deluliya - Tumblr blog

[deluliya]

Моя тревожность за последнее время стала хуже несмотря на прием золофта. При этом безразличие и очень очень темные мысли посещать начали намного чаще чем до этого. Полная утрата смысла жизни. Вот бы произошло чудо или же просто быстрее бы все закончилось. Жалко только маму которая столько мучалась со мной. Закрыть бы глаза и забыть обо всем на свете и не проснуться

[deluliya]

I can’t keep up to everything that I like, cleaning, cooking, rest and study as usual 🙃

At list I’m clean and have some food for tomorrow… I need to study more…

When just this will end. But I think it’s maybe finally time when study means that’s interesting and also nothing makes me that sad anymore 🥹

Bad school, the worst university ever, a residency as a nightmare and finally a piece of peace in my ruined education trip for 18 years.

You know finally there are some people who are much better than were before. I’m so jealous for everything while thinking about how different life is.

I’m jealous that I wasn’t born in big city, I’m jealous that I haven’t got a nice education paper, i’m jealous that most of people have nice friends, just like normal people not too poor and not too rich, jealous that everybody looks beautiful and healthy and my body is completely ruined like my mind but finally I found a nice place without fucking disgusting people around. I jealous about money because my teeth hurt so much and I haven’t got my period on time

All I’ve got an abuser mother and not will to live like everybody in Russia. I don’t want to live in Russia, I don’t want to be a doctor and finally I can be over with my stupid mother’s wishes. It sad to understand that everything you’ve got it’s cause of manipulations for years.

I’m so afraid of any relationship cause I’ve got a “really nice family”. Life is scary and I can’t keep up even on things that make me don’t think.

I’m so tired being hungry and sleepy and sad

I’m so tired of people who are ultra losers and also are ultra successful

Last 4 years like a total nightmare full of anxiety and scary shit

Im already miss the time when I wasn’t working and just was doing nothing to make myself less anxious. Because being in “ life” means being anxious, shitty and cry. Just can’t keep myself together

In this situations everybody in media or books finally finding somebody who kinda could help in this but I’m already 25 and I’m so afraid like my mother find a piece of shit like my dad or much worse. Okay be the piece of shit but please with a lot of money. Cause I could go to all kind of therapy and by myself whatever I want 🤣🤣🤣

I’m really trying not think but still it doesn’t works that way

Being on the run too much - burned and tired

Not being on the run - becoming a vegetable

Where is this perfect place where I could finally not to think that much.

Want a lot of money, normal friends, my own flat, my cat near me, travelling and hobbies that will make me money. And forget about fucking medicine forever

Get a nice education instead of this piece of shit

Get another life in another country that will be much better than right now even it’s not that bad now

I want to leave this shitty country and become a part of the world and not the part of shitty government

I just wanna be happy and healthy and have somebody by my side

It’s mysterious how how blyat people could find somebody in different ways but also all the couples are so cute and not fat that makes me wanna die because I was born to be fat

I’m also wanna eat whatever and being thin

I’m just so so tired

[deluliya]

26/09/2023

okay

thank you god that I'm always afraid nowadays cause of school trauma like somebody.

I checked social media of a boy whom I was thinking kinda good looking and understood that he is not and found out his playlist... that's really sucks

also the main fact he is got a very beautiful girlfriend ahahah they've got kinda cute relationship with a dog )

so, we are back to normal idols and I really need to check myself cause I don't know why I'm always fat

[deluliya]

22/09/23

Tonight I'm feeling myself so uncomfortable with myself.

I'm feeling anxious and wanna cry but haven't got a resource to cry.

I understood that my life is pointless and I stuck somewhere in the age of 16 and the only thing is growing is my weight.

I spent 20 years of learning and know nothing I haunt got any skills to survive in this changing world. I'm always tired and hungry and now sometimes Horney cause last 2 years I;m feeling myself extremely lonely. I even wanna fall in love but with whom and how. I never was feeling this level of pressure and loneliness in my entire life even I was a victim of school bullying and never get whatever I wanted.

I don't have any safe pillow or something else. I know that a lot pf people have much more problems but its doesn't even suit to me think about it.

