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In the near future

It's been a while since I last posted here. A very long while.

I never intended for it to be this long, but I'll be returning to post here once more.

This little island in the sea.

[drpotatocat-blog]

CAS of Year 12

When looking back at the things I have done for Year 12. 

I feel that they were just the beginning of something greater. Something better. 

I journeyed outside of my comfort zones and took up learning things and doing things that I never knew I could much less would do. 

Term 1. 

Creative

I joined ‘Learning to Cook’ as a means to prepare myself for my life at University. Little to my knowledge, this after-school CCA would be an aspect of the Creative section of my CAS. 

I learned how to cook many things, however they were mainly sweet and were animal product free due to one of the students that had joined being Vegan. 

Although I did not complain, it was a difficult task in learning how to do things that I was not used to. Making pancakes for the first time, making pasta sauce for the first time, making a pizza for the first time, making brownies for the first time as well as many other small and simple pastries that we made over the term. 

It was a deliciously made decision that I had done, to which allowed me to experiment and create my own recipes during the December break. 

What I later discovered from making a type of biscuit, was that I ended up making shortbreads and also created chocolate ganashe as a dip or topping. 

Nevertheless it opened up my interest in cooking and baking. 

And then there was The Borneo Project. 

Action 

Due to my previous injury in 2015, I could no longer do much strenuous activities that would require me to carry heavy loads and have extensive physical labour. 

Thus I settled for being a Backstage Crew member for the production of Les Miserables. 

It was an intensive 2 months worth of rehearsals that ended in one of the most successful plays that the school has ever produced. It was truly a remarkable experience being a part of the crew responsible bringing the play together. 

I felt accomplished when it ended every night of the actual performance. 

Being a member of the backstage crew allowed me an unrestricted access to the happenings behind the production of a good play. 

It also allowed me to experience the hectic and chaotic process that happens before and during a play. This experience also allowed me to appreciate the amount of effort that performers put into the production of a play, the amount of rehearsals that had to be done in order to achieve the necessary level of quality that is befitting of the standards that JIS has set itself out to achieve. 

Service 

As for the service aspect of CAS, I coincidentally signed myself up for The Borneo Project before being informed of CAS. 

The Borneo Project, to me, was a stepping stone out of my comfort zone. 

It allowed me to experience new events and partake in activities that I never would have imagined to do. 

The trip itself took place in the neighbouring state of Sabah. Despite it being so close to Brunei, I never actually visited the City of Kinabalu or Kota Kinabalu. 

It wasn’t that much different from some parts of Brunei in all honesty since it was also along the coast of the island. 

Nevertheless, I managed to create a lot of new memories. 

Going up the mointain range and reaching a peak that brought us over the cloudline of the area. It was an amazing experience that I will never get to experience in Brunei. 

Another amazing experience was when we finally completed the things we needed to do and even completed the construction work at a faster pace than the facilitators ever expected. So in the end, they ended up giving us whatever work they could think of giving us. That to me was satisfying, being part of a team that exceeded the expectations of people who have been doing this form of work before we were even born. 

Overall, the experience has allowed me to build upon my teamwork, social skills, and knowledge regarding the people around me and my country. And also to appreciate the experiences that I have gained throughout my life. 

And thus to conclude, CAS has changed my perception of the my world and has allowed me to step into the world of other people. 

[drpotatocat-blog]

Term 3 Reflections

To sum up the third term of Year 12; it was a rocky road along the Andes Mountains.

Looking back on the first two terms of my new school life in JIS.

I am reminded that they were merely the smooth-sailing years that required little effort to through, as what the teachers have all been saying. They merely prepared us for the upcoming storm that is Year 13.

I went through Term 3 with a lot of rough tumbles and bumps. It was not an easy school term for me for the pressure began piling up on me and caused me to slow down in my progress.

My EE did not even begin, much to the confusion of having no supervisor and being placed in the wrong subject choice. I managed to find my bearings on the final month of the term.

But, if I were to look back on the term. It was quite a difficult one. But I would dare say it was also rewarding.

The Borneo Project trip was exciting and left us with aching backs and muscles while having a good feeling of a new and refreshing self.

But, despite a momentary sense of relief without having to worry about my academic life; but I was brought back down to the realization of my overdue academic life.

With that I have to thank my teachers for having the patience in waiting for my work and my weak points.

I truly discovered my ugly habits and behavior during this term. I was faced with my true self and thus needed to make a change.

With that change, I will strive to be better than what I have always been.

