deconstructed-paradise

[deconstructed-paradise]

OH MY GODS WHO CARES IF HE DOESN’T KNOW WHAT A NONBINARY LESBIAN IS. HE IS OFFERING TO INCLUDE YOU IN THE EMAIL LIST SO TAKE IT

Do you guys know how often I’ve had to work with people I hold on contempt, just for the sake of my goals? It’s not about cultivating the most morally pure network, it’s the largest network you can manage. Sure, you wanna keep the ecofash ones at arm’s length and cut ties if they get too bold, but you can work with a lot of horrid, questionable, and just plain irritating people whose goals align with yours.

….. I think this is why I ended up drinking after those meetings.

I mean, as long as you don't gloat about it *to* her? you can feel whatever you like.

Oh. You’re right, I suppose. I’m not used to… being allowed to feel emotions in private.

I’m doing my best to provide legitimate advice and not be smug about how miserably she and her anger issues are failing at this. She’s already gotten into a fistfight over some queer discourse or other; I didn’t catch the details but she’s positively frothing with rage at this man not knowing such a thing could exist. (I didn’t know either, but apparently it’s something of an esoteric label.)

[deconstructed-paradise]

I mean, as long as you don't gloat about it *to* her? you can feel whatever you like.

Oh. You’re right, I suppose. I’m not used to… being allowed to feel emotions in private.

I’m doing my best to provide legitimate advice and not be smug about how miserably she and her anger issues are failing at this. She’s already gotten into a fistfight over some queer discourse or other; I didn’t catch the details but she’s positively frothing with rage at this man not knowing such a thing could exist. (I didn’t know either, but apparently it’s something of an esoteric label.)

[deconstructed-paradise]

I… have a serious question. Is it wrong of me to enjoy this?

my daughter’s girlfriend wants to save her favorite tree from getting cut down. And oh my goodness she has never been in a situation where she has to talk about a problem and solve it with others rather than fighting her way through. And it shows. She’s so terrible at this, she’s nearly gotten kicked out already and she’s suffering through the meeting notes.

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Well. I suppose I’m going to get the child who hates me into activism. Surely nothing will go wrong with this

…. I am doing this for my daughter.

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Well, you're being more mature than my dad right now

….please don’t say that

I’m…. here because I need to try and heal, away from the people I’ve hurt. I need to be able to prioritize my feelings without making theirs any lesser. I know that not picking fights with a child is my responsibility as an adult. I know it’s the right thing to do. It’s just incredibly difficult, and I think

I don’t know what your father’s situation is like. I think he’s unambiguously in the wrong, sure, but I have more in common with him than you.

…skies, self awareness is exhausting. I’m going to turn off my phone and see what forms of violence they allow me in physical therapy.

[deconstructed-paradise]

I am trying so hard to be the bigger person and not start fights with an eleven year old. I am being so normal about this. I am a grown adult woman with emotional regulation skills and I do not need to start a fight with an eleven year old. It solves nothing and only creates more problems for me in the long run. I do not need beef with an eleven year old.

[deconstructed-paradise]

My daughter is getting quite upset with me that she isn’t allowed to see her father. I…

I’m just the messenger. They think his facial recognition functions were damaged, his mind is practically piecemeal and—

He still can’t reliably recognize our daughter.

And maybe… maybe I’m scared. Maybe I’ve done so much work to try and internalize that I’m allowed to heal, but can I really hold onto that when my husband understands the full extent of what I’ve done?

I want to make our marriage work. I want to very much. But I’m scared.

[deconstructed-paradise]

My therapist has begun suggesting I have some form of undiagnosed anxiety disorder. Which is frankly preposterous; I've never--

What. You... don't think so?

No, of course not! I'm tremendously well put together most of the time!

You... I don't remember you being. Adaptable. I had to calm you down on our trips. Things went wrong, and you... couldn't cope on the fly. So I held you and talked, that's what we did, right?

