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036 - Hip Hop Taglines, Content Era & Stories

March 2025 Going from thinking you have no future for basically your whole life to suddenly being presented with peace and the opportunity to move on, it's pretty difficult. I could never make a long-term plan because my situation would change by the time I really got started in whatever I wanted to do, whether it was because I didn't have money, people changed, things shifted. Now being presented with the opportunity to tell that story, it's weird to me. Stories have become the tag-lines of hip hop. The go-to marketing phrase that is attached to an artist's name when they're mentioned, that helps the listener decide whether or not they want to listen to the music. This has been a blooming trend for over two decades, I'd say 50 cent really honed this skill. As a kid listening to his music I'd hear the story of him getting shot 9 times so much, like others would use it as validation that this was 'real shit' we were listening too or something. It's hard for me to really tell my story in a tag-line - it's hard for a lot of artists. It's become a critical part of the piece that promotes you, that pushes you - that helps others identify with you. I believe we're in a new era currently media wise, I like to call it the 'content' era because of how quickly content/music is pushed out, and consumed by it's audience. I've only released The Long Dark two months and two weeks ago but it feels like I released it a decade ago in terms of how quickly media has evolved and grown. Stories have always been important in hip hop, obviously it's a story-telling genre. I appreciate the unfortunate fact that it's roots come from songs sung by slaves basically spoken in code, to tell stories and plant feelings that would spread. These stories were precious, carried upon by generations and then grew into blues, and other genres. It's a seed that still grows today, even if many stories are told differently. Even before 50 stories played a role in how an artist would be marketed - it just started out simple. You could just say 'I'm from Los Angeles' or something when marketing your music, then create your story in between that. The freedom for the artist to really craft their story pre-internet was unrivaled I say. I think this is why most of these artists have long-lasting staying power, the freedom and control was kept to them. The gatekeeping of those eras was kept to the story, if an artist didn't fit the bill - the story didn't stick. This I understand, what people want out of stories nowadays - I don't if I'm being honest. For most of my life even if I've sort of given up on the idea of being anything, I've always thought about my story. How it would be told if I had the chance too, how it'd look in media - I'd put myself in a celebrities shoes in whatever scandal they had even if I wasn't doing anything remotely close. Just to get an idea of how I'd feel - as I grew up the loss of control of stories just seemed to get worse. So I stopped really telling mine outside of my friends. You can't stop telling your story though. It's either you do, and that is the narrative you are able to present, or you don't and people will fill in the holes you haven't told. There is no stopping discussion and I don't think you should honestly, but you should have control of your story. How you tell it - how it's represented, how it grows. I want to bring more literature aspects into hip hop, even if I don't really want to be a writer. I still feel that hopeless feeling a lot if I'm being real, it's hard to shake a habit you've had your whole life basically. There's so many ways to tell stories, and the content era we're in is a perfect time to do so. Even if it feels like it's there to be told under a microscope sometimes.

[dearcl113]

039 - Godzilla, 2025

I beat myself up a lot, this has been the story of my life. Never stopping to smell the flowers basically because I'm too worried about the Godzilla sized monster destroying the city aka anxiety. In life you're supposed to take moments to enjoy it, but I always seem to get in the way of that. It makes it so I can never enjoy any of my accomplishments, as everything seems miniscule in the size of the monster rampaging through the countryside. I surpassed 20k plays on Ghoul in a month without any outside or paid promo, but it didn't make me feel anything because I've been too distracted. I wake up every day with a goal of managing myself, but struggle against the weight of myself, to the point where it's just easier to give up and be bitter. This bitterness has fucked me over in life many times, mostly preventing me from fully enjoying moments until those moments are gone. My last article was about this, towards the end of my living in the city I didn't see the goodness in events anymore. Every Monday I'd schedule a slot for me to play at the open mic, only to cancel it last minute or just not show up at all. I'd ask Nate if I could play, then later on cancel with him, feeling that disappointment but not recognizing I was the one getting in the way of myself. This was different from how it was when I first came to the city, finding any or all opportunities to put myself there despite the challenges logistically. I'd spend hours on the bus for a ten-minute set, travelling around the entire state basically to end up at Kennedy Plaza then walking where I need to go. Over the years I had a lot of discouraging moments, growth that seemingly only I could see while I screamed my lyrics on stage. I was surrounded by music, by different musicians - different egos, people working through their own problems and taking out their bitterness on others. People like me. I'm a firm believer in karma, what you put out into the world then comes back onto us - and because I didn't let go of my negativity that I still held from whatever trauma work that wasn't addressed, it came back to me. And I internalized it. There's always something to be mad at if you're growing and living your life. Especially if you come from trying to control your situation, working hard to get somewhere only to feel like it doesn't in the end because the ten stories tall monster is stomping on your village house. The older I get, the more futile it feels to even try to control anything. To set any goal, any guideline. The less things I realize that I can control out of life.

At the same time, criticism played such a big part of my life. Being in a community of artists, of different egos and different standpoints - being exposed to the world at large by these critics while having yourself be ignored. I get reminded of this period of my life through specific people, though this list is growing smaller. But I have to let this go. This is just a part of life. Life has never worked how I want it too. I've never been able to stop and enjoy the moment because I've always focused on the screaming Godzilla in the distance. It's made me root for the other ten stories tall monsters that could defeat it, not knowing that these things would cause just as much damage to the village. It's hard to not be bitter at life constantly, to be caught inside your own trauma. But at some point, you have to let it go. I can focus on the critics and people who seem to think how I react to Godzilla is bad, or I can get out of the way of the monster. In RI they run ads on the buses, like signs on the interior. One of them is 'The future is yours to build' for a local college, but still the message runs true. Maybe someday Godzilla will destroy my village, but in the meantime I have to live my life. I can't go about life in fear of what will, or could, happen, missing out on the moments in between. I can't manage Godzilla, I just have to learn to live with it the best I can.

