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The most amusing thing (not really) about derealization/depersonalization and the like is the impulses. It makes you want to do the craziest things to feel real again. I will jump on the floor and roll around, I will have the urge to dive at furniture and ultimately think better of it, or like… I was doing the dishes and wanted to just dunk my face into the dishwater. I have pushed on the walls as hard as I could just to test if I could go through them. I touch hot lightbulbs. And sudden surprises are such a welcome thing. Hunter tripped me earlier and I almost fell backward and hurt my arm in the process, and I was happy about it because it gave me a reality jolt. I like pain and extreme temperatures. I’m not even scared of the dark anymore, really. I will stare into dark spaces just to see what happens because I’m so out of it and I don’t really care. I’ll let my hand dangle off the bed just to see if a monster grabs it. I’m normally afraid of the cats climbing on me with their claws, but now I want them to scratch me? And getting allergies is great. It makes me feel. I love sneezing. Your perspective on life changes so much with this condition. I’m often in a manic state, searching for something new to explore. I have a sense of self-preservation of course, but it’s the weirdest thing. 

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grocery stores is Dissociation Time™

(click here for ways to support my art!)

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well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings i’ve been trying to avoid 

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I’m feeling more grounded these days. I keep having these odd moments where I actually feel like I’m my age. I’ve always felt like I was aging slower while in my dissociative fog for the entirety of adolescence. I felt like I was behind my peers developmentally. Now I’m suddenly realizing I’m 17 and almost an adult. These moments of awareness make me feel more mature and responsible, but they scare me too. Either way I feel like an imposter.

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PIERRE Is this how I die? Ridiculed and laughed at Wearing clown shoes Is this how I die? Furious and reckless Sick with booze

How did I live? I taste every wasted minute Every time I turned away From the things that might have healed me How long have I been sleeping?

Is this how I die? Frightened like a child Lazy and numb Is this how I die? Pretending and preposterous And dumb

How did I live? Was I kind enough and good enough? Did I love enough? Did I ever look up And see the moon And the stars And the sky? Oh why have I been sleeping?

They say we are asleep Until we fall in love We are children of dust and ashes But when we fall in love we wake up And we are a God And angels weep But if I die here tonight I die in my sleep

All of my life I spent searching the words Of poets and saints and prophets and kings And now at the end all I know that I’ve learned Is that all that I know is I don’t know a thing

So easy to close off Place the blame outside Hiding in my room at night So terrified All the things I could have been But I never had the nerve Life and love I don’t deserve

So all right, all right I’ve had my time Close my eyes Let the death bells chime

Bury me in burgundy I just don’t care Nothing’s left I looked everywhere Is this how I die? Was there ever any other way my life could be? Is this how I die? Such a storm of feelings inside of me?

But then why am I screaming? Why am I shaking? Oh God, was there something that I missed? Did I squander my divinity? Was happiness within me the whole time?

They say we are asleep Until we fall in love We are children of dust and ashes But when we fall in love we wake up And we are a God And angels weep But if I die here tonight I die in my sleep

They say we are asleep Until we fall in love And I’m so ready To wake up now

I want to wake up Don’t let me die while I’m like this I want to wake up God don’t let me die while I’m like this Please let me wake up now God don’t let me die while I’m like this I’m ready I’m ready To wake up

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I am a human being. I don't know why I have to remind myself of this, or why is it so helpful. With dissociation I often feel like less than one, and through fantasy I pretend I am more than. Regardless of that, I am one human person - at all times - who is filled with the experiences, thoughts, feelings and actions of myself and myself alone. I view other people with open-mindedness, patience, and acceptance of who they are. Why can I not view myself the same way? Why do I avoid who I am in order to become other people?

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a comic about dissociation

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Also, note on learning a language for those with madd trying to quit or cut back. Listening to songs to help me learn helps satisfy my craving to listen to music while also not letting my mind drift into daydreaming! It also helps that one of my main characters knows the language I’m learning so in the back of my mind he is still with me at all times and I am becoming more like him, which adds even more of a sense of security even while I don't let myself actively think about him. :P

Ok, so apparently learning a new language is incredibly grounding. Having to focus on naming objects, speaking, reading, etc. puts so much focus on the enviroment that it limits escape. Plus, if you pick a language that no one else you know knows, it feels like you are able to experience the world in a private way which makes me feel safe. It’s an awesome sense of detachment from other people while also being fully aware. It’s like a shield based in reality. I feel oddly confident. I recommend trying this to anyone who dissociates and needs something to do with their spare time. Anyone else experience something similar?

(Of course, this probably won’t help the moments where you forget how to think/speak entirely. This is more for the lighter types of dissociation.)

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Ok, so apparently learning a new language is incredibly grounding. Having to focus on naming objects, speaking, reading, etc. puts so much focus on the enviroment that it limits escape. Plus, if you pick a language that no one else you know knows, it feels like you are able to experience the world in a private way which makes me feel safe. It's an awesome sense of detachment from other people while also being fully aware. It's like a shield based in reality. I feel oddly confident. I recommend trying this to anyone who dissociates and needs something to do with their spare time. Anyone else experience something similar? (Of course, this probably won't help the moments where you forget how to think/speak entirely. This is more for the lighter types of dissociation.)

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What is Dissociation like?

This is what I want you to do:

Get a latex glove and put it on. Now, turn on the facet and turn it all the up or down, freezing and super hot. And then put your gloved hand under the water.

You can feel the water, but not directly.

When you take off the glove, your hand is still dry.

That’s what dissociation is like; you can still feel the heat/cold, but not directly. It’s happening, but not to you. And when it’s over – when you peal off the glove – there’s no evidence that it even happened.

It’s as if you weren’t even expiriencing it in the first place.

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one step forward and two steps back is STILL one step towards recovery

recovery isn’t always linear, recovery isn’t always easy, recovery even falls backwards sometimes, but your recovery journey is still incredible anyways

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My distress tolerance is practically non-existent.

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