diseases-i-just-made-up

[diseases-i-just-made-up]

I'm forgetting large parts of my day. It all started after I picked an odd-looking blue daisy in the woods behind an abandoned research facility. What's the diagnosis Doc?

-🩵

Greetings, I apologise sincerely for the late reply, as I have found myself lacking in requests from patients recently, and so have not been checking as diligently as I did in the past. I do appreciate your reaching out to me, as this is truly a practice more should engage in.

Your first mistake was, quite obviously, picking a flower. Nature itself was constructed specifically to undermine and destroy the human race, which is why I myself reside in a barricaded room with no windows to the outside virtually 24/7. The fact that you began to have issues directly after interacting with this force is no small wonder. In fact, even before I start going into the exact nature of your sickness, I would suggest moving to a large city, as cities in general have the good sense to destroy all nature in the area. This alone should help you start to feel better.

Now. I'm afraid you have ingested a felicia amelloides (blue daisy), which, while said to be not dangerous to humans, is clearly a victim to yet another government conspiracy to cover the horrific impacts of nature on the world. It being “odd-looking” as you describe, as well as the proximity of the research facility…may have been your saving grace. It has likely been irradiated, which, as we all know from miraculous events such as Fukushima and Chernobyl, has a way of destroying nature's abhorrent existence at its core.

Radiation poisoning is one of the most widely used methods for counteracting blue daisy poisoning, as well as the most effective. Luckily for you, despite the side effects of this treatment (which may very well be causing your memory loss), blue daisy poisoning is much worse, with some of the least severe symptoms being necrosis and limb loss, and the most severe being brain teleportation (just your brain, not the rest of your body) and spontaneous human combustion. In comparison, radiation poisoning is a bad cold.

I wouldn't recommend reporting this to any other physicians, as, for some odd reason, radiation poisoning seems to cause quite the fuss. Instead, you can simply treat yourself by eating eight ounces of wild grasshoppers. The stench of nature will quickly be at war with the radiation and, eventually, will cancel itself out. Thank you for inquiring upon me.

[diseases-i-just-made-up]

Medens.

Simple enough to forget, but important nonetheless. It's Latin. Latin. Latin, the root language for many modern tongues. Not Maden. Maden.....

My cat started speaking to me in fluent spanish, paticularly the Cuban dialect was used. What do I do??

Cuba doesn't exist. I had a little spat with the Cuban government a few decades back and decided to eradicate them from existence. I recommend taping dynamite to your feline and blowing them up in a basement or storm shelter, as they are most certainly a spy from a Cuban government in another dimension and inflicted with the pathogen N, which, if passed onto me, could destroy our reality as we know it. I will not name this disease. Do not ask me to name this disease.

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Thank you for inquiring upon me.

[diseases-i-just-made-up]

My cat started speaking to me in fluent spanish, paticularly the Cuban dialect was used. What do I do??

Cuba doesn't exist. I had a little spat with the Cuban government a few decades back and decided to eradicate them from existence. I recommend taping dynamite to your feline and blowing them up in a basement or storm shelter, as they are most certainly a spy from a Cuban government in another dimension and inflicted with the pathogen N, which, if passed onto me, could destroy our reality as we know it. I will not name this disease. Do not ask me to name this disease.

.

.

.

Thank you for inquiring upon me.

[diseases-i-just-made-up]

I made cookies

I thank you very dearly for the gift, however, after inspecting the cookies enclosed in your message, I have concluded that they are extremely hazardous to your and to my health and will be burning them in the appointed hazardous material disposal system.

Baked goods made with--I forget the spelling–keedness? Coyned? …Let me just…Kindness! That's the one. My apologies, I had to page through my dictionary to remember exactly, but nonetheless, I sensed traces of this material in these cookies you sent me, and, as anyone who has attended one of my seminars knows, kindness is extremely dangerous to human health. I'm afraid it's already affected you deeply, perhaps to the point of no return, as is shown by the gifting of these cookies. Being able to create sustenance for the body and then willingly relinquishing that sustenance to another is a sure sign of growing insanity. It is not natural.

Luckily for you, I have my own batch of cookies, created with nothing but nothing. Unfortunately for you, I will be consuming them myself. I will pretend as if you made them, if that makes you feel better.

Returning to the subject at hand, it has occurred to me that I am unsure if you will even receive this, as the condition caused by kindness, hyperautruiplasia, or excessive growth in altruism, can have disastrous effects even when putting kindness aside, such as cardiomegaly, green hair, and damage to the liver, which can result in jaundice. You may be dead even as I scroll the return address on the front of this letter.

