dumbjackass

[dumbjackass]

updates

idunno I still want to use this stupid thing.

life:

feeling better with warmer weather. stilled fucked for money but still trying to come up with something. got a diagnoses, got meds. Adderall would help if my doc actually prescribed them right but I'll keep trying. the moments I have enough my brain like...actually works. I just wish it were acceptable for me to look at my doc and be like "hey I'm about to be homeless I kind of need to fucking function." like I have applications for housing to send out and I've been bed ridden with anxiety at the situation. also saying that sounds med seeking which is a stupid concept in the first place because yes dumbasses I'm seeking it. that is the thing I need and I don't even like it. and my add is so bad I mostly just space out when I have to time take it to the point that I run out of time lol

also freaking out about my memory. maybe I'm just high all the time maybe its Maybelline, maybe it was the drinking vodka everyday for 11 years. thats another thing I should write about at some point but not meow.

detransition;

I need to call a surgeon to see if I can get tits but I'm scared of being told no lol. I should also have a steady place to live but ya know...priorities. the fake boobs I have I still think are too big, a c cup. I don't know I think I'd be fine with an a cup again if only to not be SO flat lol.

my hair feels so lush, my hair line is still fucked but hopefully some beaded bang extensions will help idk I'm trying to get creative. maybe one day I'll have thousands of dollars to fix it.

eh I do more later I'm tired

[dumbjackass]

Dont think my therapist understands poverty. I feel like all I'm doing is going in and complaining about how I cant escape and how it effects my mental health. I don't feel like she offers either compassion or ways of coping she just kind of rolls her eyes and shakes her head. I told her I might have to live in a tent this summer and her eyes did that wide-im-judging-you shit and its like..do you think I WANT to be homeless? I have the cheapest rent around and I still cant afford this. just because I signed up for section 8 and just because there are shelters here doesn't mean I'm going to be able to get those things.

i just get the feeling she either thinks I'm lazy or actively doing things to not help my situation. like its a rural area I cant only apply to so many jobs and now is the worst time to apply. and when she suggest places to work it comes off like she thinks I haven't thought of this.

what I WISH I could do is apply to disability for my PTSD because I've been in and out of mental hospitals and in and out of homelessness but when I bring this up to doctors they tell me I function just fine and make me feel like I'm trying to be manipulative. like I'm going from job to job because of my illnesses. I cant form relationships moving around and I cant really do that anyway. disability isn't like some utopia for me its something that could keep me from being fucked. and I don't want to sit in my ass all day there's things I want to fucking do, and I could do that if I had that, it would also help me with housing which I am also treated like I'm being manipulative for. like???? sorry I want to live? that's specifically what I'm having trouble doing. am I supposed to just try and fail and try and fail as my hands keep falling down the walls as a slip right back down to the bottom until I work my way up to killing myself.

i wanted to go to therapy to process trauma but I cant do that while I'm actively being traumatized.

[dumbjackass]

dad stuff.

my mood is so weird idk if its cuz if been drinking more or if its just my general moodiness. really no matter where I'm at I'm moody so who can say really.

i feel super hostile towards everyone and I don't want anyone to see me when I'm out in public so when cashiers are talking while ringing me up in my head I start loosing my shit or if lines are long I just feel like "why is God doing this to me?"

it was also just my 30th and my dads birthday is the day after mine.

i haven't called him and he hasn't called me and part of me wanted to call him today but then I thought about it and felt like it wouldn't bring me any form of relief. I guess I'm starting to realize that every time we talk it just makes me more and more unhappy. I don't know who he is anymore. all he talks about is himself or what ever subject he's losing his mind about but I usually disagree with him and he usually wont shut up or hear anything else. when he talks about me I hate it because he acts like he knows who I am and he doesn't. I haven't seen this man in 15 years he has no idea what the fuck I'm like.

last we spoke I told him I wasn't doing well mentally and he started to leave me alone. he had been calling me none stop to talk and he's never done that and I fucking hate when anyone does it. it makes me never want to talk to that person again. I know that's ridiculous and childish but I just really don't know how to express myself as an adult and it feels so shameful.

i know I need to deal with this at some point because he's not going to live forever and I'm going to have to come to terms with a lot of unresolved shit.

