elliehearnwrites-blog

[elliehearnwrites-blog]

Anonymous

It had been good while it lasted. Walt was an absolute creative powerhouse. I spent my first few months at Disney in absolute awe of him and what he had done for me. On reflection it’s quite embarrassing. He took me to the very top, he made my silhouette the logo for christ sake. 

And I ruined everything. 

I’m such a cliche; young star who gets a taste of the good life and can’t handle it. I was on more than top footballers. The Disney parties were unlike anything you’ll ever see, I can tell you that much. I didn’t know there were cameras at that party. It was all so stupid. My ego was what did it, I just had to boast about where I got the drugs from. Why did I mention Walt’s name. I will never forgive myself, I ruined not only my life, but his. I ruined his families life, his business, the lives of his employees. The worst thing is the fact it was Minnie who turned me in. She saw the video. I was all over the girls from the candy floss stand that night, it’s all such an awful cliche.

[elliehearnwrites-blog]

Dinner

“Do you think this project has gone a bit far now, Michael?” Darcy said. 

“Mum, that’s the whole point of what I am doing. I’m showing how much people’s social media image takes over their life,” he rolled his eyes. “I need to really get into the mindset, I need to live my art.” He consoled himself, as he always did, by telling himself that no great artist is ever appreciated in his own time. Clearly not even by his own mother, who would not appreciate real art even if she was in the Guggenheim. 

“I’m sorry sweetheart, I know this is important for your little project, it’s just that your food is going cold. Don’t you think you’ve got enough pictures now?”

“Muuuum, you’re so embarrassing.” She wondered to herself how she managed to raise such a little odd ball, but there’s no point both their meals going cold. She tucked in.

[elliehearnwrites-blog]

Obnoxious Panic

The obnoxious panic,

When you cant remember,

Whether you turned the oven off.

But a lot more uncomfortable.

Because you can’t remember,

Why you got out of bed today.

[elliehearnwrites-blog]

Blue

Mikey could see blue, just blue, and that was it. It was burning the back of his eyes and he couldn’t really remember the last time he saw anything but blue. He wasn’t sure that he wasn’t dreaming. ‘In a minute I’ll hear my alarm and I’ll have to get up’, he hoped to himself. He could hear his some screaming getting closer and closer, it sounded a bit like his mum. He really hoped it was her, he tried to look to see her but couldn’t move his head, there was a big red padded box around it. Someone appeared in the blue told him not to strain his neck, to stay still. Nothing would be better right now than a special mummy cuddle like what he got when he was ill enough to stay off school in bed. All of a sudden there she was, her face was upside down and at a funny angle but it made him feel better straight away, even though her eye make-up was rubbed all over her eyes and she looked all red and blotchy.

“Mum…” he said. “Shh, sweetheart it’s okay, I’m here now’. She moved to stroke his head but as soon as she reached out a hand in a blue glove snatched it and pulled it back. Then another upside down face at a funny angle moved into the blue and explained to his mother that she couldn’t touch him yet, until they had “fully assessed the damage”. He felt like crying but he was pretty sure he had didn’t have any tears left. His mum moved round so her face was at the right angle but her eyes still looked funny; he had never seen such scary, or maybe scared eyes. She started talking to one of the men with blue hands in a hushed voice so his eyes drifted back to the blue.

The only thing he could compare this to was having a really bad dream, the sort where you woke up crying and got to sleep in mum and dads bed. The same part kept happening again and again. He was walking across the road with Ben (his BEST friend), they had snuck out of school and were on their way to the corner shop. The shop was quite far from their school and there were lots of shops nearer, but they were usually able to get away with stealing some sweets as the man who owned the shop was old and a little bit blind. Sometimes they could even persuade one of the older college kids, who knew Mikey’s big sister, to buy them some WWE magazines that were 16+. They needed to get there before the older kids finished their lunch break, and it was already ten to one so they needed to get there fast.

BANG.

It was strange; it didn’t actually hurt at all. Well, it did now, but not at the time. It really hurt now. He hadn’t bothered to look before he stepped off the pavement; they were on Walker Street, and there weren’t never cars on Walker Street.

This had to be a nightmare. He wanted to be anywhere but here, he would even rather be in Mr Quinn’s science lesson. He should be learning about how plants eat oxygen to stay alive, but instead he is lying here with a car on top of his legs. The medicine the doctors have given have made it stop hurting his legs so much, but he had never felt so afraid in all his life. What was going to happen to his legs? Why did they hurt so much? One of the men in blue gloves asked if Mikey could feel it when he touched his toes, OUCH, yes! The doctor quickly came over with more of the medicine when he heard Mikey shouting. His mother was stroking his hand now, the only place she was allowed and it was nice but it wasn’t helping much.

