dooonotlookforme

[dooonotlookforme]

Some evidence of being in love <June 2025>

[dooonotlookforme]

Some evidence of being in love <May 2025>

Who on earth invented Vegemite???

[dooonotlookforme]

How We Got Here (5)

To say we were “together”

It actually happened during a simple conversation.

Before that, I was going through an avoidant phase, feeling overwhelmed by my emotions for her. Not long after, she got another girlfriend. They became official before we did. At the time, I thought, “maybe being the mistress isn’t so bad,” because I had experienced too many monogamous relationships where I loved sincerely, but my girlfriend had no clear boundaries with other girls.Being the proper, gentle, and devoted girlfriend always seemed to be the one who ended up hurt. I gave my care wholeheartedly, I choose to take fewer risks out of love, and over time the passion fades. But the new girl, the one who’s still fresh and unfamiliar, or the one who exists at some distance from their everyday life, always seems more attractive than the “good wife” figure. None of my past relationships had been particularly successful. The most recent one was even with someone who clearly displayed narcissistic traits. So I was extremely hesitant to define the relationship.

At the time, I thought maybe we could just keep dating. After all, she also said that emotional connection mattered more to her than labels.

She always made me feel gently cared for. There was no certain intention, only warmth and calm acceptance.

After I started my placement, I was chatting with my supervisor one day and casually mentioned “my girlfriend,” referring to her. Later that day when she came over, I told her about it.

She asked, “So can I say that about you too?”

And I said, “Of course”

（Coincidentally, it was actually on the the Chinese Valentine's Day)

Unlike past relationships where there would be formal confessions, planned moments, or a discussion followed by an agreement to be “together,” This time it all felt light and natural.

We simply discussed how we’d refer to each other in front of others, and neither of us ever actually said, “from today on, you’re officially my girlfriend.” This way, we ended up focusing more on each other than on the label or the role of “girlfriend” and we weren’t trying to fulfill some fixed expectations attached to that role（Sometimes I wonder if this is because we’re both autistic😂）

Becoming “together” felt like a mutual decision-making process. That gentle question was not the signature on a contract, but simply the first step toward a relationship of this kind.

I remember we talked about how people should make relationship decisions slowly in the beginning, and if problems arise later, end things quickly.

But most people do the opposite. They rush into something before they’re ready, and once they’ve caught feelings or invested emotionally, they struggle to leave even when it’s no longer right. So every time we spend time together now feels like a continuation of that decision-making process.

I remember her telling me that every time she chose to trust me, it always felt like the right decision.

A balance eventually tips to where it naturally belongs. It might wobble at first, but that’s how things are meant to evolve. I guess this is just the nature of how things grow organically（Damn you, social constructionism）

I’ve always believed that real love starts after the novelty wears off. Once the hormones and excitement fade, what remains is how your personalities align, how well you recognize emotions, express them, and work through them.

At that point, the freshness in the relationship depends more on how well you manage your own life. I believe each person is responsible for maintaining a sense of newness in their life. Even small things like daily routines or growth can bring that sense of novelty. That’s why I really agree with the idea that

Freshness in a relationship should come from trying new things with someone you love, not doing the same things with different people.

We agreed to keep each other informed about any developing relationships with other people. We talked about how we process jealousy, and how we feel about our partner’s taste in others. We both feel that when your partner chooses to date someone awful, it’s not really jealousy, it’s more like cognitive dissonance. It makes you question their judgment, and it lowers your impression of them. Bad taste is still bad taste. It becomes a clash of values and perspective. We did a questionnaire game to get to know each other better. We talked about narcissistic traits, since both of us had previous partners with NPD. We talked about the importance of expressing emotions instead of avoiding or shutting down. We agreed that communication should be direct and respectful, not passive-aggressive or sarcastic. What I find very lucky is that we’re both in a stage of life where we want to learn what a healthy relationship looks like. Our goals align.

I still remember how deeply I resonated with her when she first told me that she was afraid of how much she liked me. I was grateful for her honesty. She later told me that she chose to shift her focus toward herself at that time, to take good care of herself first, because only by doing so could she be a better person and a partner to me. I thought that was a very wise decision.

I truly believe that when a relationship feels off balance, the best thing you can do is to commit to a self-care plan.

No one is more important than yourself.

And she did really well.

I asked her once what she feared most in a relationship. She said she was afraid of becoming the one who hurts the other person. I thought that showed so much kindness.

Now I’d also like to say this to her:

Bb, I think you also fear the feeling of being abandoned. But you are a beautiful woman with full agency. As long as you don’t place yourself in a passive role, no one can abandon you. People can only lose you. And only those who lack taste or luck would let that happen. I hope that no external relationship will ever define your worth. They are only like a ribbon, something that can be tied or untied, and whether it’s there or not, it never takes away from the beauty of your golden hair or your light.

She’s also the first person I’ve dated who genuinely told me, “If you need your own space, that’s completely fine. Just let me know.”

I’ve been drained of time and energy by past partners, so when she said that, I was even a bit flustered, but also pleasantly surprised.

But she has her own life, her own priorities, so I never felt like I lost any personal space while being with her.

Up until now, we’ve already helped each other gently rewrite a lot of past pain with positive experiences. Everything has either felt natural or well-paced.

She once said it’s hard to believe we’ve only been together for three months. I said, for a ten-year-old, it might take a week to learn one unit of geography, but for adults, it might take just an hour.

We’re adults. We can manage this.

I’ve always thought that what matters most in love isn’t just the little moments we share, but also how deeply the other person transforms you, like how rivers shape the mountains they flow through.Even if we one day part ways, the changes she brought me will stay with me, as if those changes took her place.

Right now, we are already gently washing away many of the old traumas we carried.

Clear water slowly dilutes the dirty water.

And I hope that as two people who used to tolerate too much, with too-low standards and too much patience, If we ever date others in the future, we’ll raise the bar.

