dreamwriter

[dreamwriter]

Freedom!!!

This is hardly related to my writing journey, but also kinda sorta? Or maybe I just want another topic so I can make a separate post to make up for over a year of inactivity here xD

So I've been reading this book (not gonna name it, but it's a classic) for the past... 2-3 years LMAO. It was part of the reading list for one of my uni classes but I never actually read it back then (hehe). During our move to a new apartment, there was barely anything set up in my room: no computer and no books EXCEPT this novel because it was packed separately with my uni stuff. Boredom and guilt (from never having read the book for class back then) plus the realisation that I could hardly call myself a literature major if I didn't read it made me pick it up.

And thus began a many-year-journey of torture that quite literally killed the reader in me and wiped one of my biggest hobbies right out of my life.

Reading has always been my greatest hobby and I'd always been a bookworm. The librarians at all my schools knew me, and I was rarely ever seen without a novel in my hand between classes. I could spend entire school holidays cooped up in my room reading because that's how much I loved it.

But it is no exaggeration when I say I hated this book so much that it literally made me distance myself from my hobby for years, even after I'd gotten a hold of new books I wanted to read. I told myself I wasn't allowed to read anything else until I finished this one, thinking that it'd be motivation enough for me to finish it quickly, however much I disliked it. But the result was that I just stopped reading altogether.

If I thought about reading, it had to be that book. And since I didn't wanna read that book, then I may as well not read at all. And so days turned to weeks turned to months turned to years, and the girl who adored the world of books all her life barely read more than a few short chapters in 2-3 years because she idiotically locked herself into this miserable spiral.

The book isn't even objectively bad. I'm aware that it's a huge classic. But on a personal level, I just did not enjoy it one bit no matter how hard I tried.

However, over the last two days, I grit my teeth and blasted through the remaining 60% of the book. No, it did not get good later on! xD I still very much disliked every chapter I forced myself to read, but I knew I had to get through it if I wanted to read all the new novels I'd bought during my recent trip back to Australia.

And as of today? I AM FREE. AT LONG LAST.

The relief and joy I felt when I finally closed that book and placed it onto my shelf (forever! D:<)... and the sheer happiness as I immediately reached for a book that I wanted to read.

And with a book that I actually want to read? I'm reading again! I spent the afternoon and evening reading alone in my room, just like old times! I've missed the smell of the paper, the excitement of stepping into a new world, and the momentum of turning a new page ;___;

It really feels like I've resurrected a huge part of what made me who I am. Rediscovering a hobby and rekindling my love for reading has washed away the guilt and sadness I've felt for the past two years every time I said that reading was my hobby but then remembered shamefully that I couldn't even finish a short novel.

But now it's finally over!!!

I've found the reader in me again, and with that, my love for the magical worlds that can only be found within the pages of a novel.

Does this relate to my writing journey? Not really LOL this blog is dreamwriter not dreamreader. But I'm hoping that rediscovering the joys of reading will help me rediscover some of my passion for writing, too.

Anyway, this post is more like a long ramble or a diary entry. But this is significant enough to me that I want to put it somewhere, and what better place to choose than the place where I document my own journey of creating stories that can hopefully also bring joy to fellow bookworms out there? ^^

[dreamwriter]

Not Giving Up!

Hi. So um. I basically completely forgot about posting more updates to this blog for a looong time, but in truth, there wasn't much to update anyway. I admittedly haven't made much progress during this time for the exact same reasons I've mentioned before.

Am I ashamed? Yes! But am I giving up? No!

The other day I was having a conversation with my mum about how many people have to eventually face the reality that some of their childhood dreams just aren't very feasible for a full-time career and they have no choice but to abandon those dreams... It's sad, but it's reality, and while I always wish and hope that we can all pursue our dreams, I'm not about to deny that this is an important aspect of life that we have to face as we grow up.

But then my mum looked at me and said, "And? What about you? Have you woken up from your author dream yet?"

Without a moment's hesitation and without a single doubt in my heart, my instant answer was: "No!"

And I meant it.

