected me from these men. I had not known how deeply rooted these fears were. I had not realized how each time I was approached in a romantic context, my first instinct was to either curl up and cry or become nauseous. Crying and shaking while showering after interacting with men, having flashbacks weeks after as my body ran cold and my heart raced, not because I was gay but because I was mortified by the actions of the men in my life. I found comfort in knowing that marriage with a man was never in the deck of cards I was dealt, and this led to my theory that a wife would allow me to forget how broken the opposite gender made me feel. I turned my agony into disinterest and hatred for an entire gender. I believe men have failed me. I had not come to terms with how small they made me feel and how much more amazing I was than what they believed me to be. That little girl filled with love and hope was ruined and became someone so unrecognizable. I’m not quite sure how I’ll even recover from something so grave and painful but I know I will because I now know how powerful God is and how greatly he cares for me. I pray that God will give me the strength to overcome all battles and that he will shine a divine light onto my life so that it may reflect on those who surround me. The strength and love you desire to overcome and forgive is within you, even if the thing you need to overcome and forgive is yourself. 

“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”

‭‭Deuteronomy‬ ‭31:6‬,8 NIV‬‬

[daydialogue]

Faith

While living in Jamaica it was very easy to keep my faith as I always praised the Lord in the mornings before school began and after when school ended. This was routine. God was routine. It was not until I moved to the United States where my faith was greatly tested. I always thought that maybe if I loved people recklessly and with all of me then they would love me back just even a little bit. I was always satisfied with this mediocre, “I love you because you seem to love me” kind of love and I can truly say a lot of people do not love me. Majority of the people that claim they love me now, if I had not said that I had loved them then they would have never uttered those words nor would they love me. These people whom I would chase after their love, would not have given me two minutes of their time if my efforts were not so intense. I would give others my all and end up falling short because the people I would refer to as my loved ones would not reciprocate said energy. It would devastate me whenever I would realize this, and I knew I was searching for something much deeper and bigger than anything I could ever imagine. I searched for it within myself and filled the void I was trying to fill but I was never truly fulfilled. I was lost and a tad confused because what I had known as love was beginning to fade. I was not suffering anymore, and I knew I was happy but there was something missing. It was not until I met my church when I realized, my loss of faith was what really troubled me. I was giving the love I was supposed to be giving to God to people undeserving of me and my time. I was busy looking for love in people who did not even love themselves. How can I expect someone who does not love himself to love me? I had someone who loved me unconditionally and was waiting for me to come home. God was willing to forgive me of all the things I had done to be accepted into a society where I was unloved and a society that had brought nothing substantial to the person I was meant to be. I was finally aware of the only constant person and love in my life and it was God. He has always been there for me through it all, He gave me the strength to overcome all that challenged me. I then asked myself if anyone would be willing to love and forgive, demonstrate patience and understanding as He always does, and my faith began to grow even stronger. I compared my life without God and my life with Him and I was much more happier praising Him than I was praising the idea of Him whilst rejoicing in things that did not serve me. He would never leave nor forsake me, so forgive me when I say I will put Him before all and if that makes me that weird Christian girl, then I am that weird Christian girl. Amen.

“Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God.”

‭‭Romans‬ ‭5:1-2‬ ‭NIV‬‬

[daydialogue]

Letter To Self

You have seen your mother, and the woman who gave birth to you, the woman who raised you, beaten to a pulp. You have seen a man so angry, his only emotions involved anger. You had to quickly take the role of your mother’s protector though you were very afraid as well. Your grandmother, your best friend, died shortly before your childhood began deteriorating. Oh how you loved that woman, you two were inseparable, then she gets cancer, suffers, then dies. Your last memory of her was seeing her throwing up whilst being unresponsive. This was the day before she died, the day before she was reunited with her husband, she was your first love, the one who loved you unconditionally. Your grandfather passed away three years prior, and though you were four, you are aware of the love you felt for that man and you remember how much he adored you. Your step father hit your mother for the very first time at age 5. After the death of your grandmother, your mother and you moved in with him. He referred to this as ‘our’ home, however, whenever times were rough, it was ‘his’ house. You remember the first time your home became just a house. You thought they were having sex, doing the things adults do in their homes. Your mother came out of the room with a swollen face and you could not recognise her. Your heart fell. Her eyes were swollen shut and at age 8, you were unaware of how to take this sight of your mother. The woman who you looked up to, was in pain. I cannot imagine how much pain the both of you must have been going through. I cannot imagine how much pain she must have been going through. You were scared but I can’t imagine how terrified she was. This was when your childhood became unbearable. It kept happening and she kept staying. Your anxiety was so high, you would get sick so often. This man’s anger made everything and everyone in that house rotten. We were ruined. Having to protect your mother because her man cheated and she found out was horrifying. Her screaming “Dayna don’t leave” whilst showering alone because she was terrified broke your heart. Because you know if you had left she would probably have been beaten to death. You two were trapped. You were both very scared. Countless nights staying awake to prevent him from hurting her became your norm. You were used to it. You were always on high alert, awaiting another lash out. When we finally left, she received her last beating. You were at school and seeing her face pained you. He had done it again, though we got out. We were a broken family. This relationship lasted 11 years, you guys were tormented for 11 years. This suffering brought you guys closer. She was your angel and you were her rock. You survived, you emerged from this toxicity that was suffocating you. Your mother was now safe. You both were now safe. You put a lot of walls up: being mean, talking a lot, and making people laugh, drinking, smoking and becoming as cold as the person who hurt you. You were angry and terrified. You are safe now, I promise you. Never stop loving and accepting the love you deserve. You were raised in toxic environments but you do not need this in your life. 