[dearcl113]

039 - Old Urban Disappearing

In the mid 1900s, Providence was a much larger city. It had no central highway through it yet so it was made up of various neighborhoods, doubled in size. The riverfront was paved over in many places adding more concrete space to build on. Beginning at least in the 40s, the new interstate projects were constructed in Rhode Island, moving the main highway from what had been a traditional farming road paved for over a hundred years to something that was more direct. Up until the 1940s, most of America lived in cities and urban America defined the major pop culture of the country. In my hometown nearby cliffs and hills were blasted with dynamite to make the highway jut through the rock walls on both sides. In Providence, whole neighborhoods were condemned or erased in favor of this multi-lane highway which divided the city even further. In Providence, there has always been the rich East-side, and the poorer more urban West-end, North, and Southside. (East Providence is a separate place entirely, don't ask me why). Regardless, whole lives which had centered in these neighborhoods were now erased and many of these people moved elsewhere. Intended, or not, the highway erased a fragment of urban culture - Federal Hill shrunk dramatically in size to now only being a few blocks. The people there moved to places like Warwick, Cranston, or Johnston, and kept stories of their childhood alive through memories. But these people aged, and so did their stories - by the time their children came of age they were distant stories that held no relation to the present. America is going through a process now of erasing urban culture, what was Urban America in favor of something new. This is my personal opinion, I typically don't comment on politics much but this is a huge reason why I came back to do hip hop. Whether it's through mis-information, racism, polarization - anything, the country seems to be trying it's hardest to erase what used to be in favor of what will be or could be. I woke up one day last year and realized the life I grew up with is all but gone, the worst came to pass. The America I grew up with - diverse, different, full of exciting ideas and new things, I don't recognize it anymore. Now all I have of it are stories of what it used to be, what I relate it too - and I'm not alone in that. But it's weird, there was no direct highway being built through the America I share with everyone else - just polarization, hate, fear, anger, and violence. The more you embrace change, the more you let go of what once was - but you cannot eliminate urbanity as long as cities exist, you can't eliminate urban culture. Another thing that bothers me a lot about erasing culture is hearing that 'Black American's don't have a culture'. Black Americans moved to the same cities that White Americans left during the great migration to suburbs, filling the same spots and culture with their own unique blend. While I don't believe to be Black is to be urban, to say that Black people have no culture when urbanity still defines so much of America, I really disagree. A lot of my hometown is being knocked down currently to build copy/paste suburbs - long suburban rows in circular roads 12 feet apart from each other each with names like 'Pleasant Village' or some bullshit. Growing up I always heard from my relatives 'I remember when this was all farming land or nothing, I always thought it'd be like that'. Seeing the trees knocked down, makes me feel the same. I always thought urban culture would be there, but like the trees and the land here - if we don't protect it from being sold, it will be developed by someone else, molded into the image they wish it to be. There is no monoculture in Urban America, it's a melting pot of diverse ideas and everything else. And it should be celebrated, not pushed away with rising rents, costs, and amnesia of the greatness it once was and still could be. By remembering the past, you keep it alive.

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038 - A revolving door of clubs, understanding this song years later

I'm old enough that the clubs I grew up with, basically aren't around anymore. Clubs used to basically be where I'd go to just relax, be alone, catch my bearings after whatever I was living in the day. Where I could just be myself, just they were dive bars and other small venues that would serve $3 Narragansett (now $6) and host weekly open mics. I watched over the years as they shut down, first The Spot in 2016, then the Fat Squirrel, then Firehouse 13. I watched as Askew opened from Firehouse 13, Alchemy grow from a tiny club in what was formerly a hip hop club, and Dusk shut down a little after I left Providence. When I left the city I was so apathetic about everything, but honestly, I miss it. Not much happens where I am. Now Askew is closed, and there's really just two clubs left from that era. Alchemy and The Parlour. The song above was something that really defined an era of time for me, even if I didn't realize it at the time. I became friends with Nate, and looked up to him for how he organized Madcap Mondays. When I found the event, it was a synchronistic moment for me - as when I was younger I was really into Syd Barrett once I learned of his music. It lined up with the album 'Madcap Laughs'.

In 2015 I didn't live in the city, I still lived in Mishnock but would spend basically all of the day away from the house either working or recording at my producer's. Over the years my friends have helped me out a lot in terms of getting away from my house, but that doesn't last forever. People grow up, change their priorities and directives, things in general change. Nate told me that when he opened the open mic, it was a golden opportunity. He had started it basically a few months prior to my first appearance at the Spot. Even through my negativity, it sort of broke the tension over me - I can't relax the same at other events as I can at an open mic. It's so real, it's so raw and so human. He had moved from overseas a few years prior where he wrote a lot of the music he'd perform, as he was host to the event, and I'd hear this song a lot. It became a benchmark moment for me, when I'd hear this song I'd know I was in a 'safe' place even if I wasn't truly friends with everyone there. I didn't realize what this song was about until this year, about the journey of shadow-work and everything in between. It was simply just a good song to me, but one that always stuck with me. One day I was at the event with Nate and he talked to me about the next generation of artists, aka us, who will one day take his place. He's not around anymore, he's still alive but like me he returned to his roots I feel like. The last club that's still open from my era is one ironically, I never went too despite living right near there. They never had an open mic when I lived on the Eastside, so I never went. There's something about just having an audience to test ideas, to play music like a scientist and being free to make mistakes or grow. Where songs like this exist and play and define so much about the time period for so many people. I'd listen to Nate, bring my little journal, and just write out my feelings in what seemed like the only environment that I could fully do that with. Sure maybe it was the alcohol too, but a lot of it was this music. Music perfect for shadow work. Music is performative therapy, and sometimes I miss the little things being so caught up on the big. You never know when it'll be too late to experience something for the last time. We all build our shadow, and must work through it to become the best we are. Thanks to Nate for all his work. I really appreciate being apart of this time period.

