duders48-blog

[duders48-blog]

8-6-19

Can't sleep. I’ve got a job interview, a meeting, a day working next to my ex while she’s thinking about her current girl, I boss to impress, a three-hour drive to see my sister, and I can’t sleep. 

You’d think that I’d be nervous about my interview... but I’m thinking it’s the one thing I DON’T have to do. I have a job and I’m doing pretty well at it, hence the impressing of the boss; this interview is just for a better paying job. 

I actually can’t sleep because my ex, who grows and paints her nails long and well decorated, bit them off yesterday at work. Let me paint a picture. Imagine a rainbow of colors, beautifully gradient-like and all unique. Some with shining rocks on top of it. Probably closer to 2 inches in size. Half of it on her finger and the other half, coming out of her finger. Very girly and well groomed. Acrylic I believe, but I don’t know enough about nails because I cut mine off as soon as I get to see any growth significant to hide dirt underneath them. 

I’m coming back from a meeting and I see her sitting down when she usually sits, laptop open, reviewing calls. She is one of the supervisors of the Bridge team; we work at a call center. I walk past her and notice that this time, there is no laptop, so I figure she is just hanging out because we have about 2 hours before we all get off. I try to do small chit chat but get pulled to go answer some questions. I’m a team lead, sort of like an assistant to the supervisors in my department. I help their team mainly by answering questions but also by leading meetings, reviewing calls, and coaching advisors. I’ve been doing this for about 6 weeks now. When I look back at her after answering that question, I see her putting her head down. I go and I asked if she is fainting because she told me she wasn't going to eat lunch. She hasn't been eating much because she is broke; all her money is going to pay for her new place that she is moving into next week. I offered to take her to lunch but she thanked my and declined. I go answer another question and when I look back I see her head is now up again but her eyes are staring into an emptiness that I don’t think I’ve seen before. Now I worry. 

I try to go back to her but more questions pull me away and I walk around the advisors going as quickly as possible answering the best I can. I keep glancing back. It doesn't get better. Then, I see something I thought I would never see... she is very vain and loves having long nails, a full face and high heels on. But she takes one finger into her mouth, and bites the nail into two like-size pieces. I don’t believe my eyes. She pulled the trash can next to her and started “removing” each of her nails. I finally get away and try to talk to her. Nothing. I have always been at a loss when it comes to communicating with her. It’s hard. So then I just sit there, looking at her, waiting. I ignore the next hand that goes up, waiting. Finally she looks at me. She had clearly noticed me before but had chosen to ignore me and continue biting her nails off. But I’m staring into her eyes and she eventually asks “what.” I ask what's wrong and she brushes me off with “that's not your concern.” 

She’s right. Technically. 

In my head I agree and get pulled to answer another question. I then go ask her best friend what is going on with her. He doesn't tell me much, only that the place the was moving into was not going on as planned. But that can’t be it... I’ve never seen that look on her face, much less at work, where everyone can see it. 

I go back and decide to let it be; she isn't gonna tell me what's wrong, but I stick around close by to see if she talks to someone else about it. She doesn't. people come and ask what is up. Our boss comes and asks what is up. She is a tomb. I start coaching some of my advisors on the tools they will need for tomorrow and finally I see her heading to a group of friends. She starts talking to another close friend of her. I don’t know what she says but I see her talking. I talk to my advisor some more but I keep glancing back at her, she doesn't stop talking. This has to do with a woman, I thought.

I pull all my advisors away and have my meeting, which is stressful enough because they are feeling unsupported by the supervisors and they are getting written up by things they find petty and stupid. I can’t blame them for thinking that way but I’m not gonna jeopardize my job because they think the company is wrong in doing this. After my meeting, I talk to my supervisor and her. My team is going to be her team next week so she wants to be kept in the loop of their performance. She seems to have pulled out of the “zombie” mode but we still don’t talk about anything significant and its clocking out time so she leaves shortly after. 

Side note: it just started pouring outside my window. The sounds of the keys and the raindrops are somewhat soothing. If only I could sleep.

I left work and felt shaken. I got home and played in bed for what seemed like an hour. I knew I was hungry so eventually I got up and grabbed some food. I was supposed to pack some clothes for my trip but didn’t really feel like it. So instead I walked back mirror. the new season came out and I walked the miley episode. It definitely took me out of the weird mindset for a minute but after that, I decided to masturbate and my ex’s name came out of my mouth. 

I don’t know what feelings I have for this girl. I’ll use her middle initials for reference from now on. LC.

To make a long story short, we met at work, we had a lot of chemistry, we dated for 10 days, had lost of great sex, then she moved on and decided to be with a guy, then she came back and we almost got back together, until she met this other girl. 

I think the main reason why we didn’t work is because we did not communicate. She is black and I’m hispanic so there are things that are very different about our cultures. Also I think our races are discriminant against each other; I know for sure mine is. 

A few months ago in march, we were almost about to get back together but she asked me some questions and I couldn't answer. I had just never really given them much thought but now thanks to her, I have thought about these questions a lot. She said things like “do you see yourself with me for a long time?” “marriage?” etc. 

Being gay and growing up hispanic is hard. I put high expectations for myself and I never want to disappoint my family, even if on the outside I act like I am a free bird and do what I want. I mean, I do what I want but I never wanted to disappoint my family or hurt them in any way. If being gay was a choice, I would not have chosen it. 

But back to my issue. I guess I’m upset she is upset. I miss her sexually. I want her sexually. But it was never just about the sex, I just had so much chemistry with her. I feel a fire around her, because I know that she is going to be honest and loyal. Despite her player-like behavior, I know she doesn't mean to play me or have bad intentions for me. I know she cares about me and possibly loves me as a friend. To this day I know I can’t give her what she wants or needs and she isn't exactly what I asked for. 

Maybe that’s the thing. I haven't asked for someone specific. And I don’t mean just looks... looks help but they aren't everything. I mean I haven't asked for someone to come into my life. I haven't prayed about it. I simply believe that God has control of things and he/she knows best and I put my life in the hands of God. 

I want someone to build something awesome with. Someone to travel with. Someone to play dungeons and dragons with or to cook dinner for or to have date movies with pop corn and wine. I want someone to cuddle with. Someone who my dog with cuddle with. I want someone who will communicate with me and talk to me about their issues and get me even when I don’t get myself. I want someone who will cherish me and I want someone who doesn't insult me or hurt me physically or emotionally. I want someone who will spend the night. I want someone who I can cry with, cry in front of, and who won't think I’m weak. I want someone who will take me by the hand and walk down the boardwalk with me, proud. I want someone that looks at me and feels blessed to be with me. I want someone who makes me feel like I’m the luckiest girl in the world. I want someone who balances me. I want someone strong and delicate. I want someone who likes nature, going on hikes, going to the beach at night just to look at the stars. I want someone who isn't afraid to show their most intimate side. I want someone who is open. I want someone who is smart and beautiful, inside and out. I want someone who I can admire. I want someone who has ambition for themselves and for us as a partnership. I want someone who I can raise a kid with, if that happens. I want someone who I can sing with. I want someone who laughs with me and not at me. I want someone who loves themselves and is able to love me. 

And she isn't that someone.