However, if you aren't, I must insist you do your own research. A victim of this disease was once played by Jim Carrey in a honorary film depicting the progression of hyperautruiplasia prior to his death, a quite fantastic one at that, and I keep it on hand when teaching about it, although it never garners quite the expected response. That would be an excellent place to start. There isn't yet a proper cure, but throwing people from balconies and squashing people's dreams of a religious holiday of your choosing have been shown to have a 79% success rate in curing patients of this disease. Thank you for inquiring upon me.

[diseases-i-just-made-up]

I died last night is that normal

I am unsure of why you are contacting me for this. As everyone knows, the universe resets every Tuesday, meaning that everyone is "dead" for a short period of time. I've died many times before. It's not a pleasant experience, but nothing worth contacting me for. It is normal. If you start to believe it isn't, please make sure to check your medensia levels with your local physician, for you might be suffering from medensia deficiency.

[diseases-i-just-made-up]

My fingers get all bendy when I try to write anything. Sad emoji. Sorry I’m using the text-to-speech feature. Send Send Send God dammit send the message

If it isn't my favourite anhelarentus patient! It's good to know you're well enough to be falling ill once again!

Upon reading your message, my assistant, Asher, suggested to me that you may be suffering delusions, considering that you used a nonsense word (“emoji”), and are referring to writing your message to my office as “text to speech”, which they insist is the wrong way around for the method of transferring information you are speaking of (although, considering I have only ever received messages in a paper format, and clearly no advanced enough technology exists to make text into speech or speech into text, I have no clue which term means what). However, considering that they are a victim of Meht's Disease, which can and does cause quite the bout of nasty delusions (they are not truly my assistant, but I allow them to think so, as I keep them around in order to further my studies on the disease), I can only assume they are merely projecting.

Thinking about it, I am now considering using the reverse that my assistant speaks of, “speech to text”, to refer to them, as--and I truly digress, but as you are coming to me a second time, I can only hope we can become acquainted with each other–they insist on writing down my responses to these requests themselves through transcribing my verbal answers. Upon inquiry, they have told me that while the messages appear to me as paper, in order for my patients to receive a response, they have to transfer them through something they call “the Internet”. I made a lot of progress on my research into Meht's Disease the day they tried to explain that to me.

Anyhow! Returning to the subject at hand, I am shocked that you have not already been diagnosed with medensia deficiency. As the beginning of it suggests (“medens”ia, as you may know Medens is my last name) this is when you fail to take everything I say as 100% truth. Medensia deficiency is the source of most ailments, as it results in a shrinkage of the most powerful sickness-fighting cells in your body, medensia cells, but can occasionally, as in your case, appear as its own disease with its own set of symptoms. It does not appear to have a bacterium, a virus, or any other such cause associated with it, but is instead purely psychological, and can be quickly addressed through repeating a set of phrases I will leave enclosed below. These symptoms are not a result of delusion, as my assistant posits, but simply misinformation.

1. Fingers do not bend while writing. Fingers are naturally fused at the knuckle and are meant to be straight all of the time. Anyone viewed doing otherwise must be suffering from a fracture or break at the knuckles, and should be taken into medical care immediately.

2. Technology advanced enough to make text into speech or speech into text does not exist. Anyone viewed doing anything that violates this must be part of or a victim of a cult that has been slowly rising in the last few decades, which specialises in attempting to brainwash the local populace by telling ridiculous stories of hunks of metal able to transfer messages at the speed of light.

It is vitally important that you repeat these phrases daily, as medensia deficiency can devolve into Meht's Disease, a much more serious disease. It is also recommended that you go outside and scream at the sun four times a day, because if the sun didn't exist then medensia cells could prosper in their natural ice cold environment, and no one would suffer from this horrible deficiency. Thank you for inquiring upon me.

[diseases-i-just-made-up]

My lungs hurt when I run :(

Ah yes, a common enough ailment indeed, it may be easy to brush off this request as simply human nature, but considering your title… Femurbrake, so to say, quite the unusual spelling but valid nonetheless, I can only assume your leg must have suffered a breaking of the femur bone sometime before sending this message. Considering the horrific implications of an injury of this magnitude, it is no wonder that this was sent to me via letter rather than an in person consultation, although you are no doubt recovering to some degree, taking into account your details of running.