Starting on this journey and taking as long as it has with barely an end in sight has indeed woken me up to the fact that writing a novel is not easy! Yeah sure, some people are able to pump out complete drafts in just a month or two, but I'm clearly not that kind of writer haha xD

But even with this grim realisation, plus the concerns for how cruel and terrible people nowadays can be online to any creative work you put out into the world, AND the looming threat of AI just taking over all creativity in some bleak future... I still haven't given up and never even thought about giving up.

I've been doing a lot of travelling this year and it's hard to "get back into the groove" every few months after I come back, but I know that's just an excuse. There's some validity to it, sure, but I'm not going to give myself that excuse. I've had plenty of chances to keep writing but I didn't. It's my own fault.

I'm slow. I'm taking a long-ass time. Even my mum said she doesn't see my passion. And that's absolutely 100% a me-problem that I need to fix. Because I know I do have that passion inside--it's just so difficult for me to confidently get my words onto the page on a regular basis without either getting distracted (shame on me) or disliking everything I write and closing the document while cringing at myself. I need to fix my writing habits and mindset, and I guess with the new year coming up, it's as good a time as any to really "reboot" my system and welcome a fresh, productive start.

My instant and genuine answer to my mum's question is enough proof to myself that I haven't wavered and my determination is still there. The dream is absolutely still alive within me, so now I just need to get my sh*t together.

No one can help me but myself. My book won't write itself. This dream of mine isn't going to make itself a reality if I don't put in the work.

I've slacked off for far too long, and I need to get it together next year.

So yeah, just a bit of a wake-up call to how pathetically long I'm taking and how little progress I've made, but as long as the light of my dream still shines within me, I'm not giving up.

[dreamwriter]

This is completely irrelevant to the progress of my book but I have to let it out xD

There was this fantasy “ambience music” video I absolutely adored. The background image and the music and the sound effects were right up my alley, and it all fit my story so well and really helped to put me into the right “mood” for writing... BUT NOW IT’S GONE!!! XD The channel deleted that video and uploaded a new “remastered” version. The image is still the same but the music has changed... I am sad LMAOOO

[dreamwriter]

Back to Work!

So I spent the past few months working towards getting a teaching license. It basically took up most of the time I spend working in front of my computer, so naturally, I ended up putting my writing project on hold during this time.

Sure, I made zero progress in the last two months because of the teaching course, but knowing that I actively chose to pause my work, rather than the lack of progress being due to procrastination, somehow doesn’t make me feel as bad lol.

Actually, in retrospect, taking the past months off and not worrying about my novel at all was actually a much-needed break. All those days spent pulling my hair out over the tiny details of my story and trying to make sure everything was perfect really took a toll on me, and I think taking a step back and just not having to worry about it at all allowed me to come back refreshed and eager to jump back into the fantasy world of my story. It really is true when they say that taking a break can work wonders xD

Anyway, I’ve finished the teaching course, so it’s back to writing my book! >___< I’m also gonna start actively looking for a teaching job, too, but I’ll only be choosing one that will allow me to work only 2-3 days a week. Hopefully that means I’ll be able to strike a good balance between a “day job” and my own creative project!

Oh, and in other news, I also found out that purple eyes are a huge cliche that no one likes in fiction LMAO so I guess I’ll have to change my protagonist’s eye colour xDDD

[dreamwriter]

Work + Sudden Inspiration!

It really is true that once you have a job, any kind of job, you won’t get to write as much as you’d like. Not that I was really writing that much before anyway (as ashamed as I am to admit it), but now that I’ve started taking on some freelance work, I spend less time working on and thinking about my novel because I’m either occupied with work or just want a break after I’m done with it.

This is one of the reasons (aside from the pandemic) why I’m hesitant to pick up a full-time job that would take up most of my time, because then I’d be even less inclined to work on my novel... But I can’t use this kinda stuff as an excuse, so even with my current translation work, I still have to find time (and motivation) to keep striving forward with my dream!

In other news, I had a sudden idea the other day that could not only add an extra layer of depth to my story, but also strengthen a lot of my characters’ personal motivations and reasons for being a part of the journey. All from just one single sentence I read in a game! It’s honestly fascinating how sometimes just a simple image or one single line you chance upon can instantly spark inspiration and fill in the blanks for something you’ve been mentally toiling away at for months.

