diaryofneha

[diaryofneha]

aquarius placements and expressing their emotions on an unnatural way

[diaryofneha]

LILITH POSITIONING ACROSS ASTROLOGICAL SIGNS AND HOUSES

LILITH IN ARIES/1ST HOUSE: With a captivating physique, X exudes ambition and competitiveness, yet occasionally appears a bit cheeky. They carry an air of confidence, occasionally perceived as provocative, yet harboring subtle insecurities. Intimidation comes naturally to them, driven by an intense focus on goals. Embracing rebellion, they stand out, and their presence is hard to ignore. X embodies the spirit of someone unafraid to voice opinions, akin to the student who speaks up to the teacher. Their allure extends to a desire for personal transformation, perhaps even considering changes in appearance.

LILITH IN TAURUS/2ND HOUSE: X navigates a world marked by materialism and occasional self-reflection on body image. Issues surrounding food and self-esteem surface, creating a unique journey. Others might envy them for their magnetic charm and allure. Financial boundaries become a grey area, and their choices may not align with traditional moral values. X, with a captivating face and a mesmerizing voice, grapples with a constant hunger for more, never fully satisfied.

LILITH IN GEMINI/3RD HOUSE: Always ahead of the curve, X possesses a way with words that others envy. Sibling dynamics might stir jealousy or comparisons. Sarcasm and clever storytelling are their forte, accompanied by a unique sense of humor. Dark thoughts may cross their mind, and early school experiences shape a somewhat unstable outlook. X sees through people with a sharp tongue, occasionally causing conflicts but showcasing an insightful nature.

LILITH IN CANCER/4TH HOUSE: A nomadic life defines X's experiences, marked by family conflicts and maternal influences. Their journey involves female rivalry, emotional insights, and a quest for a sense of home. X grapples with the complexities of motherhood, either desiring it intensely or feeling the need to avoid it altogether. The influence of a mother figure lingers, leaving traces of rejection.

LILITH IN LEO/5TH HOUSE: X has a taste for unconventional art and may express themselves through creative endeavors. Custody battles and challenges with their own children mark their path. X desires attention, occasionally facing judgment for their self-expression. The stage becomes a platform for rebellion, with a fixation on pleasure and occasional struggles with addictive behaviors.

LILITH IN VIRGO/6TH HOUSE: X approaches life with a critical lens, often seeking recognition for their efforts. Body image becomes a focal point, either through their own scrutiny or the judgment of others. Their service-oriented nature sometimes leads to overcommitment, and they may grapple with extreme views on diet and exercise. The Lilith journey includes experiences with healthcare and a nuanced relationship with hygiene.

LILITH IN LIBRA/7TH HOUSE: X navigates love triangles and occasionally experiences passive-aggressive dynamics. Their charm attracts Lilith-influenced partners, and they may feel incomplete without a significant other. Relationships involve subtle power dynamics, and X might project Lilith qualities onto others. They face challenges such as infidelity and being left for someone else, shaping a complex romantic narrative.

LILITH IN SCORPIO/8TH HOUSE: X exudes power and a touch of mystery. They possess profound psychological insights and occasionally intimidate with their intuition. Privacy is paramount to them, and they may engage in unorthodox behaviors. Fear of exposure lingers, leading to intense reactions from others. X's Lilith journey involves topics like mortality, taxation, and an exploration of intimate relationships.

LILITH IN SAGITTARIUS/9TH HOUSE: X encounters challenges related to religion, education, and socio-economic backgrounds. They may hold strong opinions and rebel against tradition, leading to a sense of being an outcast. X's journey involves a struggle for acceptance and rejection, shaping a unique perspective on cultural dynamics.

LILITH IN CAPRICORN/10TH HOUSE: X becomes a subject of public fascination, carrying an aura of the unconventional. Fear of failure and challenges in professional relationships shape their journey. Lilith dynamics contribute to occasional scrutiny and accusations, adding layers to their professional narrative.

LILITH IN AQUARIUS/11TH HOUSE: X aligns with unique social groups, occasionally facing envy and drama. Friendships involve triangular dynamics and the occasional betrayal. X might avoid conformity and engage in rebellious activities, shaping a distinctive social journey.

[diaryofneha]

Trauma,

You’re back. In full force. Making up for the years I forgot you. You are vengeful for lost time.

I’m sick of fighting. I’m exhausted and tired. I’m in so much pain and my heart hurts.

There’s so much going on in the world and I probably feel some of it too.

I wish I didn’t feel like this. But, I’m glad I am. It feels like when I try to piece 3 pieces of myself together I fail and create 3 more.

