edo-vivendum

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My dogs kept me company. Eventually S came back and checked on me and I'm hanging out with him again now. I feel fine when I'm not alone.

My thoughts get big and scary and I want to hurt myself and I have nobody. It's too much for anyone to deal with. And nobody gets it. I feel so alone.

S babysat me for a while but then since I wasn't alone my thoughts subsided. So he left to do his own thing. And now I feel terrible again. Idk if at risk to myself enough to bother him again. I already feel like such a burden to him.

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My thoughts get big and scary and I want to hurt myself and I have nobody. It's too much for anyone to deal with. And nobody gets it. I feel so alone.

S babysat me for a while but then since I wasn't alone my thoughts subsided. So he left to do his own thing. And now I feel terrible again. Idk if at risk to myself enough to bother him again. I already feel like such a burden to him.

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All I want is to eat out for dinner, but my husband says we can't afford it. Such sadness.

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Yesterday I was really anxious that my water had broken cause I had some discharge I hadn't had before. I thought I felt pressure, and I was stressed. My mom and the on call Dr said I should go to the hospital just to get checked. S took me. He didn't sleep well the night before and was struggling with a headache, so he was overwhelmed by the ordeal. But he came. Everything turned out to be fine. Afterwards, he expressed frustration that I didn't go by myself. He said in the future I should go by myself if it's not going to be a real problem, and that he'd show up if there was a problem. He also said any other day he would've come but on that day it was too much. I felt betrayed and alone and like I was a burden. I was completely overwhelmed, struggling with intrusive automatic suicidal and self harm thoughts, though I very much never intended to act on them. He said something about how I always need him and it's too much. I ended up storming out and screaming he should've thought about that before I got pregnant and I slammed the door. I cried in the living room for a while, texting my mom for support and struggling with my thoughts. I expected him to fall asleep. He was exhausted and had already taken his nighttime meds. But after a bit he came out and hugged me and brought me back and we cuddled and he sorta apologized. It felt like a bandaid. It subsided my self harm and suicidal thoughts but I still felt like i was a burden to him.

I woke up today still feeling that way. I took care of the dogs and we ordered breakfast and had breakfast together. He could tell something was wrong and asked me and then gave me some reassurance. It's helpful to hear, but I'm struggling to accept it. After he reassured me, he went on to talk about ICE and deportation and how he was nervous about that. He's a citizen but apparently citizens that look like him have been arrested so he's nervous. And I am too now but that's not what this post is about. I held myself together while we were talking but when he went off to do his own thing I just felt overwhelmed with emotions.

I don't feel up for anything. I laid on the couch and started crying. This is so difficult and the idea that I am making this so overwhelming for him too is hard to sit with. I know logically it's not me making it difficult. It's just a difficult situation. He's stressed, and when he's overwhelmed he places the blame on me. But it's really not me. I laid here crying for a bit and he happened to walk by and he's like "are you crying" and I say I am. He asks what's wrong and I say it's the same thing it just didn't go away. He kneels down next to me and apologizes again, sincerely. He sorta hugs me (I'm laying down so it's a little awkward). He gives me more reassurance, tells me I'm not a burden and I'm worth it and he's sorry and he just gets overwhelmed.

I know that's the truth. He loves me, and he shows me that daily through his actions. This is hard for both of us. I think I'm triggered. I went through so much of my life feeling like I was a burden and now someone else is literally having to take care of me in many ways and for it to be overwhelming for him just reaffirms that I am a burden. I always felt like I'd always be too much for everyone, always. But I'm not. He chose this. He is choosing me. I will contribute where I can and once the baby is born and I am healed I will be an equal partner.

It's just so hard right now. It's hard not blaming myself for it being hard for him too.

I'm not a burden, but everyone has their limits for what they can handle. Just because the person I need support from is exhausted and unable to help, doesn't mean I'm a burden.

I am not a burden.

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I'm not a burden, but everyone has their limits for what they can handle. Just because the person I need support from is exhausted and unable to help, doesn't mean I'm a burden.

I am not a burden.

