eideticly-strange-one

[eideticly-strange-one]

Sudden Onset of *~Emptiness~*

Trigger Warning for post: Disassociation, Psychedelic Experiences, Sudden Tripping, Bad Psychedelic Experience, Extreme Pain, Partial Dislocations, Ego Death, Hallucinations, Forced Psychedelic Experience (by a product, not a person), Situationally Forced Trip Sitting, Alternate Personalities, Personality Switching, Cysts, Ganglion Cysts, Cysts In Joints

So last night I started making a post about how fun it was to feel my hips slowly be pushed out of joint by some mean old ganglion cysts, but I ended up going on an unexpected psychedelic trip before I finished the first sentence 🫠 Post below the cut.

Last night the cysts in my hips started swelling, right as I got incredibly powerful muscle spasms in my pelvis, lower torso, and thighs. In other words I was headin’ right for Dislocation Central via a runway train that was on fuckin’ fire 🔥

I tried to tough it out. Took some Kratom. Took some of my other meds. But then my feet started Charlie Horsin’, which caused the muscles from the tips of my toes to my hip joints to lock up. This was bad, as I needed to try and stand to maybe help force my hips back in. (Spoiler alert: I was not able to stand).

Eventually I gave up, caving and taking an edible that was meant for my train ride across the country next month. Even though it was 500mg Delta 9 insanity, I had taken it three times prior to this and been completely functional, if albeit stoned, but never stoned out of my gourd though. Last night, I couldn’t have found my gourd if I’d had all eternity to do so and a LoJack on it.

The edible kicked in. At first it loosened things up a bit. Then I started to care less and less about my pain. Then my muscles finally relaxed fully and I breathed a sigh of relief as my pain began to diminish. Pain became a thing of the past shortly after that, but then so did all sensation in my body! I couldn’t even feel myself BREATHE and was convinced at times that I wasn’t.

Then I started to trip.

I’m not sure about the when’s, but eventually I experienced Ego Death. Which meant my concept of self was completely destroyed. I was no longer me. I was the room I existed in and nothing beyond, as that room was the only thing in existence, sans my fiancé. And it felt as if it had always been this way. Time dilation became so intense that eventually time itself ceased to exist. No now, no before, no after.

I experienced the cold, crushing, reality of an empty universe. The nothingness consumed me. The only thing I could feel was the brains most primal function of emotion. And the particular ancient sensation I was being suffocated with was fear.

I was vaguely aware of my mouth moving, of telling my fiancé over and over that I wasn’t real, that my soul had died, that I didn’t exist. But I wasn’t concerned about that, about this ‘me’, as I did not exist. So my brain became separated into two. The part that could only exist through the sensation of emotion, and the other part, that was releasing cries of ‘I’m not real!’ in between bouts of sobbing.

I know I experienced ego death, but for as to the reason why, my fiancé and I believe I was trying to switch to one of my characters, as I had been quickly becoming overwhelmed, but because I haven’t been able to fully enter my mind palace or use a character since I started Celexa, we think I got switch blue balled.

I was somewhere else, but unable to enter my mind palace, and no one was able to take over for me.

This lasted for hours.

I don’t remember how it ended. Just knew my fiancé was there, holding me, reminding me that I was real, that I existed, and taking care of me as we both suffered for the duration of my unexpected and bad trip. He did an excellent job of guiding me through that harrowing experience, especially without prior knowledge about how to, or any prep time to learn how to do so either. I know that I am not the only one who had a traumatic experience last night. It was very hard on him as well. If you’ve ever been a trip sitter, you know.

Then I woke up today, saw that I had been writing something in a tumblr post where the words stopped mid first sentence, and decided to make this post. I tried to do this previously, with the original text of what I had been writing at the top, but I accidentally exited the post while looking for a Trademark symbol (found it btw: ™). Tumblr said it saved it as a draft, but it did not. So here’s round two!

I’m still feeling the after effects of tripping. Music is… better and more intense… I also feel kinda like I’m very high but sober and also still sorta like I’m not really here. My fiancé and I are going to take this opportunity however to do some shadow work. Get our Jung on. The two weeks proceeding a trip are critical for the potential psychic growth the experience offers. I’ll be a good little Stoic student and turn my obstacle into a path, taking this EXTREME L and turning it into an eventual win.

Anyways, Shabbat Shalom to all who celebrate. Startin’ this Shabbat off interesting, to say the least.

[eideticly-strange-one]

Welcome to my bizarre corner of the internet!

Think of this as my Card (or however you spell it)

List of Trigger Warnings Below The Cut! PLEASE DO NOT SKIP!!!