....yes. I'm very well put-together so long as nothing deviates from my plan.

I'm sorry. You're blogging, aren't you?

No, it's fine, it helps me record thoughts and progress. This is blog worthy too. I just don't think this whole anxiety thing is worth looking into, is all.

I do.

...pardon?

We... were going to work on it. Talking about things as a couple. I do. I think it's worth it. Anxiety. I, I don't want you to suffer from it if you don't have to. Am I making sense?

Of course you are. I... I'll consider it. Thank you.

[deconstructed-paradise]

I did end up going to a more adult oriented pride event. The hospital had one for long term residents, and it was…. Hm.

I did learn quite a bit about transgender surgical procedures. I had no idea there were so many options. It’s a little scary, but then I suppose getting cut open always is.

They also had more, ah. Adult options? How to do it safely, and so forth. My husband and I were able to have a talk about that, actually. How we don’t want our relationship to include that sort of thing moving forward.

He said he was sorry if I ever felt pressured. But I’m an adult, I consented because I felt that having biological children was worth it. He made it a nice experience, as much as he was able.

I ended up chatting with a very nice…person? Nonbinary person, who was here for recovery from complications. I didn’t know you could be nonbinary in that manner.

I really need to get out more. Talk to people.

[deconstructed-paradise]

figuring out what makes you uncomfortable and avoiding that is probably as good a place as any?

I don’t want to do that, though. I….

Okay. So gender dysphoria is what tipped me off. But I only knew that something was wrong, not what.

I want to figure out who I am, instead of running from what I’m not.

[deconstructed-paradise]

I… don’t want to wear these clothes anymore. I looked at my old closet and I hated all of it, the boning and illusions and tight fabric, I’ve been wearing hospital gowns and hoodies and I don’t want to go back. I know I have to be acceptable for society but who cares, I’ve gained weight now and they won’t fit me anyways.

Gained weight, I say. I… was manic and starving. I’d smack anyone who treated their partner pokemon like that, bony and frail and thin. Why did I do it to myself for so long? Why did I do it to my kids?

I know all about how to be fashionable and move with the crowd, but not how to be comfortable. I scarcely know where to start.

[deconstructed-paradise]

oh that's battlers georg

Oh, goodness, she already has a reputation? I suppose if she’s that good at battling, then she’ll know how to handle this….

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Ah. Another phone call from my daughter. She was… rather cold to me, but she said she’d found a proper trainer for one of the Pokémon from my workplace. A girl named Nemona, if I’m not mistaken.

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Pelipper mail! Rubber torchic with a pulley in the middle

I….don’t know what this is, I’m sorry.

[deconstructed-paradise]

We aren't on speaking terms at the moment. She... made it clear that my actions were unforgivable and she doesn't wish for me to initiate contact.

Believe me, I want to apologize! I want to make her understand, just how bad I had it, just how twisted my thinking got, just how much I love her and want to protect her. But... I can't.

You make a good point about adult-centric events, but those seem to be centered around sex and alcohol, neither of which I have a particularly healthy relationship with. It would be nice to go somewhere and simply... talk. With other adults, no alcohol, no pressure for hookups.

Am I... allowed to go to pride events if I'm still closeted for the time being?

[deconstructed-paradise]

....my daughter and her girlfriend will likely be there. I... don't wish to impose. Especially since--

I don't. I don't think it was homophobia, the reason I initially opposed it. I didn't want her growing up, I didn't want her to be taken advantage of. I guess I was scared that if she found this... community, as a lesbian, then she wouldn't need me.

It's too late, the damage is already done. And it's not like I can just tell her, surprise, I've realized I'm nonbinary and might have some ambiguous feelings towards women, and that'll make it all okay. I.... she's new at this too, and she's just a child, and I don't want to invade her safe space.

Am I... allowed to go to pride events if I'm still closeted for the time being?

[deconstructed-paradise]

Am I... allowed to go to pride events if I'm still closeted for the time being?