I never reached my goals and im so tired of trying and being tired.

and all this shit is rather hard because I met someone really good looking and I liked him only just in the way he looks. that's how lonely I am. and im started overthinking and reminding myself that I became fat as fuck and lost all my confidence in only shit that I was doing all my life - studying even if I don't wanna to. I feel like all the problems that I was dealing through all these years coming up as a big big one. and I'm not feeling comfortable being stupid and listening that I haven't got any hope to reach something. cause of these words and the shit my mother telling me I think im dying again. I just stopped using antidepressants and I can't lose weight and everything feels so ugly in me.

Clothes don't suit, make up makes me like im Peppa pig, hair is fucking dead and there is no way to improve everything.

and looking through photos I understood that im only looking good whole I've got money and can afford myself good haircut, hair color or clothes. im tired of circle of being useless for myself. im already 25 and soon will become 26 and I was never beautiful and now I feeling myself bad cause only thing that I was confident about was studying. why just I didn't have money for good university, why my parents wasn't care at all. why I wasn't work on covid to get more money to feel myself better. im feeling ultrabad

I wanna eat all day cause im sad

I can't sleep or just relax normally without this overthinking and im dying again

[deluliya]

I was feeling myself so anxious these days and fucked up and still I am and I haven’t got any power to deal with anything and I need therapy again but I don’t have money and when you haven’t got money you need to work and you can’t work cause you need therapy

Fucking circle of my life

[deluliya]

Omg thanks god that I will have another rather beautiful boy near me cause this is the one from all the places I’ve been through a lot of years

I’m so tired of ugly like me 🤡🤡🤡

They are not ugly only by their faces but also their minds are fucked up

So I’ve got new object to dream about ahahahhaha

Let’s make more new cringe stories in my fucked up mind

I’ve got right now new motivation to study cause after how doctor told me that I’m the worse person in the world

And after my mother said the same

Just living my life on energy of beautiful guys from manhwa, pictures and finally in the group ahahaha

[deluliya]

“My heart is so tired”

— Markus Zusak

[deluliya]

She chose to be happy

[deluliya]

11/09/23

Finally we're back at the point where no-one could stop us from being cringe and dead inside. Long week, long thoughts, short dicks ahahahaha.

I was thinking about writing down about that boy or about school years or students years and those years was still sad after all. and I watched that interview with one cool person and she changed the city, her name and finally became another person. I was always thinking about something like this and I still believe in this idea but I already had changed 3 cities... it is not a lot for many people but for me that's a lot. Also of course you need to change sometimes people but there's no any points where I can kinda feel that vibe or just pretend.

its not right waiting but also changing so where we all must be?

somebody gets everything in time and somebody could suck some dick. life sucks but still wonderful for someone at least.

can I be that someone ...

how much broken thoughts and fantasies of our's died cause of cruel realities?

bring me back to the happy endless places

[deluliya]

I miss everything I loved before. Especially my grandparents and fantasies. Even my cheerful and young parents. Every year is just another lost of everything that was building you for years

[deluliya]

Sometimes I was missing our strange talks with him but not anymore. I don’t wanna be in love with somebody like him again) give me my idols ahahahahha

[deluliya]

Cringe is when your kinda first love was in school and still then you didn’t like anybody besides celebrities. So when school is far away for 8 years now your object of sympathy came in your dream and you kinda dealing with your gestalt from those times. That’s was surprising, but fuck this scumbag

[deluliya]

[deluliya]

[deluliya]

I understood that getting education always would run me away from my daydreaming and plans.

Or if when I got time I just depressed as fuck

More Zoloft moreee

Plans:

1. Studying

2. Lose weight

3. Watch movies

4. Languages

5. Crochet

6. DRAWING!!!

7. Music :(

I understand that I’m already 25… it’s a heartbreaking point cause everything in children’s hand right now especially when they start their careers in the age of 0 days old. Fast world is scary. People are scary. How to find my own k-drama boy in real life ahahaha

[deluliya]

[deluliya]

Eukaryotic cell gang!! We love women in STEM.

The organelles of the cells have been translated into human anatomy, so the nucleus is the brain, the vacuole function as the lungs, and the mitochondria is the heart since it’s the… you already know, I don’t have to say it ;)