[dearcl113]

GHOUL: A ghost story

Check out my first published album on soundcloud & bandcamp early today, released on all platforms tomorrow.

[dearcl113]

010 - Comedy, RI Hip Hop & Warraq 2007-2024

Going to jump forward to the present for today's article. Over the years as the local artists developed, they faced a lot of push-back from either people who didn't like hip hop, or thought it was ignorant to do so. It became a meme where over time people got tired of all the entertainment LLC's that went nowhere to the point where if you rapped, you were seen as a joke. Many people got tired of the attitude of local rappers - a lot of the times it seemed like they were just doing it to be cool and it seemed difficult to find a balanced relationship between fan/artist. Everybody wanted to be the best rapper and many thought downplaying others was the way to do this - eventually a lot of people got tired of it. Some of it could've been biases, while with others problems were more centered around gatekeeping whether or not they could do hip hop. Many people seemed to think that if a rapper didn't fit a certain bill, then they can't be a rapper - they still do today, you can still see these comments on local videos especially Billy's. But I don't think these people recognize how much this helps RI hip hop, even if they're trying to do the exact opposite. Over time all these things have developed into something unique in RI hip hop that I haven't seen as much elsewhere - and I can see why. The meme groups that were made fun of the most got the most attention on their music even if it was bad - they got more views, etc. They were the ones that would be posted elsewhere or have random people from out of state comment on their stuff. As the whole meme and downplaying of hip hop continued (not helped by the fact many places in RI ban hip hop events due to violence or social stigma) a lot of the artists sort of gave up on 'winning over everyone'. Especially artists from where I am from (west warwick area). Our freestyles would fluctuate between either not wanting to come across as the 'cool rapper' or pure comedy (this is why I can freestyle in a robot voice as Awkward Bot). This brings me to Warraq. It was common on local social media for local rappers to post cypher videos that they'd record at 2am, they'd all be angry and serious/mean. Sometimes they'd be disses, or subliminals to certain groups that they'd never mention but if you knew, you knew. Billy's videos are a parody of this, as I'm sure he grew up seeing these videos everywhere like I did too. I am sure people realized that the comedy and playing up the memes made them more successful, as it seems like most people from outside of RI don't realize that we're being bad sometimes on purpose. We're doing what you shouldn't do as a joke because we grew up seeing these things around us and it is funny to us. Not because it's a bad genre, but how people react to it. I do this with my adlibs which are intentionally either bad AI or jokes. We know how to make good music but when we know that we'll get glossed over for other artists from bigger places, it makes more sense to make music for fun and capitalize where we can. We want to break the mold on what's the norm because the mold is lame sometimes for the normal person. I know it's not for everyone but it's a segue way for his along with his friend's real music which is pretty decent. In a lot of ways I think Rhode Island was lucky to be so ahead of the curve on a lot of trends especially with hip hop, maybe it's because of how we're right in between Boston and New York City or however many people from those places moved here during the 2000s and onwards as rents rose across the major cities. Either way, I appreciate how Billy always find something to jump off of to start his freestyles, and the attitude of his friends, it's really dope to me honestly. In some ways it reminds me of how it was when I was younger with my friends. They filmed this just outside of Mishnock in the dunes.

To me it's obvious it's ironic sometimes, but maybe that's because I know exactly what he's referencing. I generally like Warraq and what they do, along with the real music they release that's melodic and with a lot of effort put into it. These videos that segue way to the music are still funny as hell either way.

[dearcl113]