[drpotatocat-blog]

Term 2 Reflections

This is something that I should have done last year. Albeit having lost it and gone through tough times. I have finally found the time to do this. 

Though this might merely be a descriptive reflection of the actions that I have done, it still is a stepping stone to the turmoil and struggle I had felt in Term 3 of Year 12 and Term 1 of Year 13. 

Term 2 was the term which allowed us to break into the school year by noting ourselves and gauging where we were in our academic and social standing. And by social standing I mean by: our state of minds, our health and other important bits that would allow us to operate as a human being. 

I felt that this term was the calm before the storm. The premonitions of a dark cloud approaching us drew ever so closer as we began our briefings on our Extended Essays and Internal Assignments. These were completely alien things to me as I severely lacked the knowledge regarding all the terminology that we used in classes. This was reflected on my performance as I did poorly (in my eyes, whereas my teachers believed that I just had a harder time adjusting of which is true). 

I tried my best to begin adjusting to the study program that I had set myself for the year and throughout my academic life at JIS. Albeit as my good Chinese friend has told me, “anything you plan will never turn out the way you want it to be”. I took this to heart as I began experiencing a lot of the unplanned disruptions that caused my habitual tardiness in handing in work as well as my poor state of mind. 

Nevertheless, I soldiered onto Term 3 of the school year and braced myself for Year 13. 

Little did I know that these little instances would bite me back later on. 

[drpotatocat-blog]

Escape

I always stood there

Looking at the same wall

The same floor

The same ceiling

The same room

Day after day after day

They tell me to stay in my room, They say it’s safe inside

They say the world outside is dangerous and will hurt me

I look out at the window and see it

The outside world

Calm yet flowing with motion, silent yet chattering with sound, indifferent from everything around itself yet changing everyday, hour, minute, second

I sit here, within the confines of my room

I think to myself

“What would happen if I were to go out?”

I looked outside once more

Being outside would not be so much different as staying within my room

I get food, I learn, I do what I wish, and I do not have to put in much effort to obtain what I wish for

Yet, I feel incomplete. Something in the back of my mind keeps pulling at my mind and heart

Like a long lost memory beckoning you from the depths of your mind

I stood up

I took a step towards the window

I reached for it and hesitated

I doubted myself

I began getting emotions of fear and thus I sat back down on the chair

Days go by, unchanging

My life differs not from the rest of the days

The mundane and dull aspects of my room created difficulties in my prediction of time

I found it difficult, to look at the window

As if I felt betrayed and ashamed that I hesitated

I kept avoiding thoughts about turning my head and looking at the window

Until one day, the day I could not understand anymore

The reason for my existence, the reasons for my purpose

I looked out that window and saw that the world has changed so much

The same picture that was within my mind had disappeared

It was completely different from everything that I knew of

I reached for the window

I stopped

and hesitated once more

I stopped and closed my eyes

I looked back at all the old memories I had of wandering about myself

And thus I strengthened my resolve and reached for the window once more

I opened it

I took in everything it gave me

The emotions, sensations, and memories.

The potential that I did not know about

I stepped out that window and walked

The sensation of the ground beneath my feet

The rustling of the leaves

The crinkling blades of grass after each step

I kept on walking and never looking back

I kept walking

I was free

[drpotatocat-blog]

The Path

When I grew up as a child, I was given the easiest of choices. I was helped with every decision I made, assisted along the way by those around me. 

I kept growing and the decisions didn’t really change much, they only changed the way they were presented and the fact that I needed to think which ones were more viable for myself and those around me. 

I keep thinking to myself why should I conform to another person’s actions or thoughts and commands? Why should I keep walking down this path for which the world wishes to see me as? 

I asked myself, Why should I help write someone else’s story for them and not pick up a pen or pencil and write my own story? The story of my own life and not others? 

I then remember that those closest to me have always guided me on this journey which we call Life. They never once failed in giving me advice that truly helped change everything. And to that I am truly grateful. And to that I thank my family and especially my parents. And to that I thank God for this chance at life I have been given. 

But I should never forget that these decisions of mine are what I make myself and that I am merely advised to take what others think is the best decision. And to remember that only I truly have the power to make that last decision that so many can never make. The strength that I have made for myself to change the way I live and the way I chose to do so. 

I have to remember that every decision I have made carves another path for me to take. Another tile in this endless road. I will be led to forks in the road and intersections, but I should never forget that I can also go off this road and make my own path to something that no one has ever seen or thought of. 

