dreamsorfears - Tumblr blog

[dreamsorfears]

Why am I scared of dying my hair the colour I want?

I first bleached my hair when I was like 14 I guess. It was a single strand of hair on the kinda back of my head (I was obsessed with Sweeney Todd and his hair), so not like super visible. When my chemistry teacher found out, she started asking me questions. Till this day I remember the molecular formula of hydrogen dioxide, but I had no idea back then. I absolutely hated being asked questions in front of the rest of the class, even when I knew answers. And even though it seems like a small thing, it was a big deal to me. Later I fell in love with crazy colours of hair – pink but especially turquoise. During summer breaks and when my parents were away I used to dye my hair with wet colorful crepe paper so it could wash off quick. My parents didn't – still don't – like any changes in my appearance. When it comes to hair, they like it "natural with some highlights" but made by sun, not chemicals. It's not like they never let me do anything with my hair or argued about it, they were just always so very and visibly disappointed. When I grew up a bit and went to a #PrestigiousUniversity obviously it wouldn't look good if I had colorful hair. The professors would be gutted. Maybe, just maybe it would get off with this if I was one of the best students. If my knowledge could save me or if I was brave enough to be who I wanted to be. But I was an average student, too shy to talk. I honestly quit one course because a professor was making some mean comments about my nails, that they are "so long that I could kill somebody" (which by the way is not true – I keep 'em natural so if they're too long they just break; I'm so insecure I feel like I need to explain myself when I know I don't have to and the dick should mind his own business. Later I found out it was his way to select students – only the strongest can survive. And this actually shows the ridiculousness of the education system, because it's not like it was some psychology or military studies, it was just some philology so what does it have to do with my nails?). Anyway, I finished my studies and I got a job. I worked with clients and the staff regulations were quite strict, including – obviously – hair colour which was supposed to be natural. I changed my job, but then again I was at a university – this time as an employee and my boss was such a little sack of dicks, but that's a whole another story. Anyway I quit the job recently, I'm almost 30 now. I look at all the teens in my town with cool hair, blue, green, pink, all the damn rainbow, split dye, cool haircuts, buzzcuts and stuff. I am so, so, soooo jealous that it's not the time of my youth. Unfortunately now I don't wanna have crazy colours on my hair, cause I don't feel like it anymore and I know I wouldn't like it now, when I'm older. I just regret I didn't try it earlier. I am very angry that the stupid environment gaslighted me. There is one thing I would like to try. I would like to dye my hair, or part of my hair ginger. I don't wanna do this when I'm old and match all the red-headed old ladies. But then again, I heard and read that it's such a difficult colour to take care of and hard to make and then it would take years for me to get back to blonde and so on. So I do nothing, once again.