easternphoebe-bee - Tumblr blog

[easternphoebe-bee]

"I don't want to think about it now," one of my closest friends once told me. "I'll think about what I can do once I'm already in that situation," she even added.

Before we got into this conversation, I was ranting about my life. And why are things not happening the way I want them to? As if the universe is against what I want. These past few months have quite stressed me out, and I don't have anyone to tell these things to. Because, honestly, I never wanted to bother anyone. I am just a typical person who keeps things to herself. Especially if it's too personal for me to share.

Earlier, while I was traveling to work, this conversation struck me once again. And I just remembered that I also said that before to someone I know. I used to think that way. I used to tell other people the same phrase every time they asked me what I would do if I were in a certain situation. And you see, I used to not overthink too much. Yes, I am an overthinker, but not to the point that I am experiencing now. I just thought that my overthinking got the best of me. I'm on the verge of quitting everything that I'm passionate about. In short, I was so close to giving up and stopping everything that makes my heart feel alive. I haven't felt so genuine in a while, as if everything I wrote was nothing but mere words that have no meaning at all. Something I don't really feel like writing about. I stopped having a long conversation with anyone. I stopped listening to what they really had to say. And just think, think, and think until it's time for me to go to sleep.

But then I remembered who I was before. I remembered that girl who doesn't easily give up on things just because she's stressed out. I remembered that girl who loved to lift people up with her words. I remembered someone who would not let anyone stop her from achieving what she wanted. I remembered who I was. I remembered myself saying, "Let's see what I will do if I'm in that situation." Even if I am not sure what I can exactly do when that moment comes, even if I'm not sure if I'm still alive to witness that, I remembered how hopeful I was. And I remembered how much faith I have that things will always work out. And even if they don't, it just means that it wasn't meant for me at all.

I just want to tell you that sometimes you have to remind yourself of the old you—the you who have lived and survived in the past—just to get you where you are right now. And remember that if you don't like where you are right now, you still have a chance to do something that might change where you're going. It might be a tough road to walk on. But the most important thing is that you've done something. You've never abandoned yourself and just given up on what you really want to do.

Hello, I'm just dropping by // ma.c.a

[easternphoebe-bee]

Liv Tyler, 1995 | © Lara Rossignol

[easternphoebe-bee]

When it’s genuine:

people say it’s hard to accept genuine love after a life time of bad relationships and tumultuous relationships that in your broken mind equal love. But that doesn’t even begin to encapsulate how hard it genuinely is to accept someone that loves you for all that you are. Nobody tells you how hard it is to not say sorry every time you express yourself. Nobody tells you how hard it is not say sorry every time you cry. Nobody tells you how hard it is to be with a person who treats you gently and delicately. Nobody tells you how hard it is after a lifetime of chaos equaling love that it is to accept the love that equals patience and kindness and caring and goodness and consistency. The consistency part is the hardest part to swallow. How do I tolerate consistency when all my life inconsistency and tumultuous relationships have equaled love.

how do I show up and be present for something that doesn’t equate to chaos? Chaos is the only thing that has ever equaled love. And I am the only chaotic factor in this love. He loves me through my chaotic mess through my craziness through my everything , and he doesn’t look at me with any different eyes anytime he reaches a new layer of who I am and I know people say it’s hard to learn how to deal with that but I never knew how hard it was actually going to be. I thought that when I found it, it would be an easy thing to tolerate, an easy thing to appreciate, an easy thing to accept. But it is the exact opposite. every time he has a chance to prove his love for me, he succeeds. every time I have a big emotion and I can’t express it tequila helps bring the words to my lips. And through my tipsy, stupor and word vomit he still looks at me like a princess, like a person who is deserving of kindness, like a person, deserving of love and consistency and everything he’s giving me. I don’t know how to deal with what him and I are building. or how to stomach this, or how to accept us or how to regulate the big emotions he brings about. I am used to expressing myself equating to a fight, a knockdown drag out fight. And with him all that expressing myself equals is reassurance and kindness, and grace, and further consistency. And I am so fucking grateful for his eyes to meet mine and for his hands to touch my face and his arms to encapsulate my tremor filled body. All I know is that I am more grateful for this man that I ever thought possible.