020 - Open Mics, 2015-2016

In the fall of 2014 right before November I did my first open mic at The Spot Underground - it was a second floor club above an abandoned flat that was pretty large. It was full of art from local artists, and the bartenders often were musician themselves who played at the open mic. It quickly became my favorite place during a time when my life was pretty bad. Not long after I did my first show somewhere in West Warwick at a venue, I had a decent draw but that was a lot closer to my hometown than Providence so my draw was less up there. My first show was weird, there was a lot of hype but I didn't feel the same release I felt when I'd perform at open mics. In the spring of 2015 I started going to them regularly, I was recording the original 'I'm a ghost' and I'd perform the songs there, or older songs of mine that I did from my Rap Mixtape? project. I generally was received well, it was different from when I did my first show. Whenever I was at an open mic for along time I was in a really good mood, and I met a lot of different musicians from different genres - many of them I continued being friends with for years afterwards. It was cool seeing these different genres grow and how it'd blend with hip hop. The open mic was mostly poetry, alternative rock, folk music, and occasionally we'd have hip hop at first. The more I did it, the more other people came in - I think just word got out that hip hop was allowed there. It became my biggest and best way to promote, doing these little sets every week - the picture that I posted of my Everybody's Dead album was actually at one of these events in the club when it moved to it's 2nd spot. I went there so much initially that somehow I ended up volunteering to help the owner move to the new location around the building, and from there I just became accepted by this community of amazing people. I learned a lot even if I was in a bad depression. This is where I did most of my shows and received most of my live feedback - at first I'd force myself to do it, but over time that drive kind of fizzled out when I felt like I hit a 'peak'. This was around when I started doing Manic All The Time. Regardless I followed that open mic to every venue it changed - it changed at least four times. I'd invite all of my friends to it, any artist I knew - it was my method to improve and I wanted to share it with others. By the time I wanted to leave the city though I didn't go as much. There were a lot of inspiring people there - especially promoters who tended to drive whole communities together. One of them would play a Tibetan healing bowl as his set - just ring it and let the energy run out. That was pretty different for me, the open mic opened me up to different things I typically didn't hear or see. He'd also give me advice and tell stories about life - his ideology was 'be a good person and spread positivity'. Very good promoter. Unfortunately he passed away in 2016 or 2017, and his family, friends, and all of the open mic community went to his wake. There was like 50 to 100 people on a beach, and his best friend (who I also became friends with) played his Tibetan healing bowl. As he did that was kind of the end of a chapter for me, the innocence was gone. He played it for the length of an open mic set (15 minutes). Ultimately these open mics helped establish me in the city which led to paid shows, and connections where I got jobs as a sound engineer, load-out guy, barback, in general I entered the club industry in the city by working open mics and befriending the people who worked there. I didn't do it for that reason, they were just generally awesome people who felt like family to me. I'm grateful for those moments, one day who knows, maybe I'll get back on the stage. Maybe I'll see another Tibetan healing bowl in real life. Edit: Upon the time of posting, I have gotten back on the stage at one of the only open mics left. It was a great experience.

[dearcl113]

025 - The Negative Reel, introduction, 2009

By senior year in high school, I was unsure again on if rap was really for me. My first dream as a child before I found hip hop was to be a director, and I got gifted a little handheld digital camera. I would use it to make shorts, just little 2-3 minute storyline videos. I made one about drug abuse called 'passing time' that became really popular around the school, and with teachers too. This allowed me to basically spend my time working on film, as in off moments I'd slip away to the TV studio and work on editing. There were 2 iMacs in Mr. Neo's new office, which was a converted large closet that had a window put in to look in on the 'studio'. This is where I did most of my editing as it was quieter, and I could talk with Mr. Neo who became my mentor. My friend who was the woman's voice in the opening commentary sketch took the other one. I remember junior year I had a pregnancy scare with my ex, and I came into school a mess thinking my life was over. He went around to my teachers to tell them what was happening, and listened to me while I talked about my anxieties - in general he never judged me. He came from a similar background as me despite being a family man and having a good life. I knew I had something special with film cause in my class there were some people from my neighborhood who I didn't really get along with, who would still approach me saying it was dope. This made me focus, I started writing my sketch comedy series. The radio show stopped when the TV studio moved rooms, so this was my next 'project' to go on. The comedy team grew, it expanded from the original friends I had to various people who'd help with filming, organizing. We'd all hang out and sometimes film content, but otherwise it was a fun time. Overall the main locations filmed were my dad's old trailer (the start), Mishnock, and the school auditorium. My hero at this time was Trevor Moore - the fact that he and his friends focused on their comedy, performed it, and managed to get a show from it made me look to parallels in my own life. My life became about comedy, that I'd use to deal with the stress of the things around me and events happening. But still it felt like something was lacking - it felt like I was tricking people by acting as the comedian when in reality I was a pretty serious, stressed person. So I tried to create sardonic/sarcastic comedy that was very self-deprecating, something which continued in my music for decades afterwards. I don't think self-deprecating humor is funny honestly, even if I don't believe I am the things I am saying in a joke like that this is something I've eliminated from my vocabulary. Using the digital camera I started filming the sketch comedy show - this is around when I created the Awkward Bot character in 2009. He was intended just to be a funny robot, who was awkward and had a lot of errors to deal with. We filmed three episodes for the show, though we did film other sketches. I'd spend a lot of time listening to commentaries from films I liked and honestly it made me realize how similar I was to successful artists. I don't mean like talent, I mean just in general my personality, how I joked around with my friends, what I focused on, I'd see so many connections with people there. It was weird but also it made me feel not alone. The main sketch I posted above was probably one of my best, it was about a man going through perpetual puberty and finding love. It was filmed in my neighborhood with my best friend from there who I will call Kingman. We filmed it on a rented old VHS camera that I had to convert the footage digitally, and the sound fucked up, but to this day everyone remembers this sketch. Honestly writing these helps me start my day sometimes. By the time I got to college I didn't have my comedy group with me, and film didn't feel the same. Honestly, I did it for fun and the more I went to college the more I realized this. I think this is why I focused on hip hop after college, I realized even if on my own it still felt right.

[dearcl113]

I don't want to write these anymore.