We already took good care of each other and couldn’t bear to hurt one another. Other people don’t deserve the power to hurt us either.

We also talked about views on life, the world, and the universe. We talked about time and space, vertical history and horizontal modernity. We talked about the soul and what might happen after death. Our views were astonishingly aligned.

After those conversations, the first thing I thought was,“Then be my girlfriend in the next life too？”

Even though I hope that in your next life, you will have full freedom to choose, and won’t feel any obligation from this life, that’s okay.

I’ll just ask you again when the time comes.

And at least in this lifetime, I hope your future is filled with more self-love, more healing from old wounds, and more moments of joy and discovery.

I love you.

[dooonotlookforme]

Happy 100-Day Anniversary

Three months should be the beginning of love in a relationship, not the beginning of problems and conflicts.

I feel like I’ve entered the healthiest relationship I’ve ever been in. She said the same.

We’ve known each other for more than four months, our emotions are always valid in each other’s eyes. The way we handle issues is always through talking calmly.

When emotions come up, we ask ourselves if it’s coming from past traumas. Even if it is, we still sit down and have a proper conversation about it.

Maybe I’ve reached an age where whether a relationship feels safe and healthy matters more than anything else.

This relationship is completely different from all my past ones.

It makes me pay attention to the person and to how I feel, rather than focusing on roles, identities or obligations that people build around relationships. So when I think of her, what comes to mind are little details and emotions.

I remember our first date, lying on the grass by the river and glancing up at her blonde hair. I felt dazed.

She told me later she actually thought I would stand her up that day, but it turned out the atmosphere was just right.

I remember being nervous about going to her place for the first time, half-jokingly worried she might steal my kidney.

I remember that night we didn’t do anything physical, just held each other and slept.

That was the first time I saw her golden eyelashes clearly.

I woke up in the middle of the night and told her about my dream, and she gently patted me.

I remember the emotional chaos at the beginning and how my heartbeat kept speeding up.

I remember how she gradually stepped into the emotional forest inside me.

I remember the first time I got drunk and found the courage to say I missed her.

I remember how she found out that 520 and 521 are Chinese Valentine’s Days, and came to spend the day with me.

I remember how she once said that after a full day of teaching, what she needed most was to see me.

I remember going to her friend’s birthday party and sitting together at the tarot table. She said she hadn’t expected this relationship to work out because of the language and culture barriers, but it ended up going surprisingly well.

Honestly, when I said my first words to her in March, I never imagined she would become my next girlfriend.

I remember the big tree where she waited for me after work.

I remember the many times we wandered the wet streets together, talking about all kinds of things.

She once pointed out an old man we ran into, saying she had seen him at her poetry club.

I remember the awe I felt when I first read her poetry.

I remember her flushed face when she was drunk, pulling me into conversations about life, the world, and the universe.

I remember how, after just one month, she could read my facial expressions and predict what I wanted to say. She said even if I didn’t speak, my thoughts were loud. And for the first time, I’m with someone who can read my energy and overall state just from my face（even though we’ve only known each other for a month）

I remember how I broke down after a terrible day at work and cried in her arms.

I also remember the feeling when she shared her past life experiences and I felt a rush of energy from deep inside, wanting to protect her.

To be honest, I feel like she’s more emotionally steady than I am, or maybe she’s just more unwilling to put emotional pressure on me.

This is my first time trying to maintain a romantic relationship with someone from a different country, with a different race and language.

It is also my first time dating a transgirl, and my first time being in a formal polyamorous relationship.

It has taught me how to make peace with my former self within a relationship, how to balance self-love and love for someone else, how to truly live out something I’ve said for years:

“My way of loving is no longer about possession, but about closeness.”

It is also the first time I’ve been with another avoidant type, and yet we are both trying our best to move toward each other, to care for each other’s traumas, to support each other, and to love.

I remember when she told me she could no longer sacrifice her freedom and wanted to keep discovering herself. I felt both relieved and hesitant.

At the same time, I strongly sensed that my understanding of boundaries had solidified.

There was a new strength and sense of freedom in being able to protect those boundaries.

This upgrade in the ability to love myself and others gave me the feeling of growing wings I had never seen before.

So, thank you for appearing in my life and staying with me.

I am deeply, deeply grateful.

[dooonotlookforme]

Little Things About Her (1)

I said that society loves to shape the “dream” of girls becoming princesses. But I realized early on that I didn’t want to be a princess. She said she did, though.

Greetings, Princess 🫡

I told my mom I’m dating a local girl now. I haven’t told her yet that she’s transgirl, and honestly, I find that kind of funny, My mom is a very traditional, heterosexual Chinese wife who finally compromised after years of my coming-out battle. She once told me that she seriously thought about whether she could like women. She said if someone treated her really well and was especially good at flirting and caring for a wife, maybe she’d waver. But in the end, she felt it would still be hard. She concluded that the gay gene must have come from my dad.

So just as she’s accepted me dating girls in the past few years, now I’ve evolved into dating someone who’s trans. When she asked how my mom might view her, I said that my mom likes tall people. My mom is not even 160 centimeters tall, and you’re over 180. Even if she doesn’t like you, she’ll have to look up at you. And anyway, this is my life, not hers. Whether she likes you doesn’t matter.

Later I told her about some conflicts between me and my mom. On my 18th birthday, she gave me a princess crown and lipstick, but I never liked being a princess or anything pink. She told me she likes being a princess and she likes pink and is really good at flirting. I said, alright, you go be her daughter then 🫡

We finally realized that the reason I couldn’t wake up during the day and couldn’t fall asleep at night was that its really noisyain the evening and only calms down after midnight. It wasn’t about sedatives in the day or stimulants at night. Turns out I was just one local away from figuring out the ct.