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He came back after his meeting and saw me crying and immediately hugged me. He asked what was wrong and I told him I felt like a burden, and he immediately apologized. He said he was trying to express his frustration, but that he overstepped and he didn't want me to feel bad. He assured me he wasn't going anywhere.

I still feel like a burden....cause rn I kinda am? I can hardly contribute. He's doing all the chores and handling finances. I'm just... Lounging on the couch. But it's not like it feels good. I feel like a burden. Ik I'm growing our kid, but I can't help but worry. If she doesn't make it, then all of this would be for nothing. I'd have to find another job. I don't think I want to go back to teaching. I don't even know. I'm overwhelmed today.

I had nightmares about my water breaking (I'm at 24 weeks). I wake up and my underwear felt damp so I started freaking out. S thought things were fine but I was also stressing him out so his initial reaction wasnt supportive. I walked away crying and he came back supportive like ten minutes later.

I door dashed breakfast and they sent the wrong sandwich (technically it's right based on the description but the picture didn't match so I don't qualify for money back.) I'm disappointed.

S made a joke about how I need to appreciate him or he'll get a second wife. He's joking, but I already feel like a burden and I can't handle the jokes. I expressed this and he asked me to contribute more and appreciate everything he's doing more. But I feel like I've been drowning him with praise and I don't know what I'm expected to do. (he did give me some ideas).

I feel so emotionally drained and it's only 10am. I haven't even finished breakfast and I'm crying for the second time.

I feel so stressed.

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I had nightmares about my water breaking (I'm at 24 weeks). I wake up and my underwear felt damp so I started freaking out. S thought things were fine but I was also stressing him out so his initial reaction wasnt supportive. I walked away crying and he came back supportive like ten minutes later.

I door dashed breakfast and they sent the wrong sandwich (technically it's right based on the description but the picture didn't match so I don't qualify for money back.) I'm disappointed.

S made a joke about how I need to appreciate him or he'll get a second wife. He's joking, but I already feel like a burden and I can't handle the jokes. I expressed this and he asked me to contribute more and appreciate everything he's doing more. But I feel like I've been drowning him with praise and I don't know what I'm expected to do. (he did give me some ideas).

I feel so emotionally drained and it's only 10am. I haven't even finished breakfast and I'm crying for the second time.

I feel so stressed.

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do you have tips to stay in recovery when you feel yourself relapsing? apart from talking to professionals?

Do you have anyone close to you that is supportive? I know you said apart from talking to professionals, but that's still what I'd recommend. If you're just struggling with thoughts, you should be sure to follow a meal plan and actively challenge the thoughts. If you've started struggling with behaviors, it's better to get professional help now rather than wait for it to get worse.

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Procedure was successful! I made it home last night. I am relieved.

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So now I'm at the hospital. Apparently my cervix is short and so they wanted me to be seen my a specialist right away and potentially receive a procedure. There's high risk of preterm birth. Very anxious cause 22 weeks is wayyy too early. S is calm. He says since they're catching it so early it should be fine. He stayed with me for a bit but went home to take care of the dogs and get some stuff for me. He's coming back, but I hope it's soon.

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Seeing our baby on the ultrasound cheered everyone up. We'll circle back to the finances. But just the fact that there's no longer immense tension is a relief.

S and I got in an argument this morning on our way to my obgyn appointment. He sees me struggling with teaching now and deciding that I won't work off my grant but instead pay if off as a loan. He sees this as a failure on my part to listen to him.

Three years ago he tried to tell me not to be a teacher. I was insistant that it's what I wanted to do. I was passionate. I was sure I'd love it. And I did, for a while. And now I can't manage it. He thinks I should've listened to him to begin with. Says I should've listened to him and now it's going to cost him money. I understand the frustration, but he's not leaving room for me having independent thought. I told him I thought he was supporting me. He said he is, but then he said I'm going to keep paying for stuff until my savings dries up and then keep tabs on what I owe him after that. I asked him if he just wanted me to go back to work and he said I couldn't manage the stress and that I shouldn't. Days ago he was saying he'd pay for stuff and that I should keep my last paycheck and just save my savings.

