edamame-saladd

[edamame-saladd]

It’s been five months of dissociation, desperate tries of gaining back control and the horrors of losing it again. My life is falling apart and I think I’m a way that’s a good thing, because out of these ashes a new bird will be born. But now, more than ever, do I need the control over my body! The shame I feel paralyzes me so hard.

I’m scared all the time, cortisol skyrocketing.

I can’t answer my hard questions yet so I must at least provide that safety, so I can relax and be prepared for whatever comes.

Yes I want to get away

[edamame-saladd]

But how do I apply this to everyday life, when I’m frequently abandoned to bad vibes, expectations, responsibilities and depression?

So it seems like living my best life abroad had me losing weight after all, let’s recap:

walked about 15-20.000 steps every day

eat when hungry: one full meal/day (ideally high in quality and fully payed by a handsome stranger) otherwise snacks (female metabolic rhythm)

feel effortlessly beautiful, cute, elegant and sexy in every outfit every day

focus on making a good day and enjoy being alive

don’t hold back with sharing unconditional love

don’t procrastinate and keep a clean surrounding

run around and dance if you feel like it

stretches before sleeping

black coffee (and cigarettes?)

romanticize the hell out of EVERYTHING

[edamame-saladd]

Just for future reference: It is the end of march 2024 and I’m not in a good place, spiraling, failing to get back in control, in desperate need to press pause. I can’t press pause. But then again, even though I had opportunities to press pause in the last couple of weeks, I didn’t and willingly let myself spiral. So is it really about the world or just about me. I have to press pause on all destructive coping mechanisms: sugar, binge eating, doom scrolling, binging on series, binging in general. I need to step out and clear it all. It’s so weird, how when your in an ok place, probably even good and start to obsess over how it could be better you end up destroying all your progress and moving backwards. Because it still feels more familiar than no movement at all.

I hope, I really hope in that future place, where I’m doing ok again but feel intrigued to fuck it up or just “let loose” for a moment, I somehow find this here. This is a slap in your face. Don’t do it! For me! You are the reason I might get out of this, the only hope, the only motivation to try real hard.

Feeling at home in my body is so so important. To feel safe. I know, I need to build outside safety, but for now this is all I have. So please just don’t.

From February 17th to March 29th I wasted 6 fucking weeks and now it’s too late and I lost a part of myself forever.

Six weeks from now I’ll either look back and think: why didn’t I get it together then, I still had time (just how I now think about 3 weeks ago)

Or I can think: Thank god, no thank you for snapping out of this one. Look where we are now, everything’s going to be fine after all!

[edamame-saladd]

If I only had money, I might actually just do that. I’m already saving and pray for my way into a remote or somewhat flexible job.

I want to solo travel for months and come back at my ugw

[edamame-saladd]

Just for future reference: It is the end of march 2024 and I’m not in a good place, spiraling, failing to get back in control, in desperate need to press pause. I can’t press pause. But then again, even though I had opportunities to press pause in the last couple of weeks, I didn’t and willingly let myself spiral. So is it really about the world or just about me. I have to press pause on all destructive coping mechanisms: sugar, binge eating, doom scrolling, binging on series, binging in general. I need to step out and clear it all. It’s so weird, how when your in an ok place, probably even good and start to obsess over how it could be better you end up destroying all your progress and moving backwards. Because it still feels more familiar than no movement at all.

I hope, I really hope in that future place, where I’m doing ok again but feel intrigued to fuck it up or just “let loose” for a moment, I somehow find this here. This is a slap in your face. Don’t do it! For me! You are the reason I might get out of this, the only hope, the only motivation to try real hard.

Feeling at home in my body is so so important. To feel safe. I know, I need to build outside safety, but for now this is all I have. So please just don’t.

From February 17th to March 29th I wasted 6 fucking weeks and now it’s too late and I lost a part of myself forever.

Six weeks from now I’ll either look back and think: why didn’t I get it together then, I still had time (just how I now think about 3 weeks ago)

Or I can think: Thank god, no thank you for snapping out of this one. Look where we are now, everything’s going to be fine after all!

[edamame-saladd]

it’s funny how quickly you can get bad again… just let the idiot guy you like tell you about how his ex was anorexic, then let him proceed to show a lot of interest in any other girl but you. et voilà

[edamame-saladd]

Grapefruit!!