With this sudden burst of ideas and currently no translation work on my plate, I’m going to go work on my novel now and try my best to not procrastinate or get distracted again!!!

[dreamwriter]

My Biggest Problem

I think I’ve slowly come to realise and understand my biggest problem when it comes to writing. Namely, the biggest issue that’s preventing my progress and making things so difficult for me: I’m trying way too hard to make my first draft as close as possible to a final draft.

I’m somehow under the false and mistaken impression that when you go back and edit your first draft, it’s mostly just for polishing word choice, checking for small errors, and maybe making minor edits for word count. I’m perfectly aware that this assumption is wrong, yet it’s hard to convince myself otherwise.

I know that first drafts are allowed and supposed to suck, but I can’t bring myself to allow anything I write to suck. I’ve always been told that I’m a good writer and always believed that I’m a good writer, so the mere thought of “word-vomiting” onto the page and then going back to clean things up to make it “good” later is not acceptable to me. Because I don’t allow myself to write anything that’s “bad” to begin with, even if I know that the “badness” is only temporary and that the final product won’t look exactly like this.

And this is a fatal flaw that I need to somehow overcome--a terrible mindset that I need to adjust. Because what’s happening is that I keep editing as I write. I’m constantly rereading what I’ve written, feeling unsatisfied, and then spending the whole night trying to polish it up. The end result? I hardly get anything new written and never get to make any real progress.

I need to allow myself to literally just word-vomit onto the page: just get my ideas written first. No one will see the first version except myself, and even if I myself am the harshest critic of my own work and seeing word-vomit-standard writing that has come from my own hands would make me feel ashamed, I need to somehow school my mind into understanding that there is nothing to be ashamed of. In fact, I should actually be more ashamed of how much this mindset is actually dragging me down and slowing my progress. I need to allow myself to write mediocre stuff with standards lower than what I usually expect of myself, otherwise the end result is that I just don’t get anything written at all.

As they say, you can’t edit something that’s not there, and my experience thus far has clearly proven to me that my search for “premature perfection” is only holding me back. A badly written manuscript will always be better than no manuscript at all. I can make a badly written manuscript into a good one, but there is quite literally nothing I can do about something that doesn’t even exist.

So get to work, stop setting unrealistic standards for yourself, and just effing write the darn book.

[dreamwriter]

It’s Hard

Huh, it’s been a while since I last posted anything here. Hehe.

I’ve been slowly but surely working on my novel during the past few months. Slowly. I’ve made progress, but still haven’t fully mastered the art of resisting procrastination. Hopefully I’ll get better and better at it, because for now my skills in this department are definitely nothing to brag about lmao.

The past months of writing have really helped me come to one major realisation: writing a novel is hard. No, I never believed it would be easy. But it’s a lot harder than I anticipated. Like, a lot.

As someone who’s had some experience in writing fanfiction, I really have to say that the difference between writing fanfics and original content is something I underestimated. Of course I knew that original ideas from scratch are going to be harder, but actually trying it out for myself has really made me draw an even clearer line between the two “types” of writing. (Not saying that fanfiction doesn’t count as “real writing,” by the way, just that I have very different experiences for someone who has tried both.)

Creating an entire world with a cast of all-new characters from zero can be quite overwhelming. Every time I write a scene with my protagonist, I’m filled with this anxiety that if I don’t write every scene and every moment perfectly, no one will like or even care about her. It was so much easier when writing fanfics, because I knew that even if it didn’t hit the jackpot and blow up into some huge piece that over half the fandom knows, at least more than a handful of people would be willing to open it and give it a chance just based on the fact that they already know and love the characters involved. You could rewrite their personalities and backstories into whatever AU you want, but as long as their names and the series your fanfic is based on remain, there will be people who care by default.

But no one knows the characters I’ve created for my original story. For now, they exist in my head only. And if no one knows, I have to try extra, extra hard to “sell” them, otherwise no one is going to care. And truth be told, it’s kind of terrifying. There’s no underlying “knowledge” I can rely on to fill the gaps of poor or insufficient characterisation like we often can when writing fanfics. No “love” that readers will already have by default even if I do a mediocre job at actively trying to make the characters likable. I have no backbone and no “template” to support my work. It’s just me, alone with my own ideas and my own confidence that I can somehow get people to care about my story. And it’s hard.