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017 - Freestyling & My First Spooky Music

Summers 2014 & 2015

In 2014 I recorded 'Eliminating Ego' which was the first project I really recorded a bunch of music for. I'd bring my microphone and mixer to my friends houses and record freestyles, or record in the shed and bring people there. We'd do cyphers a lot just sitting in cars or in houses. Eliminating Ego was supposed to be a psychedelic, new-age spiritual record about the path to becoming humble. It's probably not the best name, but back then (and even now) each project represented a chapter of growth for me. That's how I know a project is worth it, if I accomplish a goal in my life throughout the recording process. Throughout the entirety of my music i've always talked about new age stuff and spirituality because that was a common discussion where I was from. By the end of recording Eliminating Ego, I had nobody to mix it so I didn't release it. I also couldn't write anymore for some reason, my longest writers block ever other than the past few years. So I just freestyled, which made me able to record a ton more content and tie together all the loose freestyles I'd made with my friends. I'd just get a few beats, and record without pausing after lining all of them and freestyling. Most of these tapes are terrible, my freestyling wasn't the best and it was more so slow, melodic stuff before I really learned how to sing 'decently'. This led me to create 'Rap Mixtape?' in 2014 which was the last project I did 'on my own' (although all of my projects I did on my own before manic were incomplete imo) until Manic All The Time in 2016. Rap Mixtape? was the foundation of my lighter sound - I went away from more mainstream vibes to something more ironic. It was supposed to be cool, it represented how fun the summer of 2014 was for me. But it was also pretty egotistical, the ironic part of it didn't register nor did the story. I finished Rap Mixtape? in 2024 when I was doing the Extended's, but the quality is too bad to release. Honestly, the real story was the contrast of a rapper living a normal life while recording a project which promoted the opposite - the ironic part of it. My favorite song from it was 'when that time come round' which was a freestyle single I did. Sometimes when you tap into that energy you never know what will come out of it. One night in the summer of 2014 I had this darker beat than what I typically did. It had this dark saxophone on top of an almost trippy glitch drum pattern. It fit the mood of the recording session because I didn't feel 'alone' if that made sense, back then recording in my neighborhood I always felt like someone else was with me even if I was always recording by myself. Spooky ghost feeling I guess, but it didn't scare me. I'd freestyle in other voices just to play around, that night I was recording 'Haunted House' which was the OG paranormal mixtape I'd say - it was a joke about how someone had to meet me at a haunted house and they were confused. I freestyled songs about the monsters in the house, and other things - I tried to stay on theme but I didn't capture that fully until Manic. Still I did this one song called 'stay up' which was in a pitched down voice, it fit more than my real voice at the time which I didn't think had a dark enough vibe. The song talked about ghosts, spirits, spirituality, the beginnings of the themes on manic - all from a freestyle that I wasn't consciously saying, more so just coming out of me. I liked it a lot but it was before it's time. In 2015 while I was doing my last freestyle tapes after recording 'I'm a ghost' I got the same feeling of being watched while being in the shed one night tripping. I recorded these 3 tapes doing the beat line-up method, over-time this became more than just me creating music I did it for the experience. I think my favorite line from this was 'I can feel the spirits haunting me' which I'm unsure why I said this other than getting that feeling. I felt nervous, but recording helped me push through that. It was an experience almost, just a feeling of what could be in music.

[dearcl113]

021 - Parties & Hip Hop's Infancy

One of the most interesting things about hip hop to me is how much of it was born out of parties - people gathering to hear music and have a good time, driven by DJ's who would bring their own unique blends. With my original Instagram I wanted to keep Friday's for hip hop history - over the years I've noticed a lot of it went from being known about but not talked about to just being forgotten. Some of the younger artists I work with don't see a point in sitting down to listen to the classics and in a way that kind of bothers me. I think all art has some semblance of value as long as significant creative effort was put into the final release - but even then, you can't gatekeep what art has value and what doesn't. It's subjective. Regardless it's more than the music with this classic music and that story/lesson is hard to instill in a lot of the younger generations who don't really have the same perspective or experiences as older artists like me. When I was growing up these parties still existed, although very dispersed and people would mix in local music with mainstream music while playing drinking games or whatever. To me it's very inspiring how Kool Herc rented the community room in his building on Sedgewick Avenue and came together with his sister to promote the party. This is something anyone can do - anywhere, that universal foundation is so important to art especially urban artists who may not have the budget to establish themselves as much digitally as they do physically. It makes me think of people in Ukraine and how they do hip hop - how some of it may start from parties maybe even from rented community rooms. 'The Get Down' is a very good show depicting this era, especially the episode of the first battles - these stories have replicated themselves in movements all over the world as new waves have popped up. As new sounds came out of different areas these initial steps were repeated, even if they may or may not notice it. DJ Screw who is one of my favorite DJ's for sure established swishahouse through recording and parties. Most artists who have staying power that I've noticed have started out via parties initially. I think when people come together to have an event that's more party orientated it brings out a casual energy and excitement that typically isn't there - definitely in something more structured. This is why in Rhode Island a ton of bands and other artists play house parties or local events outside of events - typically the pay is the same as venues if there is one anyway (some parties offer a donation option if the person wants too). In venues this energy definitely used to exist more, but now maybe not as much - parties seem more isolated and 'cool' in a way. These parties spread from the Bronx to Manhattan to the clubs in the 80s and that's how hip hop began to expand past that. The DIY aspect of bringing your own equipment, setting it up - handling everything, to me runs very closely with how the punk scene was at this time. I'm unsure when the Tunnel was made, but it's crazy how hip hop went from a local genre made at a party to a country, and possibly world-wide, craze in just eight to ten years. All because someone had a crazy idea to rent a community room in their apartment building and throw a party.