This is fucking exhausting. I’m 28. Not 18. 28. I feel broken maybe even more so now.

I appreciate myself for standing up for myself but it feels lonely. I feel lonely. Again and again.

M says he’s on my team but I think he deserves a better team mate.

I miss my friends but they don’t need me to feel happy.

I’m sorry for the animals. I’m sorry I’m not strong like you are. I wish it was me

Not you.

I’m sorry little neha. You deserved to laugh and play and explore and I appreciate tje moments you did.

I wish it didn’t have to end like this.

A strong part of me

Wants to give up. Throw in the

Towel

. Hope I don’t wake up

I feel broken

[diaryofneha]

2.12.19

Distress can be a writer’s best friend

I feel like absolute shit. I pushed off the WISC-V report til the last fucking minute. 

After the Rohit incident Freshmen year, I vowed to myself that I’d never let a boy affect my academics. This is the first time I’m in a relationship during school (Raman for a bit) and it is inevitably effecting my academics. I need more time to myself. I can not lose my self and my relationship. I’m sorry but this relationship isn’t my #1 priority in life. It is a huge priority but not #1. And sometimes I feel coerced because I know Mooks make it his #1. Myself is #1 and by choosing him, I’m neglecting myself, once again. I refuse to do this. When he comes back I have to think of ways to tell him that I want more time for me: my school, my friends, my hobbies. I am more introverted than him, when I don’t have time alone I feel like I’m losing myself. I feel like I don’t have time alone. Im so fucking pissed of. I should be able to tell my bf that hey I can’t come over. Don’t take off a whole fucking day for me I have so much shit to do. I wasted over three mother fucking hours doing nothing when I could’ve been done with my report by now. And I am so angry at myself for that. I’m not going to displace that onto him, thank god for me being self-aware...But I am going to be more clear

I need more time for myself

School is my main focus

I can’t lose myself

I was reading Knafo’s book today and it talked about how creatives need time to themselves, it enables us to foster creativity through introspection of the unconscious. Easier to do solo than amongst others. I need to do that. Mooks is wonderful. Such a good boyfriend that it feels surreal at times. Sometimes the things he says to me goes right through me because my body has been programmed to reject kindness (especially from males). But as much as I love him I love me too. I have to express this better to him. I need to stop protecting him because it ends up hurting me

[diaryofneha]

10.9.18

Context: I made my tires flat

Sometimes I feel like all the progress I’ve done goes to shits when things like this happen. I turn into the careless, irresponsible, dumb ass that my parents still/used to see me as. Yeah I know I’m in a doctorate program and I’m intelligent in that way but at times I feel so dumb and irresponsible. But on the other hand I’m not sure if I’ll ever get to the level of responsibility I desire. Why? Stability is a bit scary to me. Not sure if it fits in my chaotic wandering mind. Routine is scary because it represents everything that I’m not. Yet, I know that it’ll be really good for me so I try to crave it. But when I do, I feel unstable again and fuck it up. Maybe I’m being too hard on myself...as usual. 

[diaryofneha]

9.23.18

I want the kind of love I can write poems about. I want consumption, coming together as one but still having lives of our own. I want the romance, the crazy irrational decisions and heartfelt letters. I want it. The intensity. Everything.

I want someone who’s kind. Whose warmth I feel whenever I speak with them. I want them to treat others with kindness because that’s inevitably how they will treat me. 

I want someone who’s adventurous. Not necessarily in a jump-of-a-plane kinda way but rather a person whose down for the new. In terms of new ideas, new places, new food. I want to explore each other as we explore the world. 

I want someone who makes me feel loved. Who, despite the seeming cruelty of everyday life, gives me warmth in the coldness of the world. I want to feel appreciated, through actions, verbal confirmations, etc. I want to be loved for all of me, even the bad.

I want someone whose humble, regardless of their wealth. I feel grateful for all the opportunities I’ve had, but not everyone has those. I want someone to realize that and not take anything for granted, and not take me for granted.

So if a person or person(s) out there exists and is willing to do that. To love, be loved, unconditionally. I hope to meet you. I won’t settle until I do.

[diaryofneha]

9.16.18

I realize I should just feel more. Sometimes I feel a thing and I know I should be happy about it but I’m not. I wish I could feel that though. But I see the reality is I don’t. I feel like moving here was a necessary steps for my healing. But I think I fell off the journey. I want to get back on it. I want to feel the beauty of this image I’m staring to it. I want to grasp it. I want to but I’ve lost it. I can’t lose it. I can’t lose me. Who am I?

