embrace-the-misunderstood

[embrace-the-misunderstood]

1/13/2025

Gender identity is a very complex topic for me. In person, I guess I dress very non-binary in the grand scheme of things. I usually only wear jeans and a hoodie or a band T-shirt rather than a dress or a skirt. I feel more comfortable when I’m not dressed in a hyper-feminine or a hyper-masculine manner. My hair is always down and in a wolf-cut, and my body language is closed off, along with the fact that I rarely smile or show emotion at all unless I need to. However, online, I don’t think I’m much different. I only post pictures that I feel pretty in or more “done up” in, so I suppose my online identity is more feminine than anything. I avoid being hyperfeminine or masculine because it just feels wrong, like I’m not being true to myself at all. I will wear dresses and long skirts, even shorts, from time to time when it’s hot out, but I get severely insecure. I also don’t feel my best when I’m wearing anything masculine, like a button-down shirt. I do think instead of a fancy dress, I would much prefer to wear a suit and tie. Something about baggy clothing makes me feel more comfortable. When I do go out of my apartment, I do feel the need to wear makeup to hide my acne. However, I still have my hair down and wear my baggy jeans and band t’s. Online, I avoid posting pictures of me smiling, but I am still in clothes that seem to scream "feminine." For example, tank tops, skirts, corset shirts, etc etc. 

For around 10 years I have struggled with my very own gender identity. I used to think I was a transgender male due to harsh gender stereotypes about the way I felt more comfortable dressing. My (very toxic) friend group at the time also semibullied me into constantly changing what I thought about myself in every single way, from sexuality to gender to my personality. Little by little, I lost touch with myself. There were times I would only dress hyperfeminine, other times hyper-masculine. I went through a time where I declared myself transgender and changed my name to something that now causes me trauma to hear or see anywhere. Due to the external conflict, it created a lot of internal conflict as well. Along with conflict and confusion about who I was, it also caused major body dysmorphia. Going into middle school, I was extremely "girly." I would wear pink, flowers, pastel colors, shorts, dresses, and skirts; even sometimes I’d wear flower headbands. In those detrimental 3 years, I was always confused about myself due to peer pressure. It wasn’t until high school that I began to figure myself out once more. Due to all of the dysmorphia, I only wore hoodies and jeans; I felt more comfortable that way, hiding my body. Everyone wore hoodies, male or female, so I felt some sort of sanction within this way of dressing. 

Now that I’m in college, I’ve been able to be on my own. I haven’t had to deal with my mom begging me to dress feminine or comparing me to how I used to be before everything changed and I began to become more insecure. All I can say is that now.. I’m still conflicted. I know my gender. It’s female, and I’m comfortable with it. However, sometimes I wish I was a guy. It would be so much easier. Men are safer in society, and being a woman has always been dangerous. There are always constant threats to my well-being due to my gender. I have, however, decided that instead of changing my gender, I’ll just accept being called any pronouns. He, she, they, it. I don’t mind as long as I’m being treated with respect by my peers. This also means I can feel more comfortable with myself and put my inner child to rest in a way.