diamxndinthedirt - Tumblr blog

[diamxndinthedirt]

{I'm feeling WIDE-AWAKE!!! But I don't know what to write!!! Nothing's working!!! So, maybe...

LIKE FOR MEMES IN YOUR ASK OR I'LL SHOOT ELMER!}

[diamxndinthedirt]

@everyoneismytoy sent a sentence starter: ‘i was a total dick.’

diamxndinthedirt:  

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{♥} – Arms crossed defensively across his chest, his gaze downcast towards the floor, and the crease of a frown on his brooding expression, Elmer grudgingly murmured, ❝Yeah, well…you weren’t the only one who was a dick, so…I guess I’m sorry, too.❞

Turns out having the ability to feel guilt and resentment simultaneously was some pretty confusing shit. He probably needed to work on his apologies.

[diamxndinthedirt]

Anonymous said: Oh look. A single cucumber. Gift-wrapped.

diamxndinthedirt:  

»»————-　♡　————-««

{♥} – ❝I-…❞ A sigh of strained vexation passed through Elmer’s lips when he happened upon the…problematic article when returning to his post after his somewhat dehumanizingly titled “2:00 pm feeding”. Throwing his hands into the air in a performance of his disapproval, he could only speculate that this was the handiwork of the same sick fucker who’d left him a sprucely wrapped banana last year. He gingerly peeled back a corner fold of the coloured paper in which the object was meticulously wrapped. It was a cucumber - a girthy one at that. Well, at least it wasn’t smothered in fecal matter. Elmer supposed he should consider being grateful for that; he considered it, and he wasn’t much. It was still gross just by connotation, even without the added inconvenience of other people's actual shit for him to clean up. By this time, God knew he was used to it. The store clerk glanced over his shoulder in search of his elusive manager, ❝I can't believe they've done this...! Dave…? Did you see the backward little fucktard who left this on the counter while I was gone?❞

His gaze fell to unintentionally catch sight of the fruit once more, something akin to repulsion glinting in his unimpassioned eyes. Elmer shook his head,

❝…I swear to God, you guys, I'm gonna THROW MYSELF IN FRONT OF A TRAIN!❞ Announced the store clerk loudly to the entire store, and with no further instruction from his manager to implement, threw the entire thing in the trash, gift-wrap & all. Seriously, whoever was resorting to doing this to get their kicks needed to watch a porno or something...! This was just sad!

[diamxndinthedirt]

@sevenstxrsiblings sent a sentence starter: “Why is it whenever we see each other you’re covered in blood?” Let’s send Osian or Alette at you - unless you want someone else go for it <3 also thanks for the follow brandrodgersislife

diamxndinthedirt:  

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{♥} – ❝Yeah, I’m fine, thanks for asking.❞ Elmer sneered and spat blood at the side of the road before wiping his mouth with the back of his hand and scowling in Osian’s direction, unreceptive to the misperceived judgement. ❝If you just stopped by to lecture me, I don’t wanna fuckin’ hear it, alright?❞

[diamxndinthedirt]

{Alright, well, never mind.. I got bored with editing tags very quickly, lmao!!

Consider this post a sort-of SHIPPING CALL for Elmer's Hard Feelings verse? I'm open to lots of different plots & dynamics with this one, so...HIT THE LIKE?}

[diamxndinthedirt]

STRANGER THINGS SENTENCE MEME

episode 005-008.

‘hands up!’

‘how else do you think i got in here?’

‘drink. it’ll calm your nerves.’

‘i knew he was alive.’

‘don’t look at me like that.’

‘you’re not gonna like this, but i think you need to seriously consider the possibility that all this… it’s in your head.’

‘the stupid radio kept going in and out.’

‘it’s like riddles in the dark…’

‘i’m here as long as you need me, okay?’

‘how are you holding up?’

‘can we talk? alone?’

‘you need to leave.’

‘you being here… you’re just making things worse, like always.’

‘look, i’m on your side.’

‘take that down. it’s inappropriate.’

‘can’t he just, you know, outsmart the bad guys?’

‘sometimes the bad guys are smart, too.’

