dengchansaysmoo

[dengchansaysmoo]

Team BEBI

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Embracing and Forgiving my Past self

I used to remember my senior year of high school with so much disdain. Besides being financially unstable, the situation I had at home had affected my performance in school and also with how I maintained my relationship with friends. I remember having a very painful experience with a close friend of mine - we stopped being close but I was so caught up with having him back in my life that I started blaming myself for the things I could have done and what I could have been if it wasn't for my shitty choices that time.

Today, I tried visiting this video. I compiled all the memories of the people who stayed with me during those times. It felt good. I didn't feel pain. I was more happy and thankful that I had them - Nani, Dean, Dancelle, Denise, Vera, Jelly.. kuya nath, glee club. I'm happy that despite my situation at home, these people had stayed with me and did their best to keep me company. Life was so miserable back then. I had teachers who instead of providing me some form of understanding, they instead, had punished me with bad grades and lots of humiliation in class..

I have always wondered if, one day, the pain from all the stuff I've been through during those days would ever go away. Today, it felt less painful and I was more thankful that I still had people who believed in me and were willing to support me through the hard times. Shoutout to Kuya Nath.. for giving me his netbook and had only made me pay for the laptop charger that he had to buy. It brought me relief to have a personal laptop to work with especially the amount of school works that we had to submit that time.

I just want to tell you, self, that you did your best to keep yourself together that time. I want to give you a hug, pat your head and hum you to sleep through the days that felt difficult and painful to look forward to the future. We're here today, already close to becoming a doctor. We've achieved this together. I want you to forgive the people who brought you pain already because, they too, had their own troubles to deal with. I know it's difficult for you to look forward in life but the days will pass and everyone will continue to live through different versions of themselves, including us. We're allowed to be afraid, anxious, angry and most especially, we're allowed to be happy. We can be happy. We can work through these difficult emotions. We can work this out. Things will sort on its own. Just focus on your own happiness. Walang ibang magmamahal sayo kung di ang sarili mo.

Nandito lang ako. Alam ko yun yung gusto mo marinig dati pa. Kakayanin natin lahat ng pagsubok sa buhay at walang tarantadong makakapigil satin sa gusto natin. Just stay true to yourself and remain humble no matter the situation you get yourself into.

[dengchansaysmoo]

hello!

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I don't know where my road is going, but I know that I walk better when I hold your hand.

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Everyday, I reminisce my glee club experience during high school. God, I can't thank you enough for leading me to a path where I had a chance to express myself and even have a sense of purpose during those tough days. Music is one of the only things keeping me sane at times.

This song - it mentions how much she values that one moment where everyone "appreciated" her for her own craft. Essentially, this is theater, this is what a performer comes for - the running endorphins that give them that feeling of happiness, bliss.

I got attached to this song because it somewhat revealed to me that I am selfish when it comes to love. I want love to be between me and my lover only - I don't want it to be shared. I want it to be mine only. So what does this imply? I have a tendency to feel insecure if that love is seen being shared with someone else (you know, even if my lover shares it among his friends or siblings) And.. I got to tell you, I had to go through a lot of moments - moments of feeling ashamed of what I think about, why do I feel that way? Why did I feel less secure when it is shared? Somehow, this feeling of insecurity has been healed already. I've got to admit, my partner as of the moment has healed me way more than anyone else. He's calm enough to process these bad thoughts with me. It's beautiful. I still can't believe I have someone like him in my life. I love you, Waks.

[dengchansaysmoo]

Paramore Acoustic Session at Tiny Desk

Placing this here because it got deleted in youtube ;___;

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Putting this here because I've spent a good few weeks wondering if what kept playing at the back of my mind was real or not, or was I losing some screws already??

Johnny_ripper also known as Joni Void is a real person.

"Awakening from a boylike dream. I hide away, unlike before. A false sense of existence proving me all too wrong. And again I wait, in praise, for the start of something significant and inconvenient to delay. All these things are worthy of the dedication that I long for in world that, at this age, has exposed the truth behind value. Then again. I could create for you; something. This will do until then. The thought of you, and I cannot exist without the moment where I then relay this to myself. Morphing still. The then physical world in which I exist disappears to reveal true emotion and expression (from myself in particular)... THIS is a great feat. I am glad to know you. Further explanation is pointless. The smell of the pure human in which I bask has yet to fail me and from which spawns my trust, I remain pure. And full of happiness. "

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Pat doing all the mash-up lines at 6:36 oewfijeoifj I fucking love you, Fall out boy

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The toilets in this kebab restaurant making me feel like I’ve just joined cp_orange_restroom_x3

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cos radiology

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A collection of thoughts

Recently, there is a sense of wanting to "catch-up" with the stuff I missed on doing when I was a teenager.

