depressed-dds

[depressed-dds]

[depressed-dds]

Depression in Dentisry - Why Can't We Talk About It?

I broke down today. I fucking lost it. I've been struggling to cope with my depression and anxiety a lot lately. I've struggled for as long as I can remember, but it's never been quite like this. No one warns you just how isolating a career in dentistry is. How fake you have to be day in and day out. How, no matter what you're feeling inside, you have to repress it. If not, people feed off of it. Patients already fear you, so if they sense a hint of doubt, sadness, or fear on your being, you've lost your patient. They can't and won't trust you. Aside from the occasional experience, it's a pretty thankless job. A majority of people fear you. The ones that don't fear you think you're greedy because your services cost too much (even in public health where you don't control your own fee schedule). Other healthcare professionals don't understand or respect you. Physicians don't value what you do. Don't see it as important. Don't treat you like a "real doctor". No one understands the stress of completing a literal surgical procedure that's measured down to the half millimeter in a dark vessel with tongues, cheeks, and water obstructing your view, start to finish in 30 minutes. It's exhausting and demanding. Hard on the mind and the body. Compound that with the $300k in debt that accumulates $57 a day... It's a fucking nightmare. I feel trapped.

I struggled with depression and anxiety pretty heavily in dental school. Was suicidal for much of first year. But everyone said it would get better. "Oh, second year is better because you're used to the stress." "Oh, third year is better because you're finally in clinic." "Oh, fourth year is better because you're finished with classes and on your way out." "After you graduate it gets better because you don't have to deal with the stress of school." Well, it's all bullshit. It's all stressful. It never goes away. Whether it's financial stress, or stressing about time, or stressing about a procedure you weren't prepared for in school, or stressing about not killing your medically compromised patients, or stressing about the 5 year old that really should be sedated due to behavioral issues but you try with nitrous anyway because you know the parents can't afford that 3 month waiting period and $5000 surgical bill. The stress never ends.

Then the stress of your bosses. The bosses who know nothing about dentistry, yet make decisions that effect your daily clinical life. The bosses that don't respect your time, your intellect, your expertise. The bosses that view the health care you provide as an unnecessary luxury. The bosses that buy into this capitalist world and work you like a dog for less pay than you're worth, guilt you for taking time off, and punish you for taking a vacation. It's incessant bullshit.

Every night, I dread going to sleep knowing that I have no idea what kind of chaos I'm going to face the next day. Whether it's the anxiety I feel knowing I have more patients on my schedule than I can feasibly see in a day. Or the dread of having an empty schedule and getting scolded for it, even though I have no control over marketing because I was just hired to be a "molar mechanic" in their eyes. Whether or not I will have working equipment. Whether or not my assistants are going to do their jobs correctly. The anxiety of exuding confidence and putting on a smile for the "dental show" when all I want to do is break down and scream and cry.

20 years. 20 years of school and stress and hardwork to get here. It was my dream for 20 years to be a dentist. Now I am. Now what? What good am I doing? I'm just causing myself harm. I feel trapped in this box. Trapped in this skin and this identity. I feel trapped in debt. I just want to do good in the world and prevent oral disease. Improve the lives of low-income families. Prevent decay from even happening. Implement policies that allow dentistry to be treated as a vital part of healthcare. A basic human right. Educate the masses.

But instead, I'm stuck in a thankless job working for and with people that don't respect me, treating people who are living in chaos and often fear me. I don't even know who I am anymore. This isn't the life I imagined 20 years ago... Where the fuck do I go from here?