deansentries

[deansentries]

Hey Cas,

Sam says this might help. I don’t really think so, but... well, here I am.

It’s, uh, it’s been a rough week, that’s for sure. Everything’s still fresh even though it’s not. There’s nothing... yeah, well, that’s it really. There’s nothing.

...

You believed in him. You told me you did, everything he told you even before the kid was even born. Well, that’s my biggest nail in this coffin here. Because it’s your coffin. Because you’re not here. 

I know you needed a win. I know you wanted Jack to be that win. I know you wanted to bring one home. What I wish you knew was that it didn’t matter. I wouldn’t have cared if you won or lost, man. What I cared about was that you were still breathing. Not possessed, not lost, not in Washington; here. With Sam. And with me. 

You’d be good at all of this Jack crap, even when you would have probably told yourself you couldn’t.  You would’ve known what to do with all of this. You would’ve kept me sane, I think. You would’ve kept me a lot of things, really.

...

I sound like a sappy teenager, you realize that? This is why I don’t write. I suck at it. You’d probably write pages...

No you wouldn’t. ‘Cause that’d mean you’d be grieving, too.

...

Jack is a lot like you, you know. It’s almost annoying. He won’t get my references or do what I say. He won’t even stay in the car when I tell him to. 

Sound like someone?

...

...

Sam’s holding out hope for Mom, you know. I... you get it. You’ve always gotten it. I thought it was weird at first, but... now it’s just what we’ve done for what felt like forever. What maybe could’ve been forever.

I want you to come back. I want you to yell at me and make coffee or walk and disappear and come back, but you won’t. You won’t because your wings are burned into the ground in a way they never were when you left me before.

...

Sam said this might help. It sure did. Helped me want to punch a wall until I could feel any sort of pain.

... 

- Dean

[deansentries]

“Dean, do you journal?”

Me:

[deansentries]

October 12, 2017

Ties in with 13x01 “Lost and Found” told from Dean’s POV

(seriously) recommend watch before reading

Keep reading

[deansentries]

HELLO FOLLOWERS AND FRIENDS

Are you in Atlanta and want to help give back to those affected by Hurricane Irma?

Well this weekend we are hosting a hunger project where you can do just that and help us reach our goal of packaging

1.2 MILLION MEALS FOR HURRICANE RELIEF

Sign up to help volunteer if you can, but even if you can’t please reblog and share this post so we can help as many people as possible <3

Thanks SPN Family!

[deansentries]

Hurricane Irma update

Hey guys

So I’m gonna be going radio silent across all blogs this weekend and into next week due to conserving electricity and battery for hurricane Irma. I’m hopefully flying out but if not I might be stuck in an airport so we shall see.

To any other followers that may be affected by Irma, please stay safe and get out if you can. 

<3

~ Ana

[deansentries]

Have to shut off submit for all the blogs because I’m getting spammed, so if you want me to see something shoot me an ask to open them up for a short period of time!

[deansentries]

So help me Sam get off Cas’s blog!

Amateur Hunter still hanging tough for the time being. Dean that other hunter and the woman with the Carolina accent thank you well I saw my grandma get ripped apart she looked at me and told me i was bad luck and got her killed like i got my parents killed um I'm all alone now maybe I should step out of the Circle and Dean yes they're are newspaper articles online about you guys I'm please hug Sammy for me in case we never meet Dean you are my hero and your a great person

Stay in that damn circle or so help me I will kick your ass in the grave if it comes to that. 

Sam? Sam stop grabbin’ the keyboar––

Hey. I’m sorry about your grandma. What Dean means to say is that you just need to stay in the circle. People are coming to get you. Just make sure the symbols don’t bleed or disappear until they can.

[deansentries]

June 19, 2017...

You know, I think I’m starting to get why people like Cas and Dad wrote so much. Dad had said it was because Mom wrote a lot to remember little things or tiny details. Cas had said it’s because it helps him remember too. Well, these do help me remember I guess, but they also help me keep track of what happens what day and just how it happened. Brains screw stuff up the more we remember them anyway. That’s why pictures are a big deal, and for people like us that don’t have a lot of pictures. Well, there’s words.

Part of me wishes I kept track of this more. It’s not that I forget ‘cause it’s been a few weeks already of me doing this. I just… it’s hard to write something that’s been a routine for a while. Wake up-research-try a spell-clean up burning remains of that spell-sleep-wake up-do over.