[diaryofneha]

I feel like I made you up in my head

I feel like I still miss you I know I still miss you but the you I miss doesn’t exist. Loved is blind. Love really does blind you. I was so in love with you I forget about who the “you” is. Pull the trigger. I have to be more careful before I pull the trigger. Lol

[diaryofneha]

2.4.18

I am attracted to chaos. I want to do a task but then as soon as I do it I’m bored. I’m so bored easily that I create situations that provoke me emotionally just to feel something. I equate boredness with terribleness. I feel disconnected from my body. My breakup is still consuming me. I want to die occassionally. I am so disorganized just like my thoughts. I let him in I let him so in and he dissapointed me. Everyone leaves you in leave what;s the point of trying I drank wine just to feel something i am fucking up my work bc I am depressed. I am depressed. I want to die. No one wil love me. I want to kill myself

I cant see the light of the tunnel im not even spiritual anymore I’m a fuckup and failure. I am fucked up. I hate my parents I wanted to drink in order to write but instead im doing this. Fucking being shitty to myslef and talking shit baout myself. No one iwll ever love me. Including myself.

[diaryofneha]

1.7.18

To Neha,

I want you to love yourself so much that anyone who enters your life and doesn’t put you on a pedestal you leave. I want you to be kind to yourself and confident in your intellect, communication, and appearance. I want you to be able to love and breathe and laugh without any repercussions. I want you to set up boundaries for yourself so no one can talk to you with disrespect. I want you to realize that if someone is making you anxious, you have no obligation to stay with them. I want you to be selfish and help yourself more than you help others. Help yourself even when it’s hard, help yourself even when you’re scared. Keep going

To You,

I want you to inspire me and my goals. I want you to be there for me when I need you, for my lows and not judge me. Realize this is a part of me but not all of me. I want you to cuddle me with kisses and care and be sad everytime we have to say goodbye because of how much you’ll miss me. I want you to be expressive of how you feel towards me, even if it’s not too great. I want you to realize that life is short and sometimes sucky and all we have is each other. I want you to let me in and have faith in me that I want the best for you. I want you to make me feel beautiful and adore my body the way it should. I want you to envision our future together and talk about how excited you are to spend the rest of your life with me. I want you to know that your commitment to me will reap so many benefits, spiritual, and individual. I want you to be kind to my friends-they are the reason I am here and alive. I want you to make a get an effort to know them, they are my family. I want you to treat others with kindness and be cognizant and helpful to your friends. I want you to realize that there is more to life than how much you make. I want you to never doubt for a second that I’m the one you want to spend the rest of your life with. I want you to be so grateful for me, and make it known. I want you to look so forward to us hanging out, together we can take on the world. I want you to compromise, and get to know me. I want you to make me feel more me.

[diaryofneha]

12.23.17

YOOOO i fucking over-dramaticized the whole fucking relationship. Don’t get me wrong I had strong feelings for him, might have loved him, etc. but YOoooooooooooooOOOOOOOO he def aint the one. what u talking about neha lmao.

Idk there were moments that we hung out today taht I was like fuck can I go home, I’d rather be by myself right now.. Don’t get me wrong he wasn’t a total drag to hang out with but I don’t know I mean I looked at him during most points and felt nothing.

I didn’t look at his lips the way I used to, in alonging for them kinda way. I had absolutely no urge to kiss his cheek. The majority of my feelings diminished. Until he hugged me. Then I felt that warmth and comfort but that could’ve just been the comfort of a good hug. Sam gives good hugs. 

The hug threw me off a little but otherwise DUDEEEEEEE i’m cuter than him. I just need to work on my body. I have more to offer in this lif ehtan him. Yeah maybe i’m being a a lil bitch because of comparison but spare me satan lolz. Idk man I really think buddha was looking out for me 

My anxiety is relieved on the situation bc I know hes there if i I want to talk to him. And I know that urge is going to hella dimnish. Gradual diminihsing is good. It’s like getting off a drug.

Anways I’m single now. NOT INTERESTED IN ANYONE.

8 FUCKING MONTHS, AROUND 250 DAYS THAT I HAVEN’T BEEN INTERESTED IN ANYONE BUT NOW TIME TO TURN ALL THOSE PASSIONS TO MYSELF BABY.

TIME FOR THAT SWEET UNCONDITIONAL LOVE I HOPE I GET INTOR GRADSCHOOL. HOPE I MEET COOL PPL also i’m a ducking gem and whoever doesn’t see that and wanna capture that for themselves then their loss

i dont even care if we get back tg or not lol. if it happens it happens but bitch im moving the fuckkkkkkkkkk on. 