‘i’m gonna get you some new crayons.’

‘you want to go out there.’

‘we might not find anything.’

‘this is a terrible idea.’

‘you could tell someone, but they’re not gonna believe you.’

‘i’ll tell her when this thing is dead.’

‘we were wondering if you had time to talk?’

‘science is neat. but i’m afraid it’s not very forgiving.’

‘i’ll take care of this, alright?’

‘funny, right? they keep doing our job for us.’

‘it’s a shame what they’ve done to this family.’

‘do you even understand how a compass works?’

‘i hope that’s not meant for me.’

‘listen, i’m really sorry. i mean, even before you threatened me with a baseball bat.’

‘i was a total dick.’

‘i’ll call you later.’

‘you never cared about him!’

‘get out!’

‘you need me here.’

‘you’re a mess!’

‘maybe i’m crazy.’

‘you ever shot a gun before?’

‘he made me kill a rabbit.’

‘i cried for a week.’

‘screw that.’

‘i told you not to call me.’

‘even after everything that happened, i don’t regret any of it.’

‘do you think she’s acting weird?’

‘how far?’

‘is that okay?’

‘turn back.’

‘just hold on a little longer, oaky?’

‘don’t take it so personally, okay? i don’t like most people.’

‘you know, i was actually starting to think that you were okay.’

‘she’s trying to sabotage our mission.’

‘just leave her alone!’

‘fresh blood.’

‘it’s not safe.’

‘they bugged my place.’

‘this whole time, you were right.’

‘she used us!’

‘she’s like a stray dog!’

‘screw you!’

‘for all we know, it’s her fault.’

‘what is wrong with you?!’

‘why would you do that?!’

‘i’m not nine anymore.’

‘you’re worried about her?’

‘would you just shut up?’

‘do you want the lights off or…?’

‘couldn’t sleep?’

‘every time i close my eyes, i just keep seeing that thing.’

‘you wanna go back out there?’

‘it seems to hunt at night, like a lion or a coyote.’

‘i can’t believe she didn’t come back.’

‘she said it wasn’t safe.’

‘i shouldn’t have yelled at her.’

‘all of you were being a bunch of little assholes!’

‘she didn’t mean to hurt you.’

‘i’m not spending my time on her anymore.’

‘i’m going to the gate.’

‘don’t be frightened.’

‘they’re just here to watch.’

‘whatever it is, it can’t hurt you.’

‘it’s reaching out to you.’

‘don’t turn away from it this time.’

‘are you lost?’

‘mouth breather.’

‘you know you have to pay for those!’

‘you may have seen him on the news.’

‘i told you, you’re wasting your time.’

‘what matters is that he’s your best friend.’

‘i call bull on your logic.’

‘you read any stephen king?’

‘the doctors all say it’s a coping mechanism.’

‘what’s the weirdest part? me or the bear trap?’

‘uh-oh! she looks upset…’

‘you don’t want to be known as the lying slut now, do you?

‘kick his ass!’

‘only love makes you that crazy.’

‘you’re dead.’

‘i know you did something to me.’

‘i’ll cut him right now!’

‘that’s right! you better run!’

‘she’s our friend and she’s crazy!’

‘you come back here and she’ll kill you!’

‘i’m sorry…’

‘i’m the monster.’

‘you saved me.’

‘still pretty?’

‘i’m happy you’re home.’

‘the bad men are coming!’

‘they’re on us!’

‘that was – awesome.’

‘friends don’t lie.’

‘why is he wearing handcuffs?’

‘i wanna see you in my office.’

‘what happened to her hair?’

‘we want to help him.’

‘do you have any idea where he might have gone?’

‘this place is like a fortress.’

‘you’re sorry? that is not good enough.’

‘you act like you’re all alone out there in the world, but you’re not.’

‘a psychotic child broke his arm!’

‘she doesn’t even look like a girl.’

‘the cops should just lock him up forever.’

‘for once in your life, shut your damn mouth!’

‘you never even liked her because she’s not miserable about you.’

‘she actually cares about other people.’

‘you gonna fight me now, too?’

‘this is an emergency. do you copy?’

