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[dead--diary]

Took up maladaptive daydreaming and then decided I wanted to make those daydreams a reality but.. I tried for a little.. and it just seems better to be in my daydream like I don’t think I could ever reach those levels especially in the social skills aspect.. and it sucks cause I know exactly what I want but not how to get it and I’m just not lucky or fit for anything other than living a miserable life

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I wanna run away

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I’ve been back for a bit but I thought I’d still do a proper update since I wanna start using this blog again.. kinda

Like.. It really helped me out when I was younger but it’ll probably be used rarely now since I’ve been trying to handle my mental state a little differently.

I use to vent a lot about my boyfriend at the time and to be honest rightfully so.. every fear I had came true and looking back on it now it’s so embarrassing to think about how much I let slide.

The flirting and being close to all these girls and all the people that made me feel like I was being crazy over it?

Always trust your guts and don’t let HIS FRIENDS or THE INTERNET talk you out of it..

I wasted five years of my life (MY TEENAGE YEARS) and put my own goals on the back burner for him 😬 At least I know now not to do something like that ever again??? Hopefully

Anyways

He made out with a girl who I was considering making my best friend. That shattered me pretty hard.. I had two people I thought were genuine with me and they proved they weren’t actually..

and THEN my dumbass stayed??????????????????????? The relationship was literally over but I couldn’t let it go and that ended in me getting cheated on AGAIN

With someone I found so annoying and who compulsively lied to make me a bad guy. I literally got yelled at by him and his family OVER THOSE LIES? I’m also disgusted by sex now since he slept with her AND THEN ME like the idea of her dna in me like that without my consent had me gagging.

It’s really fucking embarrassing and I’ve been trying to avoid ever talking about all that with anyone even tho the outcome of that was so hard to deal with. I revisited a lot of feeling I hadn’t felt in years and I genuinely felt like I was going crazy like there were times I felt like I was watching myself in third person? And this would go on for hours and sometimes when it stopped I would forget the stuff that I did during the time I felt like that.

I’m pretty sure I had a psychotic break at one point too but luckily that’s gone away.. although I do still feel like I’m going crazy and it’s kinda scaring me. I really just want a better life and I’m working on it I think I finally have an idea of what I want to do? But the lack of luck and motivation and FUNDS is making it really hard..

I feel like my two options are make a better life orrrr enddd-

And I really want the better life

Better life

Better friends

Better self

That’s pretty much it.. I guess

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Bold of my mom to think id have no one when she’s gone

I just wish she’d stop complaining about me and getting everyone to nag me because SHE thinks I have no plans

I do

I just have no interest in sharing it with her?? For what

Her idea of parenting me onto the right track is making fun of me or demanding I change my interests to do what SHE wants

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I wanna move far away so me killing myself wouldn’t be recognized

I just like… disappeared

But even then I feel like it would eventually reach someone?? Unless I do it out of country? Like I move there and cut off everyone I know and then—

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I should really go back to the dream diary posts I’ve had some pretty weird ones recently

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Dear Diary;

I'm not exactly suicidal anymore but I sure do hate myself

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6 Types of Childhood Abuse | psych2go (new release) 

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if my 13 year old self could see me now she’s be like i can’t believe you’re still alive

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me: sad because I’m not productive

me: not productive because I’m sad

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You can’t be fixed by dating someone nor can you fix someone by dating them. 

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Dear Diary;

Christmas causes me so much anxiety I swear

I’m always scared over how I’m suppose to react when unwrapping things or if they’ll like what I got them (If I got them anything.. I’m very broke which causes anxiety on it’s own since I don’t wanna seem selfish or like I didn’t care enough to get them a gift) 

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“holding grudges isn’t good for you” yeah well neither is people hurting me and getting away w/ it so here we are

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ideal body type for myself: corpse

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Dear Diary;

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME 

i just wanna cry so much OUT OF FRUSTRATION 

Me and my boyfriend (which seems to be a running vent on this blog) got a cat together but because of my current living situation with my mom I made an agreement with their mom and his siblings to hold her at their house for a month. Two weeks in they started getting attached and it became a problem, when me and him were hanging out with a friend he hurt my feelings over it saying its “my cat” “it stays at my house so its mine” and about how I should probably get a new cat, his family was attached and he was backing them up so hard. This hurt my feelings a lot because usually your boyfriend would be on your side or at least say something like that in a nicer way.. he literally gave me the meanest way to break news like that.. like? this cat was the start of our own family shes OUR cat and him claiming it as just his is what hurt me the most. It took me breaking down in tears in a MCDONALDS DRIVEWAY for him to start being less of a douche bag over it. He was all “I thought you should know about somethings they said and how they felt” and I’m like.. yeah... BUT YOU COULD OF DONE IT IN A WAY THAT WOULDNT HURT MY FEELINGS AND HAVE ME EMBARRASSING MYSELF. Anyways, he flipped his switch and said he’ll try talking it over with his mom or something idk main thing was he was actually going to fight for her to eventually come home with me and be OUR cat. I still felt like shit over the whole ordeal for like two days and I’m in a group chat with a group of online people that I decided to bring the situation up too because I seriously needed advice. My boyfriend said there might be a chance where we all sit down and talk it over and come to a conclusion but I’m a huge push over so even though I don’t want to give them the cat I’d probably end up saying they could have her. So, I ran the situation by my group asking them what I should do and if maybe I’m being a dick over it for taking something they got attached to.(for some reason I always end up finding a way where IM the villain) They said no the family would totally be in the wrong and to fight for the cat because after all it was agreed it would be a temporary home. So I started feeling a lot better emotionally and the situation actually never got brought up again until the one month mark hit. It was time for me to take her and I brought it up to my boyfriend multiple times to gather her stuff and take her but he’d ignore it which made me think the situation before was coming back up? So I was getting hella stressed about it and got a little more aggressive towards it? I was actually spamming him and reminding him to bring her rather than me usually “hey can you do this?” -doesnt hear back- “oh okay thats fine you didnt have to” and so the day comes and another issue comes up. Apparently, the siblings (They’re in the teens) were complaining about moving her out (even though its been a month and maybe a week or two at this point and THEY KNEW) I figured there would be a little bit of an issue since the day before he brought her over just to get use to the place first and he got a call maybe an hour in from one of them saying “when are you bringing her back” but still aggravating either way but whatever there was nothing they could do.. fast forward to the next day they got a new cat??? 

ALL THIS STRESS, HEARTACHE, AND TELLING MEEEE I NEEDED TO GET A NEW CAT THEY TAKE LESS THAN A DAY TO MOVE ON. What was the point? idk there was a lot more stuff to this and things I didnt fully explain but its whatever now I just feel like now over this they like me a bit less???? 

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dear santa for xmas this year i want to fucking die. fucking kill me old man.