If this wound did not receive proper care prior to being sealed, infection is not such a far leap away. A virus well known for infecting large open wounds (which may have occurred as a result of the femur bone piercing the skin) is anhelarentus, also known colloquially as running sickness, as the disease caused as a result of this virus could only be diagnosed through observation of the patient's behaviour while running, before modern medicine made detection of the virus without this procedure possible. This virus is known to result in degeneration of the heart and lungs, which, while often not enough to affect everyday activity, can cause moderate to extreme shortness of breath and arrhythmia, also known as an irregular heartbeat, while running. As a result of this, you may also experience lightheadedness, along with the symptom you seem to describe in your request, which is chest pain.

Anhelarentus is an extremely difficult virus to detect in its early stages, especially since, as described earlier, anhelarentus is almost always asymptomatic when immobile, or when moving in a way that does not put extra stress on the heart and lungs, such as walking. Due to this, it is no wonder you have managed to make it through the majority of the healing process without it being discovered. Fortunately, I am a far more competent physician than the ones you will have unfortunately found yourself in the company of, and I am able to make diagnoses across the distances in a manner others cannot.

I suggest immediately reporting to your nearest ER and requesting an amputation of the leg afflicted by the femur break, as anhelarentus is known to form a mass inside the muscle surrounding the infection site and spread throughout the body by sending the virus in incremental spurts from this location. This mass can be extremely difficult to remove without causing further, often irreparable damage to the leg, which could result in the limb being unusable, after which you will likely need to have it removed anyway. It's easier to just bite the bullet and get it over with quickly, instead of suffering through a procedure with a very low success rate that most likely will end in the same result. Thank you for inquiring upon me.

[diseases-i-just-made-up]

:3

While lesser researchers may simply read your title and assume that your ailment is clear, I say otherwise, because the "rabies virus" is a myth, spread as fear inducing propaganda by several major governments in order to prevent civilians from interacting with nearby wildlife. There are even cases of scientists being paid to create artificial viruses that mimic the symptoms of this..rabies (clearly a joke in the medical world, I truly despise having to write its name as I answer this request, but as you went through all the trouble to get this message to my office, I consider it the absolute least I can do) and sending it to target populations in order to make it appear as if "outbreaks" were occurring. It is suspected that said scientists had a way of... Destroying these "viruses" remotely, although the exact nature of this technology is still unknown. This theory largely came about as a ways of explaining why these epidemics never grew out of control, and I am still conducting my own research into the subject.

Anyhow, I digress. Returning to your request, I suspect you may be suffering from Thomas-Martin Disease, a genetic disease that normally appears in the mid to late teens. This disease can mimic symptoms of “rabies” in its early stages, and it is suspected that it is partially where the inspiration for its creation came from, although this disease cannot be contracted by nonhuman animals, unlike the rather ridiculous fables told by “rabies” apologists who still believe in the virus. An entirely unique symptom of this disease, however, is that in the mid to late stages, around 65% of patients reported experiencing an inability to speak or write, although they were found to still be able to fully understand language in a majority of these cases. This may be what you are afflicted by, considering your request lacks any discernible English words. Thank you for inquiring upon me.

[diseases-i-just-made-up]

space. spacespace. black holes? nebula? stars! SPACE!

It appears you are of a nonhuman origin. I don't believe beings of your kind can contract the diseases I am studied in... Or can they? My apologies, I need to do further research into this...

[diseases-i-just-made-up]

Hello and welcome to my intro post.

For legal reasons I am not a medical professional and am not licensed to diagnose actual illnesses. No diseases listed on this blog, unless by pure accident, are real.

This is my side blog, inspired by other blogs I've seen of similar nature and by gimmick blogs in general, although I am not entirely sure this counts as one.

Send me your asks and I will "diagnose", tell you facts about, etc. some disease I just made up.

Out of character posts will be tagged as such.

Note: As my in character personality is an "esteemed researcher", they may occasionally comment on real life illnesses as background for their diagnoses. It is advised you do not take these factoids to be truth either. They may also mention their "office" or refer to asks as "requests", and this is because in the world created in this blog, they are running their own practice and are receiving these asks as paper messages. Or, at least they think they are. They may be addressed as Dr. Medens (answered asks will also be tagged as #dr medens answers).

My main blog is: @codthefishgod

>> THIS IS AN ASK ONLY BLOG. THERE WILL BE NO REBLOGGING OR REGULAR POSTING, ASIDE FROM THIS POST. <<

Alright. Let the unreality begin!