This blog and this post will contain the following triggers:

Child Abuse, Domestic Abuse, Forced Starvation, Discussions of Mental Health, Extreme Chronic Pain, Cults, SA, Attempted Murder, DID-esque Things, Disassociation. More to be added as I think of them…

I’ve made this blog to chronicle my weird ass journey through my somehow even weirder ass brain. 🧠

About me:

General Shit

I’m an adult 👨‍🌾

I’m a spoonie 🥄

(In my case that means I have Fibromyalgia, Arthritis, every single joint of mine has a ganglion cyst pushin’ it apart 👌, possible MS but I’m too poor to test for it (MRI’s are expensive!), Diabetic af 🍭, and other things probably but I can’t think well atm 😵‍💫)

Cult Survivor

Domestic Abuse Survivor

Child Abuse Survivor

SA Survivor

Engaged Gay Guy 👨‍❤️‍💋‍👨 (eyyyy that’s a nice one :D I’m not all horrific!)

Lucid Dreamer. In my dreams, you control Dream. Not other way around. I started doing this for sure at age four.

BRAIN STUFF!!

Complex PTSD

OCD (but not your stereotypical type. Nope 🙂‍↔️ instead of cleaning like crazy 🙄 I can’t clean sometimes because I’m convinced my dog or fiancé will die if I do! So my trash becomes precious in the sense it’s keeping my loved ones alive. Fun!) (Also I’m a chronic skin picker! Check out my scabs 😏)

Horrific ADHD! It’s so fun to have a vast and useless knowledge of randomness but if you asked me to tell ya what I did five minutes ago I wouldn’t be able to, even if you had a gun to my head 😬 (Forgetting what you are saying as you’re saying it squad STAND UP!) And my time blindness is insane…

Maladaptive Daydreaming. (Say hello to my fake scenarios! … oh… they don’t actually care that you said hi… sorry…)

Hyperphantasia… I used to think everyone was like this. Turns out nope! Ever imagine, in horrifying detail, what it would be like to be stabbed and then you get stabbed and it feels the same? No? Oh… lol yeah me neither 😳

Eidetic Imagery. This one is so fun when you have horrific traumas to fondly look back on against your will 🙂 Plus side I impressed my art teacher by drawing an apple from memory and it was better than my attempt at copying from life (it’s easier when you can hold the apple in your imaginary hand to get better angles ^_^

Generalized Anxiety disorder! I’m generally anxious! About what? You tell me, man, you tell me…

Severe Social Anxiety Disorder! I’ve had this since before I can remember (my memory starts at my first birthday party, so that’s pretty cool of me 😎)

Atypical Panic Attacks! Since waaaaaaay before my traumas I’d just be sittin’ somewhere doin’ something I like and then BAM! Incredible amounts of adrenaline start surging through my system! For no reason! This one took my first psychiatrist a while to accept. He was convinced I was doing or thinking something that triggered me but nope! It’s just random. Like my dumb ass 😁

Dyscalculia! I read numbers backwards! Do math backwards! I cannot judge distance to save my life! Reading one of those round clock things is impossible! I cannot tell left from right! Even though my Dad tried to ‘train me’ by saying which side he was going to punch and I had duck in the other direction! If I didn’t get punched it was pure dumb luck 🍀

Dyslexia! ‘Cause why not have another Dys syndrome! I have made progress on this one however, by a considerable amount, because I’m a writer (against my will be eh) 📖

Autism. If you call me ‘Aspie’ I will find your ass. And no, I will not be nice. My object of study (special interest is demeaning, don’t @ me) is vague af. It’s stories. And horror. Horror stories REALLY scratch that itch. I read stories and watch/read/view horror from around the globe and am compulsed to compare and contrast. I’ve found you never really learn a new culture until you’ve absorbed their stories into your soul.

Now it’s time for the ACTUALLY weird shit!

Ever since I can remember, if I thought something, I would see that instead of what my eyes were looking at! It took me until fourteen to learn how to make it a transparent-ish overlay instead of blacking out my vision! Walked into a lot of doors and poles. Sometimes houses. Once a barn. Many trees… 🌳

This one relates to the first one I think. When I read I watch a movie. I cannot for the life of me understand how people read the words and don’t see a film playing out instead. If it’s a tech manual I either see someone reading it to me, or my dyslexia kicks into high gear and the words jumble up into chaos. This also makes me ‘read’ slower than most, as the voices and images have to go at the pace of a film. My fiancé reads so fast because he doesn’t even hear a voice in his head when he does it. That’s so fuckin’ bizarre of him /j.

I have a mind palace. Yeah yeah go on and roll your eyes. I read about it when I was a teenager and thought it was interesting. I figured I can imagine whatever I want in extreme detail (even things I’ve never seen before), so I made one. I use it to store characterizations. And bad memories. So it’s a character storage closet and a way to compartmentalize. I also play piano in the foyer, next to the main entrance, which is the Gates of Hell buy Auguste Rodin. I enter it by suddenly walking into the foyer. The Gates of Hell lead to any room I want. There is also a hall in front of the foyer. I enter on the… okay so if you’re facing the Gates I enter on the Left side (I had to make an L with my fingers Dx) and if you go right down the hall, past the foyer, there are rows of doors on either side of the hall, which hold frequently visited rooms. I also have the White Room, which I enter to experience nothing. With extreme pain, either mental of physical, I can go into the room and not exist for a while. This does not however mean I’m passed out. I’m getting to that part though…

I see characters from books and films as actual people. Like out and about doing things. As a child I thought they were real. By four I realized no one else saw them. I would still talk to them/play with them often. I still see them, but now it’s more voluntary.

