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Dito Matatapos

Dito tayo matatapos.

Tama. 

Hanggang dito nalang. 

Gaya ng sabi nila, may mga klase ng pagwawakas na tuluyang magpapalaya sa’yo - kailangan mo lang itong makita’t tanggapin.

Dito natin tatapusin.

Tama.

Kasi hindi na dapat ito magpatuloy - ang sakit at hirap na walang kahit anong bagay ang makakapagpahilom kundi pagpapatawad na nanggaling sa puso.

Dito tayo matatapos.

Alam kong hindi mo ginustong maging dahilan ng paghihirap ng iba. Alam kong tanging nais mo lang ay ang ikabubuti niya. Alam kong pangarap mong makita siyang tunay na masaya pero nakalimutan mong pakinggan ang sinisigaw ng puso niya. 

May mga paraang kahit kailan ay ‘di makakatulong sakan’ya kahit gaano pa kaganda ang intensyon mo para sakan’ya.

Sa sobrang gusto mong mapabuti siya, hindi mo nakita ang tunay na kailangan niya. 

Lahat ng naging desisyon mo’y naging dahilan para masira siya. 

Alam kong hindi mo ito ginusto dahil ang tanging nais mo lang ay ang ikabubuti niya.

Kaya kailangan na nating tapusin. 

Ang lahat ng sakit. 

Ang lahat ng hirap.

Ang lahat ng lungkot.

Ang lahat dismaya.

Ang lahat ng galit.

Na dulot ng mga maling desisyon dahil akala natin hindi tayo nagkakamali.

Dito na matatapos dahil sa wakas, maririnig mo na ang kanyang hinaing.

Dito na matatapos dahil sa wakas, kakawala na siya sa mga nakasanayang nagkulong sakan’ya.

Dito na matatapos dahil sa wakas, titindig na siya para sa sarili niya. 

At kung dito rin matatapos ang samahang meron kayong dalawa, 

tama lang na itigil na ang lahat bago pa umabot sa puntong tuluyan niyong masira ang isa’t isa.

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Kalma

Kalma.

Nasa’n ka na?

Sa pagkakaalala ko’y kasama lang kitang naglalakbay sa magulong mundong ‘to.

Pero ba’t parang biglang ‘di na kita madama? 

Nand’yan ka pa ba o lumisan na ng wala man lang paalam?

Tanaw kita pero ba’t parang ako nalang mag-isa? 

Bigla akong napuno ng pangamba, para akong naiwang mag-isang lumalaban sa magulong mundong ‘to.

Paano ko itutuloy ‘to kung nawala ang kalma sa puso ko’t napuno ng pangamba?

Makakaya bang sumabak ng mag-isa? 

May katahimikan kayang naghihintay sa dulo ng daang tinatahak ngayon?

Kalma, nasa’n ka na?

Nilulunod ako ng sarili kong kaisipan. 

Pakiramdam ko’y binubulag ako sa katotohanan. 

Hindi ko na alam ang totoo. 

Ang daming katanungan sa isip ko pero ‘di alam sa’n hahanapin ang mga sagot.

Nasa’n ka na?

Hindi mo rin ba kinaya ang gulong bitbit ng mundo?

Ba’t bigla kitang ‘di makita na? Sa’n ka nagpunta?

Gusto kong samahan ka. Gusto kong kasama ka. 

Kaso bigla tayong nagkaiba ng landas, at ‘di ko alam kung sino ba sa’tin ang tumahak ng ibang landas.

Ako ba o ikaw?

Sinong naligaw?

Ako ba o ikaw?

SInong lumayo?

Ako ba o ikaw?

Ako at ikaw. Anong nangyari?

Kalma, 

Nawa’y mahanap ka.

Nawa’y bumalik ka.

Nawa’y magkita sa gitna.

Nang maubos na ang pangamba na bumalot sa puso’t isipan,

Nang makaramdam ng kapayapaan sa kabila ng gulong bitbit ng mundong ‘to.

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Napagtanto

It’s a song I’ve written while I’m in middle of winning myself back.