[dearcl113]

020 - Writing Exercises, The Long Dark, Nerd & Video Games, (I'm a nerd), 2019-2024

Before I wrote The Long Dark I ended up doing another long run of a writing exercise I like to do - which is detail the stories or worlds of sandbox games and build on the characters in them or alternately, switch it entirely to something else while still keeping that initial feel. That's why I'm working on a few different script ideas, they all come from this except for my comedy stuff which I started in high school. I've done this since a little kid with all games in terms of imagining my own story/universe but I never started writing it down until 2019 when I thought I could translate it to scripts. Certain ideas have been so fleshed out I've built up entire universes and hundreds of years worth of lore, but I've yet to really sit down to write the script yet. It's not the time to focus on that I think. What the writing exercise I do really does is break writing blocks - any creative block. All I have to do is write it down, and continue writing it down - then eventually translate that into something. I'm still learning how to write scripts and lyric-writing, I know basic stuff but you can never not learn more as a writer in my opinion. It seems nerdy and lame to talk about but these little things matter a lot to structure and narrative building, or even just using my imagination and getting into the mode of 'play' that's important for creativity. I think every writer has their own exercise that really gets things going. After about a month of these exercises in November I started writing The Long Dark again - I definitely noticed a large improvement in my writing. The first song I wrote for it was 'Porch Light', it was supposed to be a song which showed acknowledging little things but sometimes I write things that I don't realize. The second was 'Ghost Ornament' which was supposed to be about growing up, and letting go of the past. I think both are good songs but maybe some day I'll get to record them - sometimes I'm proud of my writing and these songs I definitely think are some of the best written I've done. I'll have to break down these songs more in the future. I thought more in depth about the character I was writing (so I just thought about myself) after a month of doing that to characters in scripts, i.e. more in depth about myself. I think this self-critical analysis is pretty crucial, just being able to look at yourself form an outward perspective. Shamans in some native societies (especially the Narragansett) used to use a method of projecting themselves outside of their body to observe a traumatic event to reassess it - i.e. observing it from an outside perspective without the personal emotions. Songs are similar in the sense you're objectively writing something personal for an audience - it's a release. All of the songs I've written recently are about a future I'm visualizing in my head, or just from knowing myself, visualizing how i'd be represented in a situation. The same as how I visualize a character in a game and imagine what it is they're thinking/doing, just on a musical scale. In general there's many processes and habits people have that can be cross-linked to other goals of theirs for improvement, the more you balance, the more you grow. I turned a non-productive habit of mine into a good one, even if sometimes it feels like work.

[dearcl113]

025 - 'You' Pronoun, Universal Music & writing

Not the record label. But music that universally connects everyone - we're so divided politically sometimes in the US that it's weird to me honestly. There's still art out there that can do this - especially since the foundation of our media is built on this massively accessible entertainment. Over the past ten years I've seen a lot of attempts from the entertainment industry to appease all sides, which I don't blame them for this is how entertainment has always been done. You want to make a widely accessible piece of art on a corporate level because that maximizes revenue, and of course writing more 'professionally' co-aligns with corporate culture in terms of entertainment. To make a relatable piece of art today I think two things are really important - authenticity in terms of emotion that is vague enough to not draw specifics, and neutral pronouns which do not directly gender a song. As a kid I'd use 'her' all the time in my music describing women because that's what I grew up listening too and saying anything else felt weird. But then a lot of my music became inspired by women, and the constant 'her' felt like a brag. I still wanted to put out the message of the song, but how hip hop is - with the bravado and the whole incessant bragging sometimes, it felt like either way if I said 'her' I'd be called out for it by one of the women I was friends with. Over time 'her' became 'you', as I wrote these songs directly to these women that I wanted to talk too, or were inspired to write a song from a conversation by. 'You' felt more fitting as a way to appeal to a broader audience, and be less specific on details from whatever inspired me. I had to intentionally become more vague in my music in order to have the freedom to make it, to leave out full details sometimes in favor of making just art and a few sentences that say something directly. This has allowed me to open up my audience to all types of people beyond just the initial target audience that I had back in the mid 2010s of underground artists, RI music heads, or people from my hometown. By applying 'You' to my love songs which were about women, they could now be just general love songs that anyone would listen too. It became the main pronoun because honestly, thinking outside of my direct perspective helped me enhance my writing. I believe pronouns are important and I don't really have a problem using whatever pronoun someone asks of me to use. For along time I was really supportive of progressive ideas, until I was basically pushed out of that space. Either way I'd use different pronouns in my music to reflect more personally on the person I was discussing. For example if it was a non-binary person I was talking about in my music, I'd use they/them. Providence is full of all different people so I met a lot of different artists who used different pronouns. I've returned to using her in place of the main pronoun of any love interest character I have. I'm not bragging about it, I'm just telling my story - it was my own insecurity that held me back from fully utilizing love songs the way I want them too. It may limit my audience to a lesser degree, but that's okay. Honestly the 'you' didn't make as much sense because the songs stopped being as singular. The lesson is learning about gendered writing is a tool to utilize, not to exploit, but to grow with. Love is universal, it doesn't matter what pronoun you use, we all want it. The music that crosses these boundaries of our definitions will always be popular because it should leave an impact.

Hip Hop definitely gets flack sometimes for not being the most progressive genre. But what I've described above isn't something I've invented - it's done in the entertainment industry all the time. Love songs are written vague with pronouns that do not always showcase a gender, to open them up to the highest possible audience (at least in my opinion). In a way I think that's pretty genius, even if it is a definite corporate playbook technique.