She lay beside me, and I noticed her eyes were blue-grey and really beautiful. She held my head in her hands and said mine were brown and that brown is her favorite eye color. I told her I liked blue-grey too, and my cat’s eyes are also blue, now I have a cat and a cow with the same eye color.

Actually, after the first time I came back from her place, I think my avoidant side was kicking in a little.. I was getting attached but not used to having someone constantly on my mind. I was afraid I’d become needy, so I started feeling a bit restless and conflicted. But later that night, I had a few drinks and couldn’t hold it in then sent her a voice message. The next morning, I found myself safely held in the quiet strength of her response. Turns out she kind of liked me drunkenly saying I missed her.

She really is kind. Once when I was thinking of her during a writing break, she messaged me at that exact moment. She had brought home a sick plant from a free giveaway and was taking care of it. Later I often saw her carrying plants and taking them home. Even on a night when she was drunk, she had a plant in her hands. When she saw me, she introduced it to me and let me hold it. When she came to my place, she brought a little cactus from a friend’s house and another adorable plant I didn’t know, probably a succulent. What a diligent little flower fairy.

Lately she’s been wanting to learn Chinese. She said she once dated a Cambodian girl and even showed me how to count in Khmer. Then she asked me to teach her some Chinese too. I thought, why start with numbers? We should start with love phrases. So we began with “I like you,” then how to talk to kittens, and then “I love you.” We’ll do the swearing later. Isn’t the most important part of language just love talk and swearing?

At her friend’s birthday party, she really took care of me. We didn’t plan it, but we both wore shirts, jackets, jeans, and boots. It was a 30-person party. I actually do get anxious in large crowds, but I also wanted to meet her friends. It turned out that since she’s a very gentle person, her friends are too. Birds of a feather. It was one of the rare times I’ve been with a partner and their friends and didn’t feel hurt. Her friends were all warm and polite. Everyone looked out for each other. And she kept checking in with me, always asking if I was okay.

Besides wandering through different corners and chatting with various people, most of the focus was on tarot cards. I asked a few questions, including some about the two of us. No matter what happens in the future, I hope we both try our best to protect ourselves, each other, and this relationship. Let it last as long as possible.

After a few drinks, we sat together on a couch in an empty room. Logically there should have been a language and cultural barrier between us, but somehow we’re both so drawn to each other. It just feels right. I said I never imagined my life could turn out like this.

When we got home that night, she thanked me for coming to the party and meeting her friends. I said it was my pleasure. Honestly, I want to treasure these rare moments of positive feedback in social situations, especially in such a big group. It felt like growing up. I like people who are not just getting older, but truly growing.

[dooonotlookforme]

When we revisited that place, she showed me a furry meme.

I gasped and asked her, “Wait, are you a furry?”

She kept dodging and said, “What are you talking about? I don’t know what are you talking about …”

I burst out laughing

it was so loud I forgot people around us spoke English too🤣

Then I leaned in close and whispered in her ear, “So… are you? 🎤👂🏻”

As a fire sign, I seriously find it so much fun to tease earth signs.

She pretended not to understand but was holding me while laughing like crazy

it was such a hilarious moment.

At one point I couldn’t resist wanting to bite her, and she said, “You sure you wanna do that in front of a kid?”

All while chuckling and pulling me into her arms.

I turned around and saw it was another Chinese girl.

Welp, looks like that stereotype of “Chinese girls going wild abroad” just got another tick on the list🤪

Actually, after I got home that day, I was in a bit of a fog. On one hand, I wasn’t sure if I’d really slept the night before, on the other, I was wondering if we’re only dating, what kind of arrangement should we have going forward? I’d asked her and she said she’s avoidant, and that finally reminded me of an “avoidant” post I once wanted to write but never did. Riding a little wave of emotion and drawing on what I know about myself and other avoidants I tried to lay out all the messy little knots in my head. It felt like a kind of release.

After resting for a day, I still couldn’t help myself the next evening once I’d had a few drinks I told her I missed her. Just saying “I miss you” took nearly all the courage I have. My friend had warned me that you two are both avoidants, and if neither of you takes a step forward, this thing will suffocate itself. So I figured, what’s the big deal about spouting some sweet nothings? Besides, she’s always afraid of going too much and making the other person uncomfortable. The last time I was the one to say “I like you,” she gave me a very positive response. So why not just say “I miss you”? I really did, I miss her so much.

Luckily, my confession was met with warmth. A few days later, her school organized an outdoor class at my university. I wanted to go see her, but the timing didn’t work out. That night she was drinking at a friend’s place in ct, and afterward she told me she’d be passing by my home. Without a second thought, I asked where and sprinted out the door. In under five minutes I was at our meeting spot then I turned and saw this huge, drunken puppy, clutching a little pot of plant, wobbling toward me. She told me she’d gotten really drunk trying to catch up with her friends. Then she said she was hungry, so I suggested we pop into the supermarket by the train station. She tugged my hand and we walked in together. In the elevator she stood on the step below me, wrapped her arms around me, and buried her head in my chest. In that moment, all I felt was relief that I hadn’t missed seeing her like that it was unbearably adorable. In the supermarket we kept walking and kissing. She babbled “You’re so pretty… u r so cute… I really like you” on repeat into my ear, and I couldn’t help but laugh as I ruffled her hair. When we reached the subway entrance, I even worried she might get harassed on her way home.

On the way back, she kept gushing about us, then sent me our synastry chart and daily horoscope from some western astrology app. As someone who loves mysticism, I was cracking up at how cute she was. When she sobered up she apologized for being a messy drunk and thanked me for taking care of her. Later I thought maybe I’d been too lax…I should have made her say sorry and act cute as part of her “punishment,” but honestly I didn’t mind at all.

After that came the nights she stayed over. I bought snacks and Cantonese takeout for us; we drank, ate, smoked, had sex, and talked about everything, our tattoos, our families of origin, our hopes for the future. To me, how someone treats animals reveals their true nature, she was so gentle with my cats, and would instinctively say sorry even though she hadn’t done anything to upset them.