Thus I look at the world as something that I can use to help others. My actions can help define someone to be truly who they are. And returning to the point of me not caring about others, I thought to myself...maybe helping someone write their story isn’t such a bad thing. Thus I now aim to help others, to give them the chance to go after what they truly aspire to be, let them find their own path to the future, a light beyond that hill that only one may truly discover for themselves. 

This is the path I chose to walk. This is the beaten path that I shall continue on. A rough but satisfying one that only those who walk it will truly understand what it means to do what we will do. 

This is the path of someone who aspires and will be a Teacher. 

[drpotatocat-blog]

When night grew old, day grew young.

When waking up at 2 am in the morning. The stillness is unsettling. The calm and quiet air is too peaceful. 

Even with my worries, my work, my life. I couldn’t focus on anything. All but the moment of when you feel like the only person in the world. This feeling of loneliness and solitary isolation was nerve-racking. 

Then a message suddenly appeared on my phone. The buzzing breaking the silence and bringing me back to reality. The little LED light blinking like a lighthouse on the distant shore for my lost ship. 

I pick it up, and as my phone grew silent once more. The darkness engulfed me once again. Like a faulty lightbulb in a haunted house. 

I felt scared. It’s a truly traumatizing feeling, like as if I was the only person left alive. 

I guess this truly reflects the fact that we have a sense of belonging with other Humans. We truly live to socialize no matter how isolated we make ourselves to be. 

The day, begins to grow. The night no longer as strong as it was, released its grip of me. The light as holy as it has been seen as for eternity, cleansed my soul of this lonesomeness and reminded me of the other lives that lay silently around me. 

I stood up and took a breath of air. Looking out of the window and towards the sky. Watching the sun rise and repelling the darkness. Bringing hope and life to the lands once more. 

So for 3 hours. I was all by my lonesome. No one to talk to, no one to care.

It’s truly....indescribable. Only if one were to experience it themselves, then that is when one truly knows how lonely it feels.

In the past 3 hours...I thought about my life....truly thought about it.

The reasons for why I keep pushing forward. The reasons for why I want to give up....everything.

All i wish to say is that, I’ll keep on living. Keep on getting hurt. Getting torn apart inside. Like the day, lighting my path forward.

If that is what it takes to get me to where I want to be then so be it. 

[drpotatocat-blog]

Last week

My previous week was all about ups and downs....a lot of downs but i guess the ups kept my spirits up.

It’s almost the end of the term. Just a few more days and we still have a lot of assignments to hand in. Lots of writing, typing, analyzing, and etc. 

Lately I’ve been feverish. Not sure why I’ve been feeling that way. Hoping I’ll be fine till Friday. But all in all I’ve been fine....I guess....

I need to put in more effort in doing my work. Really need to start pushing myself even further. Getting sick is no excuse for me now. Gonna go beyond my limits. 

Really need an inspiration for my Written Task assignment and my Psychology Essay. I feel like giving up...truly feel like I have no more energy to keep on fighting. But even so, I must go on. Keep up the fight to strive for a better future. 

Speaking of the future....

A little thought about time...

Entire weeks go by. Months have passed by like the lights of a passing car next to a café at night. The hours have ticked by endlessly. The sun rising, setting, without a care. 

The world keeps on turning even though we’ve stopped ourselves. 

The river keeps flowing. The wind keeps blowing. The tides keep rolling.

We keep stopping to think about the future. To shape it however we want. To control it.

But we keep forgetting that only the past has happened and is a fact and that the present is the only controllable thing within our grasp.

The future is an intangible void of the unknown. An unforeseeable event that we all have this false interpretation of. A false reassurance of being able to shape it. We are reminded everyday of how much we can truly control. And how much the future can be unexpected and unpredictable. 

This ball of constant. A void of change. A kaleidoscope of light with no definite meaning. 

Some look at the future as something dark. So dark that it can engulf us without effort. 

Some look to it as something bright. Yet so bright it blinds our sense of direction. 

Regardless of how we see it, the future is something that must be defined by our actions of now as much as it allows us to. So keep living now, learn from the past and work towards the future. 

Pave that yellow brick road to your Emerald City or even a Tomorrowland. 

It’s better to suffer now, than to suffer later. Better to struggle now, to come out on top. 

Keep on living I say. Keep on fighting I say. Keep on going I say. 

But remember, don’t forget to come up for a breath of air. 

[drpotatocat-blog]

Daily dose of thoughts

You sit on your chair, bench, table, floor, sofa or whatever form of seating you have at this moment. 

You’re surfing the internet, reading a book, playing a game, eating some food or even something else unspoken. You’re doing whatever you want to do or have to do.  