It gets repetitive, and not even Dad wrote every day like Cas did. It’s just the life, but Cas found a way to make every one important. I just don’t have that same magic touch.

But me writing stuff down is still good, right? I still remember crap, like the two witch that nearly killed us two days ago in the beach or the fact that sand gets in places it shouldn’t even if you made sure to not get yourself covered in it. I remember writing about hunts and keeping track of lore, findings spells and how I thought they worked and how Claire sucked at driving stick. I remember all that even if I didn’t write it all down, but I guess I should write more of it down… Future me will probably thank me for it. Or Cas will know what’s been going on when he comes back…

For the record, I did think about Cas at the beach. He’d probably just stare at the sand so hard it’d turn to glass.

 - Dean

Yesterday | Tomorrow

[deansentries]

June 18, 2017...

…

It’s Father’s Day.

What do you want me to say? Dad never really cared about these kinds of days. If anything, they made him realize how much Mom wasn’t there to celebrate Father’s day. Maybe care isn’t the right word. He cared, it’s just that after a few years I realized it hurt him more than helped him to wish him a “happy” day. I don’t really remember what it was like when Mom and Dad were both alive before everything, how we did these kinds of days. I just know that after maybe your fourth or fifth attempt every year at trying to do something special for him and having it not work out the way you wanted it to make you realize some days are better left as they are. Sometimes remembering holidays makes you remember those that aren’t here to see it.

…I’m making this out to sound like today is one of the worst days here. It’s not; it really isn’t. It’s just that days are a little different for us, I guess. Dads don’t usually train you to be hunters before you even go to preschool. They’re meant to toss the ball with you or show you how to play baseball. Only time I ever got the chance to even try that was when Sam and I were with Bobby.

…

He tried to give us any idea of what a normal kid’s life was meant to be. The old man never had biological kids of his own, but that sure as hell doesn’t mean he never had any at all. The guy was a damn superman in my book, even if he never told us everything.

I remember this one time. God, I was maybe 8 or 9 or something. Dad was on a trip and had dropped us off for a few weeks at Bobby’s in the summer. He’d told Bobby to keep us sharp, have me practice shooting out back. The minute Dad was gone Bobby took me out to a local park, the exact opposite of a place I was expecting. I just remember asking him why we were here and him throwing a ball at me. He… he let me be a kid for an afternoon; kept that up for a solid good number of years until I started doing hunts solo. I don’t think Dad ever found out.

… So… I’d never say this to anyone. Ever.

Happy Father’s day. Sometimes the ones you got aren’t the ones who celebrate and sometimes the ones you have in your life are the ones you do celebrate.

Go play ball.

- Dean

Yesterday | Tomorrow

[deansentries]

June 16, 2017...

Sam found the case this time. A tourist was found with his eyes drilled out at a hotel on the beach in Florida.

You heard me. On the beach. In Florida. All the weird crap happens in Florida.

We got here quick, but it’s too late to question the sheriff or any of the hotel staff. The beach is pitch black, but the pier’s lights are on and people are walking around. The entire place is Coney Island after dark, but some of the buildings look more renovated or built upon something that’s older. It gives us a start for tomorrow.

Man… a case by the beach. I needed this.

- Dean

Yesterday | Tomorrow

[deansentries]

June 17 2017...

The sun gets up when it wants to in Florida; it sets when it wants to, too, even if that means 8 or 9 at night. I hate it.

We talked to the manager, a guy in a tuxedo that looked like we put the fear of God in him. He doesn’t want anyone looking into whatever kind of operation he’s running here, though the staff looks like they’re not being held against their will at least. Some do have a few cuts and bruises here or there, but they look like scars more than fresh cuts.

The tourist was a guy named Fred Tifter, a dad that was here on a work trip for some convention. He bit it in the hotel where his body was found without his eyes, but not before having spent the entire day out on the pool and the beach. The wife’s out in Sacramento, too far away to drive and be back in case this is our kind of weird. Sam called the wife on the phone to ask there were any hits out on Fred. No dice. Fred was “the best man you could ever know,” but apparently she and Fred just lost their daughter last year. Sam didn’t push her over the phone, but she did send him a picture of the family before their daughter died.

