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[defiantscribe]

Trouble with Getting in a Routine

Well, I find myself needing some kind of outlet as I just don't know how to honestly express myself in any other format other than rambling to a notepad via keyboard.

So here goes.

I've been struggling with my job lately. Nothing in particular is wrong with it, I just hate it. I don't like having to be at someone's beck and call and deal with dumb shit in order to live. I've always been a whiner about my need to have a job. I've never liked having a job, I would really rather not have a job. If I could have a large sum of money that I was in charge of just trying to organize/maintain a comfortable existence, that would be the best course for me. I just do not like having to fit into this mold of being a worker.

Never have, never will. I feel almost like an artist with no art. That when I want to create or contribute, I will, otherwise, let me brood until that time comes.

Granted, a lot of how I operate, function and perform in life would need to drastically change for that kind of thing to improve or even happen, but it's ideally what I want. I just hate having to be somewhere at a particular time to do things just to have the comfort of living well. It's a balls mentality. Not that it's not necessary, mind you, I just don't like the idea of it.

Worst part about it is that I'm good at what I do, but I just don't like doing it. I don't wanna deal with people all day long. I would much rather have a job where I'm in charge of doing stuff off hours, non-customer related that I could just plug in my headphones and knock the fuck out and move onto the next thing at my own pace. I don't like being on phones, I don't like talking with people, I don't like any of it.

I am just so tired of feeling like I'm having to take on someone else's problems.

I've done that for a long time, I'm tired of doing it.

Whine over, back to work.

Still working, but felt like typing more since I was going somewhere with this, but didn't. I believe I've fallen into a bad pattern of internet usage and viewing. I enjoy the things I watch and the content I consume, but I honestly feel that it's started to take control of my brain and I need to stop the pattern of misuse/abuse to get my brain back in order.

I find myself watching twitch streamers most of the day, consuming the lives of young people with massive amounts of "brain rot" and finding myself unable to turn away. I'm currently watching a collaboration between users right now as I type this. I had to turn the audio off so I could concentrate long enough to type this out because it's like being in an elevator with drunk sorority girls chattering their asses off the entire ride to the top of the Empire State building.

And then at night I find myself caught in an infinity scroll of doom in Youtube shorts. It's quick little hits of dopamine like this that cause me to not fall asleep at a decent time. I find myself taking naps at weird times, sleeping through alarms and having a general sense of discord towards the things that should matter in my own life for the sake of consuming content from others.

And this is problematic.

I don't feel good while consuming it, I find myself chainsmoking while just scrolling and trying to think of ways I could be in this workspace and how to break into shit like this.

Honestly…. I want to sorta be in this space, but the other side is I would REALLY rather not. I just need to get my own personal health in check. I'm not taking meds or doing treatments like I should be and the only person to blame is myself, yet I'm not changing what I'm doing to make this work. I need to get my diabetes in check, I need to stop smoking, I need to fix my fucking body, but I keep finding ways of avoiding it and then complaining about how much I hurt or how frustrated or defeated I am by it. I'm my own worst enemy and I need to stop.

So, I plan on just start cutting my "leisure internet" consumption back severely in an attempt of finding other ways of occupying my time and focusing on making better choices or getting those things I've constantly been putting off taken care of.

Here's hoping cause if this doesn't work, I really don't know what I'm going to do moving forward, if I can even move forward.

[defiantscribe]

Don't Repeat yourself

I was going to post a nice little blog about pain meds again, but when I saw my previous post and that it pretty much touched on all the points I made in this new post, I deleted the notepad. I can't keep repeating the same thing or it will have no power and will detract from the points being made.

But since I was already here, figured I'd post something. Had surgery, got pain meds, happy to have REAL meds, but very unhappy I need to quickly adjust so I can reserve what I have left for the REALLY bad moments.

Healthcare should not operate like this. I just wanna feel normal again.

[defiantscribe]

My Pain

So, this is going to be a little complain about my pain and how all of the doctors and specialists I see will refuse to give me a pain medication to help and the effects it's had on me.

I suffer from Type 2 diabetes and a condition called Hidradenitis suppurativa. Google's quick little blerb on it is this:

Hidradenitis suppurativa is a chronic inflammatory skin condition characterized by painful lesions such as deep-seated nodules, abscesses, skin tunnels, and fibrotic scars. These manifestations primarily emerge in intertriginous areas, notably the axillary, groin, perianal, perineal, and inframammary regions.

So this condition, as stated, is painful. There is no cure to this condition, only treatment, much like my diabetes. Now, diabetes in itself is not painful, but causes a lot of complications such as proper wound healing.

I had to have surgery on a large type of abcess on my buttocks ages ago, which left a rather large gash in my left buttock. So much it didn't heal right that I was put on a wound vac for the better part of half a year before they were able to remove it.

The wound has never healed, it's still there after almost 4 years. But more recently I had a flare up happen in that same region and had to have surgery to have setons laced through my flesh to keep the wounds open for drainage purposes and to supposedly promote healing and keeping the condition from causing more tunnels or problems.

Well, suffice it to say, it's painful. And because it's on my rump, sitting for super extended periods of time can be rather painful. Well, my condition keeps the hits rolling.

Most recently I've had this condition effect my groin area, causing all kinds of lesions and other issues around my inner thighs, testicle and penile area. The wounds are not healing/closing like they should, I've already been on a round of massive antibiotics as I had two bacterial infections at the same time. I have to dress the areas as they constantly leak body fluid, which in turn…. more pain.

Now, to give you some perspective: When I was on the big dose of antibiotics for the two infections, after a week, I was almost pain free. It was foreign to me. I almost didn't know how to properly function because I wasn't in pain for once. That's a fucking problem.

When I was having some post surgery pain, my surgeon did give me a small prescription for oxycodone, which helped me IMMENSLEY, however once that precription was done, I went back to him to get a refill and he basically told me to go die in a river. Started treating me like I was seeking heavy narcotics. No man, it hurts to sleep, I'd like a pain medication that can actually numb the pain enough so I can sleep. That's literally it, that's all I was looking for was a pain medication that could touch this pain and stop it so I could function like a normal member of society.

But, no. You're a drug seeking junkie who will OD by taking all 12 pills I give you. No bro, I take'em one at a time and only when necessary. Well, not good enough. I've talked to at least 4 other doctors about this and they all seem to think I'm some kind of whacked out pill popper that's looking to get high. I'm not looking to get high, I'm looking to get pain relief for even a brief moment in my life so I stop thinking about ending my own life to escape this never ending hell that is called pain.

But if I admit that I'm thinking of taking a dirt nap to any of these doctors, they won't give me what I'm asking for, they'll just get me committed and put on like a 72 hours observation before cutting me loose and now I have that bullshit on my record, making it even more difficult to get any kind of pain meds moving forward for the rest of my life. Thanks, but no.

So, instead, I self medicate. I eat ibuprofen and acetameniphine like they're fucking tic tacs, which is damaging the shit out of my liver and kidneys, but what else can I do? Alcohol numbs the pain temporarily, but I'd soon become a raging alcoholic because it'd take more and more to have the same effect. Nah, I'm okay not being an alcoholic.

So, I sit here, trying to find a solution to all of this and I got nothing. I know I need to be far more diligent with my diabetes treatments and need to quit smoking, but I shouldn't be in this level of pain because of those two elements. I just don't get it and I'm really really really tired of suffering.

Now, to clarify, yes, I have thought of "ending it all" to escape the pain, but real world versus fantasy? I'll never do that. I'd never do that to my wife, my children, my parents, my family or "friends". Yes, I want this to stop, yes I want it to not have the psychological effect on me I've been having anymore, but I could never put that kind of hurt on people I care about. I find it to be selfish. Now, if it's just a "matter of time" because of something terminal, that changes the conversation, but what I have isn't a terminal disease. Just uncurable. Doesn't mean it's going to kill me, just means it's not going away.

But this is my life currently and I just felt like complaining because I try to keep all of this kind of shit to myself, but some times it's just too damn much and I need to put it out to the universe where it can be outside of my head and my need to whine is satisfied.

I just wish more doctors in the U.S. weren't so piss fucking afraid of giving pain medications to patients because one time one guy decided to meet Jesus by taking all his pills at the same time. They're so afraid of having their reputation tarnished because one person might be "that guy". Well, the rest of us aren't like that, we're just suffering and need something more than Advil and Tylonol to cut the shit.

Now, as the reader might be rolling your eyes at all this, but when you have a condition that effects your quality of basic living, it's soul crushing. You know what I'd love to do? Bend over and pick something up off the floor without being in pain or moving as fast as a 80 year old. I'd love to climb the stairs without taking them one step at a time because it's minimal movement to cause pain. I'd love to go on a fucking WALK. I'd love to wear normal pants again, I haven't worn jeans since November of last year. I'd like to sit down and stand back up without having to brace myself on the arms of the chair as if my life depended on it. I'd like to be able to get in and out of car like a normal person instead of making it a whole production because of how much it hurts. I'd love to work on the outside of my house or even mow my yard. You don't realize how much you lose until you do and once you do, even simple things like sitting on the damn toilet become extra events.