He stared into the blue again, and tried to pretend he was up there in the sky, not on this horrible, bumpy wet road covered in broken glass and fag butts. He finally heard a man say to his mum that they were ready to move him and she came over and told him to get ready to go in the ambulance. She smelt like cigarettes which was weird because she had quit ages ago.

They gave him more medicine and put a clean blanket on him then rolled him onto a stretcher. The pain started again, like what it would probably feel like if lots of little explosions went off in his legs, as they lifted and carried him to the ambulance. He called out for his mum and she came onto the ambulance and took the seat next to his head. She started stroking his hair very hard and quickly but he didn’t tell her to stop, it seemed to be calming her down. She told him it was going to be okay and what a big brave boy he was. The sirens started blaring and they jolted off. Every stop, start, corner and bump in the road set more explosions off. He started crying again and the doctor gave him more medicine. He couldn’t see the blue anymore, just the faded white of the ambulance ceiling. His eyes felt heavy and he felt more tired than he could ever remember feeling before.

[elliehearnwrites-blog]

Kickabout

Young boys dream of success,

out playing while their room’s a mess.

Getting mud on their cut up knees

aiming for a goal made of trees.

Everyone’s hoping the kid who owns the ball,

doesn’t hear his mother’s call.

[elliehearnwrites-blog]

Twins

2001

Mila and Ammie were born at 3.00am and 3.20am on the 13th March 2001. Their mother, Sofia, suffered massively during the birth and nearly died from the amount of blood she lost during labour. She suffered from Post-Natal depression and this affected her two existing children, Liza and Kotryna quite seriously. Sofia felt an incredible resentment towards her children, not only for destroying her body, youth and social life, but also for impairing her mental health so entirely. It was the nature of her mental illness that she blamed her children, who were not at all to blame for her deteriorating state. Sofia’s cancerous feeling of ill will spread to her eldest two children who began to resent their new siblings for taking away their warm mother and replacing her with a cruller, colder version. The change in Sophia was more dramatic for Liza and Kotryna but at least they had known a different side to her, the twins only got to know her nasty side.

Sofia’s husband and the girls’ father, Lukas, was a loving and devoted man, but he had a large family to provide for and worked tirelessly to afford to pay the bills. He wanted to be there for his wife but he was so often absent around the house it was hard for him to properly gauge what was happening. He assumed when he got home late at night and Sofia was fraught and distressed it was just because it was at the end of a long day, he did not understand that she was much worse throughout the day and that she hid her behaviour and feelings from him. He did notice a change in his older girls, but he assumed this was because they were jealous of the attention the twins were getting. He was shocked at how much more work taking care of two newborns was compared to one at a time, but the challenge had shocked him. He loved all his girls so much and he did not mind working every day in order to try and provide the best life he could for them.

When the twins reached 8 months Lukas realized there was something very wrong, he had come home on several occasions and found the twins in an airing cupboard. He thought it was just Sofia’s fatigue but the third time he found them they were on a bare wooden shelf, with no blankets and just nappies on. He saw for the first time their awful nappy rash and he cringed as he felt the splinters in their backs as he lifted them up. That night he took all of his children to his mother’s house, an hour away and deep in the forest. Despite his mother’s declining health, Lukas felt what it was like to leave your children with someone and not feel an indefinable sense of unease. He wondered how he could have been so unobservant. His relief was soon replaced with dread as he neared his home and imagined Sofia waiting for him.

Lukas had already spoken to a local hospital about his wife, he had not wanted to involve the police as he knew this behaviour was not the norm for his wife and did not want her reputation to be forever tarnished. He also did not want to face raising his children alone, and despite her recent moods and worrying behaviour he still loved her. His love for her had shrunk and changed, comparing it to as recently as when she was pregnant he could hardly believe how much had changed but there was something still there. Besides, they have four children together, if nothing else that was worth salvaging. The hospital had told him it sounded like she was very unwell and he was given strict instructions to bring her in and they would take care of her. He knew she was not going to be receptive to any suggestion of this and he was still undecided as to whether or not he should try and trick her. But he resolved this was disrespectful to her, it was best to tackle this situation honestly, he did not want to break her trust in him at this time when he expected she must be feeling very isolated. He pulled up on their drive, got out the car, he could already hear Sofia crying from the driveway.