Our conversations were peppered with funny cultural and linguistic exchanges, me explaining terms like “nb,” “996,” “niu ma,” “abstract,” “hard to judge,” even “Cyber Buddhism” (hahahahahaha)and she picked them up instantly. English slang also came to life with her. She’d studied French for years and would occasionally drop a phrase in French. I used to find language enthusiasts off-putting when they’d launch into rapid-fire foreign tongues that only a handful of people understood. It felt alienating and self-centered. But with her, she’d murmur just a word or two, never overdo it, I would be curious and wanted to ask, because I could sense she wasn’t showing off but simply sharing. Those subtle emotional cues made all the difference.

Not long after, a small problem arose, she told me the next day that she’d made things official with another date. I’m poly, so I didn’t mind the idea of multiple partners, but in my understanding, “official” usually means that person gets priority. This was the first time in my life that, while I was dating someone I liked, she made things official with someone else. My first reaction was shock, then rising sadness that I couldn’t quite pinpoint. Logically, I’d chosen polyamory so I should have been prepared, but talking it over with a friend, I realized what hurt most was that I hadn’t known beforehand. I told her how I felt, and she said she would always keep me in the loop in the future. She also said there wouldn’t be any special privileges just from labeling something “official”what matters most is the genuine connection between us.

A friend’s comment that day snapped me out of half my sadness. She asked, “Don’t you have others, too?” and I thought, oh right… but like if you walk by the river enough times, you’re bound to get your shoes wet, it seems like this time it's me

By that afternoon, I’d pulled myself together. I reminded myself that my fulfillment doesn’t come from ownership but from closeness. I was already ecstatic about all the happy dates we’d had. Getting to treat her to a buffet was already the kind of start I’d always imagined for a relationship. I didn’t want her to feel pressured. When I heard her childhood stories, my first instinct was to feel sad that the world owed her so much, but she even comforted me, saying she already had so much and was just happy to have met me.

That night her friends came to get her and they had a little bonfire. She said next time I should come over and we’d roast marshmallows together. I laughed, thinking, Who wouldn’t want to play with fire with her and then wet the bed?

That evening I’d decided it was my last night to feel sad. I stared at our chat, replayed in my head how head-over-heels I’d gotten for her. I remembered that first night around 9 PM, when I asked if she was going to sleep, she replied, “you sending me to bed? 😢” I told my friend I must be crazy…who the hell could bear to send her to sleep? I’m up at dawn, asleep by night, so when I’m awake she should be winding down. We’re like two cavemen passing the torch through the hunt. I’d turned my schedule upside-down so we could spend more time together, and she was happy with that. I recalled after our first date, when I dove right back into assignments, she sent me our synastry chart on the local astrology app two days later. I’d worried about if messaging her late at night would bother her, but she said she loved waking up to messages. (Okay, got it🌚 flirty introvert people really know how to seduce me.) Then I remembered telling her I’d give her an avocado as our “child,” and she said she’d raise it and asked me to come visit “our kid”. I also remembered how respectfully she treated my habit of not wanting people looking over my shoulder at my laptop, a trait she recognized in other Chinese friends too. Even though she didn’t share my cultural background, she understood all the after-effects of living under oppressive systems. She loved saying “rude,” and she was one of the few people（apart from my closest friends）who actually validated my emotions instead of dismissing them as “too much” or “fussy.” Meeting someone with that same sense of decorum, who still sparked chemistry, was something I wanted to cherish. In short, all those small, warm, heart-fluttering memories replayed one by one, painting her portrait vividly in my mind and I decided that after that night, I wouldn’t dwell on it anymore.

The next day I sent her the English translation of my write-up about our first date. That was the first time I’d expressed firm love for someone who wasn’t my mono partner. She was so happy she asked if she could show it to her friends, I said of course, I’d post it on Twitter where all my friends could see. Later, she said reading it made her crave pizza. After class, we went down to the river, sat and ate pizza, and teased the swans.

Seeing her again made me happy but at the same time half my mind was still tangled up in my upcoming interview, so I couldn’t stay long. The next day I went to the interview with no real expectations but that afternoon I got the call saying I’d passed! She was overjoyed for me and asked if I wanted to meet up. Her class was over at just the right time, so I said yes, though I was running late. That afternoon she was pretty and wore little purple flowers in her hair and had a blade of grass stuck to her chest. I took her to buy some dessert, but in my rush I only managed one lick of the cream off her finger before dashing off.

[dooonotlookforme]

How We Got Here (4)

After that she came over to my place and I made her some jianbing (Chinese crepes), Chinese soy milk, and liangpi (cold wheat noodles). She’d tried the soy milk before and liked it, and she also really enjoyed the liangpi and the jianbing. That day she found hadn’t tried aged vinegar. She tasted a little and loved it so she decided to buy a bottle for herself. Then we opened some wine and started talking about all kinds of languages and slang. Explaining Chinese memes and buzzwords to her was so much fun, and when she tried to explain English expressions back to me, she’d laugh that some English really makes no sense. Teaching her Chinese was the same, when I explained “tùzi” (rabbit) versus “dúzi” (calf), or “wǒ chī le” (I ate) versus “wǒ shī le” (I got wet), we realized those pairs really do sound very similar…

As the wine kicked in, we got more and more excited. We ended up cuddling and breathing together in sync. She was supposed to go home that night, but neither of us wanted to part, so I went with her to her place.

On the walk back, I was replying my friends and she was curious then asked me to say hi on her behalf. Then she teased, “Are you showing off your new gorgeous girlfriend?” I said Iv joked to my friends, “Don’t worry, life still has hope, I’m finding you a foreign mom so we can build our own little family.”