A scene flows perfectly well in my head because I myself have a good picture of what the character is like. But the challenge is that I have to give my potential readers the right amount of information so that they can follow something that seems so natural to me only. I guess this is why it’s so important to have beta readers and critique partners, huh xD

It’s hard, yeah. Sometimes I sit there staring at my blank document and wondering why I’m putting myself through this trouble. But then I remind myself that I have a story to tell and a dream to achieve. And so no matter how hard it is, I keep going.

I have no intention of giving up. Not for now, and hopefully not ever.

Back to hammering my keyboard I go :’)

[dreamwriter]

Back to Business

Moving houses is not good for my writing progress :(

Everything’s a mess, there’s so much to do, and it’s so hard to really “settle” your mind to work when you’re not even really physically “settled” at your new place yet... 

But it’s been too long since I last worked on my story, so I’m going to stop using this as an excuse and force myself to get back to business. I know it’ll be hard to focus for now but I still have to try and move forward, because right now I’ve literally stopped. And that’s not good.

Keep going, keep writing. Settle your mind and travel back into the world you’ve been creating, and just as everything in your new home slowly falls into place, so, too, should all the details of the fantasy world in your story.

[dreamwriter]

Distracted AGAIN

I swear fandom is proving to be my biggest “obstacle” omg I keep getting into stuff and then getting distracted and not working arghhHHH

FOCUS.

WORK.

WRITE.

[dreamwriter]

Talking About My Ideas

I told my mum my story idea and plan so far. Not everything has been completely finalised, but I needed some tips and feedback from someone. She’s not as much of an avid reader, and not into YA fantasy stories at all, so definitely not my target audience. But I needed to talk to someone, and I trusted my mum to not judge me or discourage me, so I still went for it.

The ideas and scenes and plot points all seemed clear in my head, but actually having to say them to someone during a conversation really tests your ability to articulate these ideas clearly. Thinking about them, planning them, writing them, and speaking them are all vastly different procedures, and this conversation has definitely helped me to get a better grasp of my work so far.

I admittedly haven’t written much since my last post, but I think this “exercise” was very helpful, and I’m glad I mustered the courage to finally let someone in this world know about the ideas that I’ve been brewing inside my head for the past months, especially since they aren’t finalised and a lot of the details are still quite fuzzy even to me.

It was intimidating and difficult, and the process made me feel very “naked,” like I was exposing the silly little fantasies inside my head and asking someone for the first time if they thought these ideas were even worth putting out to the public. Sometimes I felt like crawling into a hole while talking, because everything sounded so silly when I said them out loud, and if the person listening wasn’t immediately smiling and nodding along, you felt like “omg they think it sucks, don’t they,” even if you know that’s not what they’re thinking. It’s all about having the courage and the confidence to accept other people’s opinions and input while also being assertive in your own views on your own creation, even if it’s only a work in progress for now. Speaking about it is almost like breathing more life into your creation, and bringing it into the world for the first time in a way that allows it to live outside of your head and become a small fragment of reality.

In the end, my mum couldn’t really tell me much in terms of what I mainly wanted to know: “Is it good? Should I bother with this idea?” Because, as she says and as many other tips online have said, it’s not necessarily about how good your idea is. It’s how you execute it. Whether your story turns out to be good all depends on that. And I couldn’t agree more. But she did share some opinions on what she felt worked well and what might need a bit more refining, which is incredibly helpful for me at this point in my creative process.

And now that someone close to me knows of the themes and messages I want to convey with my story and has at least a general understanding of the characters and plot, I have someone to talk to whenever I think of new ideas or changes that I want to make. And I think this will help me a lot as I straighten out the final details so that I can hopefully speed up the actual writing process!

[dreamwriter]

I started

I started it. Yes, it was only like three sentences and I’m not even sure if I’ll be keeping them later down the track, but it has a lot of meaning for me. I had to force myself to get something--anything--down on the doc, to literally force myself to stop procrastinating and finding excuses because I’m intimidated or whatever.

Just freaking START. If you don’t start anywhere, you’ll get nowhere.

