edgy-username-here

[edgy-username-here]

Im going to college in the fall, and this is bringing up so many new emotions. Like I literally never even considered, I'd be able to go to college, let alone this year.

Im excited to go or whatever, but also in some ways, not so much.

This means my mom gets to act excited about it until anything less than positive happens when she gets to bring up that im leaving her like im doing something wrong by going. Whiplash much.

These good things happening also just make me feel so much more shitty about my lack of education. First off, because i feel like im not smart enough to go to college because i dont have the same education as everyone else, and like I didn't earn it. Also, partly because if, after very evidently not getting the age appropriate education to go to college, im still managing to pass the necessary things to go with some levle of ease- HOW WOULD MY LIFE HAVE LOOKED IF I WAS JUST ALLOWED TO GO TO HIGHSCHOOL LIKE A NORMAL PERSON!?!? Like you're fucking telling me if I would've been so so much farther ahead and smarter and more capable and probably would've taken college classes ALREADY before 18??? I could have even excelled academicly if I was given a goddamn chance?? Good to fucking know. Good to know how much lost time and waited potential I had. Not even just academically but also socially! Because I used to be at a pretty age appropriate social level if not a bit above (with all the so mature for your age shit) and now im just so fucking not. And i can't even blame myself for this because it was not my choice. I did not want this. I wanted to go to school and tryed to find compromises on doing so for years, I was even willing to live with my fucking DAD if it ment i could go. But now im so ruined that the idea of all of this is scary and feels like a betrayal to my family somehow. I have to hear about how my sister won't understand why im leaving and how things will be without me here (even though im literally only going 20 minutes away). It sounds sick in the head, but some of this just sparks like oddly suicidal thoughts? Even though that's really stupid , I'd never do anything like that, lately ive gotten the closest I've ever been to enacting a real plan to off myself, which is so stupid. I dont know why im so stressed out. I have shit to do tomorrow. I've been clean for too long. i need to cut it so it'll fix my brain for a bit.

[edgy-username-here]

Might fuck around and crash out again idk. Never posted anything about my last crash out here cause I was too lazy to log in when I was in the middle of sobbing uncontrollably for hours ✨️

[edgy-username-here]

Uhh im back on here i guess. Its been a time.

[edgy-username-here]

Newsflash. This didn't happen. They still haven't faded to white MOUNTHS later. Soo fml lmao its been litterly like 5 months what the shit

God please let my scars on my thighs fade quickly and nicely im getting a thigh tat for my birthday 😭😭😭🙏🙏🙏

[edgy-username-here]

Hey! Kinda important question/post

Okay, so I've been admittedly putting off making this post for some time now, but I need advice.

So, for context, I made the mistake or bad decision, or however you wanna slice it (pun intended) of cutting on my thigh one night, some time ago now. I haven't sh'd on my thighs in probably around half a decade now, and for the past years have been doing so on my hips.

I hoped they would heal and fade rather quickly, and while they are healed, I've come to the realization that they likely won't fade soon. Or at least, not as soon as I need them to.

You see, for my birthday (🎉) im going to get a tattoo, and I'm worried that in the process of getting said tattoo (despite the scars not being where I want it placed,) they will be visible. While I don't care if a tattoo artist sees these scars, I do care if my mom (who is taking me) sees them. Things would likely not go over well if she did, given MUCH past history and just knowing her (no shade to her, though. Love my mom)

So what i suppose I'm asking is this: does anyone have any tips on covering scars, via makup, clothes (that are applicable in this situation), information on how tattoo sessions work (and if it would be odd for me to ask her not to be present), and finally any advice on how I should/could go about handling her finding out about said scars?

Any and all input would be appreciated, I apologize for such a long post, and if you have any questions or clarifications you would like me to awncer/address please feel free to throw them out there and I'll awncer to the best of my abilities. (Even willing to dm a photo of said scaring if needed, but I'm not putting that on my blog.) I know this is my own problem that I got myself into, and regardless I'll figure something out or just bite the bullet and face the consequences, as is life lol but anyways thank you so much for reading<33

[edgy-username-here]

God please let my scars on my thighs fade quickly and nicely im getting a thigh tat for my birthday 😭😭😭🙏🙏🙏

[edgy-username-here]

Getting reminded about how my mom feels about sh is weird. Today, she said she was annoyed about how two marks on her arm (from getting burned on 2 separate occasions, accidentally) weren't all the way faded yet, because they looked intentional (i pointed this out to her awhile back and she laughed and agreed) and she didn't want anyone to "judge her" to which I said that the only peaple who would are dicks anyways for judging someone for that, only for her to clarify that she ment if they assumed it was Sh at all she would take offence. Because she thinks Sh is awful and literally thinks sh scars specifically are disgusting (she's said this on multiple occasions lol)

[edgy-username-here]

I've said it before and I'll say it again, i believe the entire reason that my shaveing razors have never even so much as accidentally nicked me despite dry shaving everytime, is that they know what has happened to the razors before them, they fear being dismembered and bloodied like their brotheren.

[edgy-username-here]

Rip my thin fucking ass walls oml I need to take a shower but it's 1am and I don't wanna be wakeing up anyone to get litterly yelled at for showering this late 😩 i got away with it last time but I'm rushing so bad, like it ain't even that I'm all that freaked about getting told off but more so that part of me is parrinoid about worst case situations where my scars get shown cause obviously they are just out in the shower and I can't do anything for that

[edgy-username-here]

Not sure if I want the healing cuts on my thigh to scar or not- like usually I would but also then I'll have to deal with the 😰repercussions😰

[edgy-username-here]

who up hating pop psychology

[edgy-username-here]

I can't escape myself

[edgy-username-here]

It's too late now I'm cooked or whatever the kids say nowadays I'm actually shaking so bads

[edgy-username-here]

Welp I'm i think what one might call,, fucked

[edgy-username-here]

Litterly so close to hitting fuck-it and cutting on my thighs. I don't wanna get found out and sent away. I don't. But honestly so little feels like it matters anymore. It'll be cold for awhile. I can hide it for awhile. I hate this i hate this so much I just want to feel at peace and in control for a few fucking please why does that have to come with such a horrible consequence. Why does that have to make everyone angry. I don't wanna make everyone angry. I just want to feel okay and to have a easy time doing it that doesn't also fucking exhaust me.

[edgy-username-here]

Yippe menty b time

[edgy-username-here]

Had a weird moment of clarity last night. About like my mental health or whatever. About sh majority. I wanted to fully stop this bullshit and commit to that. No part of me wanted to keep doing this. In that moment. But I also was acutely aware that this feeling wouldn't last, be it a month or- fuck I could and did wake up the next day and feel the total opposite, because apparently wanting to destroy myself is my fucking baseline. And I mean that's not new information or anything. I knew that at the time as well, and it sucks. But it's just how I am. And now I jinxed myself cause I'd pretty easily been clean for a second- but now I want to sh more than I have in a while. Not that my goal was to be clean, it's just it's not always feezable to cut every night (plus life events that happened and made me stop for awhile so I got out of the habbit) i thought for a moment, foolishly, that I'd get better. I knew in the moment i wouldn't feel like that for long, but i still hoped that it wouldn't be so soon. But it is, and suddenly I can not find it in myself to care about things like staying clean, in fact quite the opposite. This is familiar, and I am not scared of this feeling, but the fact it has become so commonplace for me does, somewhere inside of me, unsettle me.

I don't quite know why I'm like this. But again, I'm not sure I care.