On the way there she said she was hungry, and I thought about how oddly magical it is when I hear a white girl talk about “leftover rice”. Back at her apartment she stir-fried peppers and tofu to go with the rice. (The next day I tried her cooking again it was delicious, and she even sprinkled sesame seeds on top.)

The next morning she woke up on the dot like a clock and asked how I wanted my eggs for breakfast, then went straight into cooking. Her body clock is incredible… so that's Capricorn？After breakfast I dove into my notes while she worked on her assignments. She complained that her teacher’s assignment prompt was full of grammar mistakes. As she was moaning in pain, I walked over and hugged her and she flipped over and pressed her face into my boobs. It was a classic meme moment, the instant her cheek hit my boobs her expression lit up, but the moment I tugged my shirt she winced again. I guess a woman’s breasts really are a source of happiness, it’s no wonder “tits” can be a compliment.

Since I was studying grammar, we had a fun chat about how casually foreigners treat grammar. At one point I said, “I want to express sth, does that word even exist?” She told me no, and I begged, “Then can you create a word for me?🥺” She hugged me and said she’d try her best. I got all teary and acted cute, and her arms felt so warm and safe I forgot I’m not usually good at acting cute.

That afternoon we went together to the nearby grocery store to buy stuff for our evening bonfire: fruit, cookies, and marshmallows. I’d often seen those cookie-marshmallow sandwiches online but never tried them myself. After we paid, she told me about a big tree branch near her place that she’d been eyeing for six months but never brought home. She dragged the big branch and I carried a few smaller ones, and I couldn’t help laughing because it looked just like Jerry and his nephew Tuffy from Tom and Jerry.

As dusk fell, we set up the firepit in her courtyard. She did most of the work and said, “Don’t judge how stupid I look chopping wood.”I couldn’t help but wonder what she must have gone through in past relationships to worry about being judged, even when she was doing something for both of us.

That night was pure happiness: red wine, snacks, music, and the person I love. We sipped and talked about why we both chose polyamory. We realized we share the same story: we used to over-give and lose ourselves in relationships, and we didn’t want our freedom or self-exploration to stop. We agreed polyamory doesn’t mean ignoring others’ feelings in the name of freedom. We both put our own happiness first but never at the expense of hurting someone else. I played my playlist and noticed how sad my songs were. She said she actually has sad playlists too,she just didn't listens to them around me because she’s happy. （Speaking of that, yesterday she was playing music at my place, and I said again that her playlist sounded so positive. She said I’d reminded her, maybe she’d been a bit too happy.I told her, “No, please keep being happy. I want you to stay happy. It’s a good thing. Please be happy.”

I really hope her happiness will always outweigh the sadness）

Later we showered. She showered first and got into bed. After my shower I crawled under the covers and found she’d already placed a hot-water bottle in my spot. I wondered if it takes a certain kind of person an IF（mbti personality who will an 'i'means introvert and 'F' means feelings） to do such a caring thing, but I hadn’t felt so well cared for in a long time.

I’ve been so busy lately I’m not 100 percent sure, but if I remember correctly that night before falling asleep she turned over, kissed me on the forehead, and whispered “Je t’aime.”

The next day I came home to find empty wine bottles, a pillow scarf on the floor, and her pink hair tie by the bedside. I told her, “Looks like someone robbed my place and even left a clue, by the color it must be a pretty girl.” I joked that the scene looked like the aftermath of two people so overcome by desire they forgot everything else and collapsed into bed. She laughed and asked, “Isn’t that exactly what we are?”

Then I tied the hair tie around my arm and explained that in China ppl wear their girlfriend’s hair tie on their arm to show they’re taken. That shade of pink might not stand out on a lesbian, but on me, who always wears all black, it would be striking. She was glad and said it felt more intimate, then called me her “cute little goth.”

[dooonotlookforme]

How We Got Here (3)

Actually, after I got home that day, I was in a bit of a fog. On one hand, I wasn’t sure if I’d really slept the night before, on the other, I was wondering if we’re only dating, what kind of arrangement should we have going forward? I’d asked her and she said she’s avoidant, and that finally reminded me of an “avoidant” post I once wanted to write but never did. Riding a little wave of emotion and drawing on what I know about myself and other avoidants I tried to lay out all the messy little knots in my head. It felt like a kind of release.

After resting for a day, I still couldn’t help myself the next evening once I’d had a few drinks I told her I missed her. Just saying “I miss you” took nearly all the courage I have. My friend had warned me that you two are both avoidants, and if neither of you takes a step forward, this thing will suffocate itself. So I figured, what’s the big deal about spouting some sweet nothings? Besides, she’s always afraid of going too much and making the other person uncomfortable. The last time I was the one to say “I like you,” she gave me a very positive response. So why not just say “I miss you”? I really did, I miss her so much.

Luckily, my confession was met with warmth. A few days later, her school organized an outdoor class at my university. I wanted to go see her, but the timing didn’t work out. That night she was drinking at a friend’s place in ct, and afterward she told me she’d be passing by my home. Without a second thought, I asked where and sprinted out the door. In under five minutes I was at our meeting spot then I turned and saw this huge, drunken puppy, clutching a little pot of plant, wobbling toward me. She told me she’d gotten really drunk trying to catch up with her friends. Then she said she was hungry, so I suggested we pop into the supermarket by the train station. She tugged my hand and we walked in together. In the elevator she stood on the step below me, wrapped her arms around me, and buried her head in my chest. In that moment, all I felt was relief that I hadn’t missed seeing her like that it was unbearably adorable. In the supermarket we kept walking and kissing. She babbled “You’re so pretty… u r so cute… I really like you” on repeat into my ear, and I couldn’t help but laugh as I ruffled her hair. When we reached the subway entrance, I even worried she might get harassed on her way home.