It’s a shaky start and I’m not sure I know what I’m doing for now, but one small footstep, no matter how uncertain, is sure to get me somewhere.

April 2nd 2021, I started.

And now, I must continue.

[dreamwriter]

Making Readers Cry

One of the best feelings is when you write something angsty and a reader tells you that they couldn’t finish it all in one go and had to take a break halfway because they were crying so much and needed time to recover. And also that it had been a really, really long time since something had made them cry.

It was just a short fanfic and not something ~original~ or ~amazing~ or anything, but it still makes me so happy to hear ;___; And it really makes me hope that I can bring the same level of emotion to readers through original stories and characters that I create myself >___<

[dreamwriter]

Character Pics!

I’ve wanted some “visual” imagery of my characters for a long time, but since I cannot draw to save my life (I’m a stick figures kinda gal lmao), I thought I’d be doomed to have to visualise my characters in my head only unless I pay someone to draw them for me lol. 

But then! Lightbulb moment! The wonderful and fun thing that is picrew!!!

So I spent two days playing around with all sorts of different makers and creating my three main characters in all sorts of different drawing styles ^^

As a record (since this blog is all about keeping records lol), here are the two versions of each character that I liked the most :D

Not all accessories and clothes are exact and I’m pretty sure some minor details will still change the further I go with planning my story and fleshing out all the characters, but I like the way they look for now!

Seeing these characters that used to be vague, blurry ideas in my head come to life in front of me really gave me a boost and “reality kick” haha.

Okay, enough playing around with picrew (this was actually so much fun lol). Back to work with planning and outlining (>___<)/

(First picrew maker   |   Second picrew maker)

[dreamwriter]

Chop Chop

I need to get moving lmao. Spent a good chunk of last month sucked back into a game I was really into years ago, and then had a lot of my time taken up with fangirling about the conclusion of one of my favourite anime. I swear, fandom stuff serves as a huge source of distraction sometimes, and it’s hard to get my head and “mood” back into my own story’s world and characters when there are so many other fictional worlds and characters that keep stealing my attention ^^;;

So I think I need to start being more strict with myself and forcing myself to work on this thing. No matter how small, I need to move forward at least a little bit each day.

Literally spent the entire day today watching YouTube videos that discussed writing tips and advice for crafting a piece of work that gets published. I guess that’s also another thing I can resort to when I really don’t have anything new to add that day.

@ self: Stop waiting for ideas to just come to you, and start forming ideas of your own. I’ve spent long enough waiting passively for inspiration to strike and for things to fall into place in my head when something suddenly “clicks.” I need to start being more proactive and finding ways to fill in the gaps myself, even when the answers or puzzle pieces aren’t raining down on me naturally. I can always go back and change or tweak things if I come up with something better later.

Something, anything, I just need to be involved with my project in some way every day. Because if I don’t start moving, then I’m never going to get anywhere.

[dreamwriter]

So remember how in my last post, I mentioned the possibility of starting a notebook for my "midnight inspiration," and then said that it might be a waste? Jokes on me, I started one anyway haha :D

I glued the little sticky notes I kept from a while ago onto the first few pages, and next time I can just scribble straight onto the paper here hehe~

Most likely won't be able to fill it all up, but I hope I'll have many more nights where I can write in this notebook! ^3^

[dreamwriter]

Another Inspirational Night

Experienced one of those “nights filled with sudden inspiration” again yesterday. It kept me lying awake in bed until dawn, but I’d gladly trade those few extra hours of sleep if it meant getting a sudden surge of ideas and jumping quite a few steps ahead in my planning process!

I even had to scramble out of bed and jot down my ideas on some small sticky notes in the dim light of the wee hours of dawn (with a bit of help from the light coming from a neighbour’s window). And even then, I could hardly see what I was writing, but as long as I could tell that ink was, indeed, flowing from my pen, I literally just scribbled whatever I could in the semi-darkness (couldn’t turn on any light in case I woke my parents :S).

