deejeejay - Tumblr blog

[deejeejay]

What I learned from my last relationship.

Okay, so no backstory needed. I'll just go on straight ahead.

Trust your gut. If you feel like this person isn't the person you want to be with for the rest of your life then don't be with them. It'll just end with you and them getting hurt.

Trust your partner. Whether or not you trust them, they could cheat, they could betray you, they could lie to you. Just trust them, give yourself peace of mind and them the benefit of doubt.

Don't be jealous or insecure. When they tell you they love you, believe them. Be okay with them having friends of the opposite sex. Avoid being possessive or holding them too tight. Who is for you, will always be for you.

Good men exist. They are few, they are rare, but they do exist. I was lucky enough to be loved by one and it came with peace. Someone who is stable, steady, understanding, loving. You deserve that. Do not give up.

Be clear and assertive about what you want and where you are in a relationship. It's hard for you because you always want to seem strong and confident and unfazed, but if you want something. Ask for it. If you're not sure, what something means. Ask what it means. Don't play games. It will save you a lot of pain and confusion in the future.

Be vulnerable and accept that to love someone means to be prepared to get hurt. Please, please; let people in. Bare your heart out. It is only then that you will be able to experience love in it's full capacity.

Don't settle. I don't mean physical appearance wise. I mean in the way they treat you. You and everyone on this earth deserve to be treated with respect, and love. Be with someone you really like, and someone that really likes you. Ask yourself: If we weren't in a relationship, would I want to be friends with this person?

Love is more an action than a feeling. After a while all that 'new person high' will calm and that is when the real relationship begins. Some days you will wake up and feel like you don't feel 'in love' with that person that day; that is when you should love them harder.

Find a way to still do what makes you happy. Referencing no. 5. Whenever you need 'me' time to recharge; ask for it. Whenever you need time to do your favorite activity; ask for it. If the person is your person, if they are truly for you, they will understand and even be happy about it.

Be honest always. It's hard, but avoid all lies. Even little white lies. Even when you just start talking to the person be completely honest. If you can't tell them about it; then you shouldn't be doing it.

Be kind and understanding especially in an argument. Try always to communicate from a place of love, avoid yelling or seeming harsh in that moment. Take a deep breath and talk it out maturely. Make it know that it is still a safe space. When necessary; agree to disagree.

Be with someone who wants the same thing as you. Without cajoling, begging, excessive compromising. Don't give up on something you really want that is an integral part of you. E.g Wanting kids. Your views on sex. Your views on marriage. Your views on religion.

Don't put the reasons for your partner's actions on yourself. When they do something that hurts you, don't blame yourself. It is about them. They are responsible for their actions. They are why they carried out that action, not you.

Figure out yourself and why you want to be in a relationship with this person. What do you want? Is this person what you want? What are your bad patterns in picking a partner? Do you want to be in this relationship because you are scared of being alone? because you are scared you will never find better? because people are in a relationship? because you want to experience and experiment? Whatever the reason is; figure it out. If it's for any reason besides love, that this person makes you happy and a better person then you should consider not being with them.

Pray and hope that the next person you are with is your forever person. That no matter how much you both grow and change; you will always love, complement, and be compatible with each other.

Pray that you never give up on working on your relationship, and on working to be better individuals.

Pray that God blesses you both with a long, happy, and fulfilled life.

And pray that God grants you what your heart desires and that He brings you your partner, your person, your very best friend as soon as possible. Most of all, pray that He gives you want you need.

Till then enjoy your life and chase your dreams !

[deejeejay]

Today was tough.

Today would’ve been our second anniversary.

It’s been three months since we broke up and every day I ask myself if I made the right decision. The uncertainty is driving me crazy. I miss you. It hurts, but I feel like I couldn’t give you what you needed.I didn’t want us to spend more years together and realize later that it... you... are not what I wanted.

I loved you, but It just never felt right. Now, I’m wondering if that was a good enough reason to throw away what we had. Seeing you didn’t make me feel happy or sad. Just there...just meh. Physical affection with you wasn’t easy. It always seemed uncomfortable. Holding hands, hugging, physical affection just wasn’t natural with us. I tried and I believe I was a good girlfriend. I tried to always make you happy and be there for you.But you noticed. You said you felt starved of affection.You had to ask for affection, beg even and you didn’t deserve that. I didn’t mean to do that, but that attraction to you wasn’t there. It never really was. People say attraction fades eventually so maybe that wasn’t important?

I feel terrible for hurting you. I feel so guilty. Maybe I should’ve stayed even though the thought of us getting married didn’t make me feel excited? Maybe I should’ve stayed even though I didn’t enjoy or care about physically affectionate with you? Should I have stayed even though I just never felt like I could open up and be my true flawed self around you? Should I have stayed even though I felt you weren’t truly satisfied?

