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“Alas... earwax!”

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Disney's delaying this month's announced opening of Rivers of Light. 

I guess they forgot to book their FastPasses 2 months ago.

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My blog is like the Carousel of Progress. It still operates seasonally, but the last major update was ages ago.

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so how do you feel about the new Rivers of Light show that's going to off EVERY night right next to where you live?

I’m sure it will be great.

Until it breaks and Disney just starts shining a strobe light in guests’ eyes every evening and hopes no one notices.

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Test Track 2.0: the look of TRON with the feel of anti-lock brakes.

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The Great Movie Ride is like an elementary school play: Cute, free, and filled with terrible acting.

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The new Norway attraction is being called "Frozen Ever After." Apparently they're naming it after me.

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MagicBand blogging.

It’s hard to believe it’s already mid-2014. The time sure has flown by. And by flown I mean dragged. And by dragged I mean, “Holy trolley-horse poop, these have been the longest years of my life.”

I started this blog back in 2010. It was a different time then. But a lot has changed: Fantasyland has grown. The Magic Kingdom is gaining a ride. Ke$ha has lost her dollar sign. Even blogging today is different.

So when the imagineers helped me move my blog from the old server to this new one, they also made some “enhancements” to my blogging platform.

Gone are the old-fashioned days of typing in a username and password to log in. Not anymore! No, sir. Now, I have a MagicBand band. So whenever I want to blog, all I have to do is:

create a MyDisneyBlogExperience account

download the MyDisneySmartphoneBloggingAppExperience app

log into the MyDisneySmartphoneBloggingAppExperience app using my MyDisneyBlogExperience username and password

link the MyDisneyBlogExperience account to my MagicBand band

call up the MyMagicalTechSupportExperience+ techs to find out why I’m getting someone else’s blog posts in my account

start all over and repeat the process until it works

find the missing page of the Substitutiary Locomotion spell

recite the spell inside the park while launching the app and twisting my MagicBand band smartly a quarter turn to the left

and voila!

See? So much simpler.

The new system even makes it easier to write the blogs themselves. Before, I had to think of something to write and write it. With the new MyDisneyBlogExperience+, though, I get to select from one of 3 conveniently predetermined blog topics. As long as I make my selection 6 months before the post date and don’t try to write two blogs within the same category of posts, the system takes care of the rest!

Well, I still have to write the post, of course. But the system takes care of all that pesky deciding and spontaneity. I’ll never have to experience things in the moment ever again.

Man. How did we live before we had all this technology?

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A long-awaited return.

Hello? Hello?

Testing. One. Two. Three.

It’s working! My dictation program is back online! I can blog again!

I’d do a happy dance right now… if only I could do a happy dance. Or any dance. Or even just give a thumbs up.

Ahem.

Greetings, humans and creatures of the interwebs! My name is B. Mode, and I’m the Disco Yeti. If this is your first time joining us, you’ll want to click here to read from the beginning and catch up with the story. Trust me, you’ll thank me for it.

If you’ve read my blog before, you already know that I’m a broken animatronic yeti working for the Mouse. (No, not Chuck E. Cheese; the other Mouse.) You also know I haven’t blogged in about three years.

Where have I been all this time? Well, here in the mountain, naturally. Unfortunately, my wi-fi went out and it took three years to get a Comcast repairman up here. You know how cable companies are: “We’ll have someone out there some time between 1pm... and 2014.” And they always show up just when you’ve gone to the bathroom.

So I’ve had a lot of time to hang around. My lack of mobility sort of limits my options, but I found ways to stay busy. I took up voice-dictated needlework for a while. I tried asking Siri a bunch of rude questions until she refused to talk to me anymore. At one point, I actually got so bored that I tried watching the Johnny Depp Lone Ranger movie. But even I have my limits.

Now that I’m back, though, there’s so much to talk about! Lots of things have happened in the parks, some good, some bad, and some ugly. Never fear, we’ll get to it all.

And, hey, the current state of Disney animation seems to be pretty good (unlike the current state of my animation). We’ve had some great non-Pixar hits lately that are bringing new energy and excitement to the brand. There’s even a new movie all about me and my current condition!