The people working at the hotel were easy on the eyes, too. Gave me a much easier time getting information, but before I could go anywhere else I felt the cold spots. The girl at the bar in the hotel didn’t seem to mind them. She had a few scars on her, too.

“Hotel’s old,” the girl told me, “but it’s always hot in Florida so the AC is always meant to be like that. I’ve worked here every summer since I can remember and no one’s ever asked about it.” Now, I don’t try to date women unless they’re Claire’s age, but this girl looked no more than maybe 21 at best, old enough to be a bartender, though she said that’s what she’s been for a long time.

When Sam came back after talking to the wife about Fred we went to the morgue in town to see the body. Fred saw better days, let me tell you…

Bad joke? Well, I thought it was funny.

But anyways, last time we had someone with their eyes drilled out it was Bloody Mary, so either Mary’s back for round two or it’s some other ghost in the hotel, or maybe it’s something else entirely. The manager looked scared enough about the police force to offer us a room while we stayed. I figured it was to bribe us into having a good mood for when we “report back to Washington.” Sam agreed, and a four-star hotel? It’ll help with the case, that’s for sure, and we’re not paying jack.

Sam’s on the computer in research mode. Me? I’m heading to the beach. Case or not, I’m grabbing a little R and R where I can get it. Cas would probably do the same––

Cas at the beach… Did he ever go?

- Dean

Yesterday | Tomorrow

[deansentries]

June 15, 2017...

Anonymous asked: to ana: are you taking writing ideas for dean? I think it would be really dramatic and angst (my favorite) for dean to find something of cas’s and completely break down in a post. it would def need talented writing to pull it off, and I think you’re the person. anyways, just an idea and I love your works :)

A/N: You’re request came at the most opportune time, my friend :) Been wanting to write this one for a while :)

I’ve put it off enough. Every car in the garage has been cleaned twice since everything happened, all except that junk pickup… He just showed up in it after I went to ground zero. I thought it was better than the pimpmobile he had before but… It just looks like a pile of scrap metal without someone to drive her. Sue me if I think about cars sometimes.

But like I said, I’ve put off cleaning the truck. I didn’t know what I was gonna find in there after all the damn diapers.

The back of the truck was empty after we got rid of the diapers, but the inside still had that busted up piece of leather Cas called seats. The thing needs a fresh set of just about everything, but Cas always did like to keep his cars as clean as he could given what he had. The pimpmobile never had food or dirt in it, though in fairness Cas didn’t eat and he had mojo to heal wounds back then…

The thing still looked clean even if it hasn’t been driven in a while. I thought I could just get in and give it a whirl to keep the engine up to speed and the oil from not sitting in there. Didn’t even think about what else could be in there, or what was in the cassette player.

The tracks are easy to remember, probably because I spent a solid eighteen hours transferring each one over a few years ago. Led Zeppelin was the soundtrack of my life. Still is. “Ramble On” would go into “Traveling Riverside Blues,” “What is and What Should Never Be” coming next right after. 13 tracks… All of them from times in my life, all of them meaning something that hit home with me.

… I told him to keep it. It made sense that it’s here… I remember giving him the damn thing, after he’d asked who “Agents Clapton and Page” were based off of. The amount of hours I spent trying to get the guy to see the point of Zepp’s music…

“Houses of the Holy” came on and my brain jumped back. I couldn’t stop it. Suddenly I was back in the bunker with Cas and I was trying to teach him how to use the Walkman that we still had so he could listen to the cassettes without having to be in the Impala (and so he didn’t take a joyride in Baby because he wanted to listen to the music like he’d done once before). I could hear the music from the headphones and time the beats to the lyrics in the song. “Ramble On” had been the first I showed him, but “Houses of the Holy” is when he just got real serious and tilted his head in that way he does. The first song talked about freedom, and the second talked about an angel on your shoulder, in your hand a sword of gold. He’d taken the words to heart from both songs, I guess, but next thing I know every time he asked to borrow the tape he’d listen to just listen that those two songs before any of the others. Didn’t matter that one was first and the other was in the middle of the recording. Cas just listened, and as time got on I’d find him in the bunker just listening to the whole tape after or the music playing somewhere else, always those songs first.

