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[elliewentworth]

I am so craving a shot, I feeling so low today, so unloved,so ugly and a massive bender would so numb my self hate today,

It’s like I can feel and taste the shot already it’s like a voice saying come get me now I will make all those feeling go away, you know you want it, you know I’m the only one that loves you…..

The urge is running through my veins begging me To sucome to it, please please I need you just as much as you need me …..come find me, I miss you soooooo much ….

But as the day goes on and I say fuck off and think of my friend in hospital and my boys and all the plans I have with both of them… I remember all this hard work will be undone all my dreams and business ventures I want to do will flood away.

Seeing my boys and being the mum I used to be would not just fade it would crumble …

so instead I posted my boys some pressies and rang them and even spoke to my ex ...if I use I will loose his trust loose myself agian ….

Today was the first massive urge I have had since I stopped … I know I will get plenty more but fighting this one was my first step of knowing what to do to turn around those thoughts …

A friend said to me today ellie remember what the end game is and that is you ….

[elliewentworth]

[elliewentworth]

[elliewentworth]

I am worth it, I am now forever going to be a addict, but I am forever going to be a strong, resilient, honest and loyal person….

I could so sit in my self pity of being a addict forever but I choose to look at what I can offer this world and it’s far more then being a junkie addict…

We are all worth it, so today I am feeling a lot better then I did yesterday, I am not beating my self up on the destruction I caused by being a junkie …

I actually am feeling proud of myself for getting away from the shitcunts that are still and probably always will be shitcunts, they say in the junkie crack world you don’t have have friends or meet good people but I was fortunate to meet 3 good people and 2 of them are now clean too, yes we all became clean by I call a blessing in a way, but for each of us it was a pretty horrible wake up call that we all had no way of knowing was coming …

I speak to my forever friends a lot and we all are having our hard up and down days but it funny how we all so grateful to be out of that world now .

It’s always going to be hard and when we have those days where the shitcunts come creeping back to try and knock us down and show there true colours agian it’s so good to feel clean and always from it .

Meth so brings out the shitcunts in all of us, some more then others.

I believe the true good and down to earth , strong willed people are spared of the hell of meth shitcunt life and given a chance to get out some take it and some don’t …

Today I have chosen to take my second chance and be worthy and proud of who I am battle scars and all ….

[elliewentworth]

Why do we become addicts? Does everyone have it in them to become addicted to drugs? Or maybe we r born with it like some say alcoholics are…..

or does it come from trauma you have experienced sometime in your life?

I am a mother and as I have told you before my meth life didn’t go for long but the trail of destruction ( mainly to my self and of course my boys) was massive.

I raised my boys alone mostly, but of course with there dads and other family’s amazing help… and I’m so lucky when I crumbled and I think the reason for me crumbling so hard was cause my boys went to live with there dad to give me a break and I was meant to follow to Melbourne when I had , but something was missing (2things ) my boys and for the first time in a long time I had time to think, time to do nothing which is something I have avoided my whole life as when I do this it was time to grieve my childhood I lost because of being abused by my step dad, I had time to grieve my marriage I lost , and I was grieving not having them around …. which I could have fixed by moving to Melbourne quickly but then I ran the risk of my boys seeing me grieve and my ex husband just had a new baby too so all of that would have been a lot for me to handle and I couldn’t have my boys not seeing me strong like they have always had in the past …. so I turn to drugs to numb everything ….

so coming of drugs not only am I feeling agian I am also feeling the repercussions my meth use has done to my family and my boys…

was I born with this??? Was I always going to be a addicted??? Will my boys become a addicted or am I just weak ???

Today is a low day it’s my sons 13th bday I have spoken to him and I guess I’m just hating myself today but I’m not using and I’m not destroying my life anymore so I need to look at the positives and take one step at a time cause if I don’t I run the risk of using agian and the next time I do that I will destroy my life 100time more then I did last time …. I need to get me back and it’s so true when they say just take one day at a time ….

[elliewentworth]

[elliewentworth]

I can relate to this

[elliewentworth]

So when you are trying to get clean and you wake up to slam bam your past slapped in your face.

Fuck your first reaction is to get on and use to numb your hurt, your pain your embarrassment of that was how bad you got well, well I got that this morning….

I say as I am being honest my first reaction was to use and remember I am a addict but it didn’t last long as each day goes by I become stronger I become addicted to being clean I remember I am slowly becoming the women I once was I am being the mother I yearned to become and was for so many years .