‘we know you’re in trouble.’

‘if you’re there, pick up.’

‘we can protect you and we can help you.’

‘this is our government. they’re on our side.’

‘maybe this is all a trap and the bad men are coming to get us right now!’

‘is that my dress?’

‘i can’t find them.’

‘how do we make her better?’

‘i can find them.’

‘i have a science question.’

‘do you know anything about sensory deprivation tanks? specifically how to build one?’

‘why are you keeping this curiosity door locked?’

‘we’ll be careful.’

‘it’s not gonna snow next week, is it?’

‘i don’t want you anywhere near this, alright?’

‘i’m gonna find him. you gotta trust me on this.’

‘what did she even eat?’

‘she really likes eggos.’

‘i knew you were acting weird.’

‘no more secrets, okay?’

‘from now on, we tell each other everything.’

‘you’re a very brave girl. you know that, don’t you?’

‘i am gonna be there with you the whole time.’

‘if it ever gets too scary in that place, you just let me know, okay?’

‘gone.’

‘we’re right here.’

‘don’t be afraid. i’m right here with you.’

‘i’ve got you.’

‘it’s okay. you’re safe.’

‘you’re okay.’

‘you tell him i’m coming.’

‘hurry.’

‘you did so good…’

‘i’m gonna find him.’

‘i wanna finish what we started.’

‘i want to kill it.’

‘let me out!’

‘i want to save them.’

‘i can’t do that. not without your help.’

‘i know who you are…’

‘i know what you’ve done.’

‘now you’re asking for my help? go to hell.’

‘did i stutter?’

‘i know you went a little too far this time and you messed up in a big way.’

‘you really messed up, didn’t you?’

‘you’re just a junkie.’

‘they’re probably just sucking face somewhere.’

‘where’s the girl?’

‘nobody’s ever gonna find out about this.’

‘you’re gonna leave them alone.’

‘this place had nothing to do with it.’

‘i want you to slow down your breathing. take deep breaths.’

‘just breathe…’

‘stop talking.’

‘this is crazy!’

‘in case you forgot, we’re still fugitives.’

‘the bad men are still looking for us.’

‘she’s kind of a badass now, so…’

‘i’m just gonna go get some chocolate pudding.’

‘you need to leave.’

‘did he do this to you?!’

‘i’m not asking you, i’m telling you – get out of here!’

‘is that – is that gasoline?’

‘put the gun down.’

‘will someone please explain to me what the hell is going–?!’

‘this is crazy. this is crazy. this is crazy. this is crazy! this is crazy! this is crazy!’

‘are you insane?! it’s going to come back!’

‘come on, you son of a bitch!’

‘go to hell, you son of a bitch!’

‘it has to be dead… it has to be.’

‘i found the chocolate pudding!’

‘what’s “putting”?’

‘she can make you whatever you like.’

‘my point is, they’ll take care of you.’

‘this will charge your battery right up, i’m tleling you.’

‘they found us.’

‘she’s just drained…’

‘there’s more blood.’

‘she’s barely breathing.’

you want her, you have to kill us first!’

‘eat shit!’

‘you’re sick, but i’m going ot make you better.’

‘bad.’

‘the bad man’s gone.’

‘promise?’

‘is it dead?’

‘no more.’

‘goodbye.’

‘he’s not breathing–’

‘i love you more than anything in the world.’

‘i need you to wake up now.’

‘just breathe. breathe.’

‘you’re okay…’

‘you’re home.’

‘you’re safe.’

i made you a new mixtape.’

‘be careful with him.’

‘it’s dead.’

‘we made a new friend.’

‘she has superpowers.’

‘something is coming.s omething angry.’

‘whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, that’s not it, is it?’

‘it doesn’t make any sense!’

‘he farted.’

‘you’re like a little girl!’

‘i didn’t get you anything.’

‘can i open it?’

‘did you give it to him?’

‘no more snooping.’

‘it’s fun.’

[diamxndinthedirt]

@shctupmeg sent a sentence starter: “Are you okay?”

diamxndinthedirt:  

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{♥} – Elmer’s pen loosely scribed an enumerated list of the customer’s purchases, having been temporarily tasked with writing manual receipts on account of the register malfunctioning (again).

