dried-up-old-prune - Tumblr blog

[dried-up-old-prune]

ADHD

I want to create art, I want to make music, I want to perform, I want to dance. I want to be strong and I want to be loud and I want to be kind. I want to learn, I want to eat good food, I want to explore. I want to enjoy it all. 

Discipline, dedication, and interest. Genuine curiosity. Grit, drive, and desire. 

Success, recognition, acknowledgement, and ego. 

Do I want these things or do I only need the validation? And who am I proving it to? Myself, likely. 

Jack of all trades. 

Master of none. 

Oftentimes better than a master of one? 

Debatable.

[dried-up-old-prune]

My hands are my own. 

No one else’s. 

I watch the tendons as they move,

like a symphony I wrote, 

I know it. 

The proportions, just right 

for me.

I snap my fingers

in two different ways, 

instead of one,

with the third finger over, 

and the middle as well. 

I drum my fingers on any surface

in the same way I have

since I was 12. 

I press on the veins in my wrist. 

First the right, 

and then the left.

I hold it down, watching the veins pale,

then lift my fingers quickly.

The blood streams back in,

so blue, 

so fast, 

over & over, 

until my skin is sore.

I have spent 20 years 

watching blood move in my wrists.

You would think, 

“She knows herself”

But I still can’t tell.

[dried-up-old-prune]

Burn Out

As a self-proclaimed people pleaser, the overwhelming guilt and shame that follows after prioritizing yourself is a terrible feeling. It’s a pit of despair. How could I let all these people down? Years of validation through approval has compounded into this anxiety ridden human standing in front of you today. On the surface you see an extroverted and confident person, happy and ready to help anyone who so much as gives her a passing smile. Beneath that facade is a crippling and upset stomach. A chest that is being crushed under the weight of a metaphorical ton. A cloud of shame that won’t dissipate, because self-sabotage is always the unintended goal. 

It’s egotistical, in a way. To think that a group of people won’t continue on in your absence. Forget the shame of not having a visible or physical illness, guilt surrounding this situation can be found at every turn. You’re leaving people to fend for themselves? Guilt. You think you’re so special that they won’t know what to do when you’re gone? Shame. You’re actually taking medical leave because you can’t stop crying and hyperventilating during your work hours? Sissy. Guilt. Shame. 

Then comes the clarity - No one can keep up. No one can sustain the stress and pressure of constant productivity. You have anxiety. You have depression. And what is the final symptom of depression?

You can say it. You know. 

Suicide. 

Do I want that to be a possibility? Do I want to add to the intrusive thoughts that are already plaguing my mind? When do the intrusive thoughts start to formulate a plan? I cannot let it get that far.