For now, I’m back to blogging. I’ve moved the site to Tumblr, so you can follow me and ask me questions without all the messy spam problems we had on the old site. So whenever you see something weird, wonky, broken, or unintentionally hilarious at the parks, send me a message, and I just might post it.

It’s good to be back.

Your friend, B. Mode “So I’m a bit of a fixer-upper...” The Disco Yeti

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A salute to all nations, but mostly Pandora.

Recently, the Forbidden Mountain has received thousands of emails asking my opinion on the recent announcement that Avatar will be coming to Animal Kingdom.

And I'd like to tell you how I feel. But I can't, because this is a family show.

However, I will say that Disney doesn't make these decisions lightly. Much thought goes into a major park expansion like this, and the planning is much, much more complicated than simply asking "What movie will bring us the most money?"

You see, Walt Disney World is about more than money and film franchises. It's about creating experiences for kids of all ages, making dreams come true by giving you the chance to live out your childhood fantasies. It's that special sort of pixie dust that Walt Disney himself was so famous for.

Which is why the very first time an entire land at Walt Disney World is going to be based on just one movie (it's true!), it's a movie distributed by 20th Century Fox. 

...and rated PG-13. 

...that you'll totally still care about in 2017.

But I'm getting ahead of myself.

What I really want to talk about today is The Muppets. Contrary to popular belief, Muppet Vision 3D did not open in 1989 with the park. It opened two years later in 1991, and is the very, very, very last thing Jim Henson actually worked on before he died in 1990. This was his last performance as Kermit the Frog, the Swedish Chef and Waldorf (the shorter one) before we got, as someone once said, "wrong-sounding Muppets."

But in 2004, Disney bought the Muppets. Not just the rights, not just a "Dry Clean Only" Sweetums costume (which is standing in for me right now, as we speak), but the whole franchise. Everything except Sesame Street and Fraggle Rock can now be used anywhere at Walt Disney World, for free, as much as they would like, forever. And what a franchise! Jim Henson started creating the characters before Disneyland even opened (it's true!), and CP's still squee every time a new YouTube video comes out because nothing else quite has that same warm, safe, friendly, funny feeling as seeing Statler and Waldorf heckle Fozzie Bear or hearing Miss Piggy do a karate chop.

So we're opening Avatarland.

Oops!  I'm sorry, we're talking about the Muppets.

And let's be honest; the Muppets already have a very solid attraction. Very solid. The most recent time I was able sneak in there and don my specially made, three-foot-wide pink glasses, it was great! The only issues were the fountain outside not turning, some of the preshow TVs not having sound, the already raised penguin orchestra, the smoke when Waldo squeals his tires, the bubbles starting a minute early and ending five minutes late, Statler and Waldorf's mouths not moving, the Swedish Chef having his gun too early and then not moving, the left side of the theater already being destroyed when I came in (not my fault this time), Waldo's "football team" getting lost, Bean Bunny's mouth not moving, half the ceiling fireworks not working, the other half of the fireworks never turning off, Fozzie's squirting flower not squirting, the blown speaker behind the screen and the arrow that's supposed to hit Statler and Waldorf's box during the glorious three-hour finale. 

Also, Miss Piggy was not able to finish her song due to a water ski malfunction.

So if I may dust off an old hat, I'd like to award "It's Tough to Be A Muppet 3D" a childhood-crushing:

3.5 out of 5 Disco Yetis

And to "Avatar: The Latest Potter-Killer," I give a rarely seen:

5 out of 5 Disco Yetis

Be afraid, Harry. Because the kids, they love those blue things.

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You like me! You really like me!

Well who'd have thunk it? It seems my little song is getting some love out there on the interwebs. Thanks, everyone. I'm already deciding where to put my first Grammy.

To those of you who are newbies to my little piece of the net, welcome. I'm pleased to make your acquaintance. Okay, that last part was a lie, but we'll pretend.