Of course, his few brief moments of inattention to his surroundings enabled one of the regulars to go unnoticed loading up his arms with about a dozen hot dogs which were then unceremoniously hurled towards him behind the counter before they abandoned the store on foot with an impertinent cackle of self-satisfaction. This was the third time this week. 

With his pen & paper having been knocked out of his hands, the store clerk hollered after them, ❝Hey, hey, SIR…! SIR, I have asked you three times now to PLEASE STOP DOING THAT…!❞ Elmer sighed in exploited defeat as their hooded silhouette disappeared around the corner, bending down to retrieve his pen & pad from the ground and muttering in occupational discontent, ❝I got my bachelor’s for this…❞

The by-standing customer’s question appeared to catch him off guard, and he raised his head to look at the teen with a sort-of incertitude engaged in his expression. Nobody had ever actually asked him that before. He didn’t quite know how to take it. Accustomed to the workplace affairs, Elmer shrugged his resignation to his circumstances, his chest too empty to feel expressively upset about it, though he was clearly aggrieved in some diluted sense of the word. ❝Yeaaah, I’m used to the interminable bullshit...some people are such god damn pieces of shit. Look at that...! They even ruined the receipt.❞ He tore off the sheet of paper from the pad, soiled with mustard, and tossed it lackadaisically into the trashcan behind him, ❝I’m sorry, ma’am. I’m gonna have to start again. Thank you for your extended patience.❞

[diamxndinthedirt]

DIAMXNDINTHEDIRT:

PINNED POST

INDEPENDENT ROLEPLAY/ASK BLOG FOR "ELMER PHITTS", A CANON CHARACTER AFFILIATED WITH THE "BRANDON ROGERS" FANDOM.

ESTABLISHED OCTOBER 2019.

18+ YEARS RP EXPERIENCE.

SELECTIVE.

MULTISHIP & MULTIVERSE.

MUN & MUSE OF AGE.

WRITTEN BY DUCKIE NELLA MORIARTY.

BIO - VERSES - RULES & STATS - MUN - MUSINGS - SPOTIFY PLAYLIST - NON-CANON SHITPOSTING SIDEBLOG - ALL RP BLOGS - ASKBOX - MEMES Promo PSD by noahsrescources

[diamxndinthedirt]

@codenamejudas said: Judas cackled. Not AT Elmer, but the sheer honesty. “Damn dude. Nine-to-fiving got you rough eh?” He’d tried that once. He preferred his current job even if it technically labelled him as a terrorist. “You need something to get you through the day, man? Is weed legal here? It’s- it’s weed, I’ve got weed.” A handful of slightly cold change was dug out of his pocket and clinked onto the counter. “Can’t miss the car, she’s bright red with one lovely little gold side mirror. Sharing is caring yea?”

diamxndinthedirt:  

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{♥} – ❝Nine-to-five?❞ Incredulity fluctuated his tone. He should be so fucking lucky! ❝Try seven-to-ten, and for half the pay. Believe me, the legality of weed is the least of my fuckin’ problems.❞ He heaved a sigh, overworked & underpaid, ❝But yeah, it’s legal.❞

The long-suffering store clerk would ensure that each and every last penny of the loose change was accounted for before printing his receipt and setting it with Judas’ purchases. Elmer glanced at his watch. Almost lunchtime. ❝Can you give me a couple minutes to lock up? My manager isn’t here today, so…I’m on duty, I suppose.❞

[diamxndinthedirt]

Anonymous said: Aww Arent you a cutie!

diamxndinthedirt:  

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{♥} – If he was amused, his sobersided expression failed to express it. He didn’t even have the heart to feel flattered about it. ❝Yeah, well…maybe, I was born with it. Maybe, it was genetic engineering. I guess we’ll never know.❞ Elmer listlessly tapped some buttons on the register in order to finalise the sale, ❝That’s gonna be $3.62. Do you need a bag with your purchase today?❞

[diamxndinthedirt]

Anonymous said: ur swaggerific

diamxndinthedirt:  

