dummci

[dummci]

It gets better.

I am the happiest as I write this. This, I barely do it. I barely write whenever I am happy. But today, I decided to write because I deserve to write about wholesome things and let people know that even if we go through the darkest nights, a day will come when we will be able to wake up with the sunshine right in front of us.

For the past months, I found myself going through my roughest time of the year. I am losing the people I cherish the most. These people are whom I have kept since then. These people are whom I directed the love that I never gave to myself because seeing them feel loved is the only thing that made me happy. These are people whom I considered to be my home, my comfort zone. As much as I want to keep these people, they are already slipping out of my hand, and this is one of the hardest things that I've been through.

It kept me awake 'til the morning. It made me question myself.

"Where did I go wrong?"

"What did I do?"

"Am I not worth keeping?"

"How can these people ignore me so easily while I've been there the whole time?"

"Should I let go already?"

"What is wrong with me?"

These are only a few of the questions that kept me awake, staring at the ceiling as the tears from my eyes won't stop coming out. I was left without a word. No answers were given. The hardest goodbye is actually being left without a word. It makes you wonder about a lot of things. It makes you think that you failed for them to keep you around. It's fucking horrible than it sounds. It will wake your monsters inside your mind. These monsters won't stop whispering inside your mind how dumb you were that's why they left you. It's like that. You are chained from the thoughts that we never answered.

It makes us realize that life is so unfair cause we've been going through this, and on the other end, the person who left us can act as if we never mattered in the first place. They easily ignored us as if we were only these strangers they met while walking. It's miserable. It made us miserable.

It gave me the constant thought of "What if I kill myself already?" Every day, I am losing it. What would they do? I never failed to reach out. I always reached out on my darkest nights, but none of these people lend their hand to save me. The people who we thought would be there actually turned their backs. It went through my mind like that.

But I always give tomorrow another chance. I always try to be positive. I don't wanna die. I just want to feel alive. But what's going through made me feel dead inside. If there's one thing I would like to do, it would be to stay alive despite going through a lot. I've been through a lot. I made it before; I'll get through these things too. I became self-reliant for days.

I thought I was alone. But then I wasn't. I only felt alone because the person I expected to stay is already gone. But then it doesn't end there. My friends, whom I thought were never there, actually reached out. They were there all this time, and I only ignored them because I held onto that one person I thought was my person.

But as hard as it sounds, I have to let go of the past that I've held onto.

I gave it a chance. I've decided to open myself up to these people whom I ignored and cared for me. And since that moment, until today, it made me feel happiest to have these people.

I know some would say, "stop giving yourself to people again and again." "stop being reliant on others and start taking care of yourself." "Everyone has their own things to go through; their world won't revolve around you." "Stop being selfish."

But I've never asked for much. And I think it's valid to stay alive for others if you are having a hard time staying alive for yourself. You do what makes you feel alive. Time will come when you are able to find the reason to stay alive on your own, and if you still can't find it today, it's okay to stay alive for others.

And to those who never stopped loving others despite having a hard time loving themselves, I know some people blame you for never stopping loving others, but let me tell you, you are wonderful. Thank you for never stop loving. Thank you for being there for others even though your love was never reciprocated. I am proud of you, you are so strong, and I hope that time will come when you will find people who will make you feel loved the way you love people. You are worth it, I hope you stay healthy, and I know that it's actually hard to be self-dependent when you've been so strong for others. You matter. And if you were left despite loving, you had nothing to lose. You made a change, and as much as questions won't stop beating you, I hope you appreciate that you've been loving and caring.

Healing will never be linear, sometimes not even time can heal everything, but you are doing great, honey. I love you and stay alive. You made a beautiful impact on the lives of others, and it will always matter.

It gets better, even if you think it will never be.

[dummci]

Maybe in order to avoid heartbreak, we must avoid people.

[dummci]

too good to be true.

I’d never thought I would write this all of a sudden. Out of all the things that occurred to me for the past weeks, this is what I didn’t see coming. How did we actually end up here? Does it end up here?

First and foremost, the company that I never expected to enjoy actually came from someone I met online. Funny how I barely use that website, and my first match was you. I was there to kill time, just there to randomly talk to people then disconnect right after. But matching with you, it wasn’t something that just happened. It was meant to be something. Something I didn’t think would happen. We talked for days on telegram. To my surprise, you would actually be the kind of person I would like to speak to. You made me laugh, literally. You sang me songs, you listened to my stories, and you shared your stories too. You tell me what happened with your day, and it felt like I can feel you even when we were only talking online.

Days passed, we became friends on Facebook. Not gonna lie; I am already hesitant that time. I thought you would no longer want to talk to me, but you did. You actually did. The talking continued. As days pass by, you came to the point where you barely reply, and it was fine. It made me understand that you had many priorities look through, and I am merely a person you can talk to when you are free.