Wasn’t long after that I found myself without the tape more times than I had it, so I gave it to him and told him to keep it. He knew the words by heart even if he didn’t tell me. I’d caught him more than once singing them out when Sam was out and we were driving back from a case. He knew he was caught whenever I’d turn the volume down to hear him. He’d sing a few words, realized what I did, then get quiet at first. I’d laugh and then turn the music back up and that would be it. As the years went on, though, he’d keep singing and I’d just listen to that while the tape rolled. Sam would still be out and I’d feel like I was about to fall asleep myself. It felt… I dunno, “peaceful” doesn’t sound like it means everything it’s supposed to, but I used to love those moments. Made it feel like the world wasn’t out to get us for even a few minutes… The last time we did that was probably months ago now after everything that’s happened.

Never occurred to me when he got his own cars that he’d put the tape in, that he’d even keep it on him to transfer it over when he’d lost the other car. I didn’t think it’d even phase me ‘cause I listen to the songs, too, when Cas wasn’t not around, but…

The music kept playing while I was just sitting there in the truck. “Immigrant Song,” “The Song Remains the Same,” “You Shook Me,” on and on. I couldn’t move. Flashback after flashback came with each song after those two until they repeated, and then new flashbacks would start. Without realizing it I found myself mouthing the words and then turning the volume down to try to trick Cas into singing again until—

Then I’d realized what happened. Realized all the crap that happened and how those moments may never happen again.

Sam found me like that, had to get me out. Apparently, I wasn’t even responding to anything he said; just went full mute like I did when I was a kid. I really had him freaked.

…

- Dean

Yesterday | Tomorrow

[deansentries]

June 14, 2017...

I’m up to my head in papers. Jack squat. No location spell works that I’ve found, and the ones that do give anything at all just burn through until only the bunker is left. Doesn’t help when those make you think about who’s in that room… I still haven’t gone near it. Sam has, but I haven’t gone near Cas or Mom’s rooms at all. Call it whatever you want, but I’m not through with finding a way, and if that means I’ll drown in all these damn papers for the rest of my life than so be it.

Sam found this old sigil yesterday, so ancient we had to figure out the sigil’s missing parts because the pictures we did have were all muddled and decayed from the film they were taken on. Time can destroy this stuff if it’s not handled right.

But anyway, this sigil had Enochian embezzled into it as well as the symbols for death from some obscure edition of the Bible. I must’ve drawn that thing 5,000 times, each one slightly different, trying to get the thing to work. I didn’t even know what it was for until I moved an edge and made the thing a circle. Then it glowed and blew up the desk in my room. I don’t know what ended up doing ‘cause it sure as hell didn’t do what I wanted it to, but I swore I was hearing things for a few hours.

They were faint, too, like whispers. Part of me wondered if it was some sort of angel radio fed through Rosetta Stone, but I couldn’t make out just exactly what they were saying.

It went away before I could really try figuring out how to talk back.

-Dean

Yesterday | Tomorrow

[deansentries]

June 13, 2017...

I was checking our spells stock when I found them. Angel feathers. We got ‘em years ago but not without a process that took time. And a willing giver…

Cas asked me once about planes. He didn’t know what it felt like to be on one or whatever, but point is he asked about them and why it took so long to go from Point A to Point B. I’m… not the person to ask, but that didn’t seem to phase him. He was also freshly human and all, though, so I guess it was normal to ask about how to fly. You really don’t know what you got ‘till you don’t have it anymore. He’s probably said that God knows how many times.

I told him we don’t fly ‘cause it’s harder to crack a passport than it is some IDs, but then he went on about how that hasn’t stopped us in the past before. I don’t think he knew what a passport was. Actually, I don’t think he ever learned…

I still tried to get outta the question though. “We don’t fly ‘cause it’s cheaper to drive.” “We don’t fly ‘cause security’s a bitch.” “We don’t fly ‘cause it’d be harder to defend ourselves,” on and on. He didn’t buy any of them except for the weapons one, ‘cause that one he couldn’t find a way out of. I could tell he still wasn’t sure why, but let’s just say I wasn’t the champion of telling people back then about certain things.