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{♥} – Elmer stared blankly into their eyes, quite obstinately unmoved. ❝Oh, wow. Thank you for the inspiration. That really made a difference to my day. I’ll definitely have to remember that the next time I’m astride your mom.❞

[diamxndinthedirt]

@tankthrust sent a sentence starter: ❛ i could keep you safe. they’re all afraid of me. ❜

diamxndinthedirt:  

»»————-　♡　————-««

{♥} – Alright, so it had become unmistakably clear that Elmer’s predilection for snarky one-liners had finally caught up with him, this much was evident by the tooled-up trio of angry customers that were hot on his heels. Damn his longstanding inability to refrain from calling customers derogatory pejoratives on a recurring basis!

Still, Elmer couldn’t be sure which was worse; the gun-wielding thugs or the redoubtable grin upon the face of Bryce Tankthrust when he made it around the next corner. If Elmer had a heart, he was certain that her smile would’ve sent a violent shiver of fear down his spine. As it were, revulsion was the prevailing bias, though he was in absolutely no position to show it.

She obviously knew he was in trouble, or she wouldn’t have referred to ‘keeping him safe’. That begged the question though: why would she expend the effort when she could just as easily have another ten of him cloned at the snap of her fingers? Elmer got the gist that there was more to this than what met the eye. Mistrust squinted his dark eyes as he examined her for further clues, ❝Ma’am…?❞

[diamxndinthedirt]

@gas-stxtion sent a sentence starter: ❛ i’m trying to fix your hair, so hold still. ❜ //from rosa!!

diamxndinthedirt:  

»»————-　♡　————-««

{♥} – Having a heart came with new surprises every day, this much was becoming evident to Elmer. He was perceptive to so much more than he could’ve ever conceptualised without a heart. It was strange, and at times, uncomfortable, but this was only the beginning of what was to come.

An unexpected surge of indignancy rose abruptly inside him as a passer-by mistakenly spilled their coffee over him during their short walk from the counter back to their table across the café without seeming to give much in the way of acknowledgement. He was so accustomed to targeted disrespect in the workplace that the splash of coffee in his hair had been erroneously assumed to be intentional. Elmer didn’t get out much outside of work. In fact, this was the very first time he’d ever fulfilled social commitments in what was quite possibly the entirety of his life…

Gratefully, Rosa seemed to be sympathetic towards that and had yet to criticise him for his proclivity to be aloof. It was still something he was struggling to unlearn.

Poised for instinctual verbal retaliation, Elmer inhaled a sharp breath to speak and flicked his head toward the person with the unsteady hands. That was, until Rosa’s fingers unanticipatedly delved into his hair to tidy the mess of damp blond strands affected by the spill. Paralysed by the gentle, unfamiliar comfort of physical contact, he caught sight of his reflection in a decorative mirror hung up on the wall; irrationally angered over what suddenly felt like distant history, now mellowed by the reassurance of Rosa’s temperate touch, so simple & mutually platonic and yet so vital to his emotional development at that time. What the Hell...? Why did he feel so sad all of a sudden, as if he had weights in his pockets, grounding him heavily to his seat? Elmer had very little experience in the way of human contact. He had never really been touched before. At least not benignly; not by a friend. Okay, so they weren’t exactly friends. Not yet, at least. It wasn’t like they’d ever really spoken about their personal lives. To be honest, Elmer wouldn’t even know where to begin with his. But they’d been hanging out around each other from time to time, and today they had met up for coffee after his shift. In all senses of the word, Rosa was the nearest semblance to a friend of which Elmer had ever had. It was a concept of which both daunted and liberated him.

Holy shit, that was pathetic, wasn’t it...? Who knew that having feelings would turn him into such a sap? God, he was actually kind of revolted by his internal reaction to this. Why did he feel so vulnerable? She was only fixing his hair. But, the only touch he had ever truly known before this little insignificant action had been pain. The pain of being slapped into subservience. The pain of a perfectly sharpened knife cutting deep into the cavity of his chest. The pain of having his heart mercilessly torn from his ribcage, severing the ruptured muscle and connective tissue, leaving him empty…a stagnant husk…devoid...