We disconnected for a while. But sometimes, you would message me randomly just to ask how I’ve been, and we’d talk about our day. 

July came. It was different. This time you talked to me often again. We would video call each other and just kill time and talk about random things. I am happy with that. You made me the happiest despite what’s going on around me. 

I became in denial of my feelings due to the fear that I might lose you. I didn’t wanna lose you. I wanted you to be there, to talk to me, and what I felt never mattered. You see, we have a 6-year gap, and even if it’s not evident between conversations, I’ve always thought that one reason maybe you won’t like me is because I am younger compared to girls you’d actually date. I persuaded myself that I should just drop the feelings off and be comfortable enough with what we actually have.

You became my safe haven. My secrets felt so safe with you. You were a shoulder to cry on, and most importantly, you understood what was going on. Even if sometimes I can’t find words to describe what I actually feel, it felt better because you were there to listen. It was more than enough to keep me going. 

That’s how it was, until for the past three days. Everything turned around. I didn’t know what to feel. We didn’t know what to feel. For a question, why did we both became in denial of the things that are already obvious? We didn’t know ‘til we felt jealousy. 

I didn’t regret telling you the truth. I’d be at fault for not telling you the truth. The moment we told each other the truth, it’s when we actually got the answers we turned a blind eye into for so long.

Last night, you said it. The words I’ve been waiting for so long, you’ve said it. You liked me. You had the feeling that I doubted you’ll have. But it didn’t go the way how it should be. You didn’t wanna risk things, and there I was, all caught up and confused. Such statements are contradicting. You said you had the feelings but chose not to pursue them. You wanted to keep me around, but things won’t go anymore the same as how they were before. I don’t know. Our conversation ended that way. I didn’t know where this will be going. Cause one thing that I am so sure of is that I never want to lose you despite the label we’ll both have.

Such questions too. “Can you tell me if it was worth the try, so I could decide” Ben&Ben said. Why not give it a try? Is it not enough to give it a try? What keeps you from trying? Why not set yourself free from all of the thoughts that have been haunting you for the past years. Free yourself, make it up to yourself. 

And despite things going chaotic, I always wish you good for yourself. I want you to heal about the things you choose not to talk to and just cry it out every night before sleep. I hope your pillows give you enough comfort to get you through the day. It may not seem like it because you laugh a lot on the outside, but I hope your frustrations would soon be answered. You deserve all of the good things you do. I’ll be the happiest to see you happy. 

Funny how you might think that I am exaggerating because of what I’ve said, but no. These were all of my thoughts. These thoughts are what’s keeping me up awake every night ‘til morning. And I believe, saying all of these would actually ease everything.

There’s this quote that I always tell everyone. “May you find someone who speaks your language so you don’t spend a lifetime translating your soul.” Thank you for speaking my language. My messed up language and I hope too, you may find someone who does speak your language.

Thank you for everything. I might always be redundant but thank you for staying and for keeping me sane. Thank you for listening. Thank you for the songs. Thank you for the stories. Thank you for the dinosaurs, hahaha. Thank you. Thank you for making it a bit easier to get through the night. Thank you for making me feel like you were beside me when all my friends chose to ignore me. Thank you for existing. Thank you so much.

I hope you stay alive. I hope you get what you desire, and I hope you set yourself free. Take risks despite frustrations. I am always here. I’m always by your side. See you when I see you. 

You are not just a random person I’ve met on the internet. You are everything. 

[dummci]

A letter to my never-ending story.

Hello! I don't know how to start this letter or what I say as a starter, but I want to write this to release all of my thoughts already. I don't know where to start, but I hope I will find the right words as I write this. 

I remember when we were in grade 9, the first time I saw you was around February 2017. A classmate of yours recommended you to sing for the valentine's event, so you went to our classroom, and of a sudden, I noticed you already, you were a transferee, and you caught my attention. I liked you because you were always smiling. You were shy to perform, and I even forced you, but you really didn't bother to join. 

Then grade 10 came; you were my classmate. I noticed how bright you were with your friends. Time passed by, we became close because you live right next to my house or at least a few steps away from mine. We were neighbors, classmates, and eventually, we became friends. We go to school together to save up money from the transpo fee, we walk our way home together, and as time passed, we built a group together with our fellow classmates. You were very ideal. You stay next to the road when we are walking, you asked me on a date even if it was only going to the market. You'd rather walk our way home than ride a tricycle because u cherished the walking and even staying in the park just for us to talk. It never mattered what time it is. You were always there. You were always free. 

