egj2004

[egj2004]

One Last Night

I stood there in front of his house again, our friends had gathered around, mostly in tears and hugging Nick goodbye. Others had raised a beer or glass of wine to him in congratulations to his new job, that just so happened to be across the country. It felt like we were back on the day we met; dozens of people in his parents’ house or on his lawn, some of them tipsy, with music blasting. Tomorrow would be the day Nick left for New York City to start working on Broadway as an actor, something he had been working towards for years. I knew today was the last day I had to tell him how I felt, or else I’d regret it for the rest of my life. It was a terrible decision, professing your love to someone the day before you’re nearly three thousand miles apart, them living their dream while you’re still stuck in your hometown at a boring desk job, crunching number after number.

            I stayed and sat around with some friends, drinking a few glasses of wine for some liquid courage, and waited until everyone else left so I could have a moment alone with him. My stomach felt tight with every minute the past, and every person that drove away or called a cab home. Even as my friends got up and said their goodbyes, I felt less and less comfort and confidence in my actions. Even with the alcohol in my system, I unconsciously tried to convince myself not to do this, not to potentially ruin one of my closest friendships right before we were separated. My thoughts only started racing more once I was called to the back of the house for a campfire with the remaining people, including Nick who placed his camping chair next to mine.

Thoughts about the “what ifs”, every scenario and every reaction that could take place ran through my head. I bet on him rejecting me, calling me an idiot for confessing this late in the game and that it was too late. I pictured his angry face like I had just kicked his dog, or the way he’d laugh as I drunkenly rambled my feelings to him. That reminded me to slow down on my alcohol consumption, I didn’t want to be blackout drunk and not remember everything the next day. 

“Hey, Sabrina, are you alright?” Nick’s hand touching my shoulder snapped me out of my daze. “You’ve been unusually quiet tonight.” 

“Sorry, just pretty stressed at my job right now.” I lied through my teeth. 

“Sorry. Are you still applying at other places right now?” 

“I haven’t gotten any responses on my internship applications. I was told I’d get so many before I graduated college, but- “my voice trailed off. 

“Sometimes it just doesn’t happen right away. You’ll get it soon. Hell, maybe you’ll end up in New York with me.” My heart fluttered at that sentence. My stomach flipped with butterflies in it, and I felt sweaty suddenly. That would be a dream come true, getting to get out of my hometown and move to a big city to start my career with one of my best friends. 

The conversation trailed off elsewhere as the moon rose higher, and the sun finally set. One by one each of our friends finally left as we stopped stoking the fire and slowly let it die out. One of my friends, Arianna, gave me a suggestive glance with a wink as she said her goodbyes to Nick and me, and we were finally left alone. 

“So,” Nick said as Arianna left the backyard. “I guess this is it.” 

“I guess it is.” An awkward silence had filled the space for a few moments. “Nick, I have something to talk to you about.” 

“You know you can talk to me about anything, Sabrina.” 

I sipped my half-finished wine glass that I hadn’t touched in a while before speaking. “I know it’s terrible timing and you’re leaving tomorrow, but I need to get this off my chest before I regret it. I’ve had feelings for you, for a long time, and I would hate to let you go off to New York and not know. And maybe a part of me hopes you feel the same- “ 

“I need to stop you right there Sabrina.” Nick cut me off, a frown on his face. 

“Nick, what do you mean?” My stomach tightened; I felt the food I had eaten wanting to rise my throat.  

“I’m sorry, Sabrina. You’re one of my closest friends, and I don’t want to ruin that. I’m sorry, but I don’t feel the same way.” 

With that, my heartbeat sped up, and my chest felt tight. I tried to stop the tears in my eyes, the only thought running through my head being “this is nothing like any of my romance movies”. 

“Hey, don’t cry.” Nick reached a hand out to me. “Sabrina, I care about you a lot. But I always saw you as a friend, or sister to me. It doesn’t help that I’m going across the country tomorrow, and I have no idea when I’ll be back.” 

“I know, I’m sorry this was stupid.” I stood up and wiped my eyes. “I need to go home.”

“Can I call you a cab? Or give you a ride?” Nick got up as well. 

“No. I’ll do it myself.” I pulled out my phone as I packed up my camping chair. “I just need to be alone tonight. Good luck in New York, call me when you get settled in.” 

Before Nick could speak, I borderline sprinted to the front of the house and called a taxi to his house. As I sat in the car, tears silently streamed down my face, but no sobs had left my body. The driver never spoke to me except for asking about my address, but he clearly noticed. When I got back to my apartment, I had a few missed calls from Nick and a few of our friends, but I didn’t listen to any of the voicemails. I shut my phone and laid down in my bed, and felt like an idiot for what I had just done.