At the age of 10 to 11 years old, I've been exposed to an environment where sacrificing my own "needs, wants, essentially, what we call as happiness" for someone else's benefit. This would root out from a lot of things within the family - my grandmother suffering from cancer (has metastasized over the span of years we've been with her), we've got financial problems that burdened us after she passed, family problems getting panned back and forth because of my dad's brother and my grandfather (company-related). I don't think I had a childhood that really allowed me to enjoy whatever the kids were enjoying at their age. My dad often shared all his woes to me that I've grown accustomed to what he considered is "normal" to him. In return, it gave me a predisposition that life is all about suffering and we are not deserving enough to have a breath of fresh air and just enjoy things as it is.

Over the years, I've realized that it isn't really productive to retain that kind of mentality. It's just another way to burn yourself out from whatever goal you have in mind. I think it works for my dad but it doesn't for me.

Now that I have a significant other who is privileged enough to experience a somewhat financially "able" type of life, there is a sense of "healing" that is happening within me. Throughout my high school and college life, I had a tendency to surround myself with people who were always emotionally struggling. I always found myself being unceremoniously put in the position of healing other people, being there for them, not dealing with my own mental weaknesses. I don't know. Why was I into that kind of crap? It was toxic. It only destroyed what remaining innocence I had in me as a person - given all the crap I had to deal with at home.

I am genuinely beyond happy and contented with my partner right now. We've got a few sad days where we both doubted ourselves if we're both good for one another but we greet each day as a new slate to prove of our affection. I hope it remains this way because I haven't felt this loved than ever. Not even my dad or mom has expressed this type of affection towards me. I love you, Waks ♥

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Experiencing happiness through another person's vlog/tiktok/life

You know, technically, isn't this the reason why we watch vloggers?? Instagrammers?? Tiktokers??

A majority of people in the world are unable to do the stuff they genuinely want to do because they've got other priorities and obligations to fulfill that's why they turn to social media to live even just for a few minutes of their lives, their dreams, through someone else's?? AM I MAKING SENSE HAHA

Because I followed a few people like Ciara (haha kung mabasa mo to, technically I am a fan 🤣🤣🤣 you should take it as a compliment tho; plugging her tiktok cos I love her content @itskiy*r**a yazz binabasa pa rin blogs ko ty bhi3 AHAHAHAH) - their tiktoks I mean - ALSO SHOUTOUT TO KISHA GUATLO MY GIRL CRUSH (FOLLOW HER TIKTOK PLS @gtl.k1)

I don't have the nicest of the body (pear-shaped, overweight BMI, not exactly motivated as of the moment to workout as much as I wanted to). Yeah, and I accepted that! HAHA I watch these people because they can dress nicely and be super cute, do fun tiktoks, eat what they want - and to just see a person live that type of life makes me happy because "hey! they're living the kind of life I wanted". I'm not jealous because I've accepted that it's not how things would go for me; I've got a different thing happening for me. In fact, it's somewhat of a body positive/inspirational thing to view their content because somehow, I'm a bit urged to take care of my body also HAHA

Enjoy lang sa life! Whatever comes, whatever it will be. It's what you choose to do with it that matters, okay? So cheer up. There's another day to come. Just keep moving forward in life. You'll get to be where you want to be rin basta you just keep walking. Do your best to learn from your experiences. And please, don't ever forget to be kind. Forgive people whenever you can. I just think there is so much more to life with bearing grudges. We've all got our stuff to deal with. Least we can do for other people is to just be kind to them.

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Being the person who often get told "save your words" after getting in an argument

I think people are, generally, not prepared to hear what other people has to say HAHA. This has happened a lot to me. Close friends becoming strangers just because of how prideful they've become. I think not all childhood friends are bound to become our lifetime friends. It's hard to accept that fact the moment that it happens. I still grieve to this day because I can't have that "same" friend back. She's got her own way and probably her own mistakes in life to realize. I still pray for good things to come her way.

I've come to a point in life where I don't really engage in conversations anymore. I used to tolerate making small talks with some random stranger but now, I'm just the type who absorbs the energy in the social environment. I listen.. a lot. I'm quiet. I get physically tired. So if a person approaches me, I'll talk to you. No judgments at all. Just talk to me. I'm a social sponge.

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I've been playing these songs since January 2022. HAHAHA So dumping them here

Just A Bit of Rain - She's Only Sixteen (SOS)

For all the days you've felt incapacitated from not having a job that pays enough, unable to attain your goal for your age, for being a gen Z in an economy with skyrocketing inflation

Leave Me Out of It - She's Only Sixteen

For all the days you just want to stay out of trouble, yeah listen to this. AHAHAH

Good Company - She's Only Sixteen @9:35

For all the times I've thought about Waks, I love you MY SUPER POGI BEBI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And to whoever is reading this (including my future self), listen to this when you just want to slow down and chill.

[dengchansaysmoo]

I don't think my past self would have thought she'd get to live this kind of life.

I'm emotional to just even hold an ipad. 😭

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I'm not sure why this track is not available in spotify. They always play this in gigs!! ♥♥

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Chunsuke boops 🥰

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I'm so in love 😍🥺 We're nearing our 1st anniversary together. I'm beyond happy and contented 🥰