dumbletexts - Tumblr blog

[dumbletexts]

No wonder poor Aberforth’s got no chill, Albus absorbed it all in the womb.

You can think what you want about the teaser, but the hottest part is simply that we were triggered over 4 years that Credence is this powerful obscurus and all lead’s to this epic fight…. and then Albus is not giving a fuck about it

This powerful gay wizard.

[dumbletexts]

When ur a French history buff and remember that the bisexual badass Julie d’Aubigny didn’t get charged by the king becuse he found her hilarious and even tho ol’ Louis XIV wasn’t “a fan of the gay” but really didn’t do shit against it because his brother Philippe was gay and if he cracked down on homosexuality he’d have to throw his brother in jail but he loved him so he didn’t wanna do that. #siblinggoals.

[dumbletexts]

When ur a part of the itty bitty dick committee but it’s all cool cause u have absolute power and bitches love absolute power.

Would you mind telling us a few little-known facts about Louis XIV? I'm always interested in learning the side of history that is rarely talked about.

Heres one dozen facts for you:

• His favourite colour was blue. It was also Louise de la Valliere’s favourite colour too. One thing they had in common.

• After supper, he pocketed some pastries and biscuits to feed to his dogs.

• When he was younger, he would groom his moustache almost every day, curling and slicking it.

• He would visit his mistresses’ rooms if he was in the mood for a good time, not them coming to him.

• His favourite book was The Prince by Niccolo Machiavelli. Some say this is where he could’ve gotten inspiration for his ruling method from.

• He was fond of Thomas Hobbes’ political philosophies. He hired a translator Samuel de Sorbière to translate Hobbes’ books and other writings from English to French.

• He had a pessimistic view on human nature.

• He had an interest in Chinese culture, therefore, an art form called Chinoiserie first appeared during his reign. Chinoiserie is the European interpretation of East Asian artistic traditions, using a lot of porcelain and Chinese-influenced designs.

• He thought that the fashion in England was quite tasteless, writing in a letter that the English nobles dressed like his footmen. 

• When Bernini came to Paris where he sculpted Louis’ bust, Louis would only allow a certain number of sitting sessions as he was a busy man who had things to do. He sat in front of Bernini for a total of thirteen times for one hour each session.

• And speaking about Bernini, Bernini himself commented on Louis’ looks saying, “He has half the mouth in one way, and the other in the other, a different eye too and even different cheeks.” He made some touches to the bust by enlarging the king’s eyes, elongating his small forehead, making his face more oblong, and fixing the asymmetries that were mentioned.

• John Wilmot made a poem on Charles II of England saying that his “p***k was of length”. Louis’ short-term mistress Catherine Charlotte de Gramont read it and made a comment on her royal lover saying that although his power was great, his “sceptre” was not so, as it was rather petit.

[dumbletexts]

Irish dude: “Alright, we’re gonna murk the king cuz we’re tired of his shit.”

Thomas: *stares at Charles in the river*

Irish dude: “Pull the damn trigger Thomas!”

Thomas: “I can’t kill him!”

Irish dude: “WHY NOT?!”

Thomas: “I’m gay!”

(actually he had a wife and kids so I dunno if I can say “gay”, but damn his reasoning sounds very non-straight)

Sometimes: History is Better than Fiction

Ok, so I was watching a little Horrible Histories and there was that clip about Charles II letting Thomas Blood off for trying to steal the Crown Jewels because Charles found it fuckin’ hilarious. And Simon (Thomas’ actor) told Mat (Charles’ actor): “I’ve got a great story about the time I was plotting to kill you.” Charles was like: “Did you succeed?” And that was pretty funny, but I was on Thomas Blood’s Wikipedia page and I found this little quote:

There is also a suggestion that the King was flattered and amused by Blood’s revelation that he had previously intended to kill him while he was bathing in the Thames but had been swayed otherwise, having found himself in “awe of majesty.”

Several other sources have this too: Basically, King Charles was either swimming or bathing in the river, this Irish dude was gonna murder him, saw him naked and then changed his mind because  “his heart misgave him out of awe of His Majesty”. Bruh: IF THIS ISN’T THE GAYEST SHIT I’VE EVER HEARD IN MY LIFE, I DON’T KNOW WHAT IS!”

[dumbletexts]

Hmm...I dunno. I think it’s more likely Louis Quatorze was the one who said himbo rights.

Charlie II said himbo rights

Sort of....he was very clever but he surrounded himself with a lot of himbos

[dumbletexts]

Louis XIV: ruthless, tyrannical bastard but an effective king because he slept, breathed and lived politics, got shit done.

Louis XVI: really decent and nice guy, tried his best but failed miserably cuz he doesn’t know wtf he’s doing.

[dumbletexts]

Louis XIV and Charles II probably wrote each other letters filled with semi-affectionate shit talking and explicit jokes about women and humble-bragging about “I’m cooler than you cuzzo, deal with it.”

[dumbletexts]

He is my child and I love him.

Literally most people I know: “Dude! Louis is so gross, how could you like him..?”

My Louis voice: “SOMEONE HAS TO!”

In this house, we love a ruthless, bitchy, fashion icon of a king.

[dumbletexts]

My Louis fan ass (I can’t call myself a stan, he’s too bastard for that) is officially coming out of the closet...it’s time, I’ve been in hiding long enough. I love my king, ok? And I’m not ashamed.

[dumbletexts]

I read this fic where Azrael was fucking War and Death. And there was ANOTHER fic where he fucked War and STRIFE...not at the same time tho. But still! I bet Fury was like:

“Hey, Azrael?”