It fucking sucks, it really does. I live my life in a constant state of pain and anxiety of pain. I feel fucking trapped and that fucks with my head. I just wanna rewind time about 18 years and clue my stupid young self into all the bullshit he'd be in store for if he didn't fix his bullshit.

Today is not a good day, but then again…. most days aren't, so this is par for the course. And it's fucked up that this is now "the new norm" for me. Shouldn't be the norm for anyone.

[defiantscribe]

Thanks again, gang

I think it's time to vent to Tumblr again, because I just can't seem to bring myself to talk about this kind of thing out loud or find someone beyond myself to give as much of a damn about it as I do.

Not that I would expect another to, but that's the rub: I care deeply about trying to find some sort of positive direction in my life, something to work towards, something to be happy or proud of and I just keep finding excuses to not and I'm tired of feeling like I'm the failure of the month, month after month, because I can't find enough motivation to stick with something and run it to the end.

I know that complaining like this will result in nothing, but sometimes it's simply a matter of putting thought to paper (or text) that will allow me to let it go. I have a tendency to hold onto things that shouldn't matter or be a matter of being important, but I can't seem to let them go like it's almost a personal slight.

It's not a personal slight, but it's hard to not take things personally sometimes.

Let me regale you with a small story that recently happened just to illustrate this point.

So I host gaming nights weekly, have been for roughly 4 years now and sometimes the sessions will go long, sometimes the sessions go only a couple of hours. All depends on the vibe, the people playing, lots of factors.

Well, the other evening I had two of my good IRL friends playing and we had a player we'd only known online that we wanted to move away from and just play the 3 of us. So we wrangled a way to do so and we joined a VC and it was just us. I was super happy to hang out and have those two with me, but suddenly I wasn't.

One of my friends has been having some pretty heavy life issues and they started talking with the other friend at great length about their issues.

Now, this is not a problem. I know they needed to get all of that bullshit they're dealing with out and talk about it, I get that, but what sucked was that I was third wheeled HARD. And it wasn't until almost an hour later that one of them even acknowledged that maybe they'd third wheeled me.

Wouldn't have been a major thing, but we were all on cam, so they could see me. They could see me just sitting there, in silence, listening to their conversation with no interjection. I had tried to start a game 10 minutes after we switched, the invite went ignored as the conversation they were having continued.

I eventually gave up on trying to play a game and just kind of did my own thing by watching youtube shorts and other things while they went back and forth. Even got to the point where I considered hard booting my PC and acting like I had a power bump just to get out of the situation because clearly I wasn't a part of this, even though I was the one who initiated and made this happen so I could hang out with my friends.

But then my friends sidebarred me and only saw me after I got up, went to the bathroom and then came back looking all bored. And the best part was even after acknowledging me, they both went to the bathroom themselves, leaving me there by myself…. again.

Now, this just sucked. They both "apologized", but I felt it was half hearted like I should just be accepting of it. And I don't feel that way. I don't feel like I did anything to warrant that treatment, especially since they both know my issues with being shut out like that in the past and having trust issues because of it, but it also dawns on me that perhaps I'm taking this too personally.

And it's troubling because I feel like I was ignored by people that were suppose to be there for me, but my one friend needed someone beyond me to listen to them.

I don't know man, it just sucked and did nothing more than drum up old feelings of "I'm in this alone". I was really trying to move past that in life, I've held on to that mentality for a long long time and it's taken a small force of nature to get me past that type of thinking, but then something like this happens and only seems to confirm that I was right all along.

My friend even said they had nothing to keep them here in our home town and that stung. Like I didn't matter enough to them when I've offered my home to them and it just drove home the feeling of "no one will really be there for you". And I've been struggling with that old, toxic feeling for the past 3 days now and I'm mad.

I'm fucking mad. I hate this feeling. I hate that I'm made to feel like I don't matter that much. Not that it's their responsibility to make me feel any way, but Jesus….. you could at least make me not feel like less than dirt on the ground in your personal opinion. And then I turn around and give justification to their actions, saying I understand their treatment of me in that moment, but I'm getting to the point where I really need to stop that type of thinking because honestly…. that's victim mentality. Finding justification for mistreatment. They were just having a bad day, they didn't mean it, etc. etc.

I've been a sympathizer in that respect for a LONG time, there was a point in my life where I wasn't, but it's gotten to a point where I need to stop accepting that kind of treatment and just deal with the fallout of walking away or snubbing those who would snub me.

I used to be far more aggressive in things like this, but I've gotten soft and decided being a people pleaser was the right path for me. Perhaps I need to not go that route anymore and need to start stomping on feet of those who decide to step out of line and expect me to just roll over and accept it.

Maybe I just need to disappear and re-evaluate what it all means for me and maybe do something else for a change. I mean, I've been doing this for 4 years now and it's almost become expected, not appreciated. Maybe these people need to find something else to do too. I just am tired of feeling like the effort I put forth is expected. Well, it's not. It's what I want to do, not because of you, but because I want to.

It's a sticky situation that needs some evaluation. Time to maybe put what I need to do before I give a fuck about what others want from me. Been a hot minute since I've done that, truthfully.

Just keeps feeling like all the effort, all the work, everything I keep trying just keeps leading back to the same damn conclusion. Wasn't that the definition of insanity? No, that was keep trying the same thing expecting different results. I'm trying different things, but keep getting the same result: Suck eggs, bro.

I don't even like eggs, fuck your eggs.

[defiantscribe]

Haven't Complained in a Bit

Hi Internet, it's me again. I know I said I'd be doing a second part to my last entry, but ran into something else that I just felt the need to complain about because…. well…. who's gonna stop me?

So, I'm one of these goobers that gets sucked into YouTube Short videos. It's like TikTok (I assume, I've never actually used the service), but just YouTube shit. And so I'm watching videos when this little gem crosses my screen:

Now, to start off…. I was never a fan of this song. I understand it was a thing for the people who recorded it as a tribute to Notorious BIG, however all it was to me was a remix/cover of the creepy stalker song by The Police.

I was not a fan of Notorious BIG, I was not a fan of Tupac. They had some decent songs, but nothing in my book that was "worship" level that when they both passed away, it sucked, but wasn't life effecting for me.

So you get this shot in this video that states:

Xennials and Gen X every time they hear this song. And the girl is all sad and teary. No. I am from that generation and that is not how I feel. How I feel is "OMG, this song. CHANGE!" and change the radio channel or hit the skip button.

This song was over saturated on the air and just was hammered to death. It's not a bad song, but all the bullshit behind it and hearing it just about every other song for MONTHS on end took it's toll.

With this all said, what got me heated enough to actually sit down, start typing and post this was the comments.

So many fucking comments about how it was played at so and so's funeral, how they can't listen to this song without crying because "Biggie", etc.

Oh my god, this song literally doesn't hold that kind of water for me. I can listen to that song and the only thing I feel is irritated. But they hold a candle to it for "Biggie".

And it got me thinking, most people hold candles for songs or deceased artists when they really didn't put anything out that was all that "wow". Now, that's not to say that Biggie or Tupac didn't put out good music or songs that weren't notable, but they weren't the next coming of Christ. They didn't reinvent anything, they didn't pioneer anything, they simply died at the peak of their popularity, which in turn got me thinking of other artists like that. Kurt Cobain, Janice Joplin, Jimmy Hendrix. Held with such high esteem, but should they? Sure, they weren't shit artists, but to treat them like Gods when they simply died early in life?

I swear this is me getting old, but I don't get it. Sucks they died, but to put them on a pedestal and suck their ghost dicks (for lack of a better term) is just a bit much and it's like…. dial it back guys, for real.

That's it, complaining satisfied. Thanks again Internet, you'll always understand/listen to me. lol

[defiantscribe]

As Good a Place as Any

As I knock on the door of a potentially unchangeable future, I figured why not write like I used to for all and no one to see?

Hi, Kats here.  Even though this place and multiple other locations scattered around the internet have my moniker of "Defiant Scribe", it's only because some people have happened to skirt my actual moniker and it's REALLY hard to get back and I just haven't gone through the paces to make an account like "KamikazeKatsREAL" or something corny like that.

I've decided to pick up blogging, something I used to like doing, again because for the next couple of months, I'm going to attempt to be fairly radio silent with all of those I've made friends with online because I need to change some rather bad habits I've developed.

First, binge drinking on Friday and Saturday nights.  Now, I will admit those were the ONLY nights I got like this, but I've had more instances of blackout drunk than I think I should and to waste my entire weekend recovering from hangovers or still being drunk when I wake up hours later is no way to operate in life.  Not only that, but then to do it AGAIN on Saturday and then spend my almost entire Sunday in bed and piss my entire free time away recovering has become problematic. Luckily for me, that has never spilled over into the week.  I've tried having a beer here and there, but it just doesn't feel right.  Not quite sure, but I'm glad I have that feeling.  Have a potential for abuse of the shit and it has not ever been something I had an inherent feeling I needed to feel like.