[daydialogue]

Forgiveness

I forgive myself for accepting love that was less than what I deserved. I forgive myself for hurting all the people I have hurt. I forgive myself for thinking and speaking negative thoughts. I forgive myself for being selfish and ungrateful. I forgive myself for disliking others and treating anyone as less than they deserve to be treated. I forgive me for anything that might have been harmful in any way to me or anyone around me. Forgiveness is an act which frees you, it almost has little to nothing to do with the other person. Forgiveness allows you to become liberated and in touch with your inner peace. I have been wronged by copious amounts of people and I have also wronged others. Forgiveness isn’t something done to please someone else. The ability to forgive requires great strength especially if the person you are trying to forgive is not and never will be sorry. I can’t imagine living a life in which all I had was hate in my heart towards something and someone that was beyond my control. The actions of others in no way reflects on you and your character. I repressed a lot of anger and sadness as a child and it wasn’t until I was forced to face my trauma that I realized the root of my pain. I had to forgive myself first before i could ever forgive another. I forgave myself for thinking I was the cause of my pain and anger. I forgave myself for allowing my pain and internal suffering to manifest into my loved ones’ lives. I forgave myself for allowing this hurt to control me and upon forgiving myself I learned how to forgive others. I learned how to forgive others not only for their peace of mind but to restore my love and inner peace. I forgave others, and myself so God could forgive me. I forgave others because I remembered how I once needed the forgiveness from those whom I had hurt. I forgave others because as flawed as we all are, we are all we have. Forgiveness brought me to a place of happiness. Forgiving, especially those who will never be sorry, gave me the strength I needed to pull myself out of my mental rut. I am a better person for it and my ability to love has grown. Forgive for you, not anyone else. To love is to forgive and to forgive is to be free of all burden of hate, resentment, and internal suffering.

“Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”

‭‭Ephesians‬ ‭4:31-32‬ ‭NIV‬‬

[daydialogue]

Father

They say a father is a daughter’s first love, they say he teaches his daughter the love and respect she deserves and teaches her to love him first and their s/o with personalities similar to his. My first father was my step father who was a very angry man who made a lot of mistakes. I loved him regardless because he was my father. I loved this dysfunctional, emotionally detached, angry, mentally unstable man. He taught me how to love, and he taught me how to love when things are bought for me, he taught me how to love someone that causes pain to others. He taught me how to love him. My biological father taught me how to love on a financial basis. I remember saying “My daddy treats me good, he buys me everything I want” and “My stepfather is a good man, he buys anything I want and gives me money whenever I ask”. It’s sad this was what I was taught to love, it’s sad that my definition of love growing up was who can buy you the most stuff. It’s sad that I never had a real emotional connection to either of these men because they weren’t capable. I have learned how to love the mentally unaware and the mentally unstable. These were my parents, though none of them will ever be sorry for all that they’ve done, I have forgiven them and I will love them until the day I die. I will love them regardless of their dysfunctional lifestyle. They taught me the personalities and traits to steer away from, they taught me to love the dysfunctional but from a distance. They taught me to forgive those who cannot even forgive themselves. They have indirectly taught me many things and I choose to learn from these interactions instead of disliking others who clearly dislike and don’t understand themselves. These are my fathers, these are the broken patriarchs who tried to raise me. These are also regular people, who go through all that they go through and due to their disbelief in mental health and their ignorance in self awareness are alone. These are lost boys who weren’t raised sufficiently and weren’t taught how to love without the presence of gifts and material life. We need to try to look at our parents as people and not just our parents. Maybe our purpose was to teach them how to love themselves how we love them. Forgive your parents, forgive them for their weaknesses and their hurt that they projected on you. Forgive their mistakes made while parenting, the hurt they have caused us was not intentional. Hurt children become hurt adults. Forgive them for allowing their pain to manifest into yours.

“Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you.”

‭‭Exodus‬ ‭20:12‬ ‭NIV‬‬