“Yes?”

“You remember when we talked and I said “fuck my family?”

“Yes...”

*draws knife* “THIS ISN’T WHAT I MEANT!”

[dumbletexts]

Philippe: Damn Louis, it’s a simple yeah or nah.

“It is in your interest, brother, that the majesty of the throne should not be weakened or altered; and if, from Duc d'Orleans, you one day become King of France, I know you well enough to believe that you would never be lax in this matter. Before God, you and I are exactly the same as other creatures that live and breathe; before men we are seemingly extraordinary beings, greater, more refined, more perfect. The day that people, abandoning this respect and veneration which is the support and mainstay of monarchies,–the day that they regard us as their equals,–all the prestige of our position will be destroyed. Bereft of beings superior to the mass, who act as their leaders and supports, the laws will only be as so many black lines on white paper, and your armless chair and my fauteuil will be two pieces of furniture of the selfsame importance.”

— Louis XIV’s response to his brother’s request to sit in an armchair in the king’s presence, as recorded by Madame de Montespan

[dumbletexts]

Versailles was pretty much the party spot of Europe. People were getting drunk, getting high, fucking, partying, and sometimes poisoning each other. I think sometimes that Versailles was a dream that Louis XIV had one night while he was tripping out on 17th century acid.

[dumbletexts]

YES, THIS! I post about Louis because he’s funny and interesting and his stories fascinate me, that doesn’t mean that he wasn’t a shitlord.

‘XYZ person from history was problematic for XYZ reason and you shouldn’t talk about them on your blog or post about them because if you do, it’s tantamount to endorsing the bad things they said/did’ Gonna be real with you, chief, but this (weirdly popular, at least on Tumblr Dot Hell) mentality is so redundant of any like….real worth. Everyone from the past would be 'problematic’ in the modern world, every single person, including the most radical of radicals. Really, unless someone on here outright says they support something atrocious or truly admires a really evil historical figure (like Hitler), then it’s a bit weird to put words into their mouth and assume that they support something or think positively about something because one of the historical figures they are interested in (and remember, 'interested in’ doesn’t always necessarily mean 'I like them’) from 300 plus years ago did. Like, I love Louis XIV of France but that doesn’t mean I particularly crave to live under an absolute monarch and besides, I’m half-Rromani and so, would’ve barely even been allowed in France at the time Louis was kicking about. But I learnt this fantastic thing called 'nuance’ and it really helps me retain my passion.

Also, most importantly, you actually don’t do anyone any favours by refusing to contextualise and face the awful things otherwise normal people did in the past. Understanding the nuances of something does not equal excusing it. Refusing to even acknowledge the parts of history that make you uncomfortable (usually because you don’t know how to process them, since history almost never fits a simple black-and-white narrative) is how we end up forgetting ourselves and forgetting the kind of atrocious things we’re all capable of. That’s dangerous.

[dumbletexts]

Really, outside tho? You horny bitches couldn’t get to an actual bed?

I knew at that moment that I was lost, and that I had, quite probably, wished it so. 

[dumbletexts]

They’re so CUTE together, I LOVE THEM!

“You stay classy #Versailles.” (x)

[dumbletexts]

I LOVE this, i was musing about this exact same thing a couple of days ago!

I think Quatorze would be a little irritated that he can’t go hunting after a while, but besides that he’d be just like you said. “What do you mean I can’t go to my girlfriend’s house?! How am I supposed to get laid?!”

“Sire, you have like eight of your other girlfriends down the hall.”

“Oh yeeeeeaaaah.”

Latest musings. Historical figures and how they'd handle quaratines.

Louis XIV is perfectly fine with it. He built this palace so he never had to leave any way, and he already mastered working from home.And as long as everyone's gotta be quaratined in here with him .....Doesn't even disrupt his routine. No, Monsieur le Duc, a mild cough is no excuse for missing the Levée.

Marie-antoinette sees this as a wonderful opportunity to have more time with her children. She's that mom that made a color coded schedule full of academics, exercise and fun activities. This will all somehow work out, surely. The toxic positivity is getting a little irritating, however. This is not going to "blow over".

Her husband, Louis XVI is similarly handeling things well, as it is an excuse to NOT see people and make locks. I'm sorry, I can't king today I'm on quarantine.

Alexander the Great is going completely stir crazy and it is day three. Fine, he'll use the time to catch up on some projects. He has reread every book, written to everyone he said he was going to write to, (including a letter to Aristotle re: Virus help?) planned out army strategy for months at a time, composed a satyr play?, and drunk all the retsina. It is day four. An army is exactly the best place for a virus to spread so it is imperative he stay inside to set the example for the men. He will obey, for their sake. He really wants to go outside. Just for a little while? After all he's young and healthy it's not like HE'S going to get sick and die from a stupid virus. Right?

(Also sneakingly suspects, despite all education and experience, that if he really really tries he could fight the virus. He can't fight a virus. But Achilles fought a river--you can't fight the virus, Aleko. It is day six )

Add more history friends!!

[dumbletexts]

I’m gonna need Mr. Montespan to get his shit together

Also what about the time Montespan’s husband turned up at Saint-Germain-en-Laye to voice his displeasure ONCE AGAIN at his wife being the mistress of Louis XIV and he had placed Satanic horns on his carriage to be petty, so there was just this ugly little bewigged man peering out from behind the curtain of the window, huffing and heaving in the shadows with these fuck-off huge wooden Devil horns of his carriage, actually expecting his wife to look at him and look at the KING OF FRANCE and be like ‘you know, I made a huge mistake. I’m off home’ aksksksk