ddarwen

[ddarwen]

Growing up with my mum and seeing her how she would always reach out her hand to a fellow Muslimah to give Salam, in the many years even before she passed, I have done so myself - sometimes extending my hand (don’t really do much of this after I’ve been told off a couple of times due to COVID) for Salam but mostly a nod, a smile or just giving Salam to any Muslim and/or Muslimah I meet. Actually I do this to even non-Muslims. And now that mum has gone, this little gesture makes me think of her all the time and somehow also knowing she is with me.

However, today it wasn’t the thought of her that came to mind but instead it was the thought of one of my late uncles. I suddenly heard his voice telling me how I have always been the first one to ask him how he is with a smile every time we met back then. And he would tell me this every time, with that joy, and perhaps pride, in his voice of my greetings to him. Al-fatehah.

[ddarwen]

Heart has chosen

The heart has chosen you

It aches for you when you are not near

How can it be told

That it has to bear this distance from you.

Do you not know

How the heart has chosen you?

How it yearns for you?

How it screams out your name in this silence, this distance?

The heart has met others

Compared you to others

But yet, even knowing it can’t have you

It still chooses you.

In this silence

The heart beats your name

Knowing that no other

Would make it feel the same.

- Fidz

The heart has chosen you —

It aches when you’re not near.

How can it be made to bear

A love that can’t draw near?

Do you not feel it call your name,

Across this endless space?

It yearns for you in silence,

In every breath, your face.

The heart has met the world,

Compared, yet turned away —

For though it knows it can’t have you,

It still chooses you each day.

And in the hush of distance,

It beats your name alone,

For no one else could stir its pulse

The way you have known.

- Fidz

[ddarwen]

[ddarwen]

A Joke Without Laughter (edited version)

Never had I thought the day would come When you'd waltz back into my life again. I thought I knew what I wanted, So I chose to move on. Did i move too soon? It wasn't something to swoon- Yet here you are again, After a few moons. I told myself it was alright, That I'd pray and trust in Him, Yet fate, it seems, has played its trick- A test placed deep within. "What do you want?" He asks. Oh God, it's you whom I trust. Yet here I stand in quiet war, A heart that aches unjust. A man I love, yet cannot claim, A man I care for still - But will he be here when I fall? Or simply fade at will? A joke in hand, knowing it would come, The punchline lands, I stand so still. Yet laughter never finds its way - Just emptiness to fill. -Fidz

[ddarwen]

The Joke

Never had I thought the day would come Where you'd waltz back into my life again Thinking that I know what I want I decided to move on Did I decide to soon It wasn't something to swoon But you returned again After a few moons I told myself That it was alright I'll pray to Him Trust in Him to make it right A joke He must think it is For a test he put within What do you want, he asks Oh God, it's you whom I trust A situation I've put myself in Knowing this is not me Feeling stupid as I feel the pain Oh God, don't let this be A man I love Whom I cannot call mine A man I care I'm not sure if he'll even be there A joke in hand Knowing it would come The punchline has landed And now I feel numb A joke I cannot laugh Lacking the humour I cannot feel Once again I'm torn in half Will I ever heal? -Fidz *written on 4 May 2025

[ddarwen]

Counting Once More

I used to count the day we since last met, Marking time in quiet pain, Each sunset traces in faded steps, Each sunrise whispering your name I used to count the hours since we spoke Filling silence with the past, Till time erased the numbers whole, And I stopped counting - at last. Yet now you return, and once again, I find myself keeping score, Tracing moments, breath by breath, Will they last - this time - once more? -Fidz

[ddarwen]

Days Count

I used to count down the days we last met, I used to count down to the days we last spoke. Then I lost count of all of these days And I stopped counting it so. Knowing there is no point counting. And then you came back and I try to count again The moments we spend Will it last this time more than it did then? -Fidz *written 29 April 2025

[ddarwen]

The Ache

I miss you. Miss your voice. Miss your smile.

Miss the way you scoop me in your arms.

Miss the kisses. Miss the talks. Miss the texts.

Miss the dates. Miss the laughter and the giggles.

Miss your eyes. Miss praying together. (Though I see you all the time when I pray.)

Miss the closeness.

I don’t miss this draft between us.

Don’t miss this drift.

Don’t miss this change that seems to charge the air with.

With all these,

I can’t seem to stop thinking of you.

Or even stop wanting you.

In spite of trying to pull myself away from you.

- Fidz

[ddarwen]

Back Again

Finding myself being back

Back to being defensive

Back to putting bricks

To the wall that I’ve stopped putting up.

Things seemed so much calmer

When it was just you and I

Perhaps it was just a phase

Before reality hits the face

I knew what I was getting myself into

You didn’t have to point it out

I was ready to face it at my own terms

And now knowing it’s just the shell you really wanted

Suddenly I felt betrayed

Suddenly the world seems to be crashing down

Did I put it all in

Only to end up with a frown?

