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Lucifer: I got you Netflix for your birthday

Trixie: aww hell yeah so I don’t have to share my account with maze anymore?

Lucifer:

Lucifer: you wanted an account?

Trixie: ...yeah?

Chloe: lucifer what the fuck have you done

Lucifer: I may or may not have bought the entire company

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Chloe: I identify as morosexual, I’m attracted to dumbasses and dumbasses only

Lucifer: hey I’m gonna test whether my wings are working by jumping out of the window and seeing if I fall to my death

Chloe, already taking off her clothes: you’re so fucking stupid I’m coming with you

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Lucifer: it’s nice to be wanted by someone :D

Chloe:

Chloe: that’s your face on a fucking wanted poster lucifer the FBI will literally shoot you on sight

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Lucifer, before meeting Chloe: when I die can you snort my ashes like cocaine

Maze: you’re fucking immortal

Lucifer, after figuring out that Chloe makes him mortal: so, ash cocaine?

Chloe: what the fuck

Maze: FUCK YEAHHHHH

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Lucifer: ah yes, baguettes, the long snakes of bread. We’ll take two of your freshest yeasty eels, good sir

Baker: what the fuck

Chloe: please ignore him

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Chloe: you shouldn’t be using a plastic straw

Lucifer: I know, it’s bad for the environment

Chloe: ...no it’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti

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Chloe: jellyfish have survived 600,000 years without brains

Lucifer: a ray of hope for Dan

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Chloe: go fuck yourself

Lucifer: fuck me yourself coward

Chloe:

Chloe, choking on her drink: what

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in the case of anyone forgetting, pedophilia is not a fucking sexuality. a sexuality, by definition, is attraction to a certain gender or sex (or lack of either of those two things, i.e. agender, non-binary, demisexual, etc.) CHILDREN, therefore, are not a GENDER. pedophiles don’t need ✨support✨ and 🌈acceptance🌈, they need mental help or imprisonment. I said what I said and I won’t take it back. I see the occasional post trying to push the idea of ‘non-offending MAPs’, but that doesn’t erase the subject of adults! being attracted! to kids! it’s a mental illness and a crime, and anyone who tries to include ‘MAPs’ in the LGBTQ+ community is inherently homophobic. Why? Because if you think the two are interchangeable, you’re associating being gay with a fucking crime and it’s sickening. Take your views somewhere else because they sure as hell don’t belong here.

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I spent like 90% of my time as a twelve year old pretending to be a boy on roblox so that I could date other girls and it took me sEVENTEEN YEARS to figure out the fact that I wasn’t straight and that is THAT on internalised homophobia, bitch

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Lucifer: this is my ex-girlfriend, chloe

Chloe:

Chloe: I told you to stop calling me that

Lucifer: fine

Lucifer, turning back around: this is my wife chloe I guess

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Pierce: welcome to the ‘fuck lucifer’ support group, in which we gather every wednesday to collectively scream ‘fuck you, lucifer’ into the void

Chloe:

Chloe: so I may have misunderstood

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Chloe: babe do we have any cookies left

Lucifer: who needs cookies when I’ve got the sweetest thing right here in my arms

Chloe:

Chloe: did you eat the fucking cookies

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Pierce: are you google, because you’re everything I’m searching for

Chloe:

Chloe: are you Bing because you’re not actually what I’m searching for and you’re pretty useless, to be fair

Pierce: wait n—

Chloe: are you a software update because not right now

Pierce: chloe—

Chloe: are you a bra because you make me feel uncomfortable and I’d love if I didn’t have to walk around with you all the damn time

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Lucifer: Eve, I—

Eve: there’s no ‘I’, only ‘we’

Lucifer: I mean.

Lucifer:

Lucifer: in that case, ‘we’... kissed chloe

Eve: well I guess we slept with maze too

Lucifer: oh—

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Lucifer: I’m getting a brain scan today

Maze: to check if you have one?

Lucifer:

Lucifer, sarcastically: thank you so much for the concern and support

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Maze: Chloe doesn’t like animals in the house.

Pierce, standing there without any animals: uh—

Maze: that’s code for get off your fucking high horse, bitch

Trixie, from another room: hELL YEAH