On the way back, she kept gushing about us, then sent me our synastry chart and daily horoscope from some western astrology app. As someone who loves mysticism, I was cracking up at how cute she was. When she sobered up she apologized for being a messy drunk and thanked me for taking care of her. Later I thought maybe I’d been too lax…I should have made her say sorry and act cute as part of her “punishment,” but honestly I didn’t mind at all.

After that came the nights she stayed over. I bought snacks and Cantonese takeout for us; we drank, ate, smoked, had sex, and talked about everything, our tattoos, our families of origin, our hopes for the future. To me, how someone treats animals reveals their true nature, she was so gentle with my cats, and would instinctively say sorry even though she hadn’t done anything to upset them.

Our conversations were peppered with funny cultural and linguistic exchanges, me explaining terms like “nb,” “996,” “niu ma,” “abstract,” “hard to judge,” even “Cyber Buddhism” (hahahahahaha)and she picked them up instantly. English slang also came to life with her. She’d studied French for years and would occasionally drop a phrase in French. I used to find language enthusiasts off-putting when they’d launch into rapid-fire foreign tongues that only a handful of people understood. It felt alienating and self-centered. But with her, she’d murmur just a word or two, never overdo it, I would be curious and wanted to ask, because I could sense she wasn’t showing off but simply sharing. Those subtle emotional cues made all the difference.

Not long after, a small problem arose, she told me the next day that she’d made things official with another date. I’m poly, so I didn’t mind the idea of multiple partners, but in my understanding, “official” usually means that person gets priority. This was the first time in my life that, while I was dating someone I liked, she made things official with someone else. My first reaction was shock, then rising sadness that I couldn’t quite pinpoint. Logically, I’d chosen polyamory so I should have been prepared, but talking it over with a friend, I realized what hurt most was that I hadn’t known beforehand. I told her how I felt, and she said she would always keep me in the loop in the future. She also said there wouldn’t be any special privileges just from labeling something “official”what matters most is the genuine connection between us.

A friend’s comment that day snapped me out of half my sadness. She asked, “Don’t you have others, too?” and I thought, oh right… but like if you walk by the river enough times, you’re bound to get your shoes wet, it seems like this time it's me

By that afternoon, I’d pulled myself together. I reminded myself that my fulfillment doesn’t come from ownership but from closeness. I was already ecstatic about all the happy dates we’d had. Getting to treat her to a buffet was already the kind of start I’d always imagined for a relationship. I didn’t want her to feel pressured. When I heard her childhood stories, my first instinct was to feel sad that the world owed her so much, but she even comforted me, saying she already had so much and was just happy to have met me.

That night her friends came to get her and they had a little bonfire. She said next time I should come over and we’d roast marshmallows together. I laughed, thinking, Who wouldn’t want to play with fire with her and then wet the bed?

That evening I’d decided it was my last night to feel sad. I stared at our chat, replayed in my head how head-over-heels I’d gotten for her. I remembered that first night around 9 PM, when I asked if she was going to sleep, she replied, “you sending me to bed? 😢” I told my friend I must be crazy…who the hell could bear to send her to sleep? I’m up at dawn, asleep by night, so when I’m awake she should be winding down. We’re like two cavemen passing the torch through the hunt. I’d turned my schedule upside-down so we could spend more time together, and she was happy with that. I recalled after our first date, when I dove right back into assignments, she sent me our synastry chart on the local astrology app two days later. I’d worried about if messaging her late at night would bother her, but she said she loved waking up to messages. (Okay, got it🌚 flirty introvert people really know how to seduce me.) Then I remembered telling her I’d give her an avocado as our “child,” and she said she’d raise it and asked me to come visit “our kid”. I also remembered how respectfully she treated my habit of not wanting people looking over my shoulder at my laptop, a trait she recognized in other Chinese friends too. Even though she didn’t share my cultural background, she understood all the after-effects of living under oppressive systems. She loved saying “rude,” and she was one of the few people（apart from my closest friends）who actually validated my emotions instead of dismissing them as “too much” or “fussy.” Meeting someone with that same sense of decorum, who still sparked chemistry, was something I wanted to cherish. In short, all those small, warm, heart-fluttering memories replayed one by one, painting her portrait vividly in my mind and I decided that after that night, I wouldn’t dwell on it anymore.

The next day I sent her the English translation of my write-up about our first date. That was the first time I’d expressed firm love for someone who wasn’t my mono partner. She was so happy she asked if she could show it to her friends, I said of course, I’d post it on Twitter where all my friends could see. Later, she said reading it made her crave pizza. After class, we went down to the river, sat and ate pizza, and teased the swans.

Seeing her again made me happy but at the same time half my mind was still tangled up in my upcoming interview, so I couldn’t stay long. The next day I went to the interview with no real expectations but that afternoon I got the call saying I’d passed! She was overjoyed for me and asked if I wanted to meet up. Her class was over at just the right time, so I said yes, though I was running late. That afternoon she was pretty and wore little purple flowers in her hair and had a blade of grass stuck to her chest. I took her to buy some dessert, but in my rush I only managed one lick of the cream off her finger before dashing off.

[dooonotlookforme]

How We Got Here (2)

After the first time we met, she told me she was really happy and that we could hang out again sometime. I was honestly a little surprised, surprised that maybe I wasn’t the only one feeling something. She had told me before that people really need to meet face to face, because once she had texted someone for a long time but when they finally met, there was no chemistry at all. At that time, I was wondering whether she meant that she and I did have chemistry or didn’t.

We finally met for the second time after a long delay, mostly because I was caught up in finals and didn’t have the energy to see anyone. We had tried to plan other activities before, but our schedules never matched. For our second meeting, we decided to study together at her place. Before that, I had already told her that I liked her, and she said she liked me too. But maybe because I’m naturally pessimistic, or maybe because of cultural differences, I wasn’t sure what this kind of “like” really meant.