This was different. This touch didn’t take. It didn’t hurt. It didn’t intend to cause him to suffer. It wasn't even that numb, neutral feeling as it would have been if he didn't have his heart. It felt warm. It gave him hope. It made him feel human, for the first time in what felt like a fucking eternity. He simply wouldn't have had the capability to experience this as it was if it hadn't been for his transplant. Nor would he ever have had the opportunity to meet someone for coffee. He wondered what it was about his new (semi)-emotive self that had all of a sudden caused him to become perceived by people outside of his workplace. He had not been created to be noticed. He had been created to serve. Even now, the computer chip lodged inside him was displaying his exact location to The Red Queen, Bryce Tankthrust herself...he could almost feel it itching. Of course, it wasn't, and this was just a psychosomatic factor of his anxiety around being found out, but the comprehension of that did rather little to stop it from itching, even so.

❝Y-yeah, uh…okay.❞ Elmer brought his cup of coffee to his lips and sipped to recollect himself, his brows furrowed and gaze fixated upon the table. He must've appeared discomfited, and he supposed that in a way, he was. But not by Rosa, it was emotional insecurity that left him feeling ill at ease in those moments. He hoped she could discern the difference, though it was doubtful given how little she knew about him. After a second or two, Elmer cleared his throat and looked up from the table. ❝...So, hey...Rosa...I'm sorry I had to switch locations, by the way. I guess I just didn't feel like going to Tankthrust Coffee today...anyway, I heard the owner of that place is a blood-thirsty cunt and she eats people.❞ Elmer appeared to have very little issue with expressing this while fully looking Rosa directly in the eye. Well, he was certain about his feelings regarding something, at least...

[diamxndinthedirt]

&. 𝐚𝐧 𝐚𝐬𝐬𝐨𝐫𝐭𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐭 𝐨𝐟 𝐝𝐢𝐚𝐥𝐨𝐠𝐮𝐞 𝐩𝐫𝐨𝐦𝐩𝐭𝐬.

( this is basically just a very self indulgent list of various fluff, angst, and suggestive themed dialogue sentence starters. )