[dearcl113]

029 - Entendre's, Hip Hop

One of the things I think makes good hip hop is double or triple meanings in a bar. This is something that's been done for decades and redone a billion times, but it's always amazing each time - definitely a staple of the genre. I would listen to artists as a kid and hear these bars that made me stop - I'd think about the initial meaning, then I'd realize what else they meant. And by that time I had missed four bars in the song. In NY hip hop entendre's are important as hell, at least they were back in the 2000s - it seemed like that was how we judged the greats. Yeah he has a hit song but how many triple entendre's has he hit? This was one of Jay Z's biggest reasons for being considered part of the greats back then. This was definitely a huge thing on the East Coast and elsewhere in hip hop too, wasn't just strictly up north. When I was doing the rap battle forums, there was this one dude from South Carolina that was the best and he would come up with all these different (we called them multi's then) and they'd make us think. He'd rack up all these points in the chart we had (we were nerds). My favorite entendre that I've ever done is on 'Manic All The Time', but typically most of my bars have 2-3 meanings. It was on MSNBC where I say "you've been making big problems cause you still dead wrong i'mma let the picture solve it till i'm dying & i'm gone, then it's life after death when I take what does belong". It fits the paranormal drill vibe I wanted to go for first, references two biggie songs and an album of his, and ties in my whole ghost/morbid theme. It also ties into the storyline of See You In My Dreams, something I didn't intend to do. I always think about these bars for some reason even if this kind of music isn't my favorite anymore. If you do this enough times, as I did focusing on the multi's, it sort of becomes second habit. Sometimes it's better to make your music vague but still have a personal meaning attached - a passing statement instead of something direct and specific. I think this is why I appeal to people from around the world - focusing on moments, ultimately means you focus on what it means to be human. You tell the story of humanity through your music through retelling these moments, that people can relate too because deep down we are all human. I think that's something that makes something 'good' lyrically - if you can apply multiple meanings to a context. It's not always necessary, but it's something I haven't seen as much in hip hop recently. Hip Hop has become very 'what you see is what you get', at least the past few years - this isn't an insult against artists from that time period, but how content was presented was different. Music inherently is double meaning anyway - the meaning that is presented, and the meaning that is known from the artist to those who know them. Once an artist utilizes this method then growing their context is a lot easier. I reference the past a lot, it's not because I think about it normally but more so just because that's the context I have to relate to whatever story I'm telling here. In our cyphers these double meanings would be the most popular bars in the freestyles, they were difficult to do but they were the bars that would make people yell or drive the energy up. They were the bars that'd get you the most points on the battle forum, and they sounded dope. Even people who didn't know what entendre's meant or were knew that multiple meanings in a bar was the way to go. It was important, yeah you could rap but can you say lines with double meanings? Hip Hop I think is shifting back to a place where entendre's are appreciated and that's cool. I'm still figuring out the structure of this blog, what's good in it - we'll get there. It won't be all about my background for sure.

[dearcl113]

034 - Who is CL promo & College Life (2010)

In 2010 I recorded this cringe promo video for my college class, it was the 2nd time I'd done this and I'm unsure why. I didn't really have content to showcase, I thought I was so good but in reality I was terrible. But I had that confidence, maybe from memories of how I felt partying and rapping/doing cyphers - I didn't really get the self critical voice in me just yet. In the video this was me when I was overweight, unsure why I look so different now - almost like a different person. You can also hear my natural stutter which I had a lot during this period. My life in 2010 was pretty good aside from problems at home, I was in my last year of college, I'd be out all the time - the people in this video I'd spend a lot of time with making art or music. The interviewer Matt came from Cape Cod but had an apartment here, and sometimes i'd record on my own using my Macbook at his apartment cause there was no space at my house in Mishnock. I recorded here, and also at my friend Tafa's house. In reality I was doing spoken word, Tafa would tell me this all the time and say 'it was more so just talking' but he didn't do it in a way that was downplaying me. Just giving me feedback, how to grow - that kind of stuff was vital to me as an artist who was really trying to make music. I haven't talked to him in probably over a decade, last I knew he was living in Atlanta doing music stuff with YSL. Back in college he was the rapper everybody knew was next up, his whole life was about hip hop and moving through the goals to the next level. He had this apartment in Warwick when he lived here/went to college, close to the campus relatively so I'd go by there sometimes. Most of the time it was for parties, or just chilling originally, but eventually he got a recording set up and people from Hempstead starting coming through. He had a studio set up in this empty bedroom he didn't use. So it was just this room with the mic in the closet, the mixer, and the computer outside it. Tafa was one of my better friends from college, we just kind of clicked and honestly I was inspired by him doing music, I wanted to do that. The months after I recorded this video he threw so many parties I think he got kicked out and had to go back to Long Island, which sucked but we'd get up periodically when he'd come back to RI. I mentioned before, but these parties were part of the ones that introduced me to cyphers. He got me into freestyling and doing music more, in general was one of the first people in the culture to directly accept me. So I'll always appreciate that. I loved 40s back then, Old English for some reason was my favorite (I can't drink it now because it's disgusting) and one day I was recording on my own in Warwick with my 40 in my hand, and my macbook in the other. I did a verse I had written, drank more, and carried the 40 in my hand with the macbook. I spilled the 40 on my macbook and broke it during the session, it was surreal. But when I did it kind of popped a bubble, I realized I was in the real world doing what I'd always wanted to do and there were real consequences if I made mistakes. But I was still living. I think the importance of all of this, is that sometimes we need to support our friends start out as much as we can. They might be bad, not make sense or make cringe promo videos but mostly everyone around me at this point in time was really supportive of me doing this. I still hadn't really gone public with the music yet either. Tafa letting me record on his microphone for me to learn how to mix in a DAW like Garage Band was really a foundation for me to learn and grow. And all he had to do was be chill.

[dearcl113]

027 - Mishnock History & The Light Trilogy, 1933-2025

Mishnock is a neighborhood/village in South/Central RI that's right on the line of where the sprawl begins and the woods. It's about seven minutes from West Warwick. A quarter of it is in Coventry, where I also lived as a kid, but most of it is in West Greenwich. It's also one of the only original neighborhoods in the town, which used to be a farming town other than Plain Meeting House which was a gathering spot along the original interstate highway. Half of it was developed from the early 90s onwards, while the original part is centered near the lake. I don't live near here anymore but I still miss it. Mishnock originally was just owned by one family and in the 1930s the owner decided to sell plots of land to buyers from across the state for $30. One side of my family for instance came from/lived in South Providence and rented a lake-house back then for a little more than that. There's a ton of lake communities where I am from due to Rhode Island being wetlands in a large majority of it, and Mishnock was just one of them that sprouted originally almost as like an adult summer camp. This brought a communal feel, all of my relatives who grew up in my neighborhood have stories of it being a really fun place even if they did get into trouble sometimes. It was just stupid youthful trouble, Mishnock was the 'cool place' everyone from the area would go too to unwind. There was the Barn that housed all different genres of music, and a lot of the local kids like my relatives worked on the grounds so they could get in for free. Nowadays they only do country music though. A series of lawsuits in the early 90s shut down the park basically, and it became a private ground just focused around a club. They do have a yearly reunion in the fall though where a bunch of people come and they have live music. Any old person in the area, the quickest way to get them to warm up is to mention Mishnock. Honestly I really appreciate this generation and their stories, it's a nice reminder of what my neighborhood is. If you look at it on google maps you can see the different eras of architecture and building, from the more suburban bigger houses on the other side of the lake to where I lived which was the old lake-houses without the big yards or things like that. Either way it's a really beautiful place I'm not going to lie, all of my friends from around the town would go there to relax even if they weren't hanging out with me - sometimes I'd find them at chill spots on their own. Especially in the summer, with the wind blowing through the trees and it never being too hot or too cold. I moved there in 2003 after one of my relatives died and we got their house. Back then all the kids would hang out outside all day across Rhode Island, this is what my song 'Ice Cream Truck' is about. A lot of us didn't really have the best life growing up whether that was from stuff at home, or other issues, but just being in the neighborhood relaxed you for some reason. It had an energy to it that I've never found elsewhere. My project 'Nerd' is based off my life growing up here, I probably won't ever release 'Nerd' outside of here. Nerd is a stand-alone from the Light Trilogy I recorded in April-May 2024 which basically taught me how to record again with discipline. In the end, life is what it is and I choose to focus on the positive. I could've made this article about the problems that inspired some songs on Nerd, but that's not important. In the end I'll always feel the energy I grew up with in Mishnock and it'll always inspire my music, even if I'm far away. neighborhood girl - Nerd, 2024

[dearcl113]

032 - First embarrassment artistically, The Giver & Transmutation, 2003-2007

When I was 12 I was watching Dilated People's 'worst comes to worst' on VH1 one day. Back then I had to capitalize writing wise when a song I liked was on, so I'd write out as much as I could while the song played to capture that energy. I wrote a song about my dad being important to me, (he was overseas in Iraq at the time). I sent that song via military letter that got screened and he read it, but he barely responded to it saying something like 'thanks'. I use the term 'benchmark song' now to help other people I work with describe sounds to build foundations off of and for me this was one of them even if I hadn't figured out the concept yet. I was embarrassed as hell, wondering why the hell I put so much effort into the song and didn't I know it'd turn out this bad? One of the books I read as a kid was The Giver. It gave me an eerie feeling. I had read 1984 a little bit before, so I was familiar with dystopian books in general - that whole vibe of a totalitarian society taking over. My father being sent overseas to fight in Iraq got me interested in military history, and from learning about WW2 I learned about fascism, etc. At first it was exciting that everyone in the society of the Giver was given their own jobs, it seemed almost logical for some of the more extreme societal practices that I didn't necessarily understand. The old man, who begins teaching the boy, recollects on his childhood to the boy. He tells of a world of before, where he could sled down a snowy hill and feel emotions he did not feel now. See colors he had not seen, and most importantly, he fell off at the end and felt pain that he had never felt before. The cold on his skin. These memories lingered despite the dulling of color through the regime, and now the Boy was designated as the Giver to continue that tradition of holding them. In a way this is what art is, and what this books means to me. Art is pain. This is something I struggle with a lot, it's a compelling that eats at me - it's a transmutation of negative into positive. It opens up viewers and listeners to pain and emotions they might've not experienced before, or just read about. It'd be nice if life was happiness perpetually but that's not reality. Real life is full of anger, depression, gloominess and negativity that is balanced out by the overpowering good, the moments which stick with you and linger. Art is pain, reflections of trauma or stress which tear at you but get expressed in a creative way which hopefully will catch a listener or viewer. Showcasing these emotions is honesty, it's living life - it's being human. Holding them back is the opposite of such. Perpetual positivity is not human nor is it necessary for art. I am a Giver. I am a writer and I am a holder of memories which can be utilized to help others grow through advice or stories. Alchemizing requires transmuting in perpetuity. Giving your pain through a process which transforms it until one day that pain is utilized by the next generation for them to repeat the process. My process jump-started with a letter I wrote to my dad overseas, which taught me art can have a negative reaction. The Boy's process jumpstarted when he saw pain for the first time through memories. The Old Man in the Giver by the end of his life was tired. His only drive was to transfer this process onto the next generation, then he would die. He had suffered his whole life to keep these memories alive. In the book these memories represent art and alchemizing art (at least this is how I interpret it) to pass knowledge onto the next generation. Alchemy is the process which we teach. You creatively go from where you are to where you want to be, and that process sometimes may take forever. A lot of people want to make good art, but misunderstand the impact of transmuting suffering through it. Perhaps Lois Lowry is right, art which leaves an impact is imprinted out of pain.