[diaryofneha]

12.17.17

So glad you called me. I couldn’t just “forget about you.” I’m so glad our conversation ended with mutual respect and care. Probably felt more of that in our last conversation than in all of our relationship.

This breakup has been really hard for me. Not only because I lost you, but also because I discovered the hard truths of life, and my own inner wounds. I was depressed and anxious, etc before dating you and that all got exacerbated in our relationship. I’m sorry you got the worst sides of me. 

-->

You were right. I’m not completely ready for a relationship bc of personal stuff. However, I told you that I could have worked on self-growth while dating you and I still think that. But truthfully that relationship wouldn’t have been as healthy on both parties as it could have been because I’m not as emotionally healthy as I could be.

Although I’m still so so hurt that we broke up, I understand it better now with time. I wasn’t ready to be your friend a month ago,

Wait stop I don’t want to be his friend with the hopes of getting back tg. Idk if I do i’m fucking stuck. If I wait too long to reach out to him the feelings would fade away and that hope would dimins

[diaryofneha]

12.10.17

A week after my breakup...the thought of him consumes me. I just want to hug him and kiss him and hold him like nothing every happened? I can’t do that now can I. I really think I miss him and the relationship? But I want to list things          I don’t miss about him to even out the playing field

1) How cold he was when expressing his feelings to me

2) How if he was stressed or anxious about something he’d be cold and disinterested and end the call so abruptly

3) How he would be so damn stingy with his money and calculate every dime he’d spend on me

4) How after I told him I like him playing with my hair he never did

5) How passion-less our makeouts (all three of them were) 

6) How he has weird sex/rape fantasies

7) How he’d be fake/disinterested in our conversations sometimes 

8) How he’d never think of cool things for us to do...planning always seemed like a chore

9) How he made absolutely 0 effort with my friends despite knowing they’re so important to me

10) How he’d never kiss me or do foreplay before sex....sex was always just centered around his pleasure

11) How cold he can be when there’s an issue w him in his head

12) How cold he was when he broke up with me

13) Never did anything too thoughtful for me on his own, I’d usually ask to do stuff and he’d do it

14) His fucked up sense of humor sometimes

15) How he was kinda a bully to his friends/ v asshole-y around them

16) How in the back of my mind I always felt like I was way more interested in him than he was in me

17) His passive aggressive comments about V and N

18) How much of an asshole he is when drunk 

19) His lack of value for close relationships

20) How he kept talking about his ex 

What I do miss

1) Our car rides jamming to music

2) Cuddling with him in bed

3) Kissing his cheek during stop lights

4) Our daily calls...best part of my day

5) His (initial) willingness to solve problems

6) Office references

7) How he’d notice..and help me notice the little things to appreciate, made me realize beauty in ordinary things

8) His penis

9) Him asking questions about my day and my opinion on stuff

10) How warm his hugs were

11) How encouraging he was of my ideas

12) How well he handled situations when I was mad at him

13) How kind he was when dealing with my anxiety 

14) How comfortable i felt with him

15) How i never really got sick of hanging out with him 

16)

[diaryofneha]

12.6.17

I️ was driving on Garden state parkway looking at the lights on the passenger seat and I️ felt the thought of you crawl up my spine. I️ miss our drives, i️ felt so comfortable w you and always cozy. we would just lean on each other during a song or a stop light and i️ miss that. I️ miss tracing the outlines of your lips with my fingers when we cuddled. I️ miss our kisses but mostly our hugs. I️ have never felt more safe and secure than anyone’s arms but yours. I️ miss running my fingers through your hair. I️ miss my face lighting up every time I️ saw your picture for caller id pop up on my screen. I️ miss our good nights and our good mornings. I️ felt so secure knowing my days started and ended with you. You were my best friend, was I️ yours? You were my favorite, was I️ yours? I️ miss you, do you miss me?

You hurt me so much baby, why’d you have to go? You broke my heart especially because you cancelled our love out of fear of uncertainty. I️ know anxiety is scary but baby we could’ve made it. I️ wouldve done it for you and for us. I️ know love can be scary but we could’ve made it.

I️ keep looking at my phone hoping you call. Hoping to hear the sound of your voice as it always comforts me. You have always comforted me. Please reach out I️ hope you do. Please give in. If you miss me let me know. Please Chris, it’s not too late. I️ don’t want it to be over baby. I️ don’t want to let you go. Maybe you have already let me go...actually you probably have.