❛ i could keep you safe. they’re all afraid of me. ❜

❛ i’m trying to fix your hair, so hold still. ❜

❛ your heart is beating so fast right now. ❜

❛ promise me you’ll still be here when i wake up. ❜

❛ you’re not as bad as everyone says you are. ❜

❛ i thought you’d like some company. ❜ 

❛ clean yourself up. you're getting blood all over the place. ❜

❛ here, give this a try and tell me what you think. ❜

❛ you can kiss me, you know. ❜

❛ come back to bed. ❜

❛ you look good like this. ❜

❛ working together again, it’s just like old times. ❜

❛ how is it you always know what i need, huh? ❜

❛ you’re lucky you got away with only a scratch. ❜ 

❛ i can’t imagine losing someone like that. i’m sorry. ❜

❛ you know you can always talk to me. ❜

❛ the only one who gets to kill you, is me. ❜

❛ so, what do i owe this pleasure? ❜

❛ ah, so you aren’t heartless after all. ❜

❛ may i have this dance? ❜ 

❛ it’s okay, you can touch me. i won't break. ❜

❛ enemies make the best lovers, you know. ❜

❛ hold still. this might sting a little. ❜

❛ we can't keep doing this. ❜ 

❛ you look like you've got something to say. ❜

❛ just relax and let me take care of you. ❜

❛ thought you’d be lighter without all that blood. ❜

❛ i had it under control. you didn’t need to do that. ❜

❛ everything looks so beautiful from up here. ❜

❛ you treat all your ladies like this? ❜

❛ well? how do i look? ❜

❛ can’t sleep? ❜

❛ do you mind if i smoke? ❜

❛ i’m scared of ending up alone. ❜

❛ i don’t think i’ve ever seen you smile. ❜

❛ how long has it been since you've slept? ❜

❛ you are losing my interest, and that’s very dangerous. ❜

❛ i’d suffer hell if you’d tell me what you’d do to me tonight. ❜

❛ you look really pretty right now. ❜

❛ i’ve never cared for anyone the way i care for you. ❜

❛ i’m not wearing any underwear. thought you’d like to know. ❜

❛ just a few more stitches and you’ll be as good as new. ❜

❛ i’d say we make a pretty good team. ❜

❛ i want you to forget this ever happened. ❜

❛ i'm here for business — not pleasure. ❜

❛ if i didn't know any better, i'd say you were jealous. ❜

❛ you'd look better down on your knees. ❜

❛ fine, keep acting like you hate me. ❜

❛ kiss me again. ❜

❛ are you asking me out on a date? ❜

❛ just sit there and look pretty and let me handle this. ❜

❛ you okay? caught you staring off into space again. ❜

❛ well, i do feel better now that you're here. ❜

❛ i'm not drunk enough for this. ❜ 

❛ why is it whenever we see each other, you’re covered in blood? ❜

❛ i was wrong about you. ❜ 

❛ the first time i met you, i had no idea you'd mean this much. ❜

❛ you gonna be a good girl / boy for me? ❜

❛ i’m not afraid of you. ❜

❛ books mean more to me than people anyway. ❜

❛ i just wanted to say thank you for protecting me. ❜

❛ how about a kiss goodnight? ❜

❛ i don’t have time for distractions right now. ❜

❛ you shouldn’t be out here by yourself. ❜ 

❛ if i have to think about one more thing today, my head will explode. ❜

[diamxndinthedirt]

@discipulusmaleficus sent a sentence starter: ❛ today isn’t your day, is it? ❜

diamxndinthedirt:  

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{♥} – Elmer swiped his hair, streaked with bird-crap, away from in front of his lifeless brown eyes to stare dispassionately into the customer’s own. He heaved a sigh, ❝It never is, Sir. Just another day on the job for me.❞ He’d spent the past thirty-seconds or so haplessly chasing two youths around the store who’d been running up and down the aisles with the sole intent of purposely relieving the shelves of all their stock, sending items including but not limited to toilet cleaner, cans of beans, USB phone chargers, and plastic toothbrush holders all crashing to the ground into one big collective mess of which Elmer would later have to sort through and re-stack.

❝Please, excuse the literal shit in my hair. A bird crapped on me while I was chasing those two kids outta the store, because of course it fuckin’ did. Is there anything I can help you find today, Sir?❞ Elmer raised his hand to suddenly cover his left eye, blinking furiously. ❝Oh - God dammit! Hold on, I think I got bird shit in my eye...! I swear to God, if I get pink eye because of those retarded little fucks, I'm gonna drink all the bleach on aisle six!❞

[diamxndinthedirt]

{It's been nearly two years since I last posted here?! Well, guess who the fuck spent the entirety of the day re-watching Brandon's content due to a sudden re-surge in their hyper-fixation with this character?!

LIKE THIS POST for SENTENCE MEMES in your ask from Elmer Phitts!}

[diamxndinthedirt]

@bigidiotenergy​ sent a sentence starter: "the weather today is partly suspicious with chances of betrayal." - from rhis

diamxndinthedirt:  

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{♥} – Elmer glanced up from the, for lack of a nicer term, freshly laid pile of human waste that he was scraping off from the floor of aisle six. Why was it always aisle six?! What was it about drain cleaner & bowls of instant noodles that would entice someone to wanna repeatedly take shits there? To be honest, Rhis was the least of his problems at that moment in time. ❝Oh, God,❞ Elmer complained at the sight of him, ❝did you seriously come all the way out here just to bitch at me? Look - I told you yesterday, I didn’t betray you, I just...withheld relevant information. So, if you would do me the honour of fucking off now...in case you hadn’t noticed, I’ve got enough shit to deal with right now - far more literally than I would prefer!❞ Elmer shot one last look brimming with contrived customer service civility towards Rhis before redirecting his attention back to the fetid mess that was definitely going to require another bottle of disinfectant. ❝Anyway, I can’t talk here...you know that. Later, okay?❞ It was as if Rhis was trying to get him found out! If Bryce knew what he’d done, he was a dead man walking.