#poeticrambles #rambling #spokenword

[easternphoebe-bee]

"Why do you like thunderstorms?"

"Because it shows that even nature needs to scream sometimes".

~E.D.

[easternphoebe-bee]

[easternphoebe-bee]

desire:

it’s not that I need you

its that you’re a intrinsically beautiful

added layer of bliss in my world

Its not that I need you

but I do love that you’re here

Its not that I need you

but your presence does feel like a gift

I want to live life with you in arms reach

for when my skin brushes yours I am

overwhelmed with a sense of peace

I do not fill with butterflies or flushed cheeks

rather it’s the opposite

a warm sense of feeling at home washes over me

the authenticity in our chemistry

is something that I can feel, bone deep

Its not that I need you it’s that everything about us seems to fall so perfectly into place

[easternphoebe-bee]

I will not sensationalise or glamorise the struggles of this year. Though this was a year of many accomplishments and accolades, each joy came with a painstaking stage of patience. When grief struck, it stayed much much longer than it was meant to. Sadness made a permanent place in the heart with no way to escape it. But to embrace it. Fully. Completely. Humbly.

Knowing full well of our vulnerabilities. And then growing through it new phases of recovery. I learnt early on, while I was tinged with failure and everyone I knew doubted if I could redeem myself. That the only victory I needed was to prove to myself that I could better myself. I also learnt that I should notice how everyone changes once you're not relevant to their perception of success and greatness. That this is the exact moment to create your own savior amidst the rubble of self belief that had caught the fire of unfortunate circumstances.

I learnt that life is very different for many people. Some may be striving to have what you take for granted. Your health, your family, the luxury to have spare time and deep conversations. To be able to enjoy that extra cup of coffee and be present in the moment. Some small happinesses that become priceless. And are what truly make life beautiful.

I learnt that we are not defined by failures. Instead we learn so much about ourselves and our enemies through hitting rock bottom. We find our drive and resilience. We seek why we set out this path in the first place and it makes us realise that it is never the end.

I also learnt that loss is inevitable. And when sudden it becomes a pain you carry with you for the rest of your life. But this knowledge humbles you and makes you live each moment fully. It helps you discern what to keep and what to let go. What grudges and hurt to live with and which ones to say goodbye to so that once it's over, all that matters in hindsight are the good memories and peace that came with it.

I learnt that no matter how educated you become there's no cure for ignorance. People can use their insecurities against you. They can try over and over to pull you down. They use their misery to make others miserable. They think that they are all in all of everything and they won't ever be compromised and then blatantly use the lack of their grooming and ill-mannered language, gestures and courtesies to bring others down. There's no place for such people in your personal growth.

I learnt it is important to keep boundaries. And when it may seem like the world is overstepping them, one should consciously step back.

What matters is ones own peace of mind and that comes in knowing that no matter what, if your heart is in the right place, a perfect ending does exist.

[easternphoebe-bee]

you're the heatwave creeping

through the cracks of January asphalt,

making every season smell of spring;

citrus zest resting on juniper.

peel off my languished layers

so I can pour you as gin decanted,

strong and neat.

so I can taste you undiluted

and hear you drowning out

the sound of backseat stereos

in parking lots downshifted.

-Black Top Botanicals-

BL 2022

[easternphoebe-bee]

Ryan Dyar

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Friedrich Albin Koko-Micoletzky (1887 - 1981) - Winter Landscape. Oil on canvas.

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SIBYLLE PERETTI.jpg

[easternphoebe-bee]

Maybe it will work out , maybe it won't. But you'll never know if you don't try. Take the risk , it's worth it.

[easternphoebe-bee]

Patti Smith | ph. Bruce Weber

© Bruce Weber

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2022-06-14 21.45.04.jpeg

[easternphoebe-bee]

edwardian postcard by adolf hering // takato yamamoto // postcard from the 1890s // gustav klimt // egon schiele // takato yamamoto // alphonse legros // ana sanchez // angela carter “the lady of the house of love”

[easternphoebe-bee]

“I understood myself only after I destroyed myself. And only in the process of fixing myself did I know who I really was.”

— Sade Andria Zabala (via meineluft)