It’s a song about love that never gives up - that no matter how painful it could be to love someone, you’ll still choose to love.

It’s a song about the reality that everyone changes and nothing really stays the same, and that we have to embrace these changes even if it’s painful.

It’s a song that will make you realize that no matter what happens, you won’t get tired loving even if you told yourself to already stop.

It’s a song I’ve written for the people who have become one of the reasons of my pain during those days.

No matter what we say, when our heart speaks, we can’t fake it anymore.

No matter how hurt and broken we are, at the end of the day, we’ll still choose to love.

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Let Me Go

I’m here. Telling everyone how tired I am. Yes, I’m here again.

This ain’t good anymore. I don’t know what to feel. I don’t know what to act. I just don’t know what’s happening. But one thing is for sure, I’m tired and I badly want to escape the pain I’m goin’ through right now.

Until when should I carry this with me? Until when should I convince myself that everything’s okay? Until when should I act like everything’s going well? Until when should I pretend that I’m strong? Until when should I lie to myself? Ugh! I’m so done. I’m not okay, and I don’t know how to be okay, again. Everyday is a battle I have to face - a battle of winning myself back because along the process, I lost myself. Everyday, I am trying to be okay; I am trying to go back to myself who can give a genuine smile, but no matter what I do, I can’t find myself. Still, I am nowhere to be found. I am drowning with my own thoughts, and I can’t even save myself - no one else could, actually. I am now a prison of my own thoughts, and I can’t get out of here. How to get out of here? Tell me. Why this has to happen? Why is it so difficult? I AM TRYING, but why is it so hard to achieve it? How long should I wait for this pain to end? I’m tired, tell me it’s done. Just please tell me it’s done.

Self, let me go. I want peace of mind. Please, let me go. I’m so done embracing the pain, let go of me now. I’m not meant to stay like this, so please, give me a chance to go. I badly want to go now and go back to the old me. Self, do yourself a favor. Don’t be a prison of your own thoughts, let go of everything that burdens you. Let go of the negativities. Let go of your negative self.

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The Process

What naturally begins will naturally ends.

What naturally comes will naturally leaves. 

The thing is, what God has given to us will eventually be taken away from us and we should not be afraid to let go of these gifts no matter how much we value them.

God has reasons why He has given you that gift. But remember, that gift is not meant to stay in your life forever. Nothing stays forever aside from His love.

Let go even if it hurts. Let go even if you don't want to. Just let go and trust His process. 

Just trust the process. Always. Choose not your will, but His. Always.

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Happy 23rd year of existence, self! Thank You Papa God for giving me another year to explore and appreciate the beauty of life. Thank You for letting me experience Your love through the people around me who continuously make me feel valued. Thank You for everything, Papa G! I am not deserving of Your love but You never thought twice of blessing my life everyday. Thank You for letting me experience pain, with that, I am learning to be brave enough to accept the reality wholeheartedly. Thank You for letting me experience joy, with that, I am learning to value the people who make my life a colorful one. May this year be lived according to Your will, I know it won’t be easy for me, but I believe that You’ll always be there to guide me. I surrender everything to You, whatever Your decisions will be, I’ll follow. Again, thank You Papa G! 💝 Everyone, thank you for your greetings! Your messages and presents are more than enough to make my day a wonderful one! Thank you for your efforts, you are all appreciated and loved. “Let all the things that you do be done in love.” - 1 Corinthians 16:14 https://www.instagram.com/p/Bvoek8MgLWu/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=17i08ev0l15k1

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My Sunshine ✨

She’s Nicanora Estopha Bernales.

She’s 89 years old.

She’s born on January 10, 1930.

She’s a proud Cebuana.

She’s a mother of 10 children.

She’s a faithful wife of Zacarias.

She’s a selfless grandma.

She’s a friendly neighbor.

She’s my everything.

I’m Jonichi Bernales David.

I’m 22 years old.

I’m a March baby.

I’m a proud lola’s girl.

I’m the daughter of my lola’s daughter - Nancy Bernales.

I’m a stubborn grandchild.

