doctorsappy

[doctorsappy]

this is a lil draft

“I keep thinking about you,” he said, eyes wide open and vivid, his hand holding on to my wrist as if he’d fall to the floor if he let go. “I can’t help myself. You’re stuck in my head and I really really don’t know how to stop. It’s like…like…you got me paralyzed but then…no…like… at the same time I am restless. Please tell me you feel it, too.” The despair in his voice grew louder with every word as he continued to speak.  By the end of the sentence it was a scream. My whole body cramped up. I pressed my lips together, bit my tongue and shook my head. My eyes met his and forcefully said don’t. “You cannot be here, Matt.” I pulled him backwards, opened the door behind me with the arm that wasn’t trapped in his frantic grip, turned around and pushed him inside the room. Not a single light was on. Only the streetlamps and moonlight coming through the windows made it possible to make out his face in the dark. They illuminated the abandoned lecture hall only slightly, but just enough to see his sad green eyes. So sad. So beautiful. As the adrenaline from seeing him in the halls wore of, my muscles unclenched. I let my guard down just a bit, Right in this moment, I knew that there was only one thing that he could think of. And the longer we looked at each other without speaking the more I wanted to grant him his wishes. I remembered watching him from across the room last night. The way he’d laughed, all teeth, with glitter in his lovely green irises. He hadn’t really danced, he’d just grooved with the music a bit, like he always did, but he was with his friends and that was enough for him to have a fun time. He’d looked so good then. Broad shoulders and strong arms wrapped in a formal, white shirt. His hair in a perfect shape. I had almost cursed when he’d noticed me staring. The look on his face had gone from careless to upset in a second. The same look he had on his face now. “I know I shouldn’t have come here but I just…had to.” Our eyes met. It shook me harder than it should have. He was gorgeous. I hated seeing him unhappy. I hated how much he made feel. “Don’t apologise,” I replied. My voice was shaking. Fuck that. I wasn’t nervous, was I? “I wish I didn’t, but I think about you,” I blurted out before I could overthink it, “all the time.”

[doctorsappy]

#1

So. Quarantine. My boyfriend has now been away for 5 days. And there’s one more day (tomorrow) and half a day Wednesday for me to overcome on my own, at home, before he comes back. The apartment is so empty. So are the streets. Not many things are open. I could go outside for a walk. But I’m just too exhausted from not doing anything. This sounds sarcastic, but I totally mean it. I am so lethargic. It really fucking sucks. Guess it sucks for everyone these days. But with him here, it would suck a significant amount less. With just anybody here, it would suck less.

Being alone has taught me a lot about myself. Mostly bad. My thoughts are loud and angry and far from friendly. I usually am an overthinker anyway, but having all this time by myself with no possibility to socially interact, except on the fucking phone, to properly rethink my (poor) life choices and just reflect on my current situation in general has done me no good. It has made me start watching a shit ton of teen series including a love triangle involving two guys, at least one of them with insanely broad shoulders, slight six pack, that has an emotionally unavailable act going on, but is very available in reality and unhealthily obsessed with his female love interest. Am I now in tenth grade again? Feels like it. I also feel like I’m falling into that exact same counterproductive teenage angsty mindset. I am sad and I am in a bad mood and I want to be alone and I absolutely don’t want to be alone and I want to lie in bed and listen to depressingly slow acoustic music. It’s weird, because I miss my boyfriend, I miss company, but I don’t want to talk to anyone at the same time. I’m just so pissed. Also, there’s this very important essay I need to start for uni. I just can’t. Maybe I just need a hug. Or be involved in a dramatic love triangle. Or just masturbate some more. 

I know, that I don’t have it that bad, really. I just realize that I’m much less emotionally stable than I thought I was. I am having a very hard time getting through it. My heart is pounding. I am unproductive. I cried. I am anxious. I need this to be over soon.

[doctorsappy]