Yes I’m a addicted but I wasn’t a junkie for a long stint it was quite short lived but dam I gave it my all as I do in most thing in life . I guess I always take on that saying my mum always said to me “ if you going to do something you should do it properly” , even though the things I have applied this to I don’t think my mum would have meant this saying to be fit for .

But hey I did it and I did it terribly well in the most destructive way I could have …

So today I saw a video of myself Over dosing on G and as a friend pointed out to me would have this effect me as much as it did today then if I was still a junkie ??? As when you on drugs he explained you a desensitised to feeling to what’s right and wrong to what your morals and values are . Some more them others .

But explaining to me your clean now your doing this cause you want to cause your strong … that’s I am and I’m always going to wake up to these slaps in my face just all in different ways and it’s what we do with them that is important and how we cope , being a addict it’s sometime these thing that can send us back to the dark side or we can learn and do what you haven’t done in the past and take it in , except it and deal with it in a constructive way … and move on as tomorrow is another day, another day you need to battle life and the bullshit it throws at you ….

[elliewentworth]

Coming off drugs your body ur souls goes into crazy ups and downs I’m finding out agian, this isn’t the first time I have gotten my self rid of being a junkie drug addicted, except the last time i did … I gave up one drug and replaced it with another … I was sugar free for years as food has alway been something I’m passionate about and the awareness I have with food, and I have always been a advocate for “sugar is toxic” and been aware that sugar is the fat gainer, the killer , the worst drug you can be addicted to.

So when I last gave up on crystal meth I relapsed on sugar and to no surprise of mine I gained 5 kg, which doesn’t sound like a lot but to someone that knows and is aware of “ you are what you eat it’s a lot , so I turn to my mate crystal agian but still continue with sugar .

So this time getting drugs I am not going to let my body gain another 5 kg I am trying to get off sugar agian to…

This is one of the hardest drug for anyone to cut out properly so doing it and crystal is hard but guess what I’m a addict so in a way this is easy for me to as I can be addicted to anything I grab for things and keep on grabbing in the past I have been a gym junkie or I even have become a addict to collecting $5 notes …

Being a chef and aware of what food is and does makes this a lot easier for me but don’t get me wrong it’s a head fuck and I am human so I need to stay focussed.

As it gets warmer and spring approaching I think of greens , flowers and lamb ….so I’m make lamb with my favourite salads a raw zucchini one with fresh mint, watercress and peas and maybe a hard goats chesse or Parmesan .

Remember fats don’t but on weight it’s sugar …...

[elliewentworth]

Life has a way of mixing things up, a saying my dad used to say, I now understand this, and I can relate this to food too…

living life on life’s term is sometimes way to much for some people. I understand this now we all crumble sometimes in dealing with the mundane day to day chores in life, things if we don’t do society frowns upon…. Another saying I believe is 100% true is “ we are what we eat “ to me this means what we put in a body effects our mood our ability to cope, our overall wellbeing so when life pulls us down with bullshit and we just want to grab something easy, something that will quickly comfort our hunger for something that we know isn’t good for us and we know what the end result will be sluggish and craving more shit ...STOP

Think again …

When I feel like this I make something that is so easy to make . But it also comforts me as it’s a salad mum always made so it’s going to comfort me , remind me of when things were easy and when u finish eating this salad u feel good, but most of all you you satisfied …. remember you r what you eat and in a way we are all addicts what ur vice is changes for all of us but remember food and sugar is probably one of the main stream accepted drugs we all sucome to in life….

[elliewentworth]

#Who am i ??

What am I passionate about? What do I want my legacy to be ? I think we all ask these question throughout our life.Well I’m Ellie and I used to have my life together, wrapped up in a parcel with a bow, until it unravelled and exploded.I’m a addicted, I’m a chef , I’m a mother, I’m lost, like everyone in this world I Have made mistakes, fucked up royally and now on a journey to find me again to get back to what is important to me to be able to look at my self in a mirror and be proud again of who I am and what I stand for . I want to share this with the all that want to come along with this journey with me ... so I’m going back to the basics in what I love which is cooking and travel. The after life of being a addict/junkie, I’m getting my soul back, I nearly lost it but I woke up in the brink of time and realised I wasn’t and am not meant to be a junkie and I don’t want that to be my legacy