elisewrites

[elisewrites]

Love and relationships

We often idealise (even if we consciously deny it) a relationship so meant to be that everything is effortless. Finishing each others’ sentences, doing small acts of service, romanticising the future, happily ever afters.

Do I still yearn for that sometimes? Yeah, deep down I think so. 

Do I view my relationship positively? Yes, I think things can get better.

But more importantly, perhaps I should not rush to flip to the end of the textbook for answers. I don’t know if I will ever figure it out completely, or if I’d get a 20/20 view of where this will eventually lead to, but as long as I enjoy the ride, I am definitely doing myself a huge fucking favour.

Side note, I know that higher expectations lead to higher disappointed but would it be fair to say we should have minimal expectations? If not, then what demarcates too much/too little? 

Questions, questions, questions. 

Sigh.

[elisewrites]

Some weekends you get the chance to stroll along the older lanes of Singapore, enter a bookstore that happens to be a cafe as well, buy a glass of iced latte along with fresh cream cake, plug in to John Mayer and top it off with a book on vulnerability. If this is not art, I don’t know what else is :-)

[elisewrites]

To: Elise

You do you. Slowly but surely, you will eventually let go of your fears. Fear of judgement, fear of rejection, fear of being undeserving; one day they will stop controlling you completely. Till the day comes, continue trying. Continue making mistakes but be gentle in your words. You don’t need to be harsh on yourself each time you slip. All of this is part of being human. Let go of your guilt and shame. Let go of your desire to bend over backwards and please others. Let go of the disappointment you have in yourself. You only have one life to be kind to yourself, don’t lose focus of what is truly precious in life. 

Read the books that you want, see the places you want to see, make friends with those who count, date and have fun. There is so much more to life than whatever’s living in your head. Seize the present. I have faith that one day, you will become the woman you’ve always wanted to. And when the day comes, know that I have always been proud of you all this time.

The wind is rising, we must try to live.

Reading on the train

(Edward Clark. 1949)

[elisewrites]

Caught IU live today and was so pleasantly surprised! I actually know quite a number of her songs and oddly, her current state of mind is so relatable. 

I guess at some point of time everyone deals with the same demons in their life - insecurity, doubt, guilt and shame. Such an amazing gift she has, to put these into words and melody, that are shared to the world.

[IU INSTAGRAM] 170922 dlwlrma 꽃갈피 둘 안녕 매순간 고마웠어 행복만 해야 돼

[elisewrites]

sometimes I really don’t know

what is it I truly want

are my standards impossible? Some tell me yes, some no

a voice inside keeps telling me that things aren’t supposed to be so complicated; the heart will tell you what to do...

...but what if the heart says no?

[elisewrites]

Ironic but sadly I can’t deny this is

[elisewrites]

dontmakemecompelyou:

- by Saphira, Eragon.

I wonder if I should have even made that point at all. Perhaps I should have known better, that there’d definitely be backlash - in fact a strong one. 

Truth be told, I feel afraid now that I’ve done it, because I believe this backlash (whatever aftercurrent that follows) can potentially be a vile, twisted one. It’s like you’ve thrown all your ammunition out in one blow; now the ball is on the other side of the court and your opponent who has much bigger muscles than you, can afford to kill with just an effortless pull of trigger. And the scary thing is this opponent might actually do it.

Maybe deep down I still believed that there would be a chance of a two-way, objective conversation. Maybe I was too naiive. 

Maybe I should have played the game right from the start. Maybe I should have trusted no one. 

But do I really want to live that way? Slowly letting myself sink deeper and deeper into the filthy, foul mud. 

Whatever it is, I did it with no malevolent intent on my end. I hoped for the possibility of being heard and if this proved to be a wrong move, all I can do now is to bear the consequences to come. And whatever the consequences are, I won’t be faultless if I leave a careless opening. What I can do from this moment on is to man up, take responsibility for all that I am responsible for, and deliver above and beyond. 

As long as I’ve tried my best, I think at least I will leave with no regrets.

"Without fear there cannot be courage."

[elisewrites]

有时我微弱的心灵会苦恼：怎么大家都那么幸福，这世间都是成双成对的。

而我的幸福在哪？怎么绕了一大圈，都似乎只在原地打转。

是我的问题吗－这问题我自问了该有一千次了吧；没一次有过回复。

我知道自己有时不懂得爱自己，而有时也不懂得爱他人。可是大家不都是这样吗？大家不都在学着成长吗？怎么就偏偏只有我一个失败者。

太挑了？择偶条件不够好？过度独立而不懂得示弱？社交圈太小？等等等

好累。好想完全不管这些，就让自己孤独终老吧。反正在这庞大的宇宙里，渺小的我也不算什么。

但人都需要爱，我也不例外。

怎么办？我也不知道。从未有个清楚解答。

也不知道我在这无谓地纠结能有啥意义。只盼心情能舒畅些吧。

[elisewrites]

Today was a bad day. A really bad day.

There are so many things I wish to be, so much I’d like to achieve. But right now nothing seems to be within grasp. 

How long more? How much more? 

How can I train my mind to think? 

[elisewrites]

May God bless and keep you always May your wishes all come true May you always do for others And let others do for you

...and may you stay forever young

[elisewrites]

Absolutely spellbinding. Loved the film. Cried buckets. 