I've known alcoholics in all stages.  From what I am, to those who drink daily, to those who get drunk daily, to those who are drunk by 10 a.m. to those who have to drink because they will get the DTs and literally can't function otherwise.  I'm a weekend warrior like those who fly from LA to Vegas on Friday, fly back on Sunday and resume life till the end of the week.  Lather, Rinse, Repeat.  Sure, done right and in moderation, fun, but in excess constantly you're running the risk of it snowballing into something more.  Thankfully, it hasn't hit that stage and I'm doing my best to not let it.

But, this break wasn't designed to break me away from my blackout weekends, though a happy by-product.  This break was designed to get me to stop treating my type-2 diabetes as something that is "managed" by me just not eating so much sugar and taking my insulin every now and then. 

I'm suppose to be taking this shit daily and for the past like 3 weeks, I've been REALLY religious and good about doing so.  I've seen my numbers in the 100s in the morning, which is where they need to constantly live, but I will take any small victory I can at this point.  I've seen the mildest of changes, which doesn't lend itself to making me creating this as a habit, but when I have an A1C that is in the "you're gonna lose a limb or go fucking blind" levels, you tend to stop acting like you're invincible and take stock in the fact that maybe.... just maybe.... you need to stop fucking around because you will find out and that shit is more permanent than a tattoo.

Had to actually have a toenail removed because it was deemed better to have it removed to let a mild infection happening with that toe heal because the toenail was kind of in the way of it releasing anything that might want out because it was trapped by the toenail.  Kind of a bummer, but I'll gladly lose a toenail instead of a toe.... or my foot.... or half my leg.

And losing that toenail was a real turning point.  Not because now I don't have a toenail, I could honestly care less, but the fact that I had to voluntarily lose a part of my body in order to not lose more parts of my body.  And that.... was on me.  I could have very easily prevented that situation from happening had I actually been a responsible individual and listened to my doctors and stuck with my medication regime.  But instead, I thought I knew better, thought I knew my body better and this was the result.

Again, so much better than losing digits or limbs, but who knows how far that stage might be?  With my sugars out of whack, my A1C in the danger zone and my feeling that I knew better than medical professionals, I think I needed something to happen.  Thank God it was the minimal amount of anything that could happen, but I know I'm not even close to being out of the woods, so I have to stick to the main focus of taking my diabetic medications regularly.  Next is trying to adjust my diet, which will come, but a step at a time.  Have to walk before we run, right?

Speaking of, I need to go take my insulin. Don't know why I'm typing this out, but feels like I should.  Actually, I do know why I'm typing it and will elaborate when I get back. brb.

Though you wouldn't know unless I told you, took longer to try and adjust this homeless looking beard I sport these days.  Looks better being cropped down a bit, not gonna lie.  Plus, I still got a beard.  I'll friggin take it.

But, to elaborate on the reason I'm typing more like I'm having a one-sided conversation with you (the reader.... lol, 'reader') is because I'm also trying to test to see if while I'm gone for these next 2 months if anyone gives enough of a fuck to actually reach out to me through other means other than discord or Steam to see how I might be doing.  Plenty of friends have my direct contact information, but I want to see if while I'm gone if any of them will actually put forth the effort to see how I'm doing or if our friendship begins and ends when I'm online.

I feel that sometimes I make sure I'm available for everyone, but when I need someone, it's a bit "too bad, so sad, maybe next time" and even in my 40s, that sucks.  It's already hard enough to make friends as an adult, I don't need to continually relive my high school years well into adulthood.  Feeling like those who you thought would give a damn act like they don't burns a little and I get spiteful because of it.  Had one last huzzah this weekend as a means of trying out the latest Jackbox pack and spending one last weekend with my "friends" before going AFK for some time.

Friday night was OK, but still nothing like it's been in the past.  Saturday?  Was like trying to squeeze blood from a stone.  Then, to polish it off, around 2 a.m. my time, I see three people I'd love to have come and played in a different server, playing a different game and not coming to hang out with me.  Now, I'm an overly sensitive bitch, but I'm not gonna talk to any of these people until they talk to me, so to have them know I'm going away for awhile and not at least giving me that time of day kinda stung, but.... I need to learn to let that kind of shit go, but it's REALLY hard because whenever they're ready to go, so am I.... guess turnabout is not fair play, it's whenever they feel like it.

This is only part one of what I want to write, however my brain is getting muddled and don't think I can do the next part I want to talk about justice, so I'm going to wrap this up for now and continue more when the itch to write strikes again.

Define the irony of what I typed merely a paragraph ago to what I'm doing right now. 

Hot mess doesn't begin to describe me. <3

[defiantscribe]

Feeling Lost

As the title implies, I'm feeling lost these past few days and it's culminated in me having to write because my brain is just too busy and I'm tired of depression napping.

So, Monday I decided that I didn't want to work so I took a "mental health day" and just decided to sleep in and bum around. Pretty normal for me to do about once a month, twice depending on stress levels. But it also stems from the fact that I'm not enjoying my job. Now, this doesn't mean I hate my job, but I've said it time and again and I'll say it again: I hate having to work.

Work sucks, plain, simple, to the point. I don't like the idea of having to do something for someone else to earn money to just live. I understand that's how the world works, doesn't mean I have to like it. Lately, my biggest complaint with my job is the people calling in and what I feel is them feigning ignorance when it comes to certain things with computers.

I understand there are certain things they aren't going to be well versed in, especially the more elderly people within the org, however it's when I get the 20 something's calling in and acting as if they've never touched a computer in their life and I have to walk them through simple fucking tasks on a computer or getting pushback when I'm attempting to troubleshoot. "Oh I already tried that". Oh really? You're trying it again so I KNOW you did it instead of you pretending you did it because you think you know better.

It's a constant battle with these bankers. I'm not working with the general public (thank fucking god), but it's about as bad some days. The worst is the need for audit paper trails. Anything these people need typically requires a request be filled out as a papertrail back to the need/request. I get it, I just think it's dumb when one team fucks it up and requires the user to do this when they shouldn't have had to in the first place.

So that was Monday.

Monday night we had a pretty bitchin rainstorm pass through our area. Tuesday morning, I get woken up by my son well before my usual wake up time and open my front door to see one of my fucking trees diagonally across my yard. Now, don't get me wrong, was super happy it didn't hit my house, my car or was even in the street, but I now have a very LARGE problem in my front yard.

Contact a tree removal service and spend more than I was comfortable with to have it cut into pieces and removed. Stressed the entire day about the cost of the removal, but they did a good job, gathered up all the bits and hauled it away.

Come Tuesday night, wife comes home after taking son out practice driving and says something's wrong with the car. About to have a spaz, when I ask if she had been running the AC in the car. Running the AC does have a tendency to tax the car's system and cause it to act different. She says yes, so I chalk it up to that.

Wednesday.

First day of school for my kids, so I get up extra early to get my son to school so he can catch a bus to a vocational school as those are where his morning classes are. Get in the car, turn it over, immediately see that it was NOT the AC causing the issue. Something is definitely wrong with my car. Can't really come to full stops as it feels like it's going to die. Get my son to school just fine, come back home, call up my boss and say I'm out again today as I have to get this resolved as it's the only vehicle we have and can't be without.

Spend the morning attempting to call mechanics, but after a few no answers, find a place that says I can bring it by Thursday afternoon and they'll take a look and then talk price. I say fine, but can only imagine what the price tag of this shit is going to be.

Now, I don't have much in the way of savings, but what we did have is quickly being exhausted by all of this BULLSHIT currently happening and I'm losing my fucking mind. Make my appointment, schedule with others to help get my son to school and meet me at the mechanics tomorrow so I can get a ride home, but JFC, I'm so fucking stressed out I took a fucking 5 hour depression nap today because I just could not deal with this. I'm up typing at 2:37 a.m. because I just have to get all of this out of my head, put somewhere because any time I'm looking for sympathy, no one's there and what sympathy I get has the vibe of "oh well, least it's not me, sorry it's happening to you, but not my problem" and that burns.

I just feel like life is doing it's damnedest to try fuck me over and it's getting the best of me right now. And then I'm questioning my direction in life. I'm fast approaching that midlife crisis, but I'm trying to find a way to make it far more…. productive than me getting a fancy car or some other stupid shit.

I've always said family first, work second. I'm starting to feel like I'm going to flip that here soon as my children are far more independent, they're not in sports or musical academics so much anymore and the need to have that kind of flexibility is waned. My wife drives now, so going places isn't dependent upon me, so I have far more ability to not be relied upon for certain things in life and with my son learning to drive, it's going to become even less.

It's hard for me to potentially change my pattern (I have to have some ADHD or Aspergers or something), but I feel like I may have to abandon some of my more favored habits to put change in my life that is necessary. I don't want to, but if I continue this pattern, I'm doing no favors to my family for the most part (or so I believe).

I just really needed to get all of this out as it just sits in my head, stewing like a pot of sauce that never finishes. And not really having anyone beyond my wife, who's going through the same paces, stinks, so I just put it here for anyone to read. No one will, but it helps me at least release it as if someone really wants to know, I can point them here and don't have to go into grand detail from point zero with them.