I did tell him he could fly if he wanted. Wrong thing to say. The guy shut down for the rest of the day. Didn’t ocurr to me why until a few hours later. He had friggin wings; lost them and had them back and forth for years at that point. He knew what it felt like to fly, and I mean really fly. And he gave it up to be human. He gave it all up to be here…

Funny how these things just come outta the blue like today, how damn feathers make it all come back harder than ever.

- Dean

Yesterday | Tomorrow

[deansentries]

June 11, 2017...

We capped a few more demons on the way back. I didn’t really give them much time to talk anymore. They kept killing the poor people they possessed when we found them.

Still no help on the other front either… every damn book available and the one time you need something they don’t have the answers. Just a bunch of pages of Latin and other languages not giving me squat.

… I just need a day. Just one day.

-Dean

Yesterday | Tomorrow

[deansentries]

June 10, 2017...

Adam West died today. If you don’t know who that is then you didn’t grow up like I did but that doesn’t matter. You’ve got Affleck now, but I grew up watching reruns of this guy on TV. Movies have done a good job and all that, sure, but there’s nothing like the originals. They always stick with you.

… You know I tried to make Cas watch The Dark Knight movies once? He knew all the references now but just didn’t get them until he actually saw the damn thing. Honestly, I never did know if knowing every pop culture fun fact in the world was a blessing or not, but if Cas is any help it’s probably better to know what you know versus know what you only think you know. Look at me being philosophical.

But anyway, we were into the second one when he asked about Batman in general. He didn’t get superheroes, or why I liked Batman enough to want to make him understand the Bruce Bayne and Robin. Now, this was the time before superheroes basically became what everyone nowadays talks about, so it was a valid question I guess. I told him about superheroes were something for someone out there growing up like they were for Sammy and me as kids, but Cas still didn’t get it completely. I knew he hadn’t because the guy just nodded and said he understood when I knew he had no friggin’ clue why that meant anything beyond seeing some guys run around in tights. He got it a little more after the movies ended, but still.

…

I remember thinking these guys were heroes when I was younger, how they’d go out and kick ass and save everyone. That means something to you when you’re a kid. It sticks with you, and just like that that actor that you later realize plays that hero on TV sticks with you too. You learn about how that actor was a hero in real life too with all the things he did and all the people he helped, not to mention God knows how many kids growing up saying they’ll be Batman. You know what I mean? I feel like you do without me having to outright say it on here and have something on here that is completely not something I’d ever say out loud.

        But, guess I should say this anyway for when Cas does come back and reads through these. Maybe he’ll understand it a bit better now, come to think of it. Heroes are not just people running around in spandex; they’re the ones that show kids how to stand up for themselves in a world that constantly wants to kill them. They’re kind of like our own little escapes that we want to see ourselves as some day, and when those things transfer over like they do with actors being the literal superheroes with all they do, then all the more reason to actually… be Batman.

- Dean

Yesterday | Tomorrow

[deansentries]

June 9, 2017...

I figured they’d thought of something for Crowley not showing up or blaming it on Lucifer.

But I didn’t bank on them knowing about Mom. Or Cas. 

We’d found them out in the woods, only the demon jumped some poor kid’s bones instead of an animal this time. He looked like Claire’s age, too… We couldn’t save him. I heard that demons use this kid’s voice to tell us that we couldn’t save anyone before the it stabbed the kid in the chest.

… They knew about what happened. Not details, exactly, but they know about Lucifer’s kid and Cas’s body. That’s kind of the reason why I didn’t exactly end up writing anything when we got back. I just… I didn’t want to go through it right then. Claire needed time, even if the kid’s stronger than Sam and me combined. I could see what it did to her, seeing the boy get ganked by the demon without a second though. I’ve been there at her age. It’s never something you want a kid to see, especially one that got thrown into this life without a choice.

She says she’s leaving tomorrow first thing. Jody called anyway and asked she come back for a bit. Sam’s going to drive her up half the way at least to make sure she’s okay for a while. I thought she’d fight us, but she didn’t question it at all… She’s been near Cas’s room more and more the last few hours, too. I think it’s just now really hitting her about what happened.

…

It might just be hitting me now too, but I don’t get to figure it out all the way. I’ve got to keep my head screwed on right so we can find a way. There’s always a way; what that demon said about Cas being gone and about Mom not seeing passed Lucifer’s anger is bullshit. There’s gotta be a way… There needs to be.

- Dean

Yesterday | Tomorrow