deadmartyrs

[deadmartyrs]

Omg this feels like 2014 but please bear with me (if there's still anyone out there lol) I have some stuff to get off my chest as this feels like the only place I can do that online without People I Know IRL seeing:

It's been such a weird month.

My Auntie, who was only 55, passed away last month from pneumonia as a secondary complication of MS. She was one of the coolest and funniest people I knew, and she will be missed so much by everyone. She had been increasingly susceptible to infections the last year or so as her immune system was so damaged by MS, but we never thought it would happen so soon. They had to put her on end of life care on a Tuesday, and she died on the Friday morning. I am so thankful that I got to spend those few days at her bedside, chatting away to her and trying to make her as comfortable as possible, but it was just so traumatic to watch someone suffer that profoundly. I will never forget it. MS is a fucking horrible disease and you wouldn't wish it on your worst enemy.

The intensity of the grief isn't something I expected, but I have really been struggling with guilt and feeling like I didn't do enough.

Then, about a week and a half after my Auntie died, my dog died. She was 17 and a half, and her quality of life was really not great any more, but I am absolutely gutted. I didn't even get to say goodbye to her - she had a seizure and my mum had to rush her to the vet. They put her to sleep there and then. My Mum told me afterwards. I am heartbroken even though I know she had a long life. It feels like the doors of childhood are firmly shut now in a way. We got her when I was 12, and she has been my best friend in the world all that time. I will always love and miss her so much.

It maybe seems a bit dramatic, but all of this loss in such a short period of time has really thrown me off, and I feel so weird, and like I don't know what to do with myself. I had a trip booked immediately after my Auntie's funeral, so I was away for a week and then as soon as I got home, everything hit me at once.

Just FEELING IT ATM and needed to get this out so I can feel less insane hopefully!!!!!

Thanks for reading if you did :) and thanks to all of you who loved my dog and asked about her over the years xxxxxxxxx

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The Lighthouse (2019) // It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia - Mac & Dennis Move to The Suburbs (2016) 

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Caught the moon hanging out in the bird bath this morning.

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The Blonds S/S 2019

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Phantom Thread (2017) dir. Paul Thomas Anderson

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Christian Dior Spring 2015 Couture

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Details of Lady Lilith, Dante Gabriel Rossetti, 1866–1868.

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Kim Gordon @ Danceteria, New York, 18 June 1982. 

Photo by Catherine Ceresole.

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Luca Guadagnino’s house (c)

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Group of women dancing down a forest path

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The Princess Finds Horns on her Head. European Folk & Fairy Tales Joseph Jacobs New York: G.P. Putnam’s Sons, 1916.

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We noticed that many of the cemeteries are aglow with lit crosses. This is the cemetery in Vik. Winter photography in Iceland.

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A young woman lighting a cigarette as she sits on a New York park bench at night. (Photo by Three Lions/Getty Images). Circa 1957

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Vogue Italia December 2015 | Anna Cleveland, Christina Carey and Jamie Bochert by Tim Walker

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1960s make up inspiration

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Lock-ups. Zadar, Croatia. September 2017.