Life, please, things have been quiet and they've been good, I don't need sand in the face, it's not helping.

[defiantscribe]

The Birthday Post

As I'm only two weeks away from turning yet another year older, I figured it was time to write all those reflective thoughts out and try to make some sense of it all as time continues to roll forward.

So, turning 43 in two weeks.  Not a milestone, not a big deal, pretty much more of the same as far as birthdays go, yet here I find myself, needing to write in some desperate means of trying to make sense of who I am, what I'm doing and where I go from here.

As I age, I understand more and more the whole reason dudes have a "mid life crisis".  I don't think I'm there yet, but I'm walking closer to it and feeling what it can be like. To break it down, my life is fairly lack luster.  I don't do exciting things, I don't have hobbies or passions, I just am.  I exist.  I have responsibilities and I handle those by going to work, but even those are starting to be questioned by me.  And they shouldn't because I have no backup, I have nothing saved to fall back on.  I goof up, everyone around me is fucked.  And that's bad.  But it's becoming increasingly more difficult to go through the motions of it all.  Day in, day out, same as it ever was.  

So, what does one do when they get here?  Most people would find something to do, something to occupy their time or calm their busy minds with something pleasurable to help them re-evaluate and re-focus.  I don't have that.  I quite literally find no extreme happiness in anything.  I don't like outdoor activities, I keep talking about music and video making, but I'd sooner sleep or watch television than actively engage in anything.  Can't blame depression anymore, I'm so medded up that I shouldn't be like I am and yet.... here we are.

Don't perceive this as me complaining about my life.  I have a loving wife, I have great and well behaved children, I have a home and food to eat.  I have it very good, but as a human, I'm selfish and want more.  More easement?  More something. Worst part is that I don't know what it is I want.  I don't know what I should pursue, I don't know what I should pour my efforts into to find personal fulfillment.  And that's why I write.  Nothing will ever come of it, barely anyone sees the shit I write and I'm okay with that.  I mean, yeah, I want people to relate, but I don't need acceptance or validation for what I write.  I write to express what I feel.  The only emotion I seem to show anymore is anger.  Not in dangerous levels or anything like that, but I don't laugh nearly as much as I used to, don't smile nearly as much, don't feel like all is right and things will be okay.

And that's why I sleep.  Sleep, to me, is my best escape from everything. I slept 6 hours today because I didn't feel like dealing with anything, didn't wanna watch TV, didn't want to work, didn't want to do absolutely anything.  Climbing under the covers, assuming as close to a fetal position I can anymore and drifting away into my brain is what I love anymore.  And that's not healthy or productive.  And I know this.  I need something else, but every time I get close to be arsed with it, I go cozy up under the covers and drift away.  Then I wake up and feel guilty for wasting so much time ignoring the world.

So, this is my letter to universe.  I know I beg for a lot, I ask for a lot from you, thinking I will get the perfect answer to all my questions, but honestly, let's be honest:  You give no fucks about me as I am just bacteria in the grand scheme of it all.  I can honestly say I don't care of the hopes or dreams of bacteria, so I get why you let me scream into the void and hope for answers, but if this is one of those unique times that I'm under the microscope and am actually seen, please.... give me some kind of inspiration to take myself in a direction that leads to better habits, better mindsets and a better person.

Who knew that "growing up" would just be a massive game of "wing it" for 60 years?

[defiantscribe]

Trying to Grow The F#$% up

As the title suggests, I'm here to be a weirdly petty dummy about things that I should have moved past ages ago, but even in my 40s, can't seem to let go.

So let's go.

In the last few weeks, I've felt "off".  Nothing bad has happened, but nothing great has happened either.  Things have been good and OK.  And that's problematic.  Or so I like to think.  The constant repeating pattern is nice, but it also leads to an ever growing need to "mix it up".

I don't know why I feel the need to try and be poetic or edgy or whatever that bullshit up top is, it's truth, but I tried to dress it up.  I did, I tried to make it seem more interesting than it really is.  And with this paragraph, I decided to not only call myself out on my bullshit, but also let the words flow a bit more organically, like I'm used to writing.

So, let's get to the growing up bit of this.

Over the past 2 to 2-and-a-half years, I've been hosting a casual gaming night for a gaming community I'm a part of.  And for the most part, it's been a pretty decent time and something others have come to expect or join in on each week.  I like seeing my "regulars" and trying to make each other laugh or just good natured rib each other while intoxicated or "inebriated" in another way.

However, it's gotten to a point where it feels like more of the same, just going through the paces rather than having a good time.  Now, the drag with it is that it's not the people's fault.  It's the games we can play.  For the most part, we play Jackbox games, but have a few other social games we play.  Those are: Use your Words, Rifftrax, What the Dub, Skribbl.io, and Golf With Your Friends. Golf is a different animal as it's more of a clicking game, but the drag is that it only has a handful of stock maps and the majority of workshops maps, while fun, aren't all that "wow". And it's golf, it's hit the ball in the hole.

The games from Jackbox and the others are mostly word based games, some are drawing games, others have their own unique twists, but the problem that arises from these games is that they don't update (beyond Rifftrax), so you run into a lot of the same questions or prompts and you get the same recycled answers, the same "adult" jokes or something else to that effect.  And while it can be funny, it can also be.... boring.

I will get to the growing up part soon, swear.

I've tried to garner interest from others to join in, to bring different answers, different perspectives, different experiences, but it's been a rough go for the most part. But, again, I like playing with my regulars and the problem I've run into lately (or so I think) is that many of the people I WANT to play have had no time for the games or to hang out.  I had a few friends semi-ghost me and it got me pretty butthurt.  I was eventually able to get them to respond back to me and let me know things were OK and they were OK, but it stung to go through that yet again.

As you know, I have trust issues, especially in the friend department.  To nutshell this: I make friends, we're besties for a short period of time, then I usually get hard ghosted and never really have contact with them again.  I've tried with a few, but it never fleshes out.  My last holdout was my best friend from 1st grade that was my friend for about 25 years.

But, after not getting invited to his wedding, I asked him WTF and he gave me a lame excuse as I'd just become a dad and "probably wouldn't be able to make it." Doesn't matter, still extend the invite. Let me know you wanted me there, even if I can't make it.  I gave you that courtesy, or I like to think I did (I might not have as everyone said to not pressure you into being my best man because it was your senior year of college and I was getting married during finals on the other side of the country). If I slighted you, Robert, I'm sorry. Know that. You'll never see this, but if by some oddly weird chance you do, know that I wanted you there, but out of respect to your education and efforts toward your degree, I didn't want to pressure you to choose between me and your education.

Now, that said, I did invite you to my local reception back in our home state and you blew me off to go catch paddlefish.  Every old man told me that getting the opportunity to do that is "a big deal", so I let it slide, but it still sucked.  Then I got to meet the girl you married, once, while you were still dating.  And that was the last time I saw you.

That was about 15 years ago. I have a son in high school now, a daughter in junior high and you have two girls of your own (from what little I could find of you online as you don't have much of any online presence). Your parents live a few blocks from me still, I know you've come back to town in those 15 years.  I haven't moved, my phone number hasn't changed, don't know why you don't reach out, but readers..... this is what I'm talking about.

That scenario, while not exact, is how ALL friendships I've made have ever gone.  Beyond my wife, my buddy Pete, my friend Tony and my buddy Chris, that has been how every friendship in my life has rolled.  We become friends, we're great for awhile, then..... done.  No more contact, no more friends and it really, really sucks.

Coming back, I have a couple of online friends who have been trying to help me get beyond that constant fear that being friends is going to lead to this kind of thing yet again, however they're the two friends that semi-ghosted me.  And all my brain could think, all my brain can think, is that it's gonna happen AGAIN. I'm going to go all in on a friendship and I'm gonna get dusted.

Which then got me thinking, are they really my friends or are they just "people I know and am friendly with"?  A rotten thing to say as I do consider them to be friends, but another pattern I've noticed with friendships I have is that it's usually about getting something from me or out of me.  Sure, some of those friendships have been about being friends, but the vast majority of friendships I remember end up being one of "I need something from you so I can be friendly as a means to an end."  And some friendships have blossomed from there once they see that I'm not THAT bad of a person, but once that goal or need has been met with some, it's like.... Yeah, I'm done.

People grow apart, I get it, but I feel like everyone's grown away from me with no one who's stuck around for the long haul.  I have my wife and she's been here the longest.  If anything happened between us, I don't want to think about or even put out to the universe what would happen to me.

Regardless, it's now put me in a place where I want to test if people give a shit about me or simply give a shit about me hosting games on a weekly basis.  And this is where me saying I need to grow up comes into play. Because this shit.... is petty. It's dumb, but it's like I won't be satisfied with anything but a test of this.  The two I talked about earlier, I was genuinely worried about them.  One has some pretty gnarly medical conditions and the other has parents with bad medical shit, so when they go radio silent for a long time, to me, that means something IRL has taken more importance and needs attention.

And that's acceptable, but I'd like to know because I do care about you and want to know if things are okay or not.  I don't need details, I don't need a timeline, I just need to know shit's gone sideways and you are okay and if you're not, that you can talk to me about it. That's all I want, to know you're not fucking dead.

