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whichever ad exec at Geico came up with the phrasing "up to 15% or more" needs some kind of award for concocting one of the most meaningless strings of words in the English language. all it guarantees is that the number is either lower or higher than 15%, inclusive. up to 15%... or more. a bladeless knife with no handle.

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this is, as the kids say, frying me (a glasses wearer)

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anxiety will have you thinking things like "will everyone hate me if i order coffee at the coffee shop" and "will people think i'm crazy if i work out at the gym"

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I grew up in a country music family, so whenever I visit my parents they’ll usually have a country music station or playlist on, and for the past eight years that’s meant that whenever I visit my parents it’s good odds that I will eventually hear Body Like a Back Road by Sam Hunt.

If you haven’t heard of it, Body Like a Back Road is a country song comparing sex with the singer’s partner to taking a Sunday drive down a familiar dirt road. “Body like a back road/Drivin' with my eyes closed/I know every curve like the back of my hand”

I don’t like Body Like a Back Road. A lot of people don’t like Body Like a Back Road, it did not get very good reviews, but it went on to be the number one country song of the year for both the Canadian and American country charts, and so it persists.

And so for the past few years I have gone out of my way to ruin it for everyone else with a very stupid bit. Whenever I’m at my parents’ place and the song starts, I put on my best impression of a bawdy British aristocrat, the kind of voice that affects port and cigar smoke in the middle of telling an awful joke at a bougie party, and say something like “Yes, she had a body like a back road. She was completely covered in bear scat” or “She had a body like a back road, you know. She had potholes so deep you could sheer a tire.”

It’s not meant to make sense. It’s not meant to be funny. It has never, not even once, gotten a laugh.

My mom texted me today to say “You have wrecked the song for me it came on and all I could think about was your speeches” which means I’ve won

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I need to admit something to the US Tumblrinas. Philadelphia isn't a place to me. It's a cream cheese. You say "philadelphia" or "philly" and I immediately, and exclusively, think of the cream cheese. "Twelve people die in Philadelphia disaster" wow that must've been a Molasses Flood style event

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i spot a plus size honey across the bar and start to chat her up until her bisexual boyfriend with a magic the gathering tattoo comes over and starts yelling at me so i turn him sideways so he can't make another action until his next turn

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​i’m such a fake idgafer everything bothers me tbh

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old gods are waking

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birds have truly mastered feathers like what do you Mean they can be shiny. how fucking cool is that

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week 12 - sun dreams!

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Sits on your dash

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what the fuck

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I know the most dangerous dumpling-based spells and incantations. I can teach you how to enact wonton destruction

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The lion does not concern itself with the bank account balance when a little treat is calling

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everyone is trying to take your oxford comma away from you. don't give them that satisfaction, reward, or pleasure.