Has been a while ♥

[elisewrites]

The free soul is rare, but you know it when you see it - basically because you feel good, very good, when you are near or with them.

Charles Bukowski (via quotemadness)

love this one :)

[elisewrites]

“You have to learn to love yourself, before you love others”

This used to be my daily living mantra until recently. Not that I am disparaging it, or that I no longer think it is true. I still believe in this sentence but lately, I realise the importance of not only applying theories to the correct context, but also being able to adapt as one progresses (in thought or behaviour). 

The catch for the above sentence is that it should only apply to individuals struggling with esteem and self worth issues. But many forget to address what follows. What’s next, once you’ve learnt to love yourself? 

You learn to love others as well.

The danger I feel, in modern society is that many (esp females) get so caught up with this stage that they forget the next one, which is to learn how to love others. When you’re preoccupied with how to love thyself, how to stand up for thyself, I worry that some will start to think it’s all about themselves. Because I matter the most, right? 

Yes, you matter the most when you are healing, coping, and trying to spread your wings. But you can’t just stop there because once you’ve learn to fly, the only next thing that will bring you happiness is how your bring others up as well. 

Then, it’s no longer about yourself anymore.

[elisewrites]

Yesterday night I had a magnificent dream. 

I always marvel over my dreams because they are so rare and hence so precious each time. Not to say that I don’t dream every night; I simply have no recollection of them. In a sense I am blessed because that also means that I’ve never been haunted by nightmares as far as I can remember. 

So yes, my dream. 

For the first half it’s already too hazy for me to effectively illustrate. I think I was walking around with a bunch of people. Most of them did not stand out except for 2 secondary school classmates (one of which I am completely not close to, random that she appears in my subconcious. The other I still talk to now and then) and a guy. I knew it for some reasons that I have feelings for the guy. Either that or he is already someone significant. But my inclination is the former. 

We made our way to this long outdoors dining table, in the middle of nowhere, in fact I think it was a field. There wasn’t much lighting and from the colour of the sky I believe it was at least 9pm or later. The dining table reminds me of the setting where Alice met the Mad Hatter for the first time, just less fancy and not so many colours. 

After some dilly-dallying, we were all seated and started some small talk. Then, I started looking up at the sky. 

It was absolutely stunning. Kind of like those NatGeo-worthy milky way shots that you see on stock image websites. A sky so dark and so full of stars. I was mesmerised and couldn’t stop looking.

Then, I caught a shooting star. Oh My God. A freaking shooting star! Living in Singapore, being able to witness more than a handful of stars at night is worth celebrating. Can you imagine the excitement coursing through my veins! 

I started grabbing the attention of those seated beside me, eyes never once leaving the sky. 

If I recall correctly, when I snapped out of my trance, it was too late to make any wish. But God is great and sometimes in life you get second chances. Another shooting star appeared and I immediately clasped my hands and made two wishes. First one I wished for a boyfriend. Hahaha. (which is why I suspect the guy beside me isn’t my SO, thought he felt like a really important person. I don’t know.) Second wish I think it was for my career. Probably about me making a difference or creating valuable work, I really don’t remember. 

Yes, I know. Such superficial wishes. What happened to good health to loved ones, happiness and world peace? 

Well I’m sure there exists some saying that your true self emerges in times of crisis or whatnot. I wouldn’t quote myself.

So yeah, after I made these two wishes, I resumed to my trance of staring at the sky. And something magical started to happen. Instead of the regular, slim silver shining stars - bolder things started appearing. Again, this weak brain of mine doesn’t remember most of them. Except one that was orangey-gold in colour, and really thick. Instead of moving across the sky, it was twisting and creating a concoction, if it even makes sense. Think back of the last time you poured creamer into your coffee, but instead of a light milky texture, it’s a thick, viscous substance that doesn’t seem to dissolve as you stir.

And. It. Was. A. Divine. Sight. To. Behold. 

So unbelievably beautiful...

...then I stirred...

...and woke up.

--

Hahaha. There’s really not much purpose in this post, other than me wanting to record this beautiful sleep-memory of mine. Especially for someone like me who wakes up with a clean slate every morning.

I couldn’t stop searching up dream interpretations on shooting stars afterwards, but wasn’t able to find anything helpful. Some claimed good luck, some claimed natural disasters - I didn’t know which one to believe.

Well not that it will impact my life in any way. For all I know dreams are just puzzles pieces randomly folded together by the memory compartment, tossed into the brain-oven, then presented to your conscious mind.

Still, magnificent sight even if was not witnessed by my eyes.

[elisewrites]

Do you feel like this sometimes?

[elisewrites]

那路的起点谁能忘 那路的尽头谁在唱

谁成名在望 谁曾失望 却更多 的谁在盼望 那黑的终点可有光 那夜的尽头天将亮 那成名在望 无关真相 如果你 心始终信仰 谁又能怎样？ 谁又能怎样？ “你就能飞翔”

／／

花了一整晚听五月天的歌 看五月天的MV

每次读着阿信写的歌词时 都会有种莫名的惭愧感

若说五月天的歌象征着追梦

／／

那么我的惭愧是象征着懦弱吗

[elisewrites]

and it is only recently that I’ve realised,

that I’m pretty far away from the ideal me.

//

Am I the only one who feels this way? When you feel like you’ve made a few big strides forward, a wave of current sweeps you by and poof you’re back to square one.