And when I was semi-ghosted for 2 weeks, I started shutting down again and got like this.  And now I have to see if people really give a fuck about me or just what I can do for them.  So, I've taken myself off Discord and Steam this week, with no contact on either platform.  Those who might give a damn have other means of getting in touch with me (text, fb messenger, twitter), but we'll see if they even notice I'm not there or just business as usual.

And that's childish. I know it, but I can't help it.  I want to not care, but when you feel like the entire world gives literally no fucks about you, you grasp onto those little bits in a desperate attempt to have SOMETHING.  And that's what this is for me.  I don't want it to be, but honestly.... I just don't want to be burned anymore.  I'm gonna roast for eternity in Hell, I have plenty of time for burns, I'd like to not suffer while on the mortal plane.

This turned into some shit I wasn't expecting it to, but I'm just so tired of being overly sensitive to shit that has nothing to do with me, but I still turn back on myself like I'm fucking 15 again.  I'm already old, when will I finally get that "fuck it all" mentality and can leave everyone who doesn't want to have anything to do with me alone and be OK with that.

I needed this, it's been awhile and even if it's the same old tired shit, it's what's rattling around in my skull and needs some outlet because until it's said, it's just chewing at the back of my brain DAILY.

As a last thought: if either of you two stumble across this post, please know this isn't meant to call you out or anything like that.  I just can't say these things directly to you because it would more than likely drive a non-existent wedge in between us (or so I believe) and I've already self-sabotaged enough shit in my life. I just need to spill my feelings out in a safe method with minimal chance of blowback.  Only thing 100% is to not say anything, but I just.... can't.  I can't.  I can't keep this in forever, it hurts, it makes me manic, it makes me ask why.  There's never an answer to why.  I can get one, but it's one of an infinite possibilities.

Just know that 99% of this is myself being inside my own head and driving myself this bonkers, but that 1% remains.  Love you all, just know that too.

[defiantscribe]

Disconnection?

You’ve read my previous posts, you know this will likely be more of the same, but with a different suggestion?

I’ve been trying to figure out what exactly it is that I need in my life for awhile now.... “awhile”, that’s an understatement.  I’ve been trying to figure this out for a LONG time and honestly, I feel no closer to an answer than I was 18 years ago.

I’ve been having a real hard time giving much of a damn at my job lately, feels fruitless and more like keeping the corporate machine moving than changing anything.  Sure, we all need those services or people to stay the course for our lives to move forward, but is that all we are to one another?

I don’t want to be famous, I’d like to be well off so I could do whatever piqued my interest, but outside of that, I just want to exist with minimal stress as I’m not looking to reinvent the world or it’s ideals.  I just want to exist, provide, SURVIVE.

But I don’t want to do it at someone else’s behest.  I am always more than willing to help, but I pick and choose who gets that, I shouldn’t have to help everyone because of some unwritten rule or obligation.  There are shit people out there in this world and I should reserve the right to help them or let them pound sand.

But, this strays from the title of this entry.  Disconnection.  Honestly, I think I need to make an effort to distance myself from any sort of online interactions for a bit.  It’s come to my attention that my weekly pattern is exactly that: a pattern.  Another pattern, like my work week, has taken root. 

Now, I like a pattern, kinda gives structure to life, but honestly.... if it deviates, even a little, I get all kind of bent out of shape and that’s.... not healthy. Life itself is a series of adjustments on the fly.  But I have a set pattern I like.  Drink, game, talk late into the night.  If that doesn’t happen, I’m kind of a shitbag for the rest of the weekend. Even more, if I drink too much trying to chase that end, I’m absolutely useless on Saturday and my entire weekend is damn near shot because.... I drink again on Saturday night.

And if things go awry on the weekend, I spend the first half the week with a pseudo case of FOMO that effects my sleep patterns, my thinking, my attention, it’s a hot mess.  And there’s nothing I can do, it’s not anyone’s fault, but my basketcase swiss cheese brain will not let me shake it because I don’t know... I empathize with myself too much?  I’m stupid selfish and throw tantrums like a toddler?  Probably both.

So, coming back, I’m thinking of taking a break here in the near future from my usual pattern of weekend activities as I think I need some variety in my life to pull me out of this pattern indused funk I’ve been living in.  If I don’t, I’ll just keep on doing what I’ve always done and get intoxicated, sleep most of my weekend away, feel like a complete shitheel for not getting anything done and go back to work on Monday.

It’s got to change or I swear my brain will literally shut off out of sheer frustration of pattern.  I’ve heard the saying, I think it was Einstein, something to the tune of: the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting a different results.

Definitely feeling that shit right about now.

[defiantscribe]

Troofs

I find that my need to write arises as I feel that my only reason for being is to simply provide something to others, while I serve no purpose myself.

Welcome, one and all, to my own little pity party.  We have warm drinks, cold snacks and like 4 balloons full of air.  A droll experience abounds!

I just am really tired of all the shit I feel like is happening in my life right now and the worst part is that I've tried to learn how to be more expressive, more vocal about my frustrations to others and it was made almost abundantly clear by all sources I use for venting to basically shut the fuck up and quit complaining so much.

And that cut.  So much so I've spent the majority of my evening just staring off into space, trying to see if I can keep trying to progress with expression, but dial it back enough to not "get on people's nerves" and I don't think there's honestly a happy medium place.  

I'm unhappy with my job; I'm trying to do something about it, but it's not happening fast enough, so I complain.  I know y'all have issues too, but I mean.... I was basically publicly shamed in MY OWN DISCORD CHANNEL.   The one I made, not one I frequent, MINE.  Not only is that brazen, but fuck you.... that's MY space to do as I see fit and you call me out.  

I'm over analyzing everything like I'm in fucking high school again.  Got a friend who usually hangs out with me late at night, but this past weekend, they connected with one of our mutual friends and at one point while we were all still sorta chatting I got a side note of basically "fuck off".  The dialog was me asking "then wtf am I doing?" and the answer was "hanging? idk, go to sleep?" My response was "oof", but that last line was hit in a bad way.  I know I monopolize their time and have no control over their life or who they give their attention to, but it stung.  And trying to get out of that trust hole I've dug myself into over the years, it didn't help.

But again, it's me.  It's my own thought pattern, it's my own self depreciation, it's my own self worth that keeps getting in the way and I have no idea how to get beyond that.  Regardless of what I do, how I do it, it will never be good enough to me.  I will never be good enough.  I'll be "enough", but not good enough.

I've become so jaded with myself I can't even take compliments.  I think people are just trying to be nice, not actually being nice.  I feel like if anyone has anything nice to say about me, it's not truthful. It's more.... courtesy, social politeness, not genuine.  And I know it's not true, but my screwed up brain doesn't let me NOT see that.  I feel like I've been at odds with the world for so long that I still am when I'm not.

I find myself sleeping more and more, don't know if it's depression sleeping, but it's the only time I get to be by myself and nothing in the world seems to be fucking up, so I retreat to my own dreamless headspace to grab a moment of levity.  Or at least that's what my brain is saying right now as I type this, lord knows why I actually do it.

All I can really hope for is that one day I'll stop acting like a friggin basketcase and maybe smile again without having to be 3 sheets to the wind or high as a kite.  

Old people goals, I suppose.

[defiantscribe]

The Full Moon

It always seems to hit me right around the time a full moon happens.... the introspective turn.

Honestly, I want to write about the things eating away at me, but I guess I don't know what exactly is eating away at me.

I'm a bit disappointed that I have no one but empty space to bounce this off. And it doesn't really bounce as it just floats away like a Star Wars monologue.

I feel disconnected, I feel alone, I feel frustrated, I feel that if I'm not the one to make the first move, no one else will take the leap.  That's mostly about my family and their lack of want to upkeep the house. I can't be the only one who wants a clean home, but it certainly feels like that.  Fuck this keyboard, I'm gonna sit at my desk.

I'm completely tired of my job.  I'm now playing the lottery more often in hopes that any sizable win will allow me to walk away because I'm tired of working.  I don't want to be someone's errand boy anymore.  I have no skillset that would allow me to quit what I'm doing and work from home or be my own boss, so the only true solution is a large windfall coming my way.

I'm just so tired of feeling like I put forth an effort and it's just par for the course. That nothing changes, nothing improves, it all just stays the same.  And sometimes that's nice, but when it's all that ever happens, it's bland; boring.

I know I'm not alone, but fuck if it doesn't feel that way on nights like these.  I mean, christ, I'm having what can only be seen as a one sided conversation with a notepad and we call all see how THAT'S going....

I try to make videos for the entertainment of my friends or maybe others who might stumble across them, but seriously, it feels fruitless.  I get a chuckle here, a tiny bit of feedback there, but for the most part.... 10 views is about my top cap.  Guess that YouTube career just ain't gonna shake out.

Unlike some of my friends, I don't have that natural charisma.  I would struggle selling a bucket of water to someone on fire.