So here's the skinny, newbies. Pay attention, because there will be a quiz later. I'm stuck up here in this cave with nothing to do except dictate quasi-amusing blogs. Sometimes I write about my life as an animatronic yeti. Other times I just tease Disney about things that are funny and/or broken. Really, it depends on my mood. Sometimes I don't write for a few weeks, and then everyone freaks out and thinks I've gone away. But I'm like those roaches behind the refrigerator; I'm never really gone. I just stay hidden from time to time to mess with your mind.

If you want to get caught up, you can read all my past blog entries. Or, if you're a lazybones, here are a few of my personal favorite soapboxes:

- Figment is responsible for everything evil.

- The Disney font is out of control.

- Disney can't spell. (Neither can Universal.) 

- Universal tried to kidnap me.

- Star Tours is getting B Mode. So are all these other attractions.

- Here are the differences between Disneyland and Disney World.

- This is what they should have done for the Haunted Mansion gravestones.

- Sure they've got Harry Potter, but we've got Toy Story. Just as good, right?

  There's plenty more, but you'll have to check the archive to find out what else you're missing. In the meantime, pardon me. I'm having unspeakable things done to me behind this scrim in the dark. Someone call the ASPCA.

Your friend (and future puppet?), B. Mode The Disco Yeti

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The Disco Yeti song.

How rude!

I was right in the middle of a shoot for my new music video when...

BAM!

Disney turned the lights out on me! Now I'm stuck here in the dark with no way to continue shooting the video!

I was at least able to restore power to my laptop, so while I try to figure out what to do about these lights, I thought I might as well give you the audio version of my new song.

So here it is, folks... the new Disco Yeti song!

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Stupid Disney, trying to get in the way of my pop star career... grumble, grumble.

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But maybe with less blatant advertising.

I guess it's time that I told you all the truth.

The real reason I've been quieter lately is that I've decided to follow in the footsteps of Lady Gaga and Britney Spears.

No, not like that. I'm a macho yeti! Grunt! Roar! Wheeze!

But see, stuck up here in the mountain, day in and day out, you end up watching a lot of YouTube. And after a few hours of Keyboard Cat, the kid who dances to Single Ladies, and a bunch of animated robot animals, you start to long for something with production value. 

Oh, and by "you," I mean "me." I hope that's not confusing to you. Er, me. No, you. Moving on.

So I've been watching a lot of music videos lately. I'm fascinated by their stories. Like Britney Spears' latest, where she comes to earth and gets a job playing both Spiderman (in a wedding dress, natch) and Venom on Broadway, except someone switches her web solution with paint, messing up all the studio equipment. Poor Julie Taymor.

Or Gaga's latest, which is all about showing you disgusting images and seeing how long you can watch before you look away screaming. Ah, Gaga. She puts the "errr" in "glamor."

Well, I figured, if they can do it, so can I. So I wrote this song about my life, and now some yeti-loving friends are helping me shoot a fantastic new music video for it. It's going to debut very soon, right here on this blog! Woohoo!

In the meantime, ladies and gentlemen, we shall be giving you the ballet from Act III of tonight's opera.

Or you could just re-read all of my past blog entries that you missed.

Now I have to go get in makeup. I'm wanted on the set.

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Not the yeti.

So after yesterday's blog about the Magic Kingdom tipboard, one of my lovable readers took me to task, writing:

Is this blog entry really yours? It certainly doesn't sound like the loveable catatonic yeti we mindless admirers have come to enjoy!

D'oh!

Well, doggone it, ya caught me.

Sometimes, when I'm not in the mood to blog, I let my friend Stacy blog for me. She's really a sweet animatronic, but she's a little more random than I am.

Stacy Nary is the frozen cearadactylus animatronic over at Dinosaur. I have no idea what a cearadactylus is, but I kinda figured it's not polite to ask these things. I think it's like a pterodactyl, but her kind can be a bit sensitive about that stuff.

Oh shoot. I said "her kind." I didn't mean that the way it sounded. Rats, how do you delete with this dictation program? Delete. Delete. No, don't type that. Computer, delete. Backspace. Undo paragraph. Erase all that. Stop mocking me! Argh, I hate this thing!

Ahem. Moving on.