🍊+🥚+☕️=✨

[edamame-saladd]

Nobody cares about this but I binged badly. The last two weeks were bad. I’m scared. I don’t know what is happening. It’s like I’m possessed by an evil demon that wants to use me as a vessel for negative energy and the harder I try to fight it, the stronger it strikes back. It’s like an eel slipping through the cracks of my consciousness, making me lose control over my body and mind. I’m scared. I’m all alone with this. Nobody can help me with this. There’s barely any outer structure to hold onto. This will not only hurt tomorrow, but I need to snap out of this, as quickly as possible. I need something to trust upon… water! Fuck I will have to be among people though my face hurts from holding up my recognizable features. But maybe that helps. I need to treat this as a sickness. Ok, I will be ok, I can do this

[edamame-saladd]

Weight is at a 55,8 (that’s a 2,5 gain) 😭 I’ve been less active this year so far and I have to remember that it’s not about eating as little as possible but about moving so much, that eating just enough will make you lose. So next week I will walk to Uni every 👏 single 👏 day 👏 and keep my body active and warm.

I need to be in love again, but all men do is disappoint. 🤠

Stats & Measurements (Feb. 19th 2024)

Bust: 83

Underbust: 73

Waist: 65

Hip: 83

Butt: 95

Height: 163 cm

Weight: - -

I’ll weigh myself in the morning (Tue. Feb. 20th 2024) and then set an alarm to take my measurements & stats again in a week. I might do this weekly now to overcome my fear of weighing myself and to stay on track idk

[edamame-saladd]

I want to get my waist below 60 cm!

Stats & Measurements (Feb. 19th 2024)

Bust: 83

Underbust: 73

Waist: 65

Hip: 83

Butt: 95

Height: 163 cm

Weight: - -

I’ll weigh myself in the morning (Tue. Feb. 20th 2024) and then set an alarm to take my measurements & stats again in a week. I might do this weekly now to overcome my fear of weighing myself and to stay on track idk

[edamame-saladd]

Stats & Measurements (Feb. 19th 2024)

Bust: 83

Underbust: 73

Waist: 65

Hip: 83

Butt: 95

Height: 163 cm

Weight: - -

I’ll weigh myself in the morning (Tue. Feb. 20th 2024) and then set an alarm to take my measurements & stats again in a week. I might do this weekly now to overcome my fear of weighing myself and to stay on track idk

[edamame-saladd]

Low calorie meal inspo

[edamame-saladd]

Ever had those days where you're just like, "What's the point?" It's like this heavy fog settles over everything, and you're stuck in this weird funk, but you can't even pinpoint why. Life feels like this endless series of battles, and lately, it seems like you're losing every single one. Trust? Yeah, good luck with that. Can't trust anyone, can't trust what's coming next, and honestly, can't even trust yourself. It's like you're stuck in this maze of doubt, and there's no clear way out. But hey, it's okay not to have it all figured out. Sometimes, you just gotta ride the wave and hope for smoother seas ahead. Hang tight, buddy. 🌊🌀🌟

[edamame-saladd]

I’m doing chaotically ok atm (for anyone who cares) and if I keep my good habits up I will have a great summer.

Slowly, but steadily and surely.

I am living for love, all love. ❤️

(but I’m also here lol)

[edamame-saladd]

I want to rock this this summer! All the models body goals btw 🫶

[edamame-saladd]

Counting calories and thinking too much about food doesn’t work for me, regular weigh ins neither… I need to be so busy, the days rush by unnoticed.

So what works?

No binging at any cost

No eating in my room

No eating sugar outside of social circumstances

Sticking to safe foods during the week and eating whatever when out dancing on weekends

Moving around enough everyday

Yoga, Meditation, walking

Staying on top of my studies, hyperfocus makes the time go by so fast

One meal a day, coffee/tea time and a brain snack

Sleep when exhausted, not eat

Music and dancing and flowers and the sun and coffee and books and singing and hugs

Lose control regularly, but not with food

Stay in love, always

[edamame-saladd]

Lunchtime ! Turkey lettuce wraps, 5 cal. For the lettuce altogether, and 140 for the turkey altogether, total 145 cal. lunch <3