Life passes you by, like a flowing river, never ending.

You look out the window, you see the world outside. Some of you see the light and the wonder that it represents with all the joys that it would bring when you go out into the world, while some of you would see the darkness and dangers and malice that it comes with, never looking towards the light for the darkness keep drawing your eyes to it.

Then there’s the equator people. The ones that see both light an darkness. Both looking like a mix of gray porridge or cement. Like a ball of unknown knowledge  and the mind.

Nevertheless regardless of what or how you see it, you curiously inch closer towards it. Your body draws closer to this unknown. Your mind tears away from your previous action or activity.

You then reach the door. The changing point of your world. 

The momentous decision that would remove you from past and open the world towards the future. 

This is the moment that we call the present. The moment that we are in right now. Your decision now will change what you do in the future. Your decision today was defined by the actions of yesterday. 

Your past can learnt from to define now to prepare for the future. 

You open the door.

You get blinded by the light and the darkness that gets blasted into your face. All these new experiences that you keep learning from. All these emotions that you feel. All these memories that you make. All changing who you are and who you become. 

They create a mold that you get stuffed into and then spat out into your life.

You go out doing what you want to do or have to do. Just like before you opened that door. 

But for now,

You can choose to open that door. Or leave it closed.

That decision is what you can do now. Choose. For that is your power. 

[drpotatocat-blog]

Preview of Les Misèrables to the school. Felt pressured since the real thing was just in a few days.

[drpotatocat-blog]

Reflection of the 1st term of School in JIS

All I can say is, It has been amazing.

Nothing comes close to the amount of walking I have done :)

But life must go on in the school, therefore I am going to reminisce on what has happened.

Sadly I couldn’t upload any photos beforehand but they will come soon. 

I look back to the beginning, before the beginning of school. Basically the day I enter JIS to begin its entrance examination and CATs or Cognitive Ability Tests during February, that were really draining if I do say so myself. The school was simply amazing. It was nothing like my previous school. Nothing like my previous stage of life.

What I did know however was that it was a new beginning for me, one that would test my perseverance and strengths and weaknesses. One that would push me to the breaking point and actually shatter me before bringing myself back up again. 

Now let’s skip a few months and continue in August, the day I actually begin my new school life. 

Integrating wasn’t really that easy without having already met the people before by sheer coincidence. I was utterly baffled by the way the school placed people into tutor groups, this was completely unlike my previous school by a long shot. After a few minutes of being completely confused, I managed to find where I was supposed to be and then be allocated to which tutor I was going to be with.

To sum up the first week of school, it was all about meeting new people and getting to know what we should and would and why and how we are going to be doing things. In all honesty this helped a lot. I really needed to get my bearings of my surroundings. 

Skipping all the things in-between besides the CCA choosing which was really confusing but worked out well I guess since I managed to get into the CCAs I wanted to be in. And the cooking classes which would normally take longer thanks to me being slow and having the need to clean all my used utensils properly and drying them. The Les Misèrables stage management CCA was a little confusing when i did not read, yes I didn’t read the week that it started of which was Week 8 and not Week 1. I face palmed so hard that day thanks to my ridiculousness. However progress is fast and good, even with a few mishaps and bumps along the way. Today is the big day, then tomorrow and Sunday as well but that’s not the point. It’s a really taxing yet satisfying job to be the backstage crew. It has given me that sense of feeling where I feel proud to be able to help make something like this come into being and helping make it successful. It’s gonna be a great performance. Just hoping nothing bad happens. 

Borneo Project was really good if i do say so myself. It was a little hectic but everyone seemed to know what they were doing. I myself went into the Trip Planning Committee, of which most of our work would be closer to when we have to actually fly to Kota Kinabalu then go 3 hours via bus to Camp Bongkud which would be where we would be doing our ‘Service’ or giving something back to society. BUT NOPE! Everything had to begin. Thus fueled with the need to prepare for a trip like I have always been when flying to a different country, I tried to get every little bit of information needed to prepare for the overall trip there but was halted by a wall of ‘awaiting the approval by the board’. But for now, most of the things we have to do have been covered and everyone i met have been extraordinary. Everyone could do what they had or needed to do. We all worked like a well oiled machine of which looks like it wouldn’t have even begun to work properly to begin with and yet it did. All we need to do now is confirm some things and await our Borneo Project Shirts! Can’t wait for the trip itself too! 

ONE THING! OF THE ENTIRE IB PROGRAM! WAS TOK AND CAS! 