2014

Mila and Ammie had just turned thirteen, but they were completely unaware of this as Mila rifled through a bin looking for some food for her and Ammie. As she carried it back she thinks about how she has taken a role of protector, despite being only twenty minutes older than Ammie; she had always felt responsible and slightly maternal towards her. These maternal urges may have developed at such a young age because of the lack of maternal affection they received in their first few months. Ammie had reacted very differently to Mila, she had become incredibly introverted and would speak only to Mila. Mila always reminded Ammie of how lucky they were that they were twins, they had a special bond, it would have been so lonely and Mila doubted that just one would have survived everything that had happened.

It was a good day as Mila had found half a loaf of bread and a jar of jam that had plenty left in it. She thought of how strange it was that people would be so wasteful with their food, but she didn’t complain. If it weren’t for such wasteful people her and Ammie wouldn’t be able to eat. She did feel regretful that neither of them went to school after primary, if only she were a bit older she could teach Ammie, but they were at the same level. She didn’t feel too sad though, she felt there was still plenty of time for them to get school in later. Soon their situation would turn around.

At first Mila and Ammie had blamed their mother entirely and hated her, they wondered how she could be so neglectful. But after their endless discussions about it they reached some semblance of closure. Their grandmother had helped, she had explained that their mummy wasn’t very well. She said sometimes when you get sick it does not just make you throw up it can affect you in ways that you can’t see. Their first 6 years with her were their happiest, she was such a loving presence, and always cuddling them and making them feel so special. Their dad said how they had given their Grandmother a new lease of life. He said if it weren’t for them she would have gone much sooner. When the girls had started school she started to get really sick. The loss of their Grandmother affected them massively.

Mila was starting to worry about how much longer they would survive. She knew things were getting worse, she couldn’t quite define it but she felt a strange foreboding. Ammie seemed oblivious to anything, she had been the same melancholy girl since Mila could remember. Even before things turned bad after their Grandmother died Ammie was always sad for no reason that Mila could see. They shared a strong connection, so when Ammie was sad it affected Mila; their grandmother had told them it was a ‘twin thing’.

“Just another one of their twin things.” Their Grandmother would say repeatedly every day. Neither Mila nor Ammie could imagine what life would be like without such a strong bond with someone else. They were very different girls; they liked different things, and they argued a lot, but they were connected on a telepathic level. Each sister could anticipate the reaction and behaviour of the other, perhaps this was why they had such raging arguments. They were always aware of a sense of abandonment, a sensation they had grown numb to. Mila and Ammie had an unusually strong bond, even for twins, it may have been due to their circumstances but from a young age that had developed the ability to shut out the outside world and live in their own little twin world. Whenever they felt sad they would go to this twin world they had created. It was a happy escape and a place the twins were able to control, unlike the outside world that they had never had any control over.

Mila took hers and Ammie’s few remaining clothes out through the forest, which surrounded her late Grandmother’s house, and brought them down to the stream to wash them. She sat on the edge of the stream and worried. She worried what would happen to them in the next few years, she worried about the fact they didn’t go to school, she worried about the fact that they might not have anything to eat tonight, but she mostly worried about Ammie picking up on her worry and feeling the same way herself.

Ammie waited for Mila to get back, she always waited in the bedroom when Mila was gone because she got nervous when she was alone. She heard someone downstairs, it didn’t sound like Mila. And she couldn’t feel Mila’s presence. She heard someone calling her name.

“Ammie! Ammie? Come down and see your mummy Ammie!” It felt like their mother’s voice calling her. She wondered if she was imagining things, she sat very still and looked straight ahead at the wall. She hoped she wasn’t going crazy. She carefully moved to look out the window to see if Mila was coming back, and as she did so she wondered why she was trying not to make any noise if she was imagining things. She heard footsteps coming up the stairs. She didn’t have time to hide, she stood where she was and stared at the door. It opened and a woman came in who Ammie didn’t recognize but who was acting very familiarly towards her. Her body language did not suggest she was there to hurt Ammie, but she had been fooled before and was not ready to put her guard down, despite having very little to actually guard herself with.

“Ammie, sweetie. It’s mummy, can you see me?” This strange woman started crying. Ammie had not seen her mother since she was less than a year old, but this woman did not match the image she had created of her. In her mind her mother was an ugly monster who abandoned her, not this lady. She was small and delicate with a kind face and lovely curly hair, she looked a bit like Ammie.

“Say something, sweet Ammie. Please.” She started crying even more and took a step towards Ammie.