We are so young, I felt like I shouldn’t settle because you are everything a woman would want on paper. You don’t deserve to be with someone that feels she’s settling with you. You should be with a woman that feels like you are everything she wants and prayed for, not just on paper, but in real life too. You should be with a woman who goes crazy for your touch and kisses. A woman that loves you with every fiber of her being and whole heart.

I developed imposter syndrome dating you. Like I would make one wrong move and you would find out that I didn’t really love you in a forever kind of way. I‘m so sorry. I was selfish; I stayed because I felt like you were such a loving boyfriend. You loved me SO much. I felt inadequate, like a liar because the feeling wasn’t mutual. I stayed because I was and still am scared I’ll never find someone that loved me like you did. I stayed because you felt safe, like a safety net, but not like home. I tried SO hard to feel differently, but I couldn’t and I thought why waste more of our time? I also stayed because I didn’t want to shatter your heart. Nobody deserves pity love

I realized that I loved and cared about you enough to let you go. I knew you would’ve never ended things with me even though you weren’t satisfied. I knew I had to be the one to do it. You deserved a lot more love than I could I offer to you and I knew I could give much more love, but not just to you. I cried for days before ending things with you. I loved you, I still do, I always will. I just didn’t love you in the way you needed to be loved, and vice versa.

It was hard to let go of someone that had been in my life for over four years. I loved you enough do it though. I guess that’s how you know you love someone, You know when you can’t be selfish with them. You know when you want what’s best for them even when you know you aren’t it.

So happy -to what would’ve been our- two year anniversary! I miss you. Thank you for the love and memories. Only time will tell if I made the right decision or if I should’ve stayed even though it didn’t feel right to me. You are a great, amazing guy. I really hope I did. I feel great guilt. I have been obsessing, thinking and debating with myself if I made the right decision. Whatever the outcome though; I have to accept it because no matter how tightly one holds on to the past, it’s already gone.

I have to let you and us go for real. I’m so sorry. I love you. Goodbye. I pray and hope I find my person and you find yours to. This is the end of the road for us.

[deejeejay]

How do I forgive myself.

How do I forgive myself for hurting someone who only loved you. I just ended a 2 year relationship two weeks ago. I love him, I don't regret the relationship but the weight of this is killing me. I promised myself that I would never hurt anyone like my first love hurt me, but I ended up doing just that. I think in trying to avoid that I did just that. I hate that I hurt him. All he ever did was make me feel loved. What do you do when you feel a big hole where the love he felt for me should've been. I just felt something was missing and I tried so hard for that to happen by trying to make sure he never felt that I felt something was missing.

Now, I keep thinking about him; how he's feeling. I keep hoping he's not feeling as horrible as I did when I got my heartbroken by my first love. I don't know what to do because when I feel a little bit good, my mind goes back to him and how I made him feel.

[deejeejay]

back again

heartbroken again

3+ years after my last “break up”. This time there was no cheating, no malicious intent, just two people who love each other but are at different places in life right now.

Two people that want different things. I love you and I will miss you. You were amazing to me, you made me feel loved, adored, cherished, beautiful. You made me feel like the sun and you were glad being close enough to feel the warmth. I would like to believe I was good to you as well. I’m happy we dated for those 1.5 years. They were amazing and filled with love (and fights too). I can’t shake the feeling like you might be the one that got away, I can’t shake the feeling that no one will love me like you did/do. I mean they say some people go their whole lives without finding a love like that, how lucky would I be to find it twice?

Anyway, good bye for now or forever…Only time will tell.

I love you, our relationship is a prime example of right person, wrong time.

[deejeejay]

Throwback to this!

The hurt will go away but just like physical wounds

The scar will always be there

I remember the that night. I hope to live a long long life but I’ll never forget that night.

You read about heartbreaks in books and you watch actors potray it on tv and you think to yourself. I get it. But you don’t you really don’t.. Not till you’ve actually felt it.

Now, I’m not talking about some crush who doesn’t feel same way.. Or some hot girl you’re infatuated with

I mean love… The kind that would want to make you spend the rest of your life with that person

That night..That night I felt it…The heartbreak I’d read so much about

It’s kinda funny how for the first few minutes you’re just…stunned

Even if you kinda expected it, you’d still feel that way

I guess you can’t really be prepared to hear someone who you thought was the love of your life tell you they don’t love you anymore…that they love someone else

After the being stunned part that’s when the panic sets in..you begin to wonder if it’s real and you start thinking of ways to fix the problem but it can’t be solved

When someone doesn’t love you anymore.. It can’t be fix..You can’t love someone into loving you.

When you’ve gone through the panic phase and realise it’s real.. you think “where do I start from?” ..“ how do I begin to unlove someone I’ve spent so much time loving”.