- Fidz

[ddarwen]

My Hell

The problem with me is that I am always considering how people would feel

Am always considering not to hurt them

And by doing so, I say the wrong things instead, hurting them nonetheless

That would leave me on the receiving end of betrayal, anger, and an engaged tone to indicate I’ve been hung up on or radio silence

Yet, for them, it’s ok to push the blame to me

Saying how it was me who planted the seed in their head

And not see my rational of flying across the continent for a wild goose chase

And leaving them there to sort things out is a good idea

Yet, for them, it’s ok to shout when they didn’t hear or listen intently and then interpret things differently in their head

And then pull back with not a single reply or text to a greeting

And say how miscommunication is a white elephant in the room

And how it’s always you or me but never us

Yet, for them, it’s ok for them to want to invade a sanctuary which I call mine,

To suit their needs without thinking of the consequences that I would face because of their desperate need to runaway

And hanging up the call just because I needed to think it all

And not accommodate their reasons of me getting on with my life

Yet, for me, all these plays in my mind

The deed, the words and the re-action

Re-playing the situation and possible ways that it could turn, be it positive or negative

The guilt sometimes washes over me with feelings so overwhelming

That it slowly devours me int a dark hell

Conflicting with my heart and my thoughts

Blaming myself, playing with countless what-ifs

And it would be days later where I would emerge seemingly strong

From this dark hole in the mine

Until another round of thoughts creeps along

But for everyone else, their lives just moves on as if they did nothing wrong

- Fidz

[ddarwen]

The Union

Unplanned dressed in blue

Today is the day I married you

Roses you brought

That says I love you

Prayers you made

Before you sat down

Nervous and shy

You held my hand

Encouragement and strength given

Recitations made and you accept

Forehead kisses and tight hugs with no hold barred

Deal of our love was sealed right there

Our first prayer we did together

A memory etch to last forever

No regrets, just pure joy

For now we are one, such blissful joy!

-Fidz

[ddarwen]

Red Flags, Green Flags

Red flag Doesn't have a stable job Went through multiple marriages Not looking for commitment Blames on communication Confuses Their words or the highway Green flag Calm when confronted by others Great discussions especially travel related Good listener - is it so? Attentive too Shows concerns and cares Asked for consent Red flag Attached with commitments Secondary...no wait...not even so Hides from the world Confuses Green flag Puts in the effort Persistent to the max Gentle and kind Patient and thoughtful Let's add strong willed too Standing ovations for this Red flag Strong and emotional Overthinks on the little things Spirals down a hole and dwells on it for a bit Gives too much Green flag Determined to an extend Loyal to the core - to those that matter Loves and cares hard We all have red flags and green flags Many we choose to ignore Often realising it too late But here's the thing What matters is the choices we make To work it out together The red and the green It's part of life that we should learn to not regret when things don't go well Or even shirk away from So when people tell you to look out for red flags, Retort back by asking whose red flags are we looking at? Theirs or ours? For we choose whom we want to be with For what the heart desires Regardless of the flags Either way, we still get hurt in the end. -Fidz

[ddarwen]

Lipoma Surgery (6 Jan 2025)

Today I went for the Lipoma surgery that was planned some time in November last year. I only told my SIL and the kids exactly a month before the surgery and not told any of the aunts about it. I was really contemplating if I should till the last moment, and I then I completely forgot about it till the evening after the surgery.

Anyway, I was to report to the clinic at 11am. SIL said she would accompany for the surgery and she swung by to pick me up at 10am since I told her that I wanted to be there by 10.30am. When I got there, I registered myself, changed and then they drew an arrow on my back to indicate where and what to remove. I jokingly say how they are just marking an X on the spot and if they can't see what to remove I have nothing to say as it was a huge lump! And the nurse said oh yes, it is huge. Then they explained the process of the surgery. 1 hour was to put me under anaesthesia and the surgery would take about 2 hours and then recover period was 2 hours after the surgery before I would be discharged if there aren't any complications. They gave instructions for my SIL to meet me after the surgery which was at another ward. I was scheduled for the 1pm surgery. At 11.45am, they wheeled me to the operation ward waiting area. I was then left I a room at about 12pm and asked me the same questions: My name, my id, what surgery am I doing and where is the lump on my back. Then they told me to wait for awhile which I told them yeah sure, I am not going any where, I am just going to lay down here and wait and they laughed and said how I was very funny. A young nurse was saying how I am so happy. I was telling her that one has to be happy in times like these. They then attached the drip on me and asked me if its's painful and what was the pain level. I just recalled how mum hated that question. One of the nurses came by and told me she wanted to remove my hair (shower cap) and I said that is not what I am removing but am removing the lump on my back and then she laughed and apologised saying it was the hair cover that she was going to remove. They removed the mask that was given to me as well when I registered in.