Being abroad, there are many things I have to consider. The first is my completely dead sleep schedule. It's impossible for me to wake up properly in the morning, so if we study in the afternoon until late, should I stay over or not? I told her about my concern, and she said I didn’t have to stay, but I'm welcomed to. Hearing that made me feel a bit more relaxed. Still, I told her I would send her address to my friends, because I had heard too many bad stories and felt I had to be cautious. She said she didn’t mind at all and that she was glad I was aware of my own safety. I told her I wasn’t really worried about anything else（like If she's going to ravish me, just go ahead😗）what I was most scared of was being trapped or having my organs harvested. She said she wasn’t sure if this would make me feel better, but she really didn’t like kidneys or organ meats, which was somehow comforting.

（It makes sense though🤔garden fairies don’t usually enjoy eating organs…

Finally came to that day, I hadn’t slept a single minute the night before. It was already a messed-up sleep schedule to begin with, but I also couldn’t nap during the day. I was tossing and turning, and ended up finishing the assignment I had originally planned to work on during our study date. I was completely exhausted when I finally arrived at her place. I had brought her some spicy snacks, snail rice noodles, and Lao Gan Ma because she said she loved spicy food and enjoyed trying new things. I thought the snail rice noodles deserved to go international.

Then she came to pick me up. She looked so tall and slim with her ponytail, like some kind of high jump athlete？（If she ever reads this, she’ll probably say I’m seeing her through my bias again, because Im always saying that she's cute no matter what she’s doing, but I really do think she’s cute.）When I saw her, I suddenly remembered that I had tentatively asked if I could hug her next time we met, and the moment we reached each other, she hugged me. The second she wrapped her arms around me, it felt like electricity ran through my back. I hadn’t felt that way in years. I don’t know why it happened with her. On the way from the station and on our walk home, we ran into puppies again, all of them so enthusiastic and friendly, one of them almost as tall as me when they stood up. There were many plants along the way and she told me about each of them. I couldn’t really understand, but people who are passionate about something have a kind of glow, and I could see it in her.

When we got to her place, she showed me all her plants in the garden. After a tour, we finally went inside. I was both hungry and sleepy. Too sleepy to eat,and too hungry to sleep… 🫠I told her I wanted to eat something. While I was cooking the rice noodles, I gave her some spicy snacks to try. It turned out she had tried something similar before, and her kitchen was full of all kinds of seasonings, black vinegar, fermented tofu, olive vegetable, even chicken powder. She said she loved adding chicken powder and already had her own jar of Lao Gan Ma, and she liked mixing it in. Her chopsticks had little patterns and colors on them, and later she even brought out some Chinese tea and said she often made it for herself. I’m Chinese, but I can’t really eat spicy food, and I’m also sensitive to caffeine, so I couldn’t even drink tea. In the end, I finally finished cooking the rice noodles and she seemed to enjoy it. I made myself a bowl of chicken broth noodles. Halfway through our meal we took our food outside to the garden and sat there while eating. She showed me her loquat tree, pear tree, and peach tree. I asked her what her favorite flower was. She said jasmine.

'What a beautiful jasmine flower'（lyric)

Who’s the real Chinese person between us?

After eating, we stayed around for a bit and I told her I was just way too sleepy. I asked if I could nap on her bed for a while. Her bedroom was filled with pink, probably the pinkest one I’ve ever seen. There were little animal figurines she liked, paintings from her friends and game maps. The chair in front of her desk is a yoga ball chair. （brilliant! That's really a good choice for an ADHD, I think) Suddenly I felt like I was inside the kind of bedroom I used to imagine as a child when I pictured how foreign kids lived（Even when I was in homestay back then, none of the rooms looked like this🤔）I started wondering why I never decorated my room like this. Why don’t I put up things I love anymore. Looking at her mismatched colorful socks, I started thinking about how all my underwear and clothes are basically all black now. I used to draw all over my bedroom walls when I was a kid. When did I stop doing that？

I didn’t think about it for long because I was way too tired. I tried to organize her six pillows and said, oh you have six pillows😯

I have five. I don’t remember much from the next few hours except that there was a mosquito in the room. After being in Australia for almost two years, it was the first time I heard a mosquito buzz. It didn’t bite me though.

When I woke up, she had finished studying and was lying beside me. We naturally cuddled together. The word cuddle, something I had only seen on dating apps, suddenly became real. We were all snuggled up, and then she handed me her phone to show me what she had learned that afternoon. She’s studying horticulture. I joked that her school sounded like Hogwarts when she first told me about it. Her task was to memorize a bunch of plant names and details. She said all her friends had told her the same thing, that her assignments sounded magical. But when she saw the local plant names with long unpronounceable words that even locals didn’t know, it felt a bit more balanced🌚 She said even she felt struggled memorizing them. I picked a few plant photos at random from the list she gave me and she started reciting their names like spells in my ear.

Who could have imagined that after nearly passing out from exhaustion and falling asleep, I would wake up to the person I liked reciting a long string of plant names softly beside me. I couldn’t understand a single word, and I was completely dazed, yet somehow it felt incredibly sweet. I never would have thought that simply being too tired would be what brought us into the same bed for the first time.

She asked if I still wanted to study. I started rubbing my eyes and she said I looked really sleepy. I said yeah, I couldn’t sleep at all earlier. In the end, I didn’t study a thing, and not long after waking up I got hungry again. She said she’d make me something to eat. I told her the floor was too cold to walk on barefoot and she said she didn’t have slippers. At the end, she gave me a pair of thick oversized socks. I walked around in those, looking down at my feet, then up at her, feeling like an oversized baby.