During these times, I wonder if I should actually get out a proper notebook for these occasional “inspirational nights,” but then again, this is only the second time it’s happened, so starting a whole new notebook might end up being a bit of a waste ^^;; Especially since my handwriting will be atrocious, as I can’t even see what I’m writing in the dark lmao. Seriously, it looks even messier than my exam papers when I was trying to finish writing 3+ essays within a few hours xD

But yeah, it seems like I go through phases of stagnation where nothing much really comes to mind and I don’t really move forward in my planning process at all, but then BAM suddenly there’ll be a few days/nights where all I can think about is the plot and characters. I wish it were possible to churn out all my ideas much quicker for ultimate efficiency, but alas, the best ideas cannot be forced in such a way. I must be patient and let the ideas flow smoothly and naturally as they come, but also push myself enough that I don’t end up not thinking about my project at all. Every step forward is meaningful, and it’s so important to find the right balance :)

My characters are beginning to take shape, I’ve gotten a few more ideas for the plot, and things are slowly but surely starting to come together. Here’s to hoping for more and more inspiration to come to me quickly, whether it’s during the day or at some ungodly hour in the dark ;) I’m excited to start, but I know I can’t do that until I have everything planned and mapped out to some extent (I’m a planner when it comes to writing hehe).

Oh, I don’t think I've mentioned this anywhere on this blog yet, but my mind and inspiration all went back to the original story I was trying to create. That smaller and “easier” second project has been put on hold for now. The brain works in strange ways, huh; when I want to work on one, it keeps getting ideas for another, and when I decide to go with the flow and work on that other one, it pulls me back into this first one instead xD

Either way, no matter which story ultimately reaches the “ready to go” status first, I hope it’ll be soon-ish, because I can’t wait to really get started ^^

[dreamwriter]

WHAT WERE THE ODDS

This is more of a crazy rant post than anything ~deep and insightful~ but I figured this was worth keeping a record of lmao.

I have been racking my brain over the past few months trying to come up with the perfect names for my characters. As every writer knows, character names aren’t things that can be decided on so easily, but just trying to find the perfect names has been taking me admittedly way more time than it really should. I’m fussy and I’m a perfectionist, so I guess I brought this upon myself lol. No surprise.

And so.

Last night, I literally thought that I had finally come to a decision. After months of painstakingly looking up name meanings and associations, I thought I’d found the perfect names. They sounded nice: unique but not too weird or ridiculous, had a dreamy fantasy feel, rolled off the tongue nicely, sounded nice spoken as a group, and, of course, had meanings that fit the characters very well. Most notably, the names of my male and female leads were finally decided, and these two were the ones I had been struggling with for the longest. The names I ended up choosing sounded lovely when spoken together and their meanings were slightly similar in a way that made for a very nice “pair,” too. It was perfect.

BUT.

One Google search revealed that these two names were, in fact, the English names for a very well-known couple from an ancient legend. WHAT WERE THE ODDS.

Yes, this couple is famous enough to be considered a household legend, and I am very much aware of their existence and story. But every time I’d heard/talked about them, it had always been in a context where their Chinese names were used. I mean, I was vaguely aware that the girl name I chose for my protagonist was the same as the heroine of this legend, but what were the odds that, with absolutely no knowledge, I’d scrape through countless websites online and look through countless male names and their meanings, and in the end just so happen to pick the very name of the heroine’s lover in this legend.

(I’m not going to specify the name of the couple here, but I figure Future Me couldn’t possibly forget this coincidence anyway, whether this book becomes a real thing or not xD And if you think you’ve figured out which couple I’m referring to, kudos to you xD)

I honestly can’t even decide if I should be frustrated at having to start thinking all over again for a new name or fascinated at this ridiculous coincidence. I guess I have no one to blame but myself for not being aware of the couple’s names in English to begin with, but I’m also glad that I did that Google search “for the sake of it” as quickly as I did, which was immediately after I made the decision lol. Important lesson, kids: always Google stuff just in case, because you never know if it’s already been used in some way. Obviously there’s nothing saying you can’t use something that’s already been used, but if you can come up with something different, then that’s clearly the better option.

Haven’t decided if I should change both their names or keep one but change the other. Either way, at least one of them has to change, because they definitely can’t be named like this. If I’m going to be keeping one of them, though, it’s definitely going to be the girl’s name. But yeah. Dear lawd, what were the odds of this happening to me.

Le heavy sigh. Back to the thinking chair I go xD Male protagonist, you become nameless once more... ^^;;