At 12.58pm, they rolled me into the operating theatre, got me to move over to another bed and told me how the bed is slightly smaller than the other one that I was previous one on. Then the same questions were asked to me again while they prepared for the surgery. An oxygen mask was put over me and one of the nurses told me to take deep breathes as I needed to fill my lungs with oxygen and how I was doing a good job at it. Something was injected into my hand with a drip and the next thing I knew it, the nurses was asking how I am feeling. One of them removed a tube from my mouth and I said I was feeling ok and asked if it was done and they said yes, its over. Told me to just wait and relax before they push me out to the ward. I wonder where they think I would be going!

Anyway, by the time I got to the recovery ward, it was 3.30pm. Asked me if I wanted something to drink and gave me biscuits to eat. I was feeling rather dizzy as I sat up but ate a biscuit which was so dry even when I dipped it into the milo that was given. By then, SIL came in with Subway cookies which was so much better although I only took a quarter of it and then continued to lay down. SIL and I were talking (She told me she got the SMS that surgery was done for me at 2.30pm) and she was asking if I would be ok being alone at home and I just nodded. Then the nurse started explaining on 'what to do with the drainage tube that was attached to my back and what to do with the dressing, which then my SIL turned around to me and told me, "See. Told you, you cannot be alone. You just come back to my place." And I just nodded. And then I just laid down and rested. SIL told me that S and N called my second nephew and asked if I was ready for a call and I told my SIL that will do that later. At about 4.30pm, they got me to change but I was still feeling dizzy and also they didn't allow me to leave until I peed. Apparently, being under anaesthesia, it does affect some people in peeing and so they needed to be sure that I peed before discharging me. They sent my SIL down to the pharmacy to get my medication while they told me to rest because I was still feeling dizzy. At about 5.30pm, I decided to try to pee. So the nurse helped me down the bed and walked me to the toilet and asked how I was feeling and told her that I was still dizzy so she told me that once I was done peeing to ring the bell and not walk out on my own to the bed and I did as I was told. At about 6pm, my niece came and both the nurse and niece found a wheelchair for me to be pushed down to the carpark.

Being dizzy, the flooring of the hospital was not helpful and it got me feeling worse than I was when I was in the ward. Not only was I dizzy but I also wanted to puke! We waited for my niece at the pick up area while she got the car. I told them that I wanted to sit at the back so I could lay down and did that. I dozed off a bit while in the car, nausea was gone but not the dizziness. The first thing I did when I got to SIL's place was to lay down on the bed. N text and asked if I was up for a call and we did a three-way 30mins call while my niece and K went to get dinner for us. I wanted soup from Soup Spoon. After the call, dinner arrived and we all had dinner together while watching some cooking show and talked and joked about, honestly, I can't remember right now. At 10.30pm, got a follow up call from a doctor or nurse asking me how I was feeling and I told him so he told me that if I still feel nausea to take - I cant remember the name of the medication - which K said she has it with her if I wanted it. At midnight, took Panadol and went to bed. Which wasn't easy with the tube and I was slowly feeling the soreness. I was still feeling woozy.

But alhamdulillah, the surgery went well. R texted to check in on me and Z kept tabs on me the whole time. ❤️❤️❤️

[ddarwen]

Wishful Thinking

If I tell you I love you Would you tell me that you love me too If I tell you I want you Do you want me as much as I do you?

I love how when we are next to each other And my hand slips through yours easily And fitting into your hand Like it was just meant to be so comfortably How nice it feels to rest my head on your shoulders Or even on your chest Listening to your heart beating Like waves to the shore Unlikely you'd love me like I do When I am one And you are two Wishful thinking I know there's nothing more. -Fidz *written on 30 December 2024

[ddarwen]

10 November 2024

In the silence where I sit Thoughts of you I re-visit Nothing magical With all this cold you've surrounded me with I still feel the warmth just by the mention of your name

-Fidz

[ddarwen]

Difference

Differences is all that you see And all the negative parts of me. The way I dress and the words I speak The interpretation from you and me.

Apart from these do you not see All the good there is to be The smiles, the laughter, the jokes, the banter All these matter too, won't you agree? The discussions, the plans And also that little romance Meals shared With much love and care. Do you not see The love we shared Especially in those little moments Where my soul was bared. Are the differences all that you see Surely there are similarities between you and me Down on my knees I beg you please Look at the similarities too, Albi please.

-Fidz *written on 9 November 2024

[ddarwen]

How do you tell

How do you tell someone That you love them so? But how does one know If it's really love then? It's easy to tell someone You love them When he is your brother Who has always been there It's easy to tell someone You love them When she is your sister Who lived all the way in America It's easy to tell someone You love them When she's your mother Whom you lived and taken care of all your life But how do you tell someone You love them When it's only months That you've known them How do you tell someone They feel like home When you're near them And feel safe with them even for awhile How do you tell someone That they're the lightness to your heart And their presence alone Melts all that was hard How do you tell someone That their voice alone brings a smile to your face And their smile Simply makes your world seem right in place How do you tell someone That they're the one The one person you suddenly see a future with Waking up and going through the stresses of life each day beside them How do you tell someone All these When at the same time you're so afraid That you'll lose them in the end

-Fidz *written on 17 August 2024