Now it may be in capitals because it was exciting or just plain painful and horrendously difficult to achieve. And they stand for Theory Of Knowledge and Creative, Action and Service respectively. 

Theory of Knowledge completely screwed my mind over. It really got your brain to go far ahead then suddenly sling it back to the beginning. TOK has been a rollercoaster ride of the mind. Sometimes i get headaches from the sessions we had of them. But all in all it has opened up my mind about the world around me and the little things that pass me by everyday. It has also begun to open my mind to appreciate the things that I know and the things that I have, to be grateful of it all and be thankful for being able to have them.

CAS on the other hand has been really difficult to do with my injured knee and all for the ‘Action’ part of it. I have however covered the creativity part of which would be Learning to Cook and outside of school cooking classes. But I haven’t done enough from what I feel. I feel like I could do more, but my brain has been telling me not to push myself too much, I might fall and break. That’s why I’m taking things slowly, don’t rush it. But get it done and make sure you get it done better than you can ever have gotten it done. And what CAS has allowed me to do is to challenge myself and gain confidence in learning and doing new things that i never have done before such as the cooking and doing something selfless such that the service part of CAS comes in. 

The fact that I am doing this reflection so early in the morning is because I don’t get enough sleep. I haven’t been getting enough sleep for a very long time now. But my body has gotten used to it even with the fact that it is unhealthy to both my physical and mental health. It is exhausting me slowly though, that’s one problem I need to fix. And most of all my organization skills are truly lacking. I totally suck at organizing things properly, especially myself and my time management. My mother, father and teachers all have told me that i need to make use of my time more wisely and more productively. Of which I am ashamed to say is not what i have been doing in my life lately. I need to work harder on all aspects in learning, especially getting myself more informed and integrated with others than i already am. 

I can do better, but I’m not putting in the right amount of effort from what I can feel. I have to aim higher for next term than i have aimed this year.

Hope that next year will be good to all of us. And hoping that whoever reads this, I thank you for taking your time to do so. And I bid you all a good day!

[drpotatocat-blog]

It’s been a while

It truly has been a very long time since i posted something. But life has been getting pretty busy lately with all the work I have and research I have to do. 

Life’s been getting at me. The dark void of the past has grabbed onto the beacon light of the future with its chains of depression, anger and frustration. Dragging the light down into its endless maw, the light struggles ever so desperately to escape, to no avail.

The darkness engulfs it whole and slowly destroys it. 

Miraculously, a spark of ambition. Igniting the light once more and driving the way forward to progress, change and clarity. The light begins its fight for freedom once more with renewed strength and conviction. 

The darkness held on strongly and yet the light manages to escape part of its grasp. However even with this, the light is still held strongly by some of the chains of depression and frustration. 

The darkness ever seemingly unwilling to let go, holds on as if its very existence depended on it. And the light, pulling away with all it can. Pushing away, pulling forward. Both powers converging and diverging upon each other. 

A symphony of light and darkness. An endless struggle between Happiness and Sadness. A battle that shall never come to an end.

[drpotatocat-blog]

Day 9

Today....today was hard. English is gonna screw me over tomorrow but oh well. TOK movie night is amazingly fun. Tiring but gonna do a lot tomorrow. Lots of work. Lots of thinking. Can't say much anymore but nothing much is needed to say anyways.

[drpotatocat-blog]

Day 8

Nothing new. Nothing fancy. Made some progress in AC: Black Flag. Did work. Etc. No other progress on anything else.

[drpotatocat-blog]

Day 6+7

Lots of interesting things I found out about Psychology. TOK was hard thanks to Gettier's problem. Ate some fish and chips on Friday night, tasty stuff. Today was indonesian fried noodles, lovely and delightful. Went to Aewon HQ for the first time, managed to get a good price on a shirt design. Lots more to do, so little time.

[drpotatocat-blog]

Day 5.2

Interesting day overall. Found out new things about my graphics calculator. Did lots of interesting work on speeches. Not much around the lessons besides screwing with Aaron's brain when I talked about TOK. OH! And there was this adorable little spider I found which lots of people were afraid of...don't know why. But oh well today was more laborious than yesterday but tomorrow will definitely be eased up.

[drpotatocat-blog]

Day 5.1

Morning today was cold. Very...cold. Woke up at 1:50 am with little sleep. Hard to find time to do things. Bad habits kicking in. School was pretty interesting, cutting it close with the global goals presentation sheets. But today seems to be a fun filled day, hoping tomorrow will be better.