Building off that when I lived with my extremely abusive Ex Husbands parents, (who were actively starving me to death at the time, but I didn’t realize because they had good excuses and did it slowly until all food was cut off very suddenly when I was too weak to do anything about it) I had an extreme amount of stress and anxiety. My ex was in a band, which meant that every single night we were gigging and I had to schmooze for him. I was forced to talk and charm members of other bands, producers, mixers, fans, you name it. I couldn’t handle it. I just COULD. NOT. DO. IT!!! So, one of those characters I see all the time came to me in my mind palace (that’s where they live) and invited me to his bar for some drinks (I can feel drunk while I’m in the palace, it’s pretty cool. I can also eat in there during times of starvation and it helps with the pain). He offered to do the socializing for me. So I said yes. And that’s how I spent the next six months primarily as Dean Winchester. I don’t remember much of this time. And I got into a lot of awkward situations (he was a bisexual fuckboy and I’m gay… so I had about thirteen girlfriends, with my ex’s permission as long as he could date them too… I do know, thanks to Dean telling me, that the reason I had so many was because my ex Husband was so creepy he’d scare them off. Apparently the girls offered to keep dating me, just not the ex, but per my ex’s rules, I always declined). I do remember some things though. I would say I was myself about thirty percent of the time.

Things began to escalate… years later, when I got with my more serious ex gf, things ramped up a lot. We were in the process of buying a house and adopting a child, when the birth mom lost custody to her bigoted parents who hated me even though I’d been raising their grandchild since nine months old (she was roughly two and a half at the time). They knew I was ‘bisexual’ and so thought I was of the devil. I never saw my child again (she was MY child. I still mourn her loss. It’s so strange to mourn someone who’s still alive). After that the characters in my head started coming out without talking to me first. Whenever my emotions got to be too much it was like a failsafe kicked in and they’d come out. Idk how else to explain it. My ex gf caught on, and at first was convinced I had Dissociative Identity Disorder which meant I was therefore dangerous. She was afraid to sleep next to me in case I had an ‘Evil alter’ who’d kill her on her sleep. Eventually she got over that and decided to start learned manipulating me via the characters. If I didn’t want to or couldn’t do something, someone in my head probably could. She’d purposefully trigger them to get her way and then gaslight me about it. My ability to speak with most characters was very limited at that time, so she got away with it for a while. She explained my blank periods as me being blackout drunk, having a bottle of liquor she’d poured out as the proof. Eventually I realized what was happening, as I was able to figure out how to be in more contact with each character in my head. They told me what she was doing… But like an idiot I stayed with her, thinking no one else would accept me. She ended up breaking up with me anyway when I ran out of money. Came around a few times after when I had money again. I’ve blocked her for good at this point 👍

I started using the characters more and more, strengthening my mind palace. I ended up telling my bff at the time about it and he accepted it easily. Never once thought it made me dangerous. He’s even made friends with some of the people in my head. He has his favorites, and his not so favorites xD Btw, he ended up becoming my fiancé 😘

We’ve discovered the characters can do incredible feats of strength and willpower. If I’m about to pass out from pain (which happens frequently) I go into the white room and one of them comes out. One time we had to walk two hours to a gas station at 2am. I couldn’t do it. I convened with my characters and we decided one of them could do it the best (my fiancés least favorite unfortunately). Him and my fiancé ended up going at a march, army style, and made it there and back in fifty minutes. That would’ve been a four hour walk if it had been me attempting it. I was in INCREDIBLE pain when I came to, and was also confronted with the stupid amount of drama the character had caused by being a gossiping bitch. But what mattered was that we’d done it. Well, they’d done it. Some fucking how. The characters can come out when I’m in a severe blood sugar crash and instruct my fiancé on how to help, whereas before they appeared I was a mumbling mess. Sometimes when I’m doing very unwell it feels like bench pressing 300 pounds getting them to come out, but it’s doable.

What does all this mean?

I reeeeeaaalllly don’t think I have DID. It doesn’t seem like other people I know who have it. That’s why I’m making this blog. I’d like to see if I can find like-crazed people out there, get their opinions, discuss possibilities. If you have eidetic imagery, maladaptive daydreaming, FPP (Fantasy Prone Personality Disorder), or even DID, I’d like to hear from you.

I’ll add to this later with a list of characters who I’ll give free rein to use this account. They’ll be able to make their own posts, answer asks, especially if the ask is directed to them, and just use tumblr in general. I’m going to keep this blog as strictly a post blog about my mental health journey, so no memes unfortunately :(

If you’ve made it this far, here’s a medal!! (It’s made from fiberglass and my tears 😊)