And that's my life. In it's rotted little nutshell.  I choose to not change, yet I want change. When I reach for change, the effort seems to be more than I'm willing to put forth, so I complain.  I whine and hope that my whimpering will somehow instigate some sort of change, when I know full well that it won't do dick.  And yet, I still do it.

Forty and I'm still no closer to "being an adult" than I was 20 years ago.  I go through the paces, but make no plans, have no master plan, I have nothing and I use simple escapes to find tinges of happiness. And maybe that's all I can do, but even those tinges are wearing thin and I'll be right back where I always am: by myself, introspective, feeling sorry for myself. And it's getting tired. I'm tired of it, but I don't think I'll ever change it.

And any time a change might come my way, I somehow find a way to goof it up.  I'm just so tired of being my own worst enemy.  I'm tired of my job.  I'm tired of feeling like my life has thusly amounted to being a source of financial stability and minor home repair. I feel like I should be more, but I feel it's getting too late in the game to turn that corner and I'm just gonna continue rolling down the hill to the open chasm that will eventually be my final destination.

Stupid medications, you're suppose to not make me feel like this.  Yet here I am, bothering strangers for attention and writing to myself in a feeble attempt to make myself feel better.

Quite honestly, this used to be therapeutic, now it just feels fucking sad.  Even writing has started to do me dirty.  My last bastion; et tu?

Whatever, no one's gonna read this trite anyways or even sympathize or honestly give a fuck.  So I'm going to go back to reviewing my Jackbox videos, highlighting what I consider funny content and then posting it for those 10 views.  At least I can have that level of impact in this crusty world.

[defiantscribe]

The pendulum swings low again

The one thing that I hate the most while I'm sitting alone, late at night, besides being lonely, is that it causes me to over think and get deeper into my head than I really want to.

So, this is odd as I'm typing this on a wireless keyboard from an armchair with the notepad text size being HUGE. regardless of the medium or the means, it's still time for me to type out what's rattling around in my head as it seems to be the only real therapy that works well for me.

Which is funny as I have a therapist appointment in the morning, but talking to a doctor isn't the same as writing here.  sure, she challenges me to think about the things I say and how to process them, but it doesn't keep the pendulum from swinging like it does.  

Normally, I can handle what comes my way and deal with the daily grind with out too much effort, but I only let her know what I want her to know and refrain from letting her delve too deep or truly psychoanalyzing me to death.  I have issues, I have issues that I CHOOSE to not bring to the table as they are things that surely will need to be dealt with, but I'm dealing with them in my own way.  I don't need her help or rather I don't want her input on the situation, so they keep out of the conversation.

Now, don't get me wrong, I still tell her 90% of what's going on, but I have things that just don't need to have outside input.  I know if sounds stupid, it even seems almost counterproductive towards working out everything, but the things I refrain from are deep feelings that I'm unsure of and want to find those answers on my own.

But, changing gear from that, the pendulum. right now I'm in that headspace where I just feel like i'm a robot, that my only function is to serve and it sucks.  I hate when I get like this.  I just feel isolated and alone and I don't reach out because of my trust issues.  I want to reach out, I want to try, but after being spurned so many times, I feel like if I try like I want to, I'll cause the rift that often develops between me and others and I'm SOOOO FUCKING TIRED of not being able to keep people in my life, even if they're not "in my life".

so, instead of trying, I do this.  I type out my thoughts without interruption and listen to strange rock music.  I'm listening to an all girl Japanese band called Bandmaid right now.  Not bad, but yeah.... I just feel like my only purpose in this life is to serve others and forgo my own wants and desires. It sucks.  I know it's not true, but I can't be selfish like that.  I used to and to a certain degree I'm still selfish, but for example, I took 3 days off last week.  did I get to sleep in? Nope, had to take my little one for braces on day 1, had to wake up early to get her to school on day 2 and then had to be up early because I thought my tree people were coming on day 3, but no... they rescheduled and I was awake early on day 4.... then up early on day 5 to go to my folks.... so my entire time off from work was punked by having responsibilities I couldn't ignore or pass the buck on the entire time I took off.

then this week was no real picnic. everyone else was home (one kid sick, wife and other kid are home learning/working) and I got the dubious pleasure of having to go to my job and deal with customers/clients/crabby ass old people.  and of course my time was mostly spent staring off into space, avoiding the work I should be doing because I give zero fucks about my job anymore.  New day, same tired bullshit and more passive aggressive bullshit.  it's all bullshit and the best part of my week had to be from today.

so, had a meeting about being a client manager and what that entails and I think my boss let slip something he didn't intend to.  That something was that they intend to go to a base payrate/commission format.  It's a stupid idea as 1. I'm not a salesman, I have no intention of ever becoming a salesman and 2. the only way this would even work would be that they would lower our current payrate to balance it out.  fuck that, fuck you, you think I'm going to bust my ass twice as hard to make the same pay I make now?  not even fucking close, bud.  I'm already sick of this job and the bullshit that comes with it and now you want me to potentially take a pay cut so you can make it look like we've doubled our profits to satisfy the assholes that bought your company out?

I'd have rather had you close the doors two years ago when you were struggling than see this corporate selling out.  and the guise that you were trying to give us better opportunities was a lie you were fed, you knew you were fed and tried to sell us.  

regardless, i'm going to start looking for something else to do.  Not the brightest move at 40, but, I can't keep doing what I'm doing now.  I'm miserable as fuck and it's my own doing.  It's time I start listening to what I preach to others.  I love the birthday massacre, but this song is SHIT, need to change it.

holy shit, this next song is no better.  rock rap with a sad 90s sound, sorry.... not an edgy teen anymore, just a bitter old man these days. Lord almighty, these edgelords in this video.

sorry, the ADHD kicked in there.  pretty sure I have some form of that, amongst the rest of the bullshit I got going on in my life.

this was intended to be some sort of outlet, but apparently even this requires some level of commitment that I'm not even willing to stick out longer than a song playing on a playlist.

I'm suppose to be getting put on new medication soon, hopefully they give me a time frame on this because I'm super fucking tired of feeling like I'd rather be dead so that I don't feel guilty about leaving shit to everyone else around me.  I discovered that like 3 weeks ago.  when I say "I wanna die", it's not because I actually want to die, it's that I want to be free of all obligations without guilt and "being dead" literally grants that.

I should wrap this up as I'm just going from one side of the room to the other with my thoughts and it's getting mildly manifesto-ish.  If you read, thanks, if you didn't, thanks too?  I just hope this helps someone out there know that the thoughts they have are not as outlandish as they think they might be.

[defiantscribe]

Introspection sucks

Finally am at that point where I need to write again.

As I continue to get older, I feel like I learn less when making mistakes and just accept the world for what it is and slink back to path of least resistance.  I remember when I would take the path less traveled as more of a spiteful challenge.  Didn't always work out, but it definitely made things interesting.

I mean, I had a one sided debate on abolishing the death penalty in high school based on the merits of it being more cost effective to stop wasting time on trials, putting inmates to work in some sort of outside capacity (like creating products or the like, not actual outside work), but offsetting the cost of incarcerating them.

Of course, I lost miserably. Eye for an eye is the way the world likes to work, even teens understand that.  And I felt the same way, but I chose the other side as it presented a unique challenge.

And I don't seem to do that anymore.  I don't know where the lust for trying to do things against the grain has gone.  I find myself more compliant as days, weeks, years roll on.  I blame age. I blame my disease.  I blame the fact that after walking against the current for so long, I'd rather just float down stream than see where it all began.

And on evenings like this, I ask myself why?  Why do I give up?  Why do I not seem to care anymore.  And the answer is compliance is easy, defiance is hard.  And being defiant also comes with consequence.  As a teen, it's expected, it's seen as part of the "growing process", where when you get to my age, compliance keeps a roof over your head, food in your belly, and children ignorant to your suffering.

It's hard to masquerade all day long, it really is.  There are so many things I wish I had the time and energy to pour into, but ensuring my lineage's future is now my only real driving force.  I gave up on myself long ago. I will never be the outstanding person I once imagined I could be.  Not that I can't do great things, I just won't have them happen.  I have to MAKE them happen and I just can't bring myself to ignore the people in my life to achieve this goal.

Not like they're super reliant upon me or anything like that, but I just can't be any more selfish than I already am.  I'm already a dick, I already treat people poorly (at least I think so) and to add onto that just makes me feel like the day I die will be the loneliest day. Who will stand up and say kind words? My kids? My wife? Maybe, but I doubt anyone else in this world that isn't of blood relation would have much more than to say I was "kind" and that's about it.

Kind is a simple act of helping.  I like to help, with in reason.  And don't expect anything in return, but I don't believe it's a marker that defines greatness. Kindness is rare, but it's not nearly as uncommon as the world makes it out to be. Therefore, I don't see it as this rare things that elevates one above another. I just feel that in time I will fade away like most everyone else, remembered by few, never known by many.

And that mindset causes me pause. Pause and reflection as to what actually matters.  And my honest answer is, "I don't know".  So I sit and stare into space, trying to figure out what I should do with this knowledge or feeling and..... I got nothing. I won't give up, but I just don't feel like trying anymore.  Feels empty, feels pointless, fruitless.  Perhaps changing that mindset would help, but I just feel like my only real point of existence anymore is to just "be there".