He might change his mind when he calms down. He often does. But in this moment, I feel stressed. In this moment, he is stressed. He still loves me. He still cares... But he's definitely feeling overwhelmed by the financial burden of taking care of me. And I'm feeling overwhelmed. He's expressed before that he wants me to always have savings so that I never feel like I have to stay with him for logistical reasons.... I doubt his opinion on that has changed, so hopefully when he calms down he'll re-evaluate. I'm second guessing my desicion to apply for FMLA. And what if I don't get it? I don't know. I'm stressed.

But we're about to see our baby on an ultrasound. Maybe that will lighten the mood. I've been excited for this appointment.

[edo-vivendum]

S and I got in an argument this morning on our way to my obgyn appointment. He sees me struggling with teaching now and deciding that I won't work off my grant but instead pay if off as a loan. He sees this as a failure on my part to listen to him.

Three years ago he tried to tell me not to be a teacher. I was insistant that it's what I wanted to do. I was passionate. I was sure I'd love it. And I did, for a while. And now I can't manage it. He thinks I should've listened to him to begin with. Says I should've listened to him and now it's going to cost him money. I understand the frustration, but he's not leaving room for me having independent thought. I told him I thought he was supporting me. He said he is, but then he said I'm going to keep paying for stuff until my savings dries up and then keep tabs on what I owe him after that. I asked him if he just wanted me to go back to work and he said I couldn't manage the stress and that I shouldn't. Days ago he was saying he'd pay for stuff and that I should keep my last paycheck and just save my savings.

He might change his mind when he calms down. He often does. But in this moment, I feel stressed. In this moment, he is stressed. He still loves me. He still cares... But he's definitely feeling overwhelmed by the financial burden of taking care of me. And I'm feeling overwhelmed. He's expressed before that he wants me to always have savings so that I never feel like I have to stay with him for logistical reasons.... I doubt his opinion on that has changed, so hopefully when he calms down he'll re-evaluate. I'm second guessing my desicion to apply for FMLA. And what if I don't get it? I don't know. I'm stressed.

But we're about to see our baby on an ultrasound. Maybe that will lighten the mood. I've been excited for this appointment.

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I... Haven't checked my asks in FOREVER. I have so many. I wish they had dates, cause I don't see the point in responding to something from years ago.

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congratulations!!!! ❤️❤️❤️❤️

Thank you!!!!

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Wednesday night S and I argued before bed. Thursday morning it escalated and I ended up with suicidal thoughts. I called 911. They didn't 1013 me, and my mom ended up picking me up and spending the day with me. (I get these momentary crises that pass with support so I was grateful for support.) S and I made up.

Through talking to my mom, I realized just how much teaching is contributing to my stress. S and I would've never had such an argument if I hadn't been so stressed. I'd been crying myself to sleep at night. I was STRESSED, dreading going to work every day. My mom suggested FMLA time off until the end of the year. This requires S's support, as I only have a few sick days so he'd be financially supporting me. S was on board. I began the FMLA process. I took Friday off. I'm off M-W (hoping I can get FMLA approved by then but if not I'll take the rest of the week off too.) I talked to S about "what if FMLA isn't approved" and he is on board with me quitting earlier��just means we'd lose health insurance and enroll on his plan—not ideal but not a big deal either.

The idea that I don't have to go back to classroom management and apathetic students five grades below grade level is such a relief. I feel so care free. I did chores yesterday I've been putting off for YEARS. S and I got along perfectly. Things feel really good. I'm excited to just relax and take care of the house and prove to S I can be a good stay at home parent (the plan for next year). I'm so excited for Marcia in July and it no longer feels like a marathon to get there.

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Hi, are there any new moms that used Tumblr while pregnant to connect with other future moms? I tried searching tags, but it's all weird kink stuff. I'd love to connect with other woman who will have babies at around the same time as me. Due in July! Please let me know if there are non sexual tags or any blogs you know of.

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I get so happy and proud of people when i see they choose recovery again after relapsing.. like im so proud of you buddy and i hope good things happen to you