Stacy's still kind of bitter because she was told this Dinosaur thing was going to be her big break, playing the role of a protective mother dino, swooping down on the guests like Spider-Man…

No, no, not like Spider-Man. Delete.

Anyway, she waited tables for years to break into showbiz. And from what she says, it's pretty hard to get tips as a cearadactylus. Then the Disney folks approached her about a role as a protective mother dino in something called Countdown to Extinction. She was hesitant about that, because she was still really young at the time, and she didn't want to be typecast as a mother dino type. You can't get any good roles after that; there just aren't that many mother dino roles in Hollywood. Everybody wants someone young, someone who's not the mama.

But she took the role anyway, because she was pretty sure it was going to be the next Nicolas Cage vehicle. It turned out to be the next Indiana Jones vehicle instead. (Ha ha ha! Get it? Because the ride vehicle— Oh never mind.)

So she signed the contract, and wound up like me, motionless with a light shining on her every few seconds. She tells me she's put in for a transfer to Flights of Wonder, but they keep telling her there aren't any positions open.

She was hoping to get cast as the tour guide.

(At this point, the 2 of my readers who have ever seen Flights of Wonder will chuckle. Chuckle, I say!)

So yeah, Stacy and I are friends. We hang out (literally) and talk about Disney a lot. And sometimes I let her use my computer. So if I ever write something that you don't like, you can blame it on her.

All the funny stuff, though, that's all me.

Wait, that sounds arrogant. Delete.

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There are no words.

I love how Disney describes things. They can take even the cheesiest attraction and make it sound exciting an fun. Like take a look at the descriptions on the Magic Kingdom tipboard:

Whirling twirling fun!

You can fly!

One Hunny of a Ride! (Yuk, yuk, yuk.)

Round and round and round you go! (Just like Mission: Space!)

We love exclamation marks!

Of course, if you think about it, most of these are totally interchangeable, and none of them tell you anything useful, but it does at least make everything seem more exciting.

There is, however, one attraction that even Disney has no words to describe.

Look at their official description of Stitch's Great Escape.

"Stitch's Great Escape? Oh… that's, um, well… it's Stitch's Great Escape."

Uh huh.

You know, if you need a description for SGE, I've got a few I could give you. How about:

Where fun goes to die!

Or:

It used to be cool!

Then there's:

Chili dog smell!

Or my personal favorite:

In the dark! And for kids! What could go wrong?!

  No need to say anything, Disney. You're welcome.

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I'm in MiceAge!

Hey, check it out! (In)famous Disney blogger Kevin Yee just wrote a big article about broken WDW effects, with a whole section dedicated to me!

It's weird to read, though. Some of it gets into all my personal medical issues and stuff. Isn't that supposed to be HIPPA-protected or something? I'm going to call my engineers and sue! (Do I even have engineers anymore?)

Anyway, Kevin theorizes that I might be getting limited movement at some point. (What, are they getting me a Hoveround?) He's already calling the concept Marionette Yeti. Whatever, dude. I've got no strings to hold me down!

I'm putting the Blue Fairy on speed dial right now, just in case.

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True tales from The Great Movie Ride.

One of the "joys" of working for Disney is interacting with the guests.

Folks, I don't know how to break this to you, but people are stupid. Sure, if you're reading this blog, then you're probably not one of the stupid ones. But the masses out there... they're hopeless. There's even a whole website dedicated to them: StupidGuestTricks.com.

I don't interact with guests much these days. (I spend my time, um... hanging around.) But I used to, before I got transferred. Nothing quite fit. At the Haunted Mansion, they told me I was too "scary." On Jungle Cruise, I kept breaking through the boats. And when I worked PAC (that's "parade audience control" for you guests) and someone wouldn't stop crossing in front of the parade, I'd just eat them. (Come on, you know you've always wanted to.) Everest came as the first good fit for me... one where being a yeti came in handy, and where I didn't have to smile and tell guests to have a "magical" day after they cussed me out.

So in honor of the cast members who deal with stupid guests every day, here's another talking animal video someone sent me of their true tales from The Great Movie Ride.

(Yes, people really say all these things. No lie.)

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