Senior high school is approaching, and we dreamt of studying at the same school. Eventually, we could make it to that school, leaving us the only member of the group to study there. You always pick me up whenever it's our break, lunch, or even when we have the same dismissal. You never missed a day, only when something important comes. You were one message away, and you were the only one I had when I was at my worst. You made me feel loved, and you made me love you even more. 

I had to accept that time that you'll never like me the way I liked you. Our friends shipped us, your classmates, my classmates, our teachers. It was nice to be shipped by them because I feel like we are really going onto something. I tried not to keep my hopes up because u constantly tell me that you don't do friends, you will never like a friend of yours. So I stayed on my line, and I was able to accept that we will always be friends, but I am not regretful for it because you never left. 

Grade 12, we may have faded away due to your priorities, we no longer eat together, you don't pick me up during breaks and we barely had the chance to go out anymore. And I tried to understand because this time, you actually have your priorities. You were the most passionate person I've ever met. You pursued photojournalism, you got high honors, and you are working at the same time. I am so proud, and I cried a lot when you won 1st place in DSPC. It felt like my success too. Little do I know that you were already losing your passion in everything that you do by that time. 

We barely talked, but I still feel you. I still feel connected to you. You never failed to make me feel like I am not alone in the journey that I am going through despite going through my darkest nights. I love you, I love you so much.

We are always present at each other's birthdays. Our birthdays would never be complete when one of us is not present. Whenever we celebrate my birthday, you are always present together with my family. My family knows you. They like you. My mom liked you for me. It felt like I am always complete whenever you are there. I'll never forget the day when I turned 18. Every moment that we had together that night was so vivid up to this day. The way you danced me under the street light as I played a song. We hugged it all out while talking. It was perfect. You gave me a music box, and the song was "you are my sunshine." Up to this day, I still think that that will always be my favorite birthday because you made it a perfect one. That night I tried to ask you, "did u ever like me? like romantically like?" in my surprise, you said you did, but you never bothered to tell me.

I was the happiest to have you around. I was the happiest cause despite not having many friends, you were everything, and that is more than enough for me. You stayed when no one bothered to. You noticed when no one did. You complimented me in everything I do. You cheered for me, you made me laugh, you made me cry, and you made me feel almost every emotion that I've ever had. 

I considered you my best friend. Without a doubt, you are my favorite person. When someone asked me who is my favorite person, without hesitating, I'll answer your name. I was always proud to have you. I tell you in every people that I meet because you are worthy of being recognized.

You were so lowkey. You were so ideal. You were so passionate, and you never failed to love despite what you are going through. I am sorry if the world became so cruel to you that you don't feel like living anymore. I am sorry if you lost your passion for the things that you used to love. I'm sorry if at times you feel so lost, but you don't know what to do. I am sorry. I'm sorry.

I witnessed how your world grew as we grow together. It was from the time that I always had you to the time when you can no longer respond to me. I don't know where it went wrong that it came to this point that I can no longer connect with you. It's starting to feel like you are slowly fading away from me, and I don't know why you are already shutting your doors. I am still waiting for your answer. Despite it being the most challenging time for me, I always try to understand that maybe, you need your own time. Or maybe your world is getting bigger that I must be used to the fact that what we had before will never be the same as what we have now.

I am your biggest fan since day 1. I will always love you even when you don't feel lovely. I will always catch you when you feel like falling. I will always be here. I am always here. Please never lose your hope to live this life because you deserve all of the greatest things that the world has to offer. 

The hardest person to lose will always be you.

I don't know if I should already let go of the things that I am holding onto. I don't know if I am just too blind to not notice that everything is fading away. We are fading away. Those memories are only part of our past, and we must grow apart already and start our lives the way how we want them to. I don't even know how do I end this because I don't wanna end what we both have.

I love you so much, my never-ending story. Indeed, friendships are the hardest to lose more than everything. Especially you.

[dummci]

The constant lost feeling.

Ever had that day in your life wherein you feel precisely lost, and you feel like you have nowhere to go? Have a lot of questions about life that you cannot find the answers to? It’s the constant lost feeling like you don’t know when you will be ever seen. 

Sometimes, I wonder, “when will I ever get myself out of this phase?” cause it’s been there since the moment I started feeling like I won’t be able to make it. I don’t know where is my life going, where am I going? What will happen in the so-called future that we all look forward to? When is the future that we consider? Will it ever happen once I graduated college? Or when I passed the boards? Got the job I dreamt of since I was a child? Be able to have my own family? Or be already an adult who’s in the age of 65 and wonder whether I lived a productive life or I’ll have my regrets for not taking the risks that I wanted to. Then I get to question again, “will I even get myself out of this phase?” “will this lost feeling be there in this so-called future?” And what bothers me the most is that I’ll never know ‘til I have to get myself there. 

When will I ever find out whether I’ll get myself out of this phase of lost feeling, or will it always be constant?