domesticsurvivalist-blog

[domesticsurvivalist-blog]

You can have that song. I saw you bopping along in time to it when I was listening and it just ruined the song for me.

I had asked for a day to be left alone, not to have shit hurled at me during it or for it. Never give full conditions to your abuser, She systematically twists and disregards intent and offered options.

I was checked out, listening to radio or whatever the next playlist was. I can’t even recall the song after sitting for ten minutes trying to think of whatever it was she wanted to ‘give’ me because I was listening to it on my quiet day I begged for.

You can’t exist and please some people at the same time.

[domesticsurvivalist-blog]

Monkey see, monkey infuriate.

Mornings are always hard around here.

From trying to make a good environment for the old man, playing his music or turning on his shows, to being ready when She inevitably comes out to the garage where we hang out.

The door cracked open oddly this morning, only opening a bit, not enough to even see into, and then slowly opens wider. Not having been sure who it was, I was looking, and what I found was that She walked through. I averted my gaze, hoping to preserve the morning silence treaty (I'll write about that later).

After Her first cigarette, she looks around for the next thing, and sees I'm closest to where it's stored, but I'm also out of my usual spot that would leave me further away than her to reach it. I proffer the object, after having opened it to enable easy access for her, but she'd not gotten up and I'd considered she might want to sit. What followed is the reason for the post.

She stood up and walked over to me while I was putting the lid back on for secure transport, and She said as the very first words to me, "You couldn't wait two seconds?!". It was just too much, I had to cut out the interaction of getting Her the object by handing it to her, so I took it where She sits and placed it there and went back to where I was sitting, and then she flips. Eventually after her mixing up timelines and orders of events, she admits what really set her off was that I had been so callous as to look at her with a look she didn't like and then I looked away.

She justified her actions after I told her, using the specific words, 'domestic abuse', that I won't be a target for it anymore. Even if I glowered and looked upset at her, I don't believe it's okay to use a wordless interpretation to feed your daily aggressions towards me. They're daily, I won't be excited to see you in the morning after being able to ground myself and I've taken care of someone else's emotional needs, and you find one way or another to attack me and justify it.

One day I talk too much, another I don't talk enough, today I looked wrong, tomorrow I'll likely not look at all. All wrong.

I don't have the headspace yet to think about the situation, I'll have to consider it later. It happened less than half an hour ago. :(

[domesticsurvivalist-blog]

Driving cars and nerves

That's silly, the shortest path is better.

She cues the "I can't believe we're even talking about something that ludicrous" laugh, hits play, and my stomach dropped into the driver seat beneath me.

I'd asked her about maybe taking some right turns, even if it took us a couple blocks out of our way, it would really ease my anxiety and make it easy for me to drive her and do her a nice favor.

The night before, she made light of something that meant a lot to me, and she didn't even remember my text asking her if I could just please have some of my own space today. Yet, there I was in the driver's seat, her with her permit, because it gives her anxiety to drive, and I'm having to figure out how to ground myself for feeling stupid for driving her.

Scenario: You state clearly your anxieties and provide accomodating options to alleviate stress for everyone by wanting to take right turns where you need to go. You're trying to keep everything together so you can drive her on a couple errands, and there's always fights, even worse than at home.

Response: Derision, patronisation, calling your capability into question, deprioritizing your needs to suit their greatest convenience. Simply needing to take the shortest path to a location that doesn't close for fourty minutes and we'd have to travel a grand total of six blocks my way instead of 3 blocks hers, because it's the 'best way'.

Problem: I felt completely disregarded while extending myself to do a favor for someone who kept pressing for their needs while disregarding mine, going so far as to laugh about my anxieties.

Attenuate: Be more direct? Don't treat the passenger as the navigator? Stay silent and drive?

Reflect: I couldn't ground myself locked in a car with my aggressor, I couldn't show any hurt or reaction. I needed to redirect, turn on a radio, make it hard to focus on how being laughed at felt. Don't see a clown in the rear view mirror. I can't believe I've let someone put me into this situation again in life.

Advice: None, I could use some though...

I wonder if there are any tumblr blogs on grounding and what it's like not being able to.