I’m a noisy neighbor.

I’m not her everything.

That woman in the photo is the most precious woman in my life. She’s my life, she’s my everything. My life won’t be this amazing if not because of her, she has given me what I need, actually, more than what I need. She’s enough. I don’t want to ask for more because her presence is already enough.

I came from a broken family, but being in a broken family doesn’t feel like broken at all, why? It’s because of her.

My parents separated but I didn’t wonhder why, I didn’t even bother asking them. Why? It’s because of her.

I’ve worked hard to be where I am right now. I can be just like other people out there - wasting their lives because they feel like there’s nothing they can do to make everything better; but I chose and will always choose not to be like them. Why? It’s because of her.

She’s an enough reason to strive harder in life, to make things better, to not let anything be a hindrance in achieving my goals. She’s been my inspiration since day 1. She’s the reason for living this life. Yes, she’s really my everything.

She’s an enough reason to be contented in life - to not look for more because she’s capable of giving you what others can also give you. Her love is so powerful, it covers everything. I feel so full. She’s really my everything.

She’s my everything but I always fail to make her feel it. I always take her for granted, I seldom make efforts for her to feel loved and appreciated. I’m stupid for doing such things, I know. Until now, I still don’t know why I let these things happen.

I’m not her everything and I won’t beg for me to be her everything. She loves too much and her love is so wide, it reaches everyone. If time will come that she has to choose, I know she’ll let go of me, not because she doesn’t love me but because she knows I can stand on my own, and I know she’ll choose someone who needs her the most. Yes, I am not her everything but that won’t change the fact that for me, she’s everything.

Taking her away from me also means taking my life away. A life without her is definitely lifeless. A rainbow colored life will turn into black and white. A genuine smile will never be seen again. A genuine happiness will never be felt again. I would definitely be lost, and won’t find my way back. I may be able to find my way back, but it’ll never be the same. Her last destination will also be mine’s.

To my sunshine, keep shining! Wherever you go, I’ll follow. Thank you for the sacrifices and love. I am not a perfect grandchild, but you never failed to make me always feel loved and valued. I disappoint you most of the times, but still, you stayed. You’ve been given chances to let go of me, but you still chose to take care of me. Thank you for not giving up on me. Your existence is enough for me to be motivated in living this life. Thank you, sunshine. I love you to the moon and back. 💓

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Never beg for someone’s attention. Never.

“I must remind myself,

over and over again,

not to fight

and beg

for your attention.”

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My Zac

November 22, 2015, a memorable date not because it’s my mom’s birthday but because Zachy came into my life. It’s a gift I never thought I’d receive, I won’t forget that day - the feeling I felt that day. I was given a chance to take care of this precious and I won’t forget the days we’ve spent together - those were the days I feel so contented just having him. But this is life, in life, we won’t be always happy. There are things we don’t expect to happen and it’ll either bring you joy or pain, the thing is whatever it brings you, you have to face and accept it. It was March 17, 2016 when I have to make one of the most painful decisions in my life; letting go of Zac. My lola was bitten by Zac because he was trying to protect her from a stranger who’s getting closer to Lola but he was held so tight that caused him to bite the person who’s holding, which is my lola. If he’ll stay at home, it might happen again, and I don’t want it to happen again that’s why I have to let go of him and give it to my relatives to take care of him. It was difficult to pretend like nothing happened, I missed him a lot. On September 6, he’ll be 4 years old already! And I am happy that after all the struggles he’s been through he’s still alive and kicking! My baby is such a strong doggy, and I am proud of him. I may not be his owner anymore, but I know in his heart, I have a special space that no one can replace - I claim it! I miss my Zac, I miss spending most of my time with you, I miss everything about you, I miss the feeling of being with you. I just miss you, really.

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I’m Done

Tired with everything, I’m done.

I’m so done trying to understand everyone.

The negativity, I want it to be gone.

Take me away from here, ‘cause I can see no fun.

I’m done, I can’t do this anymore.

I want to leave this place, let me open the door.

I don’t want to stay here, what for?

I’m so done...