At that moment you probably wouldn’t have the answer.

You wake up the next day and realise this is your life now and thoughts about the future and days ahead hurt.. Basically every part of you hurts.. And it affects you physically.. your throat feels tight…that ache in your chest and stomach..

But you just gotta take it a day at a time…No matter how much you’re hurting, the sun will set and the day will end…

After some time you’ll realise you’re still living..Months will pass…It will still hurt

I don’t know if it will stop, I’m not there yet but I know it gets better..

But if the hurt will go completely away?..

I don’t know but it gets better and I’ve got to live on….

[deejeejay]

[deejeejay]

does anyone else just feel the strong desire to change, to travel, to meet new people, to just start over somewhere you’ve never been before

[deejeejay]

[deejeejay]

I remember the that night. I hope to live a long long life but I'll never forget that night.

You read about heartbreaks in books and you watch actors potray it on tv and you think to yourself. I get it. But you don't you really don't.. Not till you've actually felt it.

Now, I'm not talking about some crush who doesn't feel same way.. Or some hot girl you're infatuated with

I mean love... The kind that would want to make you spend the rest of your life with that person

That night..That night I felt it...The heartbreak I'd read so much about

It's kinda funny how for the first few minutes you're just...stunned

Even if you kinda expected it, you'd still feel that way

I guess you can't really be prepared to hear someone who you thought was the love of your life tell you they don't love you anymore...that they love someone else

After the being stunned part that's when the panic sets in..you begin to wonder if it's real and you start thinking of ways to fix the problem but it can't be solved

When someone doesn't love you anymore.. It can't be fix..You can't love someone into loving you.

When you've gone through the panic phase and realise it's real.. you think "where do I start from?" .." how do I begin to unlove someone I've spent so much time loving".

At that moment you probably wouldn't have the answer.

You wake up the next day and realise this is your life now and thoughts about the future and days ahead hurt.. Basically every part of you hurts.. And it affects you physically.. your throat feels tight...that ache in your chest and stomach..

But you just gotta take it a day at a time...No matter how much you're hurting, the sun will set and the day will end...

After some time you'll realise you're still living..Months will pass...It will still hurt

I don't know if it will stop, I'm not there yet but I know it gets better..

But if the hurt will go completely away?..

I don't know but it gets better and I've got to live on....

[deejeejay]

[deejeejay]

[deejeejay]

im really in the mood to either be kissed or hit by a truck i dont really care which, surprise me

[deejeejay]

“The truth is I miss him,” she said. “But I’ll swallow poison before I admit it.” “And I can hardly stand the silence between us. But that doesn’t mean I’ll be the first to speak.””

— S.Z. // Excerpt from a book I’ll never write #165 (via blossomfully)

[deejeejay]

[deejeejay]

Uh hey

How're you ?

I know you're okay

I just want to say I miss you so much and I I miss us and how we used to be before you fell in love and met her

And I'm not okay with it because I don't want it but since I.. I.. I..love you I want you to be happy

Happy with me I'd prefer but I'd just be fine with you being happy

I don't know why I wasn't enough

Didn't even get to kiss you

Everything with you was just almost

Almost kissed

Almost dated

Almost loved me

Almost but not quite

*sigh* I really want you to want to be with me and love me and only me and date me and call me and just love me and be in love with me

But that's not going to happen cause in life we don't always get what we want and it's just how it is

I miss you and love you

I hope and pray I get to be happy with someone else and that they love and be in love with me too.

[deejeejay]

Yo, download this it's totally worth it 😊

[deejeejay]

Wooowww this was basically written for what I'm going through rn😢❤

“I still miss you, I do. But I guess in the end I‘m glad we only found each other to fall apart. If we‘d never tried, I would have never known. I would have spent my nights lying awake, wondering what could’ve been if I‘d only been brave enough to take a step towards you. And I did, I did it with my arms opened wide and my eyes pressed shut so tight, I swear I could see the stars. It was scary and new and dizzying, but you kept me tethered to the ground. It was beautiful while it lasted, and I never got the impression that you weren’t treating me right, that maybe I was just too different and we weren’t right for each other. That while I was looking for something to give me peace, you were on the hunt for your next adventure. That while we fit so perfectly, my hand in yours, cheek pressed against cheek, what we wanted from life did not. It’s kind of sad, but it took you walking out of my life for me to finally realise my worth. For the first time I did not think I wasn’t enough or too much. I wasn’t afraid that I said the wrong thing or acted in a way that upset you. We ended quietly, not with a crash and not with a burn. I understood that we didn’t work in the ways that mattered. And somehow, it’s right that we didn’t. Because for weeks that felt like a handful of moments, we fit together like two pieces of a whole.”

— two pieces of a whole / n.j.