That night, I didn’t sleep very deeply. I kept drifting in and out. But I remember we talked before bed about who’s the top. She said she's no doubt always the top.Then I dreamed I was topping her, like aggressively. When I woke up I thought wait, that was a dream🤨？

I told her and she said, oh so that would just be in your dream🙃

Since I couldn’t fall asleep easily and kept tossing and turning, she held me and said she’d keep holding me until I fell asleep. That was so sweet. But after about three minutes, she was out like a light and even started snoring. This is what good-sleeping “caregivers” are like, it reminds me of my mom when I was little, and exes who ever tried to lull me to sleep the same way. But just lying there in the dark, not sleeping and just listening to the sound of someone I like snoring beside me, it was a kind of peace, better than being alone and stuck in a spiral of thoughts. I wasn’t really asleep, but I remember she kept rolling over and hugging me during the night. Since we hadn’t done anything physical yet, she was respectful and didn't cross the line at night.

In the morning, light began to come through the window above her head. It was soft and gentle, and when it hit her face, she looked extremely beautiful. I couldn’t help saying she looked pretty. She said I looked pretty too and then I said we both pretty( sounds like little kids…😑）We cuddled and kissed and touched and didn't remember how, things just escalated…

after all she held me in her arms and stroked me gently, and then we went to eat breakfast together.

She made sandwichs, and added chili to hers. I can’t eat spicy food and I’m also sensitive to caffeine. She made me camomile tea instead. It was funny, the first time I ever stayed over at a local’s house and she ended up being more Chinese than I was. The last time I had camomile tea must have been years ago. I never imagined the next time I’d drink it would be at her place.

After we ate, she went to take a shower while I finally opened my laptop to study. After her shower, she played games for a while and then jumped back onto the bed to cuddle. She lay on my tummy while I petted her head like a giant puppy. She also liked to pet my hair during the time we spent together, which was something I hadn’t experienced in a long time. At first it even felt a bit unfamiliar.

We got so caught up in being close that by the time we rushed to the station, we were almost late. That was the first time I realized that someone over 180cm walks on a totally different rhythm from me…On the way she joked about carrying me on her shoulders, and I said that was actually the first time I had ever received that kind of offer. I didn’t say yes though.

Before we parted, we sat on a bench and realized her hands were a whole knuckle bigger than mine. Her feet were much bigger too. She really is a long one. I kissed this beautiful long baby goodbye and headed home.

Incredibly, ever since that day, my sleep schedule has flipped completely. I now wake up around 9am in the morning at the latest, sometimes even earlier. For more than twenty years, my mom tried everything to fix my sleep routine, and I had also tried everything myself. Nothing worked.

Then just like that, it changed🤷🏻‍♀️

[dooonotlookforme]

How We Got Here (1)

May the kind of happiness the universe owes her catch a glimpse of her someday and drift softly her way. And may this little one, now weathering the storms of trauma, feel a flicker of safety in the fragments I leave behind.

My first impression of her was that of a little forest fairy. Her bio mentioned a love for plants, and it turned out to be true as she spends her days gently tending to them. She’s an INFP, moving through life like a butterfly in a garden, always stopping to care for each new plant she brings home.

After a few light chats back and forth, she asked me to hang out. Honestly, I wasn’t expecting much and wasn’t even sure if I should go. I hadn’t planned on dating any locals before graduation. I usually keep myself wrapped up tight when I don’t feel ready. But how do you say no to an invitation that feels so warm and gentle?

Even on the day we met, I was still unsure. I told myself it could just be a chance to practice English. No pressure, no expectations. She had class during the day, and we met by the river in the evening. She had her school backpack on, golden hair softly resting against her neck. When she stood up, she was really tall like a very well-behaved oversized school kid. I can’t really explain it, but she was really cute.

We started walking along the river and talking. Then we found a lawn and sat down. Everything felt natural. I had expected a bit of awkwardness, but it never came（Maybe I’ve grown older and don’t care as much anymore）Thoughtful and attentive, she made the conversation feel easy. Her English was soft and clear, with a way of choosing words that made everything easy to follow. As a local, she joked that some Aussie accents are so thick they barely sound like English,it’s Australian

While we were chatting, a corgi came running over. It hadn’t had its tail docked, which made it even cuter. We spoke briefly with its owner, who joked about its short legs. We both agreed that unless there’s a specific purpose, like working on a farm or herding cattle, there’s really no reason to dock a pet’s tail. （I decided that pet owners who refuse to give in to humans’ weird aesthetic standards deserve to be blessed by the magic of wiggly tails. Since no one else has made that legend, I’ll start it myself.）

Later, she asked if I wanted to grab a drink nearby and also said I looked a little cold in my shorts. I hadn’t eaten dinner, but somehow I felt like any drinks she suggested would be delicious.

A funny thing is, not long before that day, I had gone drinking by the beach with a friend, coincidentally near where she lives. I forgot I get carsick, and on the way back, I got so sick I had to open the car door and throw up on the street. I was so dizzy that a passing ambulance picked me up and took me to the hospital. I told her that story, she laughed and said, “Well, you’re definitely not drinking that much today.”

Still, I’m grateful for alcohol. Just the right amount of it. It helped me loosen up and let my feelings flow more freely. She used to work at a bar and recommended two glasses of red wine. They were delicious. It felt like little fruits were dancing in my mouth. We talked about spiritual things too. She knew not only her star sign but her Chinese zodiac as well and she knows that her birthday falls just before Lunar New Year, so she belongs to the previous year’s animal. The fun part is, even before she knew her Chinese zodiac, her favorite animals happened to be exactly that her own zodiac sign, mine, and wombats.Some of her tattoos are related to these animals too.

I don’t remember much of what we talked about. What I do remember is her sitting to my right on the grass, looked beautiful. I wanted to hug her when I walked her to the train station but I held back. Feeling unexpectedly light on the way home, I wandered into a random pizza shop, chose a flavor I’d never tried before, and it turned out surprisingly good.

Later that night, I realized I was falling a little too fast, and I didn’t know what to do with it. So I went through our chat and started making a list of all the new vocabulary I’d picked up from her（？

（23.4.25）