I️ will never forget you. You were my first love, maybe I️ wasn’t yours. Maybe you never loved me at all. The love and care I️ gave to you and would’ve kept giving to you was unconditional, Iknow you weren’t capable of it

Fuck you/I️ miss you

[diaryofneha]

12.5.17

I miss you baby. I know I should’nt but I do. I know you don’t miss me (at/all, nearly the way I miss you)

I miss your cheesy smile and your Jim-like facial expressions. I miss how peaceful you looked when you slept. I miss having you lay on my chest and me petting your hair and holding you. I miss our cheek kisses which progressed into real kisses at red lights. I miss giggling with you and being silly. I miss hearing the sound of your voice, a voice that was so helpful in always comforting me. I miss our hugs, I had never felt so warm and secure in anyone’s arms but yours. I miss eating bagels with you after I slept over and conversing with your mom. I miss your keen observation and ability to point out detail. I miss you because you appreciated the little things in life, the little parts of the background that the general population looks past. I miss going to cool places with you and always being in awe. I miss tickling you and touching your butt when we were out in public. I miss how you held me. I miss watching you make your to-do lists from the comfort of your bed. I miss shaping the outline of your hands. I miss moisturizing your cracked out hands. I miss you warming me up, you never failed to heat me up.  I miss our cute hand motions when we were jamming out to music. I miss driving to your house over your bridge and thinking of you when I looked at how minuscule the cars looked in the distance. I miss our hugs so fucking much. 

I loved you.

[diaryofneha]

12.4.17

KARMA POLICE ARREST THIS MAN

I thought I found my soulmate. I thought I found my best friend. I thought I found my buddy to go through life with.  I thought I found him but I was so so wrong. 

I

To Chris, 

Why me? You knew you didn’t want a relationship but you still led me on for five months. You made me love you. We built a foundation that all goes to waste because of you and your selfishness.

Maybe you don’t make a mistake but man you lost it all. I would’ve been there for you, would’ve accepted BS for you. Would’ve been patient and supportive and nurturing and loving but you rejected that. As I am writing this in paper I realize that I shouldn’t have to go through BS for anyone or compromise, but that’s what you do in love. Which is what I thought I had with you.

Yesterday felt like I dream I wanted to pinch myself and wake up. I kept saying why now why so suddenly when things between us were going well. Why ruin a relationship for things that may not even happen in the future? You were scared admit it. You were scared of love and falling for me because we both know you would’ve.

Although you are a narcissist (and ya know it) I hope you find love. I really hope you love yourself and give love. Life is so cruel but love keeps you going through it. 

Despite my statement above I still don’t wish to speak with you or be with you again. I know that I liked the idea of you and what I thought you were more than who you are. A part of me resents you for making me your victim. A part of me is furious at you. But a larger part of me is furious at me for letting this happen. 

I honestly hope your business crumbles. Not (entirely) because I’m so fucking hurt by you but because through that you can learn that life is not just about achieving status. Ever thought about the importance of human connection? Hope you learn that one day. I tried to teach you, and you tried to learn it but you’re right it wasn’t you. Being kind isn’t you.

Neha

[diaryofneha]

11.15.17

I feel me retracting more and more into myself in this relationship. I think it’s beyond healthy levels. I’ve been paying attention to how I feel after I talk to C -> depleted, and sad. After I speak on the phone with my friends I feel energized and happy. I noticed this drastic difference in my mood through speaking on the phone with Natasha. I honestly teared up because of that difference. I felt so much love, it felt great. 

Idk what hurts more, the fact that I’m in yet another relationship that I’m not getting enough from (emotional warmth, consideration, romance) or that I got myself into this position yet again. It hurts me that he said he would be fine not talking to me for your day? Aren’t I your best friend? Shouldn’t you be thinking about me? I feel like we’re in a contract or business deal, like he’s doing things because I tell him too. Or we’re meeting up because I feel like we have too. Or he’s talking to cool place in exchange for “sex” I give him--haha I can’t forget that one. This whole empathy and sensitive bullshit act is fake. I have a radar for bullshit and it’s all over him. I feel like he doesn’t care about me and him apologizing to me and saying “I appreciate before something I do” isn’t going to help. I don’t think he gets me, I don’t think he cares too. 

I have cried more over this relationship then I need too. I have to question myself if I am even happy with him. I don’t know how to process anything, I want to retract so much. I’m crying in Panera bread, I’ve cried over three times today. I can’t even remember the last time this has happened. I don’t like this at all. Even when he referred to V “stealing me” he said he’s stealing my “job”. I don’t think he has feelings I think it’s all bullshit. He puts himself above anything and so much above me. I think he sucked the light out of me, I was so nurturing and now I honestly don’t give a a fuck even though I’m sad as fuck.  People have told me I deserve better and I feel it. Too bad Chris, you fucking lost it all. You could’ve had it all.