[dumbjackass]

hair and face and things

put extensions in my hair a while ago and loved them even though they looked like shit and were uncomfortable but they covered my receding temples and just made me look way for feminine which was dope. but I finally took them out and go some wigs and with eye liner on I'm pretty sure I just completely pass as female again. but like I haven't come out yet at all.

idk I guess I just get pissed off at the idea of it also a lot of what I went through happened because of all my trauma and I don't feel like having to explain something like that every fucking time and its hard to make a short hand version of all this.

i asked my love if a selfie titled "got my second sex change at Claire's text it <3" but he seemed to think that was a bad idea. idk its not my fault I'm such an AMAZING communicater (sarcasm).

(also have my second round of laser coming up and I'm already so happy dude even though its all still there its so much thinner and lighter and takes longer to grow.)

[dumbjackass]

ya know for someone with low self esteem I sure do have high self esteem

[dumbjackass]

figured out my problem all is well in the valley lol

[dumbjackass]

co worker saw me getting up after kneeling by the host station and goes "you get up like an old person"

cool bitch I'll slap the youth right off fuck ya knees kid.

[dumbjackass]

I just feel like fucking dog shit.

I though I had a yeast infection, took meds, didn't clear, went to the docs, and its not that.

they think its bv. been taking meds almost finished with absolutely no improvement. they thought it looked like that or an STD.

dont think my partners cheating but the mention makes me edgy and feel some type of way.

reading and reading. don't really think I have an STD or bv cuz I'm not smelly I'm just in fucking pain.

cant prove it but FAIRLY sure this is vaginal atrophy from my detransition. I have every symptom and this makes way more sense. Atrophy was also something I brought up to my doc specifically when I went to her to talk for the first time about all this and she just sat there like "mmmhmmm:)" and then did nothing. I even specifically mentioned going on estrogen for it.

And as I read more I just feel sadder and sadder. it says treating vaginal atrophy will take weeks before I get any sort of comfort and it's not a curable problem.

I loved my sex life and to think of it being so greatly impacted because of someones negligence is so fucking enraging and heartbreaking. I feel so disconnected to him not being able to engage in that way and I'm also in so much pain all the time I cant really function so I just never feel like I'm present. I just feel like I'm by myself and I'm miserable. thinking of not being able to have a normal sex life honestly makes me want to die.

I don't know yet I still haven't gotten my labs back so for all I know its still bv maybe I just have some shitty strain who knows. Occasionally I just hope its gonorrhea because at least you can cure that quickly and I can get out of this misery faster but I don't think that's the case.

Its been days and I've called already and they don't have anything. I also messaged my doc through the portal before the weekend about being in a dysfunctional amount of pain and have just gotten no response.

i just want some fucking relief.

[dumbjackass]

a thought

i constantly daydream as a coping mechanism. I am idealistic and I want this perfect dopamine packed experience where I feel like I'm fucking great because I really feel like a piece of shit and real life ain't that hot.

in my imaginary scenarios my brain has people calling me "he" which is normal I think. but its weird if I try to imagine "she" its not like its not me in my head but more like I need to get to know myself again if that makes sense?

[dumbjackass]

it ain't easy havin a fat pu$$y and a gorgeous face but I fuckin deliver.

[dumbjackass]

my vagina is so upset why is God trying to smite me?

[dumbjackass]

anyway this is the sexiest version of this song.

[dumbjackass]

This misery is relentless.

I started my new job today. 8 hour shift up at 6am. doing the same tomorrow. hung over and will probably drink again tonight even though I know I haven't eaten enough to not be sick at work I don't care I hate the way I feel.

i feel like grief stole my partner from me and I'm just completely fucking alone. even when I'm with him I'm alone and I cant take it. everyone is so far away from me. I don't have anyone to go to ever. It's not like I cant tell my friends I'm sad but they're not here and it's not the same.

the other day his mom and sisters came over to look at family pics and even though his family is broken and traumatized too I just selfishly felt sad knowing I wont ever get to have that with with my parent and siblings. they were literally there looking at pics of his dead brother and I felt jealous. I just feel disgusting.

i hate complaining about anything to him but he's so shut down and he has the right to do that. grief changes people.

i just miss him so fucking much it physically hurts and now I'm starting to cry.

hes literally one room from me. I asked him to please spend time with me and he just fell asleep.

i hear him whimper at night when I sleeps sometimes and I know all he has are bad dreams.

[dumbjackass]

All of the rooms in my house feel like The Wrong Room to be in and I don't like it.

i feel like I also need to be with my partner all the time in a way that I really don't like. there is so much shit I want to do on my own and I just cant relax.

[dumbjackass]

[dumbjackass]

tbh I would rather eat glass than do anything productive ever again

[dumbjackass]

I think smoking and becoming very tired and lazy would be an excellent way to kick off this job search.