“I- I don’t know my mummy. Um.” Then her nerves took over, as was always the way with Ammie. She started to feel Mila’s presence, she wanted to look out the window but was struggling to take her eyes off this woman. She could definitely feel that Mila was getting closer and she felt more and more confident. She decided to make a break for it. She ran around this strange woman and down the stairs. She could hear the woman’s crying get louder as she ran away, it was one of the creepiest things she had experienced. She met Mila outside the house and they ran into the forest together. Ammie cried and told Mila what happened. Mila worried again but tried not to left Ammie feel it. She hugged her and the girls slept in the forest that night, luckily it was summer and they had already made several safe spots in the forest surrounding the house, because Mila was had been paranoid about something like this happening. They slept well that night, as they felt safe with each other.

The next morning the girls went to the bottom of the garden and watched the house to make sure no one was there. Mila did not know what to do now; someone knew they were there. It was likely she would come back, or worse maybe tell the police or someone and they would come and get them and then God knows what would happen to them. They couldn’t see any movement in the house so they decided to go back, get their stuff and think about what to do next. They entered the house and checked every room but no one was there. Not even any sign someone had been there, the strange woman must have left. Mila did wonder is Ammie had completely imagined it, and she really hoped she had. She wondered whether staying in that house was worth the risk. It was deep in the forest and she wasn’t sure how long they had been there undisturbed but it must have been years by now. The girls sat on the floor and ate the food Mila had found yesterday. From now on Ammie would have to come everywhere with Mila.

2014

Sofia sat with the psychologist, Doctor Novak, she couldn’t speak because she was crying so much.

“Sofia, my dear. I think we both need to be honest with each other, this has been going on for too long. The approaches you have wanted to try quite clearly aren’t working and we have been trying for a number of years now. I think it is time to try something else.” She sniffed and nodded. “I hope you don’t feel I am being harsh with you but I can see it from an outside perspective, with less invested emotion. I just want what’s best for everyone.”

“I don’t think I am ready for what you have suggested. It is so severe, I don’t know if I could bring myself to go through with it.” Her sobs started to slow and she felt a stony defiance start to form inside her. Why would Doctor Novak want to do this to her?

“Well, you wouldn’t have to do actually anything, Sofia. Others will do it for you. Look, we have known each other for over 13 years now, I hope you know I have only ever had your best interests at heart.”

Doctor Novak looked at Sofia for a long time. He tried to read her facial expressions; defiance, anger, maybe even shame. He didn’t know who these emotions were directed at but he suspected at herself more than anyone else, or just the situation. But it was no one’s fault, it was a very sad situation and it called for incredibly unorthodox psychiatric methods, methods the Doctor had no experience with. It was so rare he was unable to find anything in any medical journals to help him and no doctors he had spoken to had any advice. At this late stage he could not see a cure or reconciliation without an incredibly difficult solution.

“Sofia, I think what’s just happened today shows what must be done. Please.” He pleaded with her for quite some time before she finally agreed to what he hoped was the best course of action.

“It will seem barbaric and it will be painful and may result in a lot of emotional trauma, but you know yourself that you can come back from what seems irreversible. It will make them stronger.”

Things were soon put into motion, Lukas met Sofia and told her he was pleased with her decision, he had been petitioning for this course of action for quite some time. But he never wanted to pressure Sofia into doing something she didn’t want to do, not after last time. Besides, he would not be able to make this kind of decision on his own, he needed the support of his wife, just as she had needed his for so long. It had been incredibly hard on his older girls, Liza and Kortyna had taken it so well, they were such well adjusted girls despite everything that had been thrown at them. They had not received the attention they deserved but he was so proud of the way they had blossomed.

He blamed himself, if he had not left his girls with their Grandmother while their mother received the care she needed none of this would have happened. No matter how grim, he had to ride out the consequences of his actions. Despite the fact he knew this was his fault, he found some comfort in the fact that this could not have been predicted. Doctor Novak had to invent a word to describe what he called ‘a total phenomenon’, which was ‘Sororal Cognition Blackout’. Essentially this meant that his girls had such a strong connection, and their early trauma was so great they invented an entire world for themselves. Instead of allowing themselves to assimilate with their family after their Grandmothers death, they did not acknowledge any of the family. Lukas had moved them all to the his late mother’s house, money struggles from the massive medical bills after Sofia’s illness meant they had to sell their house and after his mother died and left them the house it made sense. However, in hindsight Lukas believed this made them worse, it allowed them to live in their fantasy. It had been incredibly distressing, Lukas stooped so low as to have separate bins; ones which he cleaned and left food in for the girls, and the other for real waste, which he kept in the boot of his car so the girls would never eat anything damaging. It was not rewarding and it was mostly incredibly worrying, things had climaxed when the girls spent the night in the woods because Sofia had tried to speak to Ammie.

The only thing left for it was for the girls to be completely separated, there seemed some potential to get through to at least Ammie when she was not under Mila’s spell.