And the question is: Is that enough?

Most will say yes, others will attempt to encourage or inspire, but unless something strikes me down from the universe, my answer will be probably not. And then I dislike myself for not doing more.

And the cycle begins anew.

I really dislike looking inward some nights because I’m my own worst critic, yet I can’t get the part that criticizes and recognizes the shortcomings to do anything about it.

Meh, got work tomorrow, should probably try to sleep.

[defiantscribe]

The Quarantine Post

Oh yes, you knew it would come, but just not when.

I'm not in the mood to really write, however I've been having stress induced panic attacks over this stupid shit and I need to get it out to the universe or it's just going to compound and become a friggin heart attack or something else.

So, I've been working from home now since March 23rd and it's been a bit of a learning curve to say the least.  I have a defined space for my work (my son's bedroom) and it works, but it can get to be a little lonely, I won't lie.  I miss face time with my co-workers, but this shit is not to be taken lightly, especially for me.  I'm a diabetic.  Most people don't know why people with diabetes are classified as those "at risk".  I can elaborate.  When you're a diabetic, you don't heal like you used to (if you're type 2 and got it later in life, type 1 has known this their entire lives).  You get a cut on your arm?  Heals in about a day or two.  For me? That cut takes about 2 weeks to heal. That's why you hear all kinds of trash about diabetics and their feet.  It's because it's so far away from everything that an injury to my feet can suddenly turn into like gangrene or some shit if not treated properly by medical professionals.

So, getting a devastating respiratory infection could quite literally kill me, no joke.

And because of that, I've been taking this isolation and minimal exposure to outside places and people seriously. I don't like it much like the rest of the world.  I wanna go back out to the store regularly, I want to be in spitting distance of people again, I want things to go back to the way they were before just as bad as everyone else, but I understand the gravity of this and until we have something in place to combat this disease more than social isolation and distancing, I have to stay the course.  Begrudgingly, but not doing so could have devastating consequences.... and I get that.

What I don't get is why the governor of the state feels the need to relax all this smack dab in the middle of the pandemic when we have no solutions, vaccines or treatments for this. We've done a phenomenal job at keeping our infection rates and death rates low because we've all stayed the course, but leave it up to all the entitled white people and the moron in the White House to be like, "Let's try and get things back to normal" when we have no solutions other than being at arm's length from each other.

What's worse is that my boss (who is a republican) wants everyone back in the office at the start of next week.  I will stress this about 18 more times, but NOTHING HAS CHANGED.  We are no closer to a solution than we were 6 weeks ago, so why the hell do you think it's a good idea to bring EVERYONE back into the office? You're just breeding a disease farm by bringing us all in.  I'm sure none of my coworkers are infected, but all it takes it one of them (there's about 10 of us) to get exposed and we're all at risk.  We have kids, we have weakened systems and once the infection happens, we're all boned.

So they say if we had issue (term used was 'heart burn') about returning so soon to talk to the boss about it.  And that's exactly what I did and all I got was push back.  "None of us know when it'll change".  That's not a statement meant to instill good feelings in me, nor is it a green light to bring people back together under the same roof when you send us out into the world to do tech related jobs.  You're putting us in danger.  Why?  You say it's not money, but dude.... you sold your company twice.  You say it's to get us paid better and better benefits. Bullshit.  It's to take the fiscal responsibility souly off your shoulders because your company has started to fail and the financial burden of keeping it afloat with your own finances would eventually ruin you because you're too prideful to cut bait when shit starts hitting the fan.  So, you sell it to another company.  Then that company turns around and merges with another, major, company.

You said we weren't going corporate, but within a year that is EXACTLY what we did. And having worked for a large corporation before, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but the only thing they're interested in is making money.  The bottom line is the ONLY line that they give a fuck about. So don't feed me this line of bullshit about how it's "not about the money".  It's about the money, it's about your section of the company to contribute to the bottom line so that you don't have to lay people off.  I get it, I don't wanna be fired, but don't lie to me.  Don't treat me like I don't understand how the concept of business works.  I'm not stupid and don't treat me as such.

But more insulting is that my legitimate concern is downplayed.  You don't have the same underlying issues I do.  If you get sick, the likelihood of you recovering from this is very favorable to you.  Not for me, so don't minimize my concerns because you have good health.

I will be returning to work in a limited fashion, but I had to really fight for it and get the guilt trip of a decade because I'm scared of getting sick.  And why am I scared?  BECAUSE NOTHING'S CHANGED.  Frustrated white people want things to go back to "normal" and they're willing to put everyone and everything we've worked hard to accomplish at risk because they want to go back to the bars and eat at a restaurant.  Fuck all of you idiots.

I hate the fact that I've had to honestly think about quitting my job just to ensure that I'm safe. I can't really be unemployed, but no job is worth my life.  It's not. If I can prevent that danger, I will. Being dead serves no one.

And I hate that I've been put in that position.  I've been put here and now have to put myself at risk to just keep getting 32 hours a week (we've been stripped down) and been pressured into signing up for "unemployment" when you said I could use my PTO for this shit.  It's so fucking dumb.  It's SOOOOOOO DUMB.

I get we're all trying to figure this out and we're all frustrated and scared, but take a step back, re-evaluate the situation and make the best decision for your people.  Or let them make the best decision for their situation.  I'm sorry you have cranky clients, but I don't need to be in the office to do my job. And honestly, I do better at home because I have less to distract me and can concentrate on my clients and their issues without having to constantly put things on the back burner and then forget about them.

This will not end well, I know it won't.  We're gonna fuck that curve up HARD and the only ones to blame will be ourselves. We're going to trigger another round of panic buying and hard isolation where the only things open will be grocery stores and gas stations.  THAT'S IT. They'll close down the god damn drive thrus next time.

All because we want things to go back to "normal" sooner than later.

We're all a bunch of dumb shits and at this point it feels like screaming into the void.

So, that's what's going on with me right now.  Hopefully I'll be able to look back at this in a year or two and remember how frustrating it was during this time and not have this be one of my last posts.

But if it goes that route, here's the take away: Don't EVER let someone else dictate or direct your life. You do what you must to stay safe and alive. Everything else can be fixed, you can't undo dead.

[defiantscribe]

What Step Was Acceptance Again?

I'm in the last leg of my time away from my job and I've finally decided to accept some bits of my personal existence that I just won't be able to change.

For the record, this is going to be me whining about my current station in life and just generally feeling sorry for myself, so if this isn't what you were hoping to see or read, I'm at least being up front here and now so you can save yourself the headache and find something more entertaining or joyful on the internet.

I go back to work in 3 weeks, which sounds like a long time away, but for me it's going to pass in the blink of an eye and to be honest, I'm not sure I'm ready.  Not that I don't want to go do something constructive and use my skill set that's been getting lazy, but I just don't know if things are going to be better or more of the same tired bullshit I took the break to escape. Also, I'm worried about the potential animosity that will follow because my co-workers will definitely be happy for my return, but they've been struggling with bullshit for the past two months without me and that shit wears THIN after a bit.  So, that's another thing sitting at the back of my head as this return date approaches.

In this whole time off, I was hoping to find something "extra" to do that might bring me joy.  I will be straight: I haven't.  And I won't. I had all these grand ideas and things I wanted to accomplish and I'm working on the important things: going to the gym and exercising, trying to make sure I take my diabetic medications like I should (brb, need to go take my insulin shot), I have an appointment with a dermatologist in the next week to look at a sore that seems to have issue with healing that has prevented me from having "adult relations" with my wife for over a year, etc.

So it's not like I'm not doing anything, but as for trying to order my house, make things easier for my family, finding a set schedule, setting up rules and operations that would help keep things easy and functional have all floundered.  I started "vlogging" and after about 2 weeks of solid attempts, I bailed.  I straight bailed.  It was a hassle to update daily and when I didn't do anything of any intrinsic value, it was hard to keep updating on people that I'd crater in and watch anime or YouTube for most of my day until I had to pick up my kids or my wife.

And the YouTube thing was what I meant about trying to find something extra.  However, I learned a lesson in all this:  I'm boring AF if I'm not engaging with someone else.  Me, alone, is BORING. Some can do it, they can tell their stories and they're able to engage people without ever having another living soul to work off.  I'm not that way.  I work best when I can have someone to work off of or work with; me sitting in my upstairs, with nothing much else but a wall behind me was about as entertaining as listening to a toddler try to explain quantum mechanics.

Writing has been about the only thing that I've ever been "somewhat" good at.  I can get my point across, I can make my jokes or edit the dumb shit I say so this way it doesn't look like I'm a raging idiot. And for the record, this is all being written mostly on the fly.  I usually write in Notepad, then slap this trash into Word for spellcheck purposes. I change very little that I actually write. I feel that writing what comes to mind and sticking with it is the most honest version of writing and I'm not here to yank your dicks around, I'm here to get all the stupid shit that bothers me off my chest and hope that someone else out there reads it, relates a bit and maybe feels a bit better about their situation if mine is worse.

Another part of what I was attempting to do during this break was to learn how to use my non-linear editing software. It's HitFilm Express for anyone interested, it's free, but has paid versions for extra perks. It's a lot like Premiere, so check it out if you're looking at video editing.  There's very little I haven't been able to do with it and they do tutorials on YouTube and all that.  Shameless plug for them because seriously.... this program is pretty bitchin for being free. But, even with that, I haven't fussed much with it.  Two main reasons were: it's time consuming.  Like really time consuming.  And I just didn't have the time to invest in that.  I'm trying to do laundry, I'm trying to make things in my kitchen or clean after my family (it's a job in itself) and the second reason was that most of my imagination is toast these days.

Sure, I can paint a colorful picture when describing a tech issue (most of my co-workers and clients get a kick out of my analogies), but I just can't come up with the shit I could 20 years ago.  I turn 40 next month and I just can't think of things like I used to.  I remember some of my old ideas and I just can't expand and when I attempt to develop something new, I can start, but I never finish. That's frustrating to say the very least.

I've also gotten to a point in my life where I'm not really wanting and I don't have any goals left to set. I have everything (besides money) that I will need, so I don't really have any desire to reach.  I don't mind traveling, but that's not some big thing for me.  Getting up early, flying, finding new plane, getting on it, spending time somewhere else.... it's work.  It's not a relaxing time, it's like a scheduled event that I have to meet certain checkpoints otherwise it was "wasted".

I'm not really that creative with my art.  I can't draw to save my life, unlike my daughter who is ALL ABOUT THAT and is pretty good.  My son's into gaming and can literally spends HOURS doing it.  After a while, I get bored.  It's fun to play with friends.... well, online friends, but as they all trickle out, I get to a point where I'm just like, "Nope, gonna go do something else now..." and peace out.  I don't play games for hours on end.  I got Skyrim for free and I've played like 76 minutes of it because I know how involved it is and I just do not have the time to invest in it.  I already isolate myself away from my family for the most part, don't need something to help facilitate that.

I don't wood work, I'm afraid of most power tools (saws especially).... I'm not musically inclined (got a keyboard and guitar in the house, they collect dust) and about the only thing I'm good at is modern electronics.  I essentially have 4 smart TVs in my house, all with computers hooked up to them, but do nothing fantastic with them besides Netflix, Hulu, Amazon Prime and use the Roku that's on all but 1 TV.

I've lost the desire, nay the zeal, to pursue anything more.  So, I've decided to simply stop.  Existing is tough enough, I think I just need to focus on that.  Don't misconstrue that, I'm not about self harm or the like, if you've read my older stuff you know my opinions, but I just don't get excited about anything anymore.  It's all mundane.  It's trite. And I've spent so much time trying to find something, ANYTHING, that gives me that youthful fulfillment and I got jack shit.

This is about the only thing that I still find enjoyable, but I don't have stories in my head.  I have one story in my head I've been working on since I was I think a freshman in high school, but it's a cringefest that if re-written by me today would be a completely different story.

And that's where I'm at. Just "here".  And as much as I feel I should be doing more, I have nothing more to chase. I'd rather take a depression nap because at least after that I feel awake. Angsty 39 year old guy writing on Tumblr, ghost copying over to Twitter.... this is who I am.  And, sadly, I'm indifferent.  Man, I'm a sad, lonely crab.  I really should find a hobby.  Suggestions?

One last note: After throwing this long ass bitch into Word, no grammatical errors (yay), but I don’t know how to properly spell: existence, definitely, intrinsic, pursue and apparently Word doesn’t understand ‘misconstrue’.  I guess acing English from K through 12 actually did something for me.  Don’t ask me about adverbs or adjectives or any of that nonsense, I still don’t understand that shit.

[defiantscribe]

Where’d Kats Go?

Okay, so I should be using this time to do my actual work that needs to be done, however I just really can't be bothered with doing it. It's documenting the work I've done.  I make reminders in my calendar and then come back later and fill out my tickets for the work, but it's so DRULL.  It's literally the worst part of my job.

But that's now why you're reading this; you're reading this because I said I won't be around much these days and I'm sure you're curious as to "why".  Okay, I can't even bring myself to do this right now.  I will continue this later.  fuck.

Okay, so it's been a day since I wrote that above and I guess it's just time to clue everyone who is curious enough in on what's going on (if they give enough of a shit to read this book of a post).

So, for a long time I've had physical body issues.  Not like eating disorders, but muscle problems.  I really can't turn my head anymore.  I have to turn my whole body to look around.  Makes driving real difficult.  I have a major case of "nerd neck" (https://backintelligence.com/how-to-fix-forward-head-posture/).  I have to take OTC painkillers (ibuprofen) on a regular basis to just function.

The neck thing started a long time ago, however the muscle pain and what I can only assume is muscle atrophy is due to my type 2 diabetes and my lack of proper management. I keep trying to ignore the issue, however it's not getting better, it's not going to get better and I need to get it under control before it's too late.  I mean, I don't want to lose a limb, I don't want to go blind, I don't want to run the risk of dying before I even hit 50 years old.

The catch?  I have to stop my regular pattern of self-destructive behavior and do something about it.  And I've decided now is the time to reach for this goal.  I've been feeling out of sorts and even stuck in a rut for a while now, trying to drown my depression and anxiety away with gaming and drinking. Luckily, drinking is not a problem for me.  I drink once a week and don't even touch a drop of it any other time.  I'm not even much of a social drinker.  I think beer taste like ass, most mixed drinks are done in shitty balances, and I don't like feeling that out of control of myself.

That and there's already an existing problem running in my family to an extent, but thankfully gambling was more my problem than the drink.  I'm over the gambling too, so no worries on that front.

But, I can't get down on the ground, I can't stand up from the ground once I am there, I can't raise my right arm very high in the air, I can't look up in the air or turn my head. And I'm fucking tired of being this much of a god damn mess.  It's really no way to live a life.  I honestly fear that if I fell over or slipped on ice or something that I'd fuck myself up even worse and being diabetic makes shit like THAT even more dangerous in my opinion because I don't heal like someone who isn't diabetic.

I've debated making a video and making it unlisted to illustrate all of this to you just so you know I'm not making up some kind of corny ass excuse for not being around. Honestly, if I could find a proper balance, that would be great, but I need to change my pattern and start a new pattern and stick to that new pattern to hopefully bring positive physical change into my life.  I know I don't need to prove anything to anyone, but I think a visual might help cement that what's going on isn't a joke.  I don't know.  I just feel like I'm copping the fuck out, but I've always felt like everything I do, even for my own personal benefit and prolonged existence makes me seem.... selfish.

I know it's not selfish, but if FEELS that way and I have to find some sort of means of justifying what I'm doing and almost need permission to know it's OK to do what I should be doing to better myself.

It's some backward thinking, I know, but.... it's who I am.

Why I'm taking the time to write this out in this format and posting it instead of throwing it in Discord is because A). No one wants this wall of text in Discord and B). I'm not looking for immediate responses.  I want to say what's on my mind and not need to justify or explain on the fly.

I will be limiting my time at my computer by a lot.  I spend almost every second of my day sitting on my ass and.... I just can't anymore. I can't.  It physically hurts to sit, it hurts to stand up, it hurts to sleep, I hurt all the time.  The pain is not going away and I'm afraid one day I'm going to hurt so much that I literally won't be able to move anymore. And that.... scares me to fucking death. As I write this, even holding my arms up just a bit to type this all out, my right shoulder feels like someone karate chopped me between my neck and shoulder and I'm hunched forward.

I think I will make that video, don't know when, but I want you to see this.  To understand the dire need for this.  I hate change, I hate change with an undying passion. Especially big change.  And this is BIG change.  But.... if I do nothing, it will consume me and the only one I will be able to blame will be myself.  And if I'm too damn stupid or stubborn to take the reins and wrangle this shit back in, I have no right to complain about it anymore.

So, that's what's going on. I will still have Discord on my phone, as well as Steam, there are a few of you I have on Facebook that can always drop me a message, I got a few of you in my cellphone as well.  I will be able to be reached, but my online presence will be very ghosty.  At least in the gaming community.

And I honestly felt that I owed it to you, those reading, to know why.  I don't know if you guys believe me when I send those messages in Discord that spending Friday night gaming with you as the highlight of my week. It truly is.  I don't have IRL friends I hang out with, that's a whole trust issue thing you can read about in my other Tumblr posts if you feel like diving down that hole, but it's something I honestly enjoy and look forward to on a regular basis and the fact that I have to voluntarily end it for an unknown amount of time to get better makes me sad.  It makes me feel lonely and I will miss seeing you guys, interacting, ribbing one another, shit talking.

I'm gonna end with this: I'm always available.  Don't be afraid to message me.  I will be the first to say I will not reach out first. I'm trying to change that, but... again, trust issues.  I'll try to potentially give updates as things progress, but it will probably be a fair while before I hop in a game with y'all.

Thanks for reading this, thanks for understanding and I hope to see you after I get my shit together.

You're a towel.