deardad

[deardad]

Dear Dad,

I've been thinking about doing this for a while now, but I held back because I'm a very private person—and you always told me not to put everything out there.

But Dad, lately, it's been feeling really sad and lonely. I haven't been able to tell anyone what's going on in my life. I feel like I've been torn away from my friends because of our "busy schedules." When I moved out of the apartment I shared with them, it felt like I lost the bond we had. I know we still see each other from time to time—and maybe it's just FOMO—but I’ve really been feeling left out.

As for my best friend, she's also caught up in her own life and struggles. And as her best friend, I want to make things easier for her, just like she did for me during my tough days.

What I really need, Dad, is someone who will listen—to the most random stories from my daily encounters with people: the juicy, the shocking, the irritating, the happy, the funny, and even the completely ordinary. You know, the kind of stories I used to tell you during our car rides home? Sometimes there was a sermon at the end, but you always listened anyway.

You might say, "What about him?" like you always do. And I’d probably say nothing—or make up some excuse, like I always do. But the truth is, Dad, as much as I love him, I feel lonely even when I’m with him. I'm scared to bring it up because I know I’ll just be gaslighted. My feelings will be dismissed, as if I have no right to feel the way I do. He’ll make it all about him, like he always does.

Dad, you've been such a great father that I used to wish for someone like you. And I did find someone like you. But I forgot—while you were an amazing father to us, and a great friend to Mom, you weren’t a great husband to her. Still, that never stopped you from being a good person.

Maybe he and I were never meant to be a lifelong love, but like you and Mom—two beautiful souls better as friends—because while he is exceptional in many ways, as a partner, he holds my hand but leaves my heart in tears.

You set the standard for what it means to love as a father. I’m sorry for settling into a situation that doesn’t meet that. I know he’s